Narcissists & The Snippet of Truth

Narcissists may be pathological liars but there will be those times when, feeling boxed in, the narcissist will toss out what I call a snippet of truth. It would behoove us to believe these snippets of truth when we are privileged to hear them but we never do. For some odd reason, we choose to believe the pathological lie when the snippet of truth is typically the statement that lays out the narcissist’s relationship agenda. We embrace plausible deniability – as absurd as that always is – even when the narcissist’s true “feelings” are brought to the table.

If you’ve ever screamed, “All I want is the truth!” at a narcissist, you understand the frustration that comes from such a conversation. However, despite our demands for honestly, it’s likely that truth is actually not what we desire to hear and so we choose instead to let the snippets fall to the wayside.  We wallow in the mindset of cognitive dissonance. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make because even the most outwardly benign snippet typically crosses the boundaries of respect (if we had them in place). Just one brutal snippet of truth can bring justification for leaving the relationship.

Now, in order to define a snippet of truth, I’ll start by telling you what it is not. A snippet of truth is not the same as, say, the truth revealed when a narcissist accuses us of doing exactly what it is that he or she is doing. The latter “truth” is typically something we figure out later…usually as we’re curled up in a fetal position trying to make sense of the narcspeak. In that moment, we realize that of course we’re not cheating on the narc so therefore the narc must be cheating on us because this is how a twisted narcissist works. And we’re right! But to master this particular discovery method takes practice and discipline because we first must stop reacting and just listen. The narcissist’s accusatory words always tell us what we need to know about what he or she is doing. The accusations, however, must be translated and, thus, aren’t snippets of truth.

A snippet of truth is also different from the truth revealed when the narcissist says one thing (“Oh, that girl? I can’t stand her.”) and actually means the exact opposite (“Oh, that girl? You mean the one I want to fuck?”). I call this narcissistic backmasking. Anyone who has ever heard of playing a song in reverse to hear hidden messages knows what I mean here. The narcissist’s backmasking statement is typically conversational and not accusatory at all and, consequently, we usually pass it off as boring narcspeak…but it is anything but. Again, to decipher truth this way takes mental energy we usually don’t have and much time can pass before we realize that all we have to do is reverse the meaning of narcissist’s words in real time to get to the bottom of anything. Wow.

Yes, a snippet of truth is none of the above. When a narcissist screams out a snippet of truth, there is nothing to think about and no reflection is needed. The truth is out there – waved in our face – and all we have to do is believe it. Unlike accusing us of what he or she is doing and saying the opposite of what they really mean, snippets of truth don’t happen very often. The aforementioned behaviors happen all the time, causing us to become desensitized and we choose to look the other way. A snippet of truth is usually blurted out in such a way that even the narcissist is surprised!

For example, I can recall a time when, in the middle of a phone fight about God knows what, my ex suddenly screamed, “I just want to do what I want to do!” and hung up. I remember looking at the receiver and saying, “Well, okay then. Thanks for telling me.” Another time, early on and before the first discard, he casually provided the most important snippet of truth ever by saying I can take you or leave you. This snippet, I now believe, was spoken on behalf of all narcissists everywhere because this is how they think.

Our relationship with a narcissist is not nearly as important to the narcissist as we think it is. So, a more truthful snippet has never been told. A narcissist can take us or leave us without blinking an eye. The relationship simply doesn’t matter. This particular snippet haunted me for years because 1) he never apologized for the few times he said it, and 2) I knew in my heart that he was telling me the truth. I just didn’t want to believe it. And so the years went on.

Others snippets from my ex:

Oh yeah? Well, I’ll just fuck someone else and tell her what she wants to hear. [He was telling the truth, of course, because this is what he did in all his relationships – me included. He told people what they wanted to hear in the moment and then did the opposite. When is this ever acceptable?] 

My conscience is clear. [Considering all I knew about my ex and with all he had done to me and to his family, the fact that he had a clear conscience should have horrified me.] 

I don’t have any feelings either way. [His reply when I asked him to explain how he could just disappear for months at a time, hurting me and my son so badly.] 

I don’t believe in feeling guilty. [This is true of all narcissists. And they mean it!] 

I just figured I could do what I want and you’ll still take me back. [Unfortunately, he was right.] 

The following statements were those I recognized instantly as snippets of truth in the stories told to me by partner’s or ex-partners of narcissists:

You definitely love me more than I love you. 

I know I’m supposed to give a shit but I don’t.   

Nothing you say means anything to me. 

I’m not even sure if I miss you.  

I’m like a salesman. I sell myself. 

You can’t change me so don’t even try. 

I know I’m an asshole…so why do you stay?

Immediately following a snippet, the narcissist’s facial reaction to his own truth telling is typically either one of surprise (who said that?) or smug defiance (there! I said it!) or the first followed immediately by the second. Either way, we need to pay attention. He or she may be surprised but we certainly shouldn’t be.

A snippet of truth is usually very hurtful and this is why we ignore it. We demand the truth but don’t want to hear it. The narcissist discovers this about us early on and takes advantage. In the narcissists mind, it’s not his fault if we get hurt. After all, he did tell us, right?

In all situations in life, we have to learn to recognize the truth. On the surface, a snippet of truth may seem unimportant or superficial in the big picture but we’re talking about narcissists here. Once in awhile, they do mean what they say. If we have the right boundaries in place, we would never allow such disrespect. We must learn to create and commit to boundaries…it is our only protection against emotional predators – even those that we claim to love. If we listen for snippets of truth in the narcissist’s word garbage, logical reasons for leaving this person will be revealed.

What snippets of truth have you been told by a narcissistic partner? Please share in the comments below:)

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