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Why a Narcissist’s “Break-up” Never Seems Real

narcissist-is-opportunistNarcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover.  The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.

It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real.  He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!

narcissist-abuse-supportWhen I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it.  How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).

When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!

When-love-is-a-lie
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Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!

If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.

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When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.

Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.

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87 Comments

  • Zari Ballard

    December 13, 2016 at 2:50 pm Reply

    Sick of BS wrote…So, have a HAPPY MERRY Xmas without them, LOVE everything about urself & everything around U…that will really piss them off! Right on, girl! Thanks for reaching out to others here…I appreciate you:) xo

  • Suzi

    December 10, 2016 at 11:52 am Reply

    This particular article resonates strongly with me. Having resumed a long distance electronic relationship with my ex who is almost certainly is a Narcissist masquerading as an eglatarian soulmate. What is significant for me in this piece is the misconception that I hold on to, in being the most significant woman in his life and the others of which there have been many are merely by-standers. This deluded thought process has been my only solace so I don’t get consumed in the social media comparison obsession which was my downfall and massive heartbreaker during the marriage. The fact that we all hold the same status without any premium position is rather illuminating. I am forever thinking I am still reasonable attractive, articulate, creative so surely I must be the forever soul mate he eludes to in our correspondence. Ahh deluded, deluded a grown-up supposedly choosing to be drawn and hooked once again.

    • Suzi

      December 12, 2016 at 1:11 pm Reply

      Thank you for your suitable rye and accurate perspective. Duped is absolutely the correct word and my ex has honed this duplicitous skill incredible effectively. He is the Heathcliffe to our Cathy’s across the board. There is strength in hearing people’s stories and recovery journeys. So to all the contributors on this blog and of course the Queen of insight Zari I thank you. Now to try and get through the Festive period without contact.

      • Zari Ballard

        December 13, 2016 at 2:49 pm Reply

        Hi Sue,

        You can do this, girl! Just a couple of weeks left and then we’re into the new year. This is the hardest part, of course, but it will be over before you know it. Just keep yourself busy and just focus on putting it behind you. We’re rootin’ for you:)

        Zari xo

      • Suzi

        December 19, 2016 at 10:06 am Reply

        Can my surname also come off any of my posts. Really don’t want him to see anything I write on here. This is my safe place. Incidentally I have to admit I sent a Birthday message so yes broken my No Contact pathway. Ahh well isn’t New Year coming up.

        • Zari Ballard

          December 19, 2016 at 11:00 pm Reply

          Hey girl,

          I only found one post with your full name on it and I changed it to Suzi. If you think there are more let me know…I’ll search it again. And yes, a New Year is coming and we all get to start fresh no matter what happened in 2016. That’s how I see the new year. Don’t worry about breaking NC. It’s just a narc…who cares what he thinks? Brush yourself off and get back on it:)

          xo

  • Carl

    December 10, 2016 at 3:00 am Reply

    What if you work with the Narc (which is a girl) and you can’t really avoid… I have moved on, but still feel the emotions coming to me when I see her, although maintaining a professional attitude towards her at work… Do I have to quit my job or will time do the job? I’m staying away, even though the emotions tell me different…

    • Zari Ballard

      December 13, 2016 at 3:25 pm Reply

      Hi Carl,

      You are not alone in your situation. I speak with several men who now have to see the narc in the workplace. In all cases, it’s a good job that no one wants to give up but I say to start looking! It never hurts to look around for other opportunities and to see whats out there. You should never have to quit your job but seeing the narc day after day…or even knowing she’s around the corner or on the next floor…or seeing her car in the parking lot…it’s all very mind consuming. Just do the best that you can day to day and keep your distance. She will always consider the fact that you are there as an opportunity for her to keep you in the queue.

      There’s a new year coming and this means we get to start fresh. Maybe a new job is exactly the positive note that will come of this. Don’t cut yourself short…the world awaits…

      Zari xo

  • Steph

    October 26, 2016 at 7:32 pm Reply

    I want to tell all. I talked with Zari today & not my first time, we have had numerous talks. I have a unique narcissistic ex-relationship, and it’s me lesbian girl with heterosexual girl…The pain of the break up is just as real as any other, but, as Zari keeps reminding me, this is the worst of the worst, girl on girl…we are trying so desperately, to try & remain friends, & Zari feels like, in this circumstance, its possible…we just have to eliminate all flying monkeys in our lives & see if we can do it…all, the outside influences, only make this endeavor impossible….If it doesn’t work, let it be on our terms.

    Please, I encourage any and all, to take the time & talk with Zari. She is so willing & insightful to help you get through the toughest time of your life. And for someone, that is so knowledgeable on narcissists, the most evil of the evil souls out there, to still be so opened minded, to say, “in your situation” it might be possible to still be friends, says alot for Zari. She, of all people, knows how horrible, mean people they can be, but, still, allows, the possibility for them to step up to plate & make it right, even though, we know, it’s questionable, at best..

    So, don’t think twice, if you’re struggling with uneasy, sad, unhappy feelings, CALL ZARI, I promise you, you will feel so much better & so much more at peace.

    Love To All,
    Steph

  • Steph

    October 25, 2016 at 5:53 pm Reply

    Kiki,
    Stay in touch with Zari…believe me a phone consultation with her is so well worth it…she keeps me grounded..and boy, u have no idea what a mess I am..

    Stay strong, & Zari, is ur ticket to peace..

  • Kiki

    October 13, 2016 at 10:54 am Reply

    Hi Zari,

    Thanks for you website! It helps me alot.

    My English isn’t the very best, I’m from Holland haha.
    I broke up with my boyfriend last sunday. I couldn’t handle the way he treated me anymore. I was down and very unhappy. Our relationship has ended once before, he dumped me after 1.5 years because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He is 3 years younger than me, 21 and I’m 24. After a month he seeked contact again. He saw I was doing okay without him. I’m a big sportsfan so that was what I was focussing on. He gave me compliments, he still thought about me every single day, he missed me, he wanted me back. I still loved him and missed him like hell, so I gave him a second chance. It was his turn to prove he loved me for real.

    Okay, back to our 1.5 year. When I met him it was obvious he was younger than me. I was more serious, I’m working at a bailliff office and I’m a lawstudent. I am very independent and have to care for myself. He had a nightjob, he parents gave him everything and all he did was chilling at his friends. He also smoked weed. Every single day! That annoyed me the most. When we got a little more serious I told him that I don’t want a man who smokes weed all the time. I have seen how that affect people in the wrong way so I don’t see a future for myself with someone who smokes weed all the time. Who is addicted to it. If you smoke weed once in a while okay but he did it all day long. So it was up to him, or quite smoking weed or letting me go. He chose to be with me and stopped smoking weed. He stopped seeing his friends because he knew they would drag him back into smoking weed. Well for a couple weeks this went good, bit than I found out he smoked weed again. Behind my back ofcourse. He had big problems with his parents. When he was younger he was involved in criminal stuff. He smoked weed from the age of 15 and he wasn’t very kind to his parents. He was always at his friends. They were done with his behaviour. He promised me to stop smoking weed 3 times after the first time. It never worked, he kept smoking behind my back. In that time he also lied about the smallest things. He always broke his promises. He never answered my calls. He was always at his friends. He was dealing drugs behind my back and so on. I did everything for him. I bought everything for him. I took him on trips or took him out for a dinner. I was always there to support him and I tried to motivate him to go to school and make the best of his life. It seemed like I had the role of his mom. He sucked all the energy out of me. I practice mixed martial arts, my biggest passion, but my energy was gone. I couldn’t train anymore. Everyone saw there was something wrong with me. In the meantime I also found out he did things on social media which in my eyes you can’t do when you are in a relationship. Things like messaging girls. For him it meant nothing he said. He was with me, so why did I worry? If he wanted someone else he would leave me. Well all the lies and stuff were an everydayproblem. When I wanted to talk to him about it he walked away. He would go home and wouldn’t answer my calls or he would say: I don’t want to talk about it, you are overreacting. Just stop or I’m leaving you. He also was addicted to porno. He watched is so often! And he always watched to girls which were the total opposite of how I look. It made me very insecure. I’m getting a lot of attention from guys, I know I’m not ugly but he made me feel like I was!

    Last Christmas I found out I have herpes. I have had one sexpartner before my last one, and I have tested myself at that time. I had nothing. So I guess he gave it to me. Herpes is not easy to test when you do not have the symptoms so I’m not totally sure. But okay, I was dying from the pain but he wasn’t there for me. No he went to his friends ofcourse. On New Year’s Eve I found out he was smoking weed again. Again he lied. The day after New Year’s Eve I logged into his email account and I saw he made 6 accounts on 6 different sexwebsites. It were websites for sexappointments. It felt like someone knocked me to the floor. I showed him the evidence when I found out. He denied he had anything to do with it. He said his ex girlfriend wanted to annoy him. Ofcourse I knew he lied. I said to him, show me your bankaccount because you have bought credits to talk to the girls. His parents logged in and yes, proof was there. He still denied! Later he admit to me he made the accounts. But it wasn’t anything serious, he wanted to see if the girls were real. I thought it was a very strange story but I gave him the benefit of the doubt under 1 condition. He had to go to rehab. He went to a special rehab for persons under 21 (his parents choice). He went away for 10 weeks. When he came back it seemed like he was a total different person! He was happy he was clear now, he wanted a good future, he was sorry for all the bad things he did, he understood his friends weren’t any good for his future and wanted to work and study. Well after a month he still hadn’t searched for a job. He was up very late every night again. He saw his friends again. And I suspected him of smoking weed again, but I had no proof. So he broke all of his promises again, he begun lying again and so on. We were back to square one. Later he dumped me, like I said earlier.
    In the time we weren’t together I still had his passwords to his Facebook and hotmail account. I saw that after 3 days when he dumped me he already registered himself on datingwebsites. He was adding tons of girls on Facebook and I found out he smoked weed again!! I don’t know why but I felt sorry for him.  I wanted the best for him. Well he seeked contact with me again, I was there for him again because he said he had a rough time at home and I had given him a second chance. I told him that he needed to be loyal. If he already knew he couldn’t than please let me go so I can search for a man who want the same as I want. He promised me to be loyal. I was his dreamgirl. For 5 weeks we were happy again. He was sweet to me, he was almost every day at my home, we laughed, we loved, we had fun. I really was happy again. I really thought he finally saw what a good woman I am. I thought I was the one for him. He told me he wanted my babies and he wanted me as his wife. I couldn’t be happier!

    2 weeks ago I found out he was talking to girls again on his phone. It made me so angry and sad. He again told me it was nothing. He was with me so don’t worry about it. My gut feeling told me something was very very wrong. He left me alone for 2 weeks. He didn’t come ove to my house anymore and he did not want to talk about it. He said I was overreacting and the longer I keep doing that, he won’t come to see me anymore. I tried and I tried to talk to him. I asked him to come over but no reaction. He wasn’t at his parents house, he was away every day. One day he came to my home. He said he wanted me, he wanted to be happy with me. He loved me. This weekend we would be togethe After 1.5hr he left. We hadn’t had sex or whatsoever. After 2 weeks with lies and broken promises I sent him a message. Or you choose me and you come to my home tonight or it’s over and you won’t see me ever again. No reaction and he never came. So it was over by last sunday. I really hoped he would show me he cared about me, but no.

    Last tuesday I found out that he cheated on me in those 2 weeks I hadn’t heard of him. With his ex girlfriend!! He left her for me 1.5 years ago. He told me she wasn’t his future and there was nothing left of their love. And now he had sex with her!!!! She told me they already had contact with eachother for 6 months. He spoke very bad about me to her and he said he hadn’t seen me for a couple weeks. She said they had sex one time, last september (in those 2 weeks). But one time is already to much for me. I confronted him with this, but he denied again! Again!!!!! He blocked me from everything and I haven’t heard of him anymore. I guess he didn’t expect I would find out about this. After they had sex he came to my house to tell me he wanted me. Wtf? I really do not understand people like this.. My mom told me that she thought he is a narcissist. So that’s why I’m on your website. I’ve read some stories and see some patterns which I saw in his behaviour. I don’t think he will ever contact me. But if he’s narcissist, maybe he will? What do you think? Do you think he is one after reading my story? Oh and this isn’t all yet..
    He lives a street away, that makes it more difficult for me to avoid him. I’m so sad right now. So sad.. I know I deserve so much more than this little boy but damn I still love him. I even miss him. I hate this. I really hate this.. Everyday I’m wondering if he’s sorry. If he misses me. If he really loved me. I make myself crazy with these thoughts!!!!
    Why do this people exist?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 16, 2016 at 7:04 pm Reply

      Hi Kiki,

      I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond and that is the only reason that you haven’t seen it posted. I have to post the first one from within the website and after that you can always post and it will show right away. Anyway, my God girl you are so so young. At this point, I don’t care what he is or who he is or what he says, stay away from him at all costs. You are obviously far beyond your years in maturity and, believe me, HE WILL NEVER CATCH UP. I do believe, without a doubt, that he has narcissistic tendencies…he is a liar (obviously) with an addiction he tries to hide who always reaches out to exes and has a fondness for sex websites that feature women that are the opposite of you. Yup, he sure has the foundation for being a very polished GROWN-UP narcissist some fine day. When this happens, hopefully you will be far, far away OR at least not just a street away. This person is very bad news, my sister.

      Look, I know that you feel sad but this too shall pass (as my ex, the Narcissist’s, mother used to always tell me!). What 99% of us here wouldn’t give to know what we know (and now YOU know as well) and be your age! Kick his ass to the curb, move along as your beautiful, smart-beyond-her-years self, and live your life narcissist-free! And YES, he will reach out when he feels enough time has passed where he can be forgiven AGAIN by using his propensity for lying outrageously but why even give him that opportunity? Block his number, stay away from anyone even associated with him, and forget his highly unmotivated, dopey 24/7 pot-smoking face. You WILL forget him if you look at this situation realistically and see this monster-in-training for what he is. I’m sorry that his parents have to deal with this but YOU DO NOT, nor should you stay connected to his parents for any reason whatsoever.

      Close this chapter and shine on through. I’m always here to support you and all of us here care what happens to you!

      Love,

      Zari xo

      • Kiki

        October 25, 2016 at 2:10 pm Reply

        Hi Zari,
        Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it. I did all the things you said me to do. Blocked his number, blocked him on Facebook, deleted his mother, family and friends from Facebook and their number. It really helps. I still think of him but having no contact at all really helps. It seems like my thoughts are so much clearer when he is not around. No distraction, I try to see him for what he really is: Not a good person. I do MMA (fightsport) and put all my focus on my training, my work, myself. My energy is coming back! This sunday I will take dance classes. That’s something I wanted to do with my ex. He promised me to go with me, but ofcourse, he never did. So I decided to do it on my own. Meet new people, be independent.
        Yes, I have moments you all have I guess. When you break down a little, but I try to stay strong. I am strong. Reading your articles helps me so much to get over him, it makes me realize things I didn’t realize before.

        Again, thanks for your help. Your website really help people like me. It’s a guidance to a happier life.

        Love, Kiki

      • Kik

        December 11, 2016 at 9:32 am Reply

        Hi Zari,

        I’m back again. Past 2 months I did okay. Focused on myself, went out alot to do fun things with friends and so on. I found out my ex already has a new girlfriend. Eventhough I know that our break-up was the best thing that could ever happen to me, it does hurt me. I keep thinking that I wasn’t worth a thing to him, that he did not valued our relationship because he moved on so fast. The thoughts are so freaking annoying. I know it makes no sense. I don’t know how to stop thinking of them.. It makes me feel down.. X

        • Zari Ballard

          December 13, 2016 at 3:07 pm Reply

          Hi Kik,

          Well, girl, you are right to feel that your relationship meant nothing to him because it didn’t. The good news is that his new relationship doesn’t mean a damn thing to him either and eventually she – and any other “girlfriends” that come after or during – will find their way to this website like everyone else. They never change no matter what it appears to be on the surface. Try to stay away from anything and anyone who can give you updates on his pathetic fake life and you just be happy. There is a new year coming and we all get to start over, sister!

          Stay strong…YOU were NEVER the problem! We’re all here to support you:)

          Zari xo

  • Steph

    October 12, 2016 at 6:00 pm Reply

    Haha, yes ma’am…I’ll definitely have them…let’s just pray next time isn’t anytime soon…last Hurricanes were 2004 & 2005, 3 of them..I’m about over this shit, lol…

    This is one of the hardest relationships I ever had to get over…most of the time I’m just so numb & on autopilot…honestly, without your support, I have no idea where I’d b today…Thank You & Love You

    • Sick of BS

      October 13, 2016 at 1:08 am Reply

      These type of relationships are hard to get over coz we had hoped to believe in someone who came into our lives so personally…they looked normal, laughed with U about all sorts of stuff…yet, when we look back…they did seem to come on a lil too intensively FAST. Of course, they know we have egoes too…why shouldn’t s/o like u? BUT these horrible ppl of prey…care for no-one…it’s what they can get & what they WANT…that word “want” will come up alot in their vocab…esp asking what U want…so, they can BS themselves to U. Of course, their famous stuff is stone-walling…& anyone who claims they are SO INTO U…definitely, won’t stonewall U.

      • Steph

        October 13, 2016 at 9:57 pm Reply

        BS, thank you..yes, these r reptiles of prey…Every day is a challenge, I haven’t heard from her, cuz she is busy with her new victims..I’m trying so hard to move on, what else am to do?? Got, thrown to the curb, when, I said, not giving any more money to you….Well, that took about all of 2 days to say we are broke up…But, as all Narcs do, as I was seeing, she had a new one she was working on…They are ruthless & evil

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