What Exactly IS a Narcissist Anyway?

Like a good portion of the Baby Boomer population, I grew up with the understanding that that the word ‘narcissistic’ described someone who was ‘conceited’…a person, male or female, who not only obsessed over personal appearance but gleefully wallowed in it…a lover of mirrors, a groomer. If only it were that simple. Clearly, in just the last twenty years, the public and social perception of what defines a ‘narcissist’ has definitively changed. And with good reason.

As the ex-partner of a narcissistic abuser turned author of four books on the topic turned narcissist abuse recovery coach, I have not only made narcissism my business, I feel overwhelmingly obligated to understand it inside and out. Lately, this has meant trying to pinpoint exactly when the term “narcissist” evolved from defining a person who is overly conceited but non-threatening to defining a person who is innately motivated to emotionally destroy, in a variety of very specific ways, the life of anyone with whom he or she engages?

Obviously, the narcissists that cause us grief today existed then, so were we simply oblivious? Stupid? Naive? So many questions!

Back in the day, to be deemed ‘narcissistic’ wasn’t necessarily derogatory simply because personality disorders, just twenty years ago, were yet to be clinically defined. Indeed, a ‘narcissistic’ person was considered benign at best, rarely a threat to anyone and perhaps a tad charming. Certainly, no one perceived these conceited primpers that we knew and maybe loved as having a disorder. Psychology books ignored it. Psychologists refused to diagnose or discuss it. As a result, victims of this abuse were left by the wayside.

So was it us or was it the narcissist that changed over time? As it turned out, I determined that it was a bit of both. I also couldn’t help but notice a direct correlation between certain societal events and the exact moment that narcissism came out of the closet. To confirm my theory, I brought it up for discussion in my counseling sessions with abuse victims and they overwhelmingly agreed.

In other words, the narcissist – who is nothing if not an opportunist – appears to have flown under the radar until 9/11 and then, after that, with society still in a state of shock, the onslaught of bad behaviors began. Too distracted by world events, we simply couldn’t defend ourselves.

Historically Speaking…

Pre 9/11, there is no question that, for most of us Baby Boomers, societal pressures were few. For whatever reason, partners of narcissists felt ‘carefree’ enough to be amused by the same behaviors that would later devastate us. We were oblivious and okay, if not complicit, in the ‘abuse’ because life was good. This certainly was true for me and many others who, on the brink of the 20^th century, were already, unbeknownst to us, invested long term as the partners of narcissistic abusers. Simply put, we didn’t know what we had gotten ourselves into.

And during it all, our narcissistic partners were quietly predatory in nature, as if waiting on a catastrophe of sorts to tip the scales of opportunity in their favor. They were willing to wait because, as a rule, narcissists are very patient and, historically speaking, they knew a catastrophe would happen…and they were right. After 2001, the world was different and those that were once carefree became anxious and vulnerable. For narcissism, this was a perfect storm.

In a way, the veil of reality had lifted post 9/11 and the world – and our partners – appeared to be different. Slowly but surely, the definition of narcissism began to change and evolve and people online began to talk and compare stories. Terms like gas-lighting, silent treatments, love-bombing began to surface. Although narcissism, at times, was often discussed as being synonymous with psychopathy and sociopathy, this eventually leveled out and narcissists were given their own niche.

Even in 2012, when I wrote my first book, When Love is a Lie, there were only a few of us who dared to talk about the experience from the victim’s point of view. At the time, I had just ended the relationship and wanted to talk about what happened, including my own crazy behaviors. And so, I started writing. A few years later, I created my blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com, and people started coming from all over. Something was happening, I could tell.

Clinical Confusion in the Trenches

Meanwhile, in the global arena, victims of narcissist abuse were beginning to show up in droves to counseling sessions and psychiatric professionals were scrambling for answers. Client after client, the stories were all but interchangeable and the narcissist, from his perch at the window, deliberately and meticulously confused the issues with chameleon-like qualities. At a loss to diagnose what they didn’t understand, psychologists at first refused to use the term “narcissist”, choosing instead to lump these emotional predators in with your average jerks. Complete confusion ensued.

In 2015, forced to address this new disorder, the American Journal of Psychiatry, in the article “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic & Clinical Challenges”, actually admitted their inability to understand:

“Diagnostic confusion surrounding narcissistic personality disorder reflects the disorder’s highly variable presentation…Individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder may be grandiose or self-loathing, an extrovert or socially isolated, or captains of industry or unable to maintain steady employment…Given this, it is far from self-evident what such individuals could have in common to justify a shared diagnosis.” (Caligor, Levy, & Yeomans, M.D.; Vol 172, Issue 5)”

Clearly, they didn’t get it. Narcissists can be whomever they want or need to be in a moment’s notice. This is the con of the operation. The narcissist’s notorious lack of empathy and sympathy is often only palpable to the recipient of the abuse. Narcissism is a personality disorder where nothing this person says is random and nothing nefarious that occurs is coincidence. Medical professionals can be fooled and although the clinical understanding of the disorder has improved, it still happens. To a narcissist, every day, all day, it’s all about what he or she can get away with. It is who they are. It is what they do.

Modern Day Narcissism

Yes, the definition of Narcissism and behaviors of narcissists has evolved over two decades — of that we can be sure. Narcissists are not the perceived conceited primpers of yesteryear. Those with eyes to see will recognize narcissism everywhere. It exists at all levels of society… and whenever an event occurs where society darkens or becomes anxious, narcissism will flourish. COVID-19 is yet another confirmation of this phenomena.

And even with each carrying the same behavioral playbook, it is hard to pick them out of a crowd.

Since we’re not, for the most part, talking about serial killers, those who have not experienced the madness of being in a relationship with these monsters can barely understand. These same people will argue that we must have compassion for the narcissist because of what must have occurred to make him or her that way. However, since narcissists are intelligent beings with the ability to think critically and given that many become successful and have families, my own sympathy toward their plight is negligible. Narcissists are simply so mean and deceitful that I really don’t care how they got that way. There…I said it.

The truth is that the narcissists of today are worse in nature and perpetuate more harm to their partners, children, co-workers, etc. than what occurs in even the most dysfunctional of ‘normal’ relationships. This is a disorder based on behaviors that are hard to ignore once we’ve become educated. And given that there are millions of narcissists roaming the planet, knowledge, continued education, and ongoing discussions is our best weapon for keeping these predators at bay.

Do you question whether your partner is a narcissist?