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Why a Narcissist’s “Break-up” Never Seems Real

narcissist-is-opportunistNarcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover.  The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.

It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real.  He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!

narcissist-abuse-supportWhen I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it.  How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).

When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!

When-love-is-a-lie
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Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!

If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.

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When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.

Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.

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87 Comments

  • April

    March 28, 2018 at 9:25 am Reply

    I want to start by saying that I am getting ready to do the no contact with my narcissist boyfriend. We have been together for a year and 5 months. In the beginning he was like a dream come true I couldn’t imagine why any other woman wouldn’t have snatched him up cuz he was just amazing. He started to show signs pretty early on red flags everywhere but I just ignored them thinking that he was amazing Stone. He did the whole phone thing I mean like three or four cellphones I have many numbers in my phone saved under different versions of his name that he has changed to he’s very secretive with his phone. But he will check mine all the time and my history. He started out with amazing compliments and they turned to the ugliest things that I’ve ever been called in my life he has turned my life upside down. He moved in late September and everything was great at first and then it became a control issue with telling me what I could and could not wear alienating me from my friends and he decided that he hated my cat and moved her out into the garage and that my 17 year old son cannot have any friends ever spend the night because he’s afraid that they’re checking me out. He also had a cocaine problem and wasn’t working so guess who was paying for it I was spending about 60 to $80 a day on cocaine not to mention the fact that he smokes cigarettes too and I was paying for those. I used to be able to afford all of my bills and have a little bit of extra money left over at the end of the month to buy things for my kid or you know save for a trip or something for him and I and after this man has come into my life I find myself borrowing money from my mom to pay my rent and pawning all of my jewelry to cover my bills. I want to start by saying that I am getting ready to do that no contact with my narcissist boyfriend. We have been together for a year and 5 months. And the beginning he was like a dream come true I couldn’t imagine why any other woman would have snatched him up cuz he was just amazing. He started to show signs pretty early on read flags everywhere but I just ignored them thinking that he was amazing still. He did the whole phone thing I mean like 3 or four cell phones I have many numbers in my phone saved under different versions of his name that he has changed to he’s very secretive with his phone. But he will check mine all the time and my history. He’s started out with amazing compliments and they turned to the ugliest things that I’ve ever been called and my life he has turned my life upside-down. He moved in late September and everything was great at first and then it became a control issue with telling me what I could and could not wear alien dating me from my friends and he decided that he hated my cat and move her out into the garage and that my 17 year old son cannot have any friends ever spend the night because he’s afraid that there checking me out. He also had a cocaine problem and wasn’t working so guess who was paying for it I was spending about 60-$80 a day on cocaine not to mention the fact that he smokes cigarettes to and I was paying for those. I used to be able to afford all of my bills and have a little bit of extra money left over at the end of the month to buy things for my kid or you know safe for a trip or something for him and I and after this man has come into my life I find myself backing money from my mom to pay my rent and Pawn all of my jewelry to cover my bills. He finally got a job and it’s on the other side of town and it was too hard for him to get there from my house so he decided to move in with his ex-wife and kids because they live closer and he’s been away for 3 weeks now he still try is to control everything that I’m doing at my house but the contact is very limited he only calls me twice a day sometimes only wants a day still ask me for money everyday he will get his paycheck and spend it all in one day and never think about inviting me out to dinner or pain me back some of the money that he borrowed over the whole week. But it needs three weeks that he’s been gone I feel stronger I’m glad he’s not here he has a few things still here and he has left his dog hear so I’m trying to figure out what to do with that he swears that when he gets his income tax money that he will pay me back some of the money that he owes me we’ll see. I’m so ready for this to be over you have no idea. The problem is this is not my first narcissistic relationship I seem to keep falling for their BS. At this point once I get rid of this one I do not want to have another relationship for a long time I feel like I need to work on myself and I can definitely take care of myself and my son without the help of anyone else. I have read numerous things about narcissistic behavior and he is classic with all of them I have caught him and so many lies and he always finds a way to talk himself out of it and make me look like I’m crazy or untrusting and it’s insane how I fall for it I get so mad at myself for falling for it every time it’s ridiculous. So any insight that you may have to my situation would be great and I definitely appreciate it thank you.
    Dawn

  • Zari Ballard

    July 23, 2017 at 9:29 pm Reply

    I don’t know who you are posting this too. When replying to a specific comment, you have to click the “Reply” button next to the name that you want to reply to. That way the person gets it and not me. Everyone does it though and sometimes I can figure it out but this time I can’t….

  • Zari Ballard

    July 23, 2017 at 9:27 pm Reply

    Sorry girl, I found your posts in my SPAM folder. Don’t know why but I un-spammed them!

  • Ashleigh M Jenkins

    June 23, 2017 at 9:00 pm Reply

    Ugh, don’t even know where to start with my story. I was involved with, what am now positive is, a narc for a year. I am just trying to make sense of it all for my own healing and sanity. He always kept my title as “special friends” and claimed emotional unavailability as a reason for being non committal. Little did I know he had a girlfriend the whole time. Once I found out, he claimed they were engaged, but in the end they were already married and expecting a child. For 3-4 months he was still with me while married/pregnant. He did everything to try to hide it. When I figured it all out, of course I told her, found her number and called her, I knew it was likely she wouldn’t believe me, but just in case I felt I needed to protect another women and give her info she had the right to know. In the end he changed his phone number, he threatened me he would do so if I couldn’t keep quiet. I didn’t care, his desires didn’t mean anything to me anymore. What I would like to know is, if these narcs really do want to keep you around forever for their own needs, why would he change his number?? Did he realize I was far too much of a risk and could not be manipulated any longer?? I would love your advice and feedback. Thank you so much!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 10, 2017 at 1:27 am Reply

      Hi Ashleigh,

      Some narcs change their number all the time…mine did and it never stopped him from calling me when he wanted to return. The only thing it changes is that YOU can’t call HIM and that’s the point. And honestly, if you knew she wouldn’t believe you, I don’t know how contacting the pregnant wife of your narcissistic lover would provide her any “protection” at all. The very fact that she’s pregnant would probably cause her to reluctantly look the other way. Otherwise, she’d have to deal with the pain at a most inopportune time. He’s obviously an awful person and everyone figures it out at some point. What you could have done, as soon as you knew, is threaten HIM that you would call her if he didn’t leave you the hell alone. That might have worked but, having said all that, it is very possible that by calling her and completely upsetting the household at this time, he is completely done. For your sake, I hope he is. Go forth and be free…there’s no time to waste in this very short life.

      Zari xo

      • Ashleigh Jenkins

        July 10, 2017 at 5:48 am Reply

        Hi Zari! Thank you so much for your reply. I know you’re right, as hard as it is to believe it was all a lie, it was. I’m just learning how to embrace I am better off without him. I will say, at the time that I spoke to his wife, I did not know she was pregnant. I found out a few weeks after speaking to her.

        • Zari Ballard

          July 10, 2017 at 2:53 pm Reply

          I know it’s hard, girl. Just hang in there and be confident in the truth that you know. It is KEY to everything:)…xo

    • Oana

      December 6, 2017 at 3:33 pm Reply

      Hi, Ashleigh!
      It’s been already more than half a year, so I hope you’re doing a lot better.
      My narc used to say the same thing…that he was emotionally unavailable and the fact that I wanted what a normal person wants ( time, honesty) was too much for him to handle. 3 years of crying and of suffering after him, with so many offs (probably 2 years out of these 3 wwre off), long explanation, so many discards, so many attempts from my side. It all went to shit.
      Luckily for me, he kept me at bay, I never discovered any tragical truths about him as you did about yours. But in your case…it’s for the best, at least he gave you clear reasons of what to run away from.
      I’m in the process of going no contact for ever. Please, let me know if you succeeded too and avoid asking any questions in regards to him, they will only make you wanna go back and ask for clarification, and you’ll never get any from him.

  • FINALLY FREE

    December 26, 2016 at 8:42 pm Reply

    Karen,
    Look, don’t waste a second trying to figure out ‘why’ he did this to you! He did it for one reason: he’s a narcissist! It’s WHO he IS! It has NOTHING to do with you AT ALL! Unfortunately the inability to move on is substantially based on the fact that over time he has diminished your sense of self. Your confidence shattered. If you were in a strong, independent, ‘love yourself’ state of being would you put up with a guy who dates 3 woman at one time??? Definitely not. The best way to “MOVE ON” is to get help in healing yourself and regain your confidence. IT WILL HAPPEN! But PLEASE for the love of God, DO NOT BE JEALOUS of the other woman! They will be next on here giving their horrific story about that loser and what he did to them. Nothing to be jealous of there, seriously! Mine had everyone under the sun telling me I’m “the one” also… his Mom would come to my work and shed tears about it. It was ridiculous! Then literally ONE DAY after he mailed a card to my house expressing his undying love for me I saw him at a public place with his new supply…he saw me look his way and grabbed the girl to make out with her. It was gross. I was not hurt I was disgusted, but also not in the least bit surprised. When he emailed me with all kinds of apologies and “let me explains” I simply said “Nothing to explain, it’s who you are. Good luck in life, you’ll need it” Thankfully I have not heard from him since (6 months and going….)! They SUCK ! Don’t shed any more tears over someone so disgraceful. Good loving caring people simply don’t do this stuff to others. Hold your head high, look in the mirror and say “I deserve better!” and block his ass!! Peace Girl!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 27, 2016 at 2:21 pm Reply

      So true! Thank you for sharing, FINALLY FREE!…..Zari xo

  • Karen

    December 17, 2016 at 3:43 am Reply

    Please could you remove my surname from my posts Zari , as I don’t want him or anyone to find me on here X.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2016 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Hi Karen,

      Do you see your surname? I don’t see it. All I see is your first name which you can change if you like when you post again. Your email doesn’t show either. Even if you change your posting name, as long as you use the same email it will still post quickly. Let me know the articles where your comment with a surname is showing and I’ll change it right away.

      xo

      • Zari Ballard

        December 19, 2016 at 11:07 pm Reply

        I found them…changing them now….

  • Karen

    December 17, 2016 at 3:35 am Reply

    I have had an almost three year relationship with a narcissist and during that time he has had at least 3 other relationships , one for a year , one for 18 months , one for 10 months …… There’s almost always been three of us in his life ….. None of this I knew until last weekend when my months of detective work and seeking closure came to a head and I managed to meet with 2 of the other women . The problem now is I feel jo closure as I have no idea why he did this to me ….. He refuses to discuss it it meet with me , but via the other woman is telling her that he and I were never right . She’s agreed to go to counselling with him and stay with him …… He’s love bombing her and getting friends etc to tell her she’s the definite one ….and they walk awAy hand in hand into the sunset ….. I’m insanely jealous , can’t move on and feel like my life is over.its a week to go to Christmas and I have done nothing …. All I want to do is stay in bed and hope he comes back ….. Why am I like this !? Why have I given him 3 years of my time and I’m still waiting …. I’ve no clue how to pick up the pieces and move on X

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