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Why a Narcissist’s “Break-up” Never Seems Real

narcissist-is-opportunistNarcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover.  The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.

It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real.  He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!

narcissist-abuse-supportWhen I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it.  How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).

When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!

When-love-is-a-lie
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Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!

If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.

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When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.

Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.

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87 Comments

  • Steph

    October 11, 2016 at 6:21 pm Reply

    Well all…this is my update…Has been 2 months NO CONTACT..In the beginning, of her discard to me, the Narc, was leaving subtle things, to not forget her, as she would say…I said.to myself..Why??? WTF, YOU DISCARDED ME…now, she is outright doing nothing, which is fine, makes moving forward, a little easier…This to me, never seemed possible, but, honestly, with Zari’s continued support, it is possible…This vulture of prey, was always lurking, but, as I can surmise, she has found a better source…Yes, it’s painful, but, we must all remember, the absolute hell they bestowed upon us…I’m now, finally getting to the next level of being free..Let me tell you, I’m in Florida, on the east coast, with a terrible Cat 4 hurricane aimed right at me & Zari, was constantly there, staying in touch with me, out of concern…You think the Narc did, NOPE…So, just remember, they never cared about us, never will, time to put them out of our lives…Someone like Zari, that I barely know, cared more, than someone I was in love with….I hate to say it, I did reach out, because, this hurricane could have been devastating, & never heard a peep back..So, there you go, ditch em, they could care less, unless its for their personal gain.

    Good Luck to All, Stay Strong, As Zari says

    • Sick of BS

      October 11, 2016 at 10:58 pm Reply

      NO sweetie, she has not found a BETTER source…she’s just found a source to amuse her for awhile…s/o who also won’t last long if they have ANY genuine feelings…they’ll just be dragged thru their time-wasting lifestyle & come out EXACTLY the same as U. U/stand U met the reptile…but realise women face ¾’s more of these horrible ppl (or predators) than men. SO, if u ARE after more than sex…be careful. These horrid ppl don’t admit they are into casual sex – in fact, they seek out ppl who aren’t. They LOVE the control & they especially LOVE the dumping. They couldn’t careless how U feel….to them, u are a pelt on a belt.

      • Steph

        October 12, 2016 at 9:42 am Reply

        Thanks for the response…your are so right, they are horrid ppl & do seek out good, caring, loving ppl…It’s quite frightening how evil they can be..Trying to continue on with the N/C as Zari says, including her with her flying monkey

    • Sick of BS

      October 11, 2016 at 11:21 pm Reply

      Watch ppl’s egoes is all I can say…before u get too trusting

    • Zari Ballard

      October 11, 2016 at 11:58 pm Reply

      You’re the best, Steph, and you’re doing just fine. Just be careful of the N’s antics in the workplace although your co-worker appears to know the drill (Thank God). As for the hurricane, you came out unscathed but with a flat tire and at least we knew the accordion file was safe! LOLOLOL

      Love ya & we’ll talk soon, girl!

      Zari xo

      • Steph

        October 12, 2016 at 9:50 am Reply

        I sure hope I’m doing just fine…This has been one of the worst mental & emotional tortures I’ve ever gone through. No more hoovering has taken place in 2 months of N/C, so maybe this is finally the finale. When she realized, I was beginning to figure her out, she hauled ass as fast as she could, effin loser. And yes girl, we knew the accordion file was safe, LMAO.. I have to admit, you did make me chuckle and relieve some of my anxieties throughout the hurricane..

        Love you, sounds good, we’ll talk soon

        • Zari Ballard

          October 12, 2016 at 12:15 pm Reply

          You’re just too cool…it’s the narcissist’s loss, my dear. And no more flying monkeys either. From now on, Stephanie doesn’t need to think so hard about people pleasing ANYONE because the people we have to work hard at pleasing are not the ones we need to please. Relationships aren’t supposed to be that hard, girl, and a narcissist doesn’t care about wasting our lives away. Enjoy the silence…

          Love ya!

          P.S. For next time, flashlights, batteries, and a portable radio. I’ll feel much better! xoxoxo

    • cheryl

      October 15, 2016 at 7:38 am Reply

      I life in FLA as well, My narc – who i have been trying to do “no contact” with for almost 2 years, and after an 2 weeks of me telling him “Im done” when the storm was approaching he emailed me (was blocked from my phone ) “perhaps you would like to spend the storm with me”(ie come over and have sex as I have no one else to hang out with)…..those words would have always made me think “he loves me”….I deleted it. Haven’t heard from him since –

      • Steph

        October 20, 2016 at 8:03 pm Reply

        Hi Cheryl,
        Funny, my narc ex said, she was gonna have her flying monkey text me to ask if I wanted to come stay with her, in her, granted 2nd story apartment, through the hurricane..flying monkey told her, she isn’t gonna leave her house…she was right, I wasn’t, I was all boarded up & prepared, this wasn’t my first hurricane….But, really?? “you we’re gonna have the flying monkey ask me, not you”??? Obviously, I had broken the golden rule of N/C…I have seen many horrid stories on the blog, & yes, mine was a horrible breakup, but, I’m a most kind person, that’s what got me where I am today…But, in the end, I know that having such hatred for the narc gets me nowhere,some days are bad, along with very up, good days…My narc is very good at being exceptionally good, but , on the flip slide, very bad….Yes, am at fault, absolutely I am, but, they provoke us to be..all we can do, is try to hold are heads up high & continue to be the good ppl we are…the old saying, “give them enough rope, they will hang themselves”…So stay strong, God, I don’t have the answers, for me harboring all that anger, got me nowhere, it just kept eating me alive.

  • Kim Roberson

    September 29, 2016 at 2:27 am Reply

    I was looking up info on Narc. That’s how I stumbled onto this site. Thank God! I am totally ecstatic! Reading other people’s life experiences, confirming that all my suspicions are very real ! Last Sunday I found evidence that he either is already screwing his ex….or He is getting ready to! Either way I caught him in a blatant lie about her. It was so accidental. Well, i have had a total silent treatment ever since. He is either sullen & silent or gone & returns plastered drunk & passes out. He can think whatever he wants. I don’t care if he thinks all his twisted thoughts, as long as he stays away from me. It has given me the chance to go find a tiny place to rent. I will be leaving him as soon as I get my keys to my new little home…this Saturday! I’m so proud of myself, cause he acts like he is saving me, by letting me live with him! I have only been living with him for 5 months, dated him for 3 yrs. We live in a small town, both of us went to school here & know all the locals. I teach Spec Ed right in town here. He never had any of his beligerant tantrums in front of me, until I moved in with him! When close friends found out I was living with him, they all triewarn me. “He has been a bachelor all his life. He doesn’t know how to live with a girlfriend.” Another thing friends repeatedly said was, “He just gets depressed from drinking too much!” “He is much better since you are in the picture” I guess some of his closest friends stopped including him on gatherings, golf, barbecues etc…they were tired of his drama & ongoing sagas. In 1 weeks time I have discreetly established a secure escape. All his friends will be on high alert come Saturday. I will not be deterred from having a normal life again! I will keep you updated. Thank you for confirming what I already knew in my hurt! I hope each of you have peace & find healthy love eventially!

    • Zari Ballard

      October 7, 2016 at 8:43 pm Reply

      Hi Kim,

      Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you found your way here as well! You certainly sound like you know the score and that he ain’t getting a chance to come back:) Please send the promised update so that we know if you came through the initial empowerment unscathed. I hope so!

      Peace & Healthy Love to you too, my sister!

      Zari xo

  • Tami Brackett

    September 19, 2016 at 8:40 am Reply

    Zari:
    I have read your books. I felt so good. I was doing well on No contact and then this past weekend I wrecked my car. I had a weak moment and broke no contact. Now I feel awful. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I know this will get better. I just wish I knew when.
    Sincerely,
    Is this ever going to end?

    • Steph

      October 12, 2016 at 10:02 am Reply

      Hi Tami,

      Yes, it will get better & I know you hate to hear this just as I did, “It takes time”..I still 6 months later, have my ups & downs. I like you would break No Contact. For a brief moment, feel so much better, but, then bam, it could be a week, couple days, a day, I never knew. I would be walking on eggshells & because I didn’t say exactly the right thing, her would come the silent treatment or discard. “F” that, I deserve to be treated better that & you as well. Just hang in there. We all understand breaking N/C, we’ve all done it. But, as Zari says, you just have to start all over again..The pain seems to be better when we see or talk to them, but, it is so short lived, eventually, its just to draining and just no worth it.

  • Tracey

    September 8, 2016 at 7:34 pm Reply

    I kicked my narcissist/psychopath husband of almost 13 years out while he was in his home country (India) for his father’s funeral. I knew it would be much harder to get rid of him if he was at home with me. Yes that sounds like a cruel time to do it. How awful can I be? I was driven to it!

    *******

    After all I’ve been through with him, lying, living off me like a parasite, cheating with men, transvestites, women, hookers (“escorts” as he calls them) and even the female 24-7 caretaker that was supposed to care for his father during his father’s last bought of illness — picture his father completely bedridden and my husband and the caretaker having sex and her giving him blowjobs right in the next room — for money of course! He also admitted he did in the past with the armies of ever-changing domestic help his family has.

    I found out about the cheating this past November, when doing bills out of his account, I found a charge for Adult FriendFinder. He finally confessed he has been cheating on me since 2009. No long-term affairs as far as I know of, just opportunistic sex. But he would always switch his stories around (especially the bisexual sex) and then gaslight me like crazy.

    The only thing I could say was an affair in the making when I found text messages from 2009 between he and a woman in India he was “friends with” full of lovey dovey crap that made me think he was having sex with her when he visited India alone. He pulled a “Bill Clinton” stonewall and said he “never had sex with that woman.”

    The best part of it all, is I found a GOODBYE email from her (dated a few months later) because she was mad that when she left him and his friends to have sex with a different married man (whose wife was also far away working), he had a public shit fit about it and embarrassed her! She told him she never promised him anything and he had some nerve making a scene in public and she made it clear she did not want any further contact with him.

    So the narcissist got played by another one!

    ******

    He hid the cheating so well for all these years. I never would have ever suspected him. What a chump I have been!

    He also ended up ignoring me sexually for long periods of time because he was “depressed” and “the anti-depressants killed his sex drive.” But he could sure do it with other people. When I asked him about that, he had no answer.

    When I told him I wish I had known I was in an open marriage all these years and asked him how he would like it if I was cheating on him, he said of course he’d leave me.

    *******

    After I told him not to come back, I had myself tested for STDs. He gave me Herpes.

    So who says he never gave me anything that’s forever? Like a “diamond ring” as that old commercial went, “Herpes is Forever!” I was waiting for us to buy a house together as that was supposed to be the plan for our “forever.” Oh well that’s how the slot machine reels spin with a narcissist.

    *******

    He has promised me the world on a string over the phone. And sometimes I want to believe it (but I don’t) because he dangles finally fulfilling my dreams that he has been promising me all these years!

    I was supporting the household for almost 13 years (literally our whole marriage) while he was pursuing education and while he “couldn’t find” a real job, but did things like cabbie. Now I understand that because night jobs kept him away to do what he wanted and the money earned was his screwing around money, as he never offered to pay a bill.

    Now I know that was future faking. And I fell for it bigtime. For a long time. Too long.

    *******

    He’s on the same old crap now, claiming he will finally get a good job after he takes “just one certification course” and he will pay all the bills and we will finally buy a house and he loves me and I should send him a list of what I want and he will do it all! When I responded with skepticism about this, he got mad at me and said whatever he knew would hurt me.

    *******

    Unfortunately, I still have contact with him over the phone and messaging because I have two goals. I wanted him to send back the expensive cell phone on our plan (which is not cash bought, but on an installment sales contract he’s never going to pay). He says he shipped it FedEx, but did not give me a tracking number. Of course, he also said that they would not ship the phone with a used SIM card because of terrorism. I said that was perfectly fine, the cellphone company does not want the SIM card back (which is true). He sounded disappointed when I didn’t care and wasn’t angry because I guess he thought I was going to snoop all over the phone.

    So I am anxiously awaiting the cell phone back so I could cut that tie when the phone is back safe and sound.

    *******

    The other thing is that his family moved to a new apartment building and he won’t give me the address. He says he’ll text it and never does.

    I need that address to serve him with divorce papers. Just what I need. International divorce case when I don’t have much income. If I claim to the court I don’t know his address in India, they are still going to make me jump through hoops to find him and I think I have to wait a year or 6 months for them to even entertain giving me an alternate to having him served.

    *******

    His latest torture tactic that he has been using from India:

    Over the phone, he tries to make me feel insecure as to “how are you going to afford the apartment now by yourself?” Yeah that is a problem, because I used to have a job where I could pay the bills easily, but now I am disabled and has to go on disability, and my income has dropped drastically.

    He grills me about where I am going to live on the phone like, “You cannot afford it, you are going to get evicted, why don’t you move to upstate NY on the Canadian border where your friend lives.” Trying to make me feel more unsure and unstable masked as faux concern.

    Or he tells me to move in with my narcissistic Mother, Aunt and 40 year old leech brother in another state. I cannot even talk to them on the phone they’re such narcissists. The whole conversation is about them and wailing and gnashing of teeth about all their “problems.” And if I manage to get a word in about me, they immediately switch it back to them. I feel like I’m being engulfed in the toxicity they spew out and being sucked dry by psychic vampires.

    Yeah, I should live with them. He knows all about how they treat me. Again, he’s just needling me to make me feel awful about my situation without him.

    ******

    But you know what? I do have a little something to be proud of.

    I almost feel for it again, but what’s the point? He doesn’t have a job lined up in America. He’s 43 years old and his professional qualifications are slightly more than a new college graduate.

    What’s there to believe anyway if I let him back?

    I still have some feelings for him when I think of better times long ago, but I ask myself, “What’s there to love?” Answer: NOTHING!

    He’s always looking for ways to make me feel bad about myself. One of his favorite tactics is to tell me (or lie about) mean things that other people say about me. Like he says the building superintendent gossips about me because I am not a good housekeeper and even claimed he heard that from another tenant. I’m not perfect, but no hoarder.

    One of his FAVORITE long-time put downs to tell me (since I am 10 years older than him) is how some of the people at his parents’ country club told his parents I looked like his mother instead of his wife.

    Lately he added that some of his friends in India and here in the US said that too. When I asked which friends, he named two, then when I asked him about it later, he named different ones and gaslighted me with “that’s not who I said!”

    So I asked him, “What did they think? That I look like I’m in my early 60s? Or you look like you’re in your early 30s?” That shut him up. That SOB has gray hair. I don’t.

    *******

    It is terrifying that now I really cannot afford my apartment anymore and cannot afford anything else in this high cost area. I would be totally fine and not tempted to take him back at all if I still had a decent income. My friend and I thought of possibly letting him back and using him for his money and a house like he used me, but realistically there’s less than 0% he would ever come through.

    He rubs it in and says shit like, “Too bad I don’t have a job or I could send you money.” As if! The bastard could get a call center job tomorrow as he speaks English very well. But he’s got to “finish his course for the certifications” without interruption of working.

    As long as his brother-in-law and mother keep the free room and board he’s going to milk them for all they’re worth like he did to me.

    Right now he’s living off (notice I don’t say “with”) his family. His mother has spoiled him so much his whole life and treated him like a prince. She always cried and begged on the phone for him to move back there (in supposedly better times, that was supposed to include me).

    *******
    For those of you who read this rant to the end, THANK YOU! I am sorry it is so long and rambling, but I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 23, 2016 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Hi Tracey,

      I would have to say that the first thing you must do is stop communicating with him at all. Period. The phone is not a good enough reason to allow him to torture you and I guarantee he is never going to send it. Forget about the phone. Secondly, you could just as easily disappear from him as he can disappear from you. When you initially came up with the plan to kick him out while he was in India, you must have felt, at that moment, that you could make it on your own, right? Just stick with the plan! He sounds like a complete loser who DOESN’T have a ton of money so why would him going to work in a call center be helpful? He surely wouldn’t share anyway. I know you’re on disability but you can still work.

      Speaking and messaging him is all about keeping you in the queue. I’m even tempted to say forget about the divorce for now and just get your shit together. As long as he’s over there, he’s far, far away and if he comes back, well then you’ll know where to serve him the papers. One thing at a time. Stop talking to him. You’re not getting the phone back. Let it go. Stick with your original plan and you WILL survive and be much better for it!!!

      Stay strong and write anytime. I’m here to support you, sister…

      Zari xo

    • Sick of BS

      September 23, 2016 at 8:57 pm Reply

      YEP…U kicked him out when he ‘seemed’ most vunerable…good on U! Believe me, I bet he’s been taking advantage of ur trust, vunerability & innocence for years & U are far from alone! But don’t believe, he was over in India feeling any loss for his father…more like checking out if there was anything left in it for him. These people have NO souls & definitely, no integrity. They don’t feel, they just constantly scam. If U see them cry…it’s just crocodile tears….and there is always a reason behind it…to gain ur empathy.
      Change ur thinking for ur OWN self-worth…coz, I’m sure this psycho ex of yours does all the time…& ur SELF-WORTH (& how U see urself) is SO much more important than this idiot’s delusional ego.
      Stop wanting to believe him with ur care & concern…it’s over! Stop allowing his opinion on U, or ur future welfare matter. Believe every word that comes out of his mouth (has been) & will continue to be a lie – they are simply, manipulators for self-gain. It’s pathological with these types, a REAL personality disorder that can never be changed. So move away from the spiteful school-yard pankster & control-freak…they never grow-up…and that doesn’t make him forever young (or even playful)…that just makes him an eternal idiot & psycho, as a man. Be glad U CAN move on…coz, all they can do…is the same ole, same ole! And if U dare go back…it’s what U will get.

  • Mandy Carroll

    September 5, 2016 at 4:44 pm Reply

    I am a little confused. My Narc and I were involved for 3 years. After 2 years I left while he was at work. I returned 6 weeks later because I became homeless. He had my cell phone number the whole time, seriously it did not occur to me to change it. He blew up my phone, with crazy shit and then went silent and then was back.
    I moved back in…honeymoon sort of…never believed anything he ever told me. Found lots of shit. But yes, I stayed and tried to find ways to get him to like me…crazymaking they call that. We all know how that works.
    Left again, this Friday will be 4 weeks. He contacted me by email after two weeks. And does not have my cell phone number and I have moved 40 miles away. Contrite, then he went into his crazy talk. Tried to get me to a place with false shit. I am too aware of this stuff…I know what is going on. 8 cops stood around and bullshitted with him and told me I was a thief for 6 hours while I carried all my stuff out…fun..but then would not have it any other way. He kept coming out to the truck and asking to help. After cops left and all my stuff was out, loading the truck, he was pleading with me to stay. Said I could have anything I wanted, anything if I would stay. Weird.
    Here is his condition. He is 55 years old, alcoholic, drug addict. Had 2 heart attacks and damage to his intestines, requiring surgery because of anal sex with men and violence in that. 3 major gut surgeries and been revealed he has a serious illness and possibly, more than likely TB. He is 55 and looks 75 at the youngest. People will move away from him in public and most of his enablers(family) wont have anything to do with him.
    I do not think he has a new source. There comes a point when their ick is too visible and they do not have the funds or ability to get anyone involved with them. I am sure he is getting his attention from his two neighbors who are alcoholics.
    All his emails are of asking me to come back, give him another chance. You get the drift. Now after telling me he was the best I will ever have(words of a dying man) he has gone silent. 2 days, no biggie.
    Question is this…when they are in this position…do they always have another source? Because from what I have read, at a certain point they are all alone in their personal hell.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 10:44 am Reply

      Hi Mandy,

      I’m not sure why you are confused…the very fact that you are here tells me that you know what’s going on or at least have had an idea that led you to the right information. Silent treatments and all the drama are clear signs. As for your cell, no one said anything about changing your phone number. What we talk about here is BLOCKING which keeps him (as best as it can) from contacting you whenever he feels like it to mess with your head. If you want out, that will be the best way. Blocking also keeps you from having one ear on your cell listening for a text or call when you could be focusing on production ways to recover.

      Are they always with new supply? usually but not always. Sometimes the narc even prefers to be alone between targets in order to get his place, head, life in quick order so that the new target sees no sign of the old when he does bring her in to the fold. Sometimes, I suppose, they are just complete losers and couldn’t get anyone if they tried. When this is happening, you will be at the top of the list and it will APPEAR that you are the favorite when, in reality, you are just the most convenient. In the end, though, does it even matter? Why put yourself through this a second longer? He can never be changed – ever. Don’t DOOM yourself to this life when you have the power to do better!

      Stay strong,

      Zari:)

  • Toby Linville

    August 31, 2016 at 12:53 am Reply

    Holy shit!! I’ve been reading everything I could online about breaking up with a narc for two days…. OMG….that phrase made me feel better also….I just flew through that door too gurl!!! I had to read that incredibly simple phrase four times for it to sink in. All of a sudden I feel soooooo much better…. And also like a total idiot… which is way easier that gut wrenchingly sad in some Stockholm Syndrome hole.

    I knew this guy was a narc when I started chatting with him online.. His first sentence wreaked with entitlement. I had been in two horrific narc relationships before, and after hearing about the disorder became obsessed with learning everything I could. I realized most of my friends were actually high on the narcissism scale… It was like taking the red pill in the Movie the Matrix… I started to notice how some of my friends constantly put me down… others said they had always observed such insults from my closest friends, but I didn’t hear it… Then I realized my mother was….my grandmother..my favorite aunt, my cousin and brother …
    So with this narc I wanted to go in eyes wide open and observe the process first hand… OMG….it’s so blindingly obvious… But the gaslamping was the most intense. Knowing about it and trying to fight the restructuring of my recent past with me recast as a villain was so intense actually made it worse. I actually hallucinated….I’ve never in my life had a hallucination. I wrote down and recorded some of the experience… I told him everything about narcissism and he actually voluntarily started watching Sam Vadkin videos on the 3rd day. Then he raged…LOL… but then had moments of clarity…it was surreal…
    I didn’t make it out unscathed…. I still fell for all the shit you so accurately described… how the hell is that possible…damn…

    • Same Boat/Finally Free

      October 8, 2016 at 7:40 am Reply

      Toby, isn’t it interesting, though bizarre and f’n frustrating, that even when you “know all that you know” you’re still able to get roped in to their manipulative lair.?! I think many of us have stayed or gone back into a relationship with the narc after discovering “who they are” thinking that we have enough ammunition and knowledge to be able to protect ourselves!!!?? However it has been proven time and time again that no one… not even some of the worlds best therapists… are exempt from the narcissist manipulative ways, they are just too good at what they do . So when you think you know enough or onto them enough or protecting yourself enough to be able to play the game with them and come out on top, THINK AGAIN …you will still find yourself on the bottom and right back where you started from!!! I’m speaking from personal experience as well as experience of so many others . Would you agree with me Zari on this ? However, when dealing with narcs outside of a personal relationship, such as a boss or co-worker, having this knowledge is extremely helpful! My boss is a full blown N, I swear he knows I know lol. He uses and abuses the entire staff, talks shit behind his own employees backs, makes tons of empty promises and then as any smart narc would; makes the employee feel like they are the problem. If someone leaves, which they often do, he texts them that he misses them and often they come back. Ughhhh!!! Anyhow, In this regard I’ve been able to keep myself protected and more in control of what he can or can’t get away with, with me and it has worked. That said, when I’m face to face in a meeting he can still find a way to make me forget what my point was and I walk away wondering what the f just happened! Because we, as normal human beings, just aren’t wired that way … Stay strong! Stay smart! And don’t try to win at their game, it’s never ever worth it! Thanks again Zari! Ps: 4 months since that last “incident” and no attempts from him that I’m aware of. Yes he’s blocked but there are still ways he could communicate if he wanted. I think what happened was as satisfying as it can possibly get for a narc so i bet he feels there’s no sense in playing anymore. Lol!!! Hope you’re well!! Love ya!

  • Steph

    August 30, 2016 at 8:44 pm Reply

    Well, this is what i finally can say…I bucked the Zari system…I tried to remain friends, which she said, could b possible…but, as Zari, well knew, it wasn’t…This is my advice, if you can take a vacation, get a friend to go, & just get away, I’m not talking about a weekend, that’s not enough, I tried that, it didn’t work…take a week away, ur mind clears, life is better without the narc, ur mind & body seem to move forward…Am I gonna say, you don’t think about her or him? No it doesn’t, but, can you see it in a different perspective??? Yes, you can… Can i say its totally over, not sure, but, I sure as hell hope so…I’ve been fortunate to have a lot of friends that i can laugh with, go out with & have a good time with…I’ve had them b4, it just didn’t seem to matter with the Narc, constantly invading my thoughts & mind, but, that week vacation helped change everything…I no longer cared about the shit that Narc put me through, life was so much better…hmmm…if you can relate, never could even get a commitment from the Narc for a vacation….that’s what they do, fuck with your head…The best thing she did is block me, guess that was a silent treatment, punishment…Nope, it was, my chance, to think back & say, I should have blocked you a long time ago..Move forward, we all say life is to short, & I hate that when I hear it & yes it is, but, that really doesn’t matter…the bottom line is, when some1 doesn’t love you, never did, doesn’t matter the life term, cuz, the life term is now, it’s done & if today is your day to chose to die, then its over for you..pick ur head up, forget them as best you can & look forward to tomorrow & a much better day…We can all make it..Zari, thank you, you have constantly been there to keep kicking my ass & keeping me strong…

    Love You,
    Steph

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2016 at 11:56 pm Reply

      Anytime, Steph, and we’ll talk real soon. Text me and maybe you have time this weekend???

      xoxoxoxo

    • Sick of BS

      September 16, 2016 at 11:06 pm Reply

      YES…these ARE the stories of getting involved with emotionally UNAVAILABLE people…the condition is NOT temporary…U are not dealing with a trauma victim…u’ll know that from the bragging…it’s permanent…& serial…just like a serial killer…but sociopaths know not to break the law…but, they are their UGLY cousins…NEVER to change. Get away…& stay away! Don’t think of them….just realise they ARE a minority…believe there are heaps of better ppl out there…& U need to find a better way to find them. Take note of any vunerabilities the sociopath may have highlighted U had & fix the fence hole. Don’t be afraid to trust ppl…BUT, ALWAYS know trust is earnt. Life is NOT an emergency…so, neither should relationships be. ALWAYS trust urself…never put that into s/o else’s hands. Most of all…stay CALM…sociopaths HATE that! If s/o is genuinely into U…it’ll become obvious…but, use time. Sociopaths are ALL impatient by nature.

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