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Co-Parenting With a Narcissist (& the Agony of Defeat)

The only thing harder than breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist is breaking up/going No Contact with a narc who also happens to be your baby daddy/momma. Based on the countless emails and comments that I receive from victims (both male AND female) who struggle to co-parent with a narcissist ex, it’s clear to me that there are no easy solutions. In fact, up until I began to write this post, I was beginning to fear that perhaps there were no solutions but this answer simply wasn’t acceptable to me. How am I supposed to help if there are no solutions? So, I gave the subject a good deal of thought and decided tom put a slightly different spin on this very unique co-parenting scenario. Ultimately, what I decided was that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex AND having a peaceful life can happen because it must and that the Agony of Defeat was not insurmountable.

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Can a Narcissist love his/her children?

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This is the big question, of course, and I believe that the answer to that is ‘no’ – at least not in the way normal people love their children. In fact, it’s not even close. The truth is that a narcissist can no more love his or her children than he or she can love a partner, friend, family member, or anyone else.  I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve never read about it happening. I’ve never heard about it happening. It’s just not possible.  An N is an N is an N. If history showed that even the slightest possibility existed  that narcissists could, in fact, love their own children, I’d be tempted to think that narcissism perhaps was fixable. But there is no history any where that does this…no history, that is, that is based in fact and not in wishful thinking. No, narcissists do not and can not ‘love’ their children.

Now, having said that, do not be misled into thinking that narcissists do not find their children useful under certain circumstances because…oh yeah…they most certainly do. In fact, the N who is a combination “ex-partner” and “co-parent” has the luxury of circulating, surviving, and thriving at levels of evil far beyond that of the typical narcissistic asshole. The narcissist co-parent is indeed a SuperPower in his own right! Yes, he/she who holds this coveted position is awarded the type of false entitlements that a single non-parent narcissist only dreams about. And for the victim partner who wants to get away, a break-up with this narcissist superpower appears too often to be a hopeless situation…a brand new narcissistic show of chaos that promises to be far more damaging than the first, second, and third. And, this time, it is the children who get bumped to the top of the N’s hit list.

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Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?

No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved? You can’t. How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?

narcimpressBecause the N is not a normal human, he/she is going to use the children as a narcissistic tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone. Since the N has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you. The N will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even threaten you – either with CPS or by saying that he simply won’t be bringing them back. Granted, the latter scenario isn’t likely because a typical N honestly can’t be bothered (but the thought is nonetheless horrifying since you know the boundaries that this person will cross both in court and out).  Sadly, you will now have to watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the children. Since the narcissist (again, male or female) can no longer Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological relationship agenda upon the children. It’s likely he/she will make plans with the children and then not show up.  The N may promise to call and then conveniently forget – for days, weeks, or longer. He/she may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be with a “new” ‘victim’ family and partner. He will relish the thought that even now, with the relationship being over, he can still continue to torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least while they’re young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy again!

So, what is the answer?

The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How much time did the N really spend with the children anyway? Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when there’s an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your advantage. You are a good person. He is not.

As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower! You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit, commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text, email, and the sporadic phone call…and it must only concern sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how many of those can there be that have to involve the N?). Above all else, do your best to react to nothing (the point of the N’s game, after all, is to make YOU the psycho co-parent) unless it’s life threatening to the children and even then pay no attention to him/her specifically.

Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all day long if he/she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just won’t be able to help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.

From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes… this we already know so where else can we really go but up?  You must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over. You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for this very day….setting the stage for this break-up because he knew it would come…it had to come. The narcissist co-parent counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you still fear what he could do, might do, will do.  He counts on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!

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Turn it around by having no more fear. It’s time to up the ante.

First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this but that’s too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to “the others” all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids unless you at least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached minutes about Suzie’s sort throat. If you show that you’re willing and actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin behaving immediately to ensure this never happens – and that’s fine too (it’s what we want). I’d be willing to bet that, within a short amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a message to the N that says: I don’t care about you anymore.

Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions. You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life. Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you – as the co-parenting ex victim – will be stronger than any of us who have embarked on this journey.  Your decision to end it with the N despite the fact that you have children together will always be the right decision.

I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. It’s going to be a challenge but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his/her own purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is over!! Don’t allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to stay connected with the N.  Instead, beat the co-parent narcissist at his/her own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you can!

 

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169 Comments

  • Alexander Bird

    September 15, 2015 at 8:04 am Reply

    Good Morning Just Checking In things are going good. My ex has been Diagnosed with Borderline Personalty. She is up to usealy games that not going to change. On the positive side me and Evelyn are planning a trip to Disney on My Birthday and while we are down there i will be getting fitted into uniforms with Orland PD. My Ex is trying to use the trip to manuplate my daughter into conforming,to her wants. I keep telling my daughter not to worry about we are still going to Disney.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 19, 2015 at 5:38 pm Reply

      Hi Alex!

      I always love to hear from you and I’m grateful it’s going well. Now that the ex has been “diagnosed”, no doubt she will use that occasionally to her advantage so be aware. And I still can’t believe you’re a cop because, believe me, you’re going to see the other side. So many narcissists are in law enforcement, I couldn’t even begin to count. You are the absolute exception, brother. LOL I am so glad that Evelyn has you for a dad – enjoy your vacation! Nothing bad EVER happens in Disneyland:)

      Zari xo

  • RD

    September 12, 2015 at 9:25 am Reply

    The coparenting hell has begun. I’ll try to simplify my narc story. 12 years ago I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was smart, attractive, funny, self deprecating and so thoughtful. He was a rising star in the same creative industry I worked in so we seemed to have so much in common. The first 2 years were relatively perfect, my family and friends adored him and I couldn’t get over my luck.

    Then things started to get weird. He began arriving home from work every couple of months so drunk I’d never seen anything like it. Slurring his words unable to make sense, stumbling around until he’d pass out sometimes urinating all over himself. These episodes would seemingly appear out of the blue. Every time he minimized them, “it was just a mistake.” Over time they happened more frequently. I thought he had a drinking problem but he didn’t drink every day and this just didn’t fit alcoholism as I understood it. Still I cried, told him how much it scared me when he came home like this, begged him to stop drinking or talk to a therapist. But he always down played it or he’d profusely apologize and swear it would never happen again.

    Other things changed too. He stopped asking me about my life or hopes/dreams. Having any sort of deep conversation beyond his job was a one way street and like pulling teeth. I felt an enormous lack of intimacy. He’d tell me he adored me, but he really didn’t show it anymore. Or put any effort into growing the relationship emotionally. It was like he was happy for us to look perfect on paper but the reality was he didn’t really seem even interested in me as a person anymore. I felt lonely in my relationship.

    We got married had twin daughters and moved to the burbs. There always felt like there was something missing. He was a great provider and thought really nothing of spending money on our family but was physically and emotionally absent. I don’t think I ever heard him share a vulnerability he had or act interested when I tried to connect with him. He loved to talk about his job and how great he was. He craved compliments. I grew resentful because he was never home because of “work” and really put no effort into our relationship or his daughters. Plus the weird drunken episodes grew more frequent and disturbing. I would literally feel panicked when he would casually say he had a client dinner thing and would be home late because I knew he would likely arrive home in a state.

    Then everything went to hell. To sum up…his mother had a minor stroke.. (btw his mother was very strange. I am almost 100% certain she is on the Autism Spectrum. She reminded me of Temple Gradin, same odd affect. They had virtually no relationship and she never called or remembered his birthday. He Also didn’t have a relationship with his ultra nerdy brother.) he went down to Texas to assess the situation, only to find out she was a huge hoarder. Like think worst episode of TLC’s hoarders. Rats, roaches, boarded up windows from a hurricane that happened 3 years prior, no running water, 8 years of unpaid taxes. She was completely psychotic. He ended up spending 15,000 of our savings on cleaning her house, then put her on a plane to go live with his brother. When he came back the drinking episodes got worse. He completely abandoned her house, my parents tried to help him, my dad did his moms back taxes, helped him figure out what to do so he could save her home, hoping he could sell it so she’d have something beyond social security to live off since she was elderly and clearly couldn’t work anymore. He just avoided it all. My parents stopped trying to help. I stopped trying to get him to help her as he would lash out at me. Then one of our daughters was diagnosed with autism. That was it, he completely checked out. While I killed myself getting there ought therapy, chose not to go back to work so I could manage her care, he worked nonstop and was never around. Never wanted to talk about her issues. He started stealing adderall from me and abusing Ambien. His personality did a total 180. He Went from sweet, although emotionally distant/disconnected at times to relentless gaslighting and picking on me.

    I literally did not know how to deal with it. He has always put me on a pedestal and respected me. Suddenly I could do nothing right. The contempt he had for me was totally disorienting. The more depressed I got over this the more he drilled into me that I was mentally ill and unstable. He started calling my friends and family behind my back telling them I was so depressed I wasn’t leaving the house
    ( total lie, I was depressed sure but I was not THAT depressed, I still took my kids to preschool, set up play dates, saw my friends the house was clean etc…) then he started looking at my email, browser history, text messages and accused me of thinking our daughter was schizophrenic and that I had munchusen bi proxy disorder!!! He began denying she even had Autism ( despite 3 professional opinions and an ADOS test) he started implying I had borderline personality disorder and then called more friends again without me knowing and telling them I was borderline. As if it had been literally diagnosed. All during this time, he was abusing Adderall, Percoset, Ambien, Alcohol, and even stole an entire bottle of Lorazapam my doctor had prescribed me for panic attacks I was having after he called our doctor and told her I was giving our kids dangerous supplements ( children’s omega 3’s and gummy vitamins!!!) and she called a meeting to discuss. He called a lawyer around this time and was planning to have me served before Christmas! Until I found out! Long story short, we tried to work it out because it was almost Christmas and let’s face it, I was a pathetic shell of myself at this point with two little kids, one with special needs. I was afraid.

    4 months later after ignoring his daughters and I on Father’s Day, he left for a business trip, cheated on me, was confronted by me, denied it and had me served 2 days later.

    The discard was BRUTAL. He posted happy photos on Facebook with kids at the beach while I was left alone at the house to sob. He acted like a total sociopath. He’d say creepy things like, “hey do me a favor and try not to cry in front of the kids okay?” He refused to leave the house except to go to work or meet up with his mistress. He wrote a Facebook message to all of my friends and family annoying he was divorcing me and to trust him it was the right decision for himself and the children. The morning after I found solid proof of his infidelity on the business trip and left it on his bed, that morning he casually asked me if I’d get him an iced coffee whe I was out. That’s how creepy he was. Ok will continue this in a bit…

  • Mathetes

    September 9, 2015 at 9:52 am Reply

    Good article. Thank you for these reminders. The mask does always slip. They may be adept at finding new minions to buy into their sob-stories and projections for a time, but in time the mask slips or they simply get bored and discard these people when they are no longer useful. The part about being conditioned to always worry about what is coming next is so true. I go into worry/prediction mode whenever I have to deal with my ex wife regarding the kids and I see that she is angry. Yet, she acts as though *I* am the “scary” one, because I’ve stood up to her before (which she portrays, of course, as attacks). I put down firm boundaries, but she feels threatened by those and has to up the ante with sometimes completely ridiculous demands… because she knows she can. She knows that I, unfortunately, still have to be in some form of contact with her because of the kids. So she puts new hoops for me to jump through. Very frustrating. These are truly terrible, terrible people.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 26, 2015 at 4:38 pm Reply

      Hi Mathetes,

      Thank you for writing and I apologize for the delay in responding. Please, if you can, download my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face from Amazon because I wrote it specifically for the guys who have to deal with the narcissistic female. If there’s anyone who could possibly be WORSE than a narcissist male, it’s a narcissistic female. The reason that she can do what she does is because society, for the most part, allows it and she knows how to work the system. That being said, there are ways to take back your control. Please read the book because I believe it will empower you, my friend.

      Stay strong and write anytime. I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Sally Ann

    August 28, 2015 at 5:46 pm Reply

    Hello there,

    What a brilliant and straight to the point article.

    I don’t know where to begin really with my situation, so I suppose I’ll just start with where I handed my own daughter over to my abusive ex.

    By the time the final custody hearing was to be heard, I actually felt like I was going absolutely crazy. I know this is a pretty cliche thing to say, but I really felt like my ex was the better parent and that he SHOULD have custody of her. I mean, after all he had drummed this into my head so insidiously that I ended up believing it 100%, I was told that I was crazy, incapable, irrational, out of control, vindictive, selfish, untrustworthy, greedy, erratic, inhumane, insecure, jealous, difficult, disgusting, deplorable and dangerous. I was told that I was an emotional well being destroyer and that I played with people’s minds to cause carnage in their lives and on a regular basis I was mentally battered with the “Don’t you DARE question ME” and it didn’t matter what I said, how I said it or what I asked…….my stomach is turning as I write this.

    By the time he was finished with me, I had lost my hair, my teeth, my mind, my financial stability, my home, my car, my income and my daughter. There was no where to go but to C-PTSD town. And I spent quite some time there enveloped in panic attacks, chronic insomnia, hyperthyroidism, hyper vigilance, involuntary isolation, exhaustion and being triggered all over the place on a daily basis. There were times I thought he was in the room and there were also times when I actually thought I WAS him.

    He had gotten so far into my head that I was gone and the only voice that spoke was his. It was like he burrowed into my brain and then infected me and everything around me.

    I understand now that the projection of those words onto me destroyed me from the inside out. And I’m still not fully recovered from that. I’m getting there though.

    I cannot remember the last time that my daughter was with me. I don’t remember that day, but what I do remember was the feeling like I was floating from my body out into Space. I was no longer here. And any time I had to be back in Court with him I’m not kidding when I say that I contemplated just ending it rather than having to be near him.

    I mean, I was referred to a Domestic Violence Support Group and although I found them supportive to a degree it made me panic to see women that had been there for 5 years, still not recovered. At that point I didn’t know what I was recovering from but it freaked me out, and to be honest I had nothing left energy wise to be freaked over that too.

    Plus it didn’t sit well with me that I was expected to take responsibility for MY part in what happened. I couldn’t fathom that. How could I have been responsible in any way for what he did to me? How was it that I was the one in a Domestic Violence Group from being with HIM and he was on his merry way into the sunset with my daughter, my income and free to do the same thing to somebody else? In the end my instincts began to return and they blocked that mentality and my recovery sped up.

    Since then, I’ve studied Domestic Abuse, however that course was also full of subtle victim blaming, which I didn’t like but got on with it. I’m so far into Narcissism at this stage, like most of us on here, we could all write a book I bet!

    Maybe I will pop back on here when I have brought my daughter home, which is exactly what I intend to do, maybe my story will be a success story, because I have absolutely no problem taking him on now.

    I would wipe the floor with him in Court.

    Thanks for listening/reading :))

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 8:40 pm Reply

      Hi Sally Ann,

      Girl, I want you to make it. I want you to bring your daughter home. It’s not too late and don’t you ever give up. I am going to go to my email right now and send you a PDF copy of all three of my books because I believe they will empower you. The time is now to get things back on track and take your life back. His power over you is all an illusion that HE creates. Once we get past that, the road is clear and free of debris. As for the children, they are resilient and forgiving, believe me. And they will KNOW the truth at some point – make no mistake.

      I am going to send the books to the email that you used to post your comment. When you get your daughter back, you let me know and feel free to write any time before then during the journey. I’m here to support you!

      Stay strong and look for the books!

      Zari xo

  • Lori

    June 25, 2015 at 12:15 pm Reply

    I am just now figuring out how much of a narcissist I’ve been dealing with. I was married for almost 19 years and spent so much time covering for my ex and people pleasing and taking care of everything to make his life easy; that I didn’t realize all the excuses I made for him were killing me. My question is how do I deal with the most recent situation. Our oldest son is 18 and his relationship with his father is strained. I have my kids 80-90% of the time because he has never made his kids a priority…and still doesn’t u less it’s convenient or makes him look like a good dad. I recently found out that my son and his 16 year old best friend were being provided alcohol from my ex when they are at his place. My 47 year old ex is providing it, getting drunk with the 16 year old and once even went out driving. My ex is a respected professional in his small community because no one knows the real truth about him. My son and I told his friends parents and they supposedly are keep g him from going there anymore. I have a younger son who is 12 and highly influenced and does t see the manipulation. I confronted my ex on the alcohol but he doesn’t even show any remorse. I’m tired of him dragging me through the mud with everyone In the community and then doing all these horrible things and I just have to stay quiet. I’m concerned about my kids and don’t want to live like this forever. My ex has a girlfriend now who has young children and she is as bad as my ex and I feel powerless to do anything about the situation. I don’t want my youngest to turn out like him and it kills me that he puts the new gf first and she has no idea what he has done or is capable of- sadly, I’m not sure she would care. At the end of my rope!!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 6, 2015 at 2:54 am Reply

      Hi Lori,

      Thank you for writing and I apologize for my delay in responding. I’m still trying to catch up. What a terrible situation your ex is putting you in but I believe the saving grace is that the kids are relatively older and can basically “be made” to understand if they have to. If I were you, I would tell the ex that he can’t see EITHER of the boys until he realizes that what he did was wrong (i.e. admits to it) and promises not to ever do that again. Put your foot down. I am so tired of narcissist who happen to be “prominent” in town feeling as if they are above the law, morality, you name it. I think it was absolutely correct and responsible of you to tell the parents of the other boy what happened. What the ex did was wrong on so many levels.

      It appears that you have primary custody or no, I can’t tell. But obviously there is a court order involved and I can’t see how any judge in the system would NOT be okay with you withholding visitation if you felt it necessary. He can’t force you to send the children at this point – it’s not as if they are babies (in which case it would be much trickier). You have a legitimate concern and if it ever happens again, I would halt visitation immediately. Narcissists are such lovely parents, aren’t they?

      Please let me know how you are doing and what has been happening. I am here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Alexander Bird

    June 5, 2015 at 7:34 am Reply

    Good Morning more good news finished court once agin I now am the priamary custodian of my daughter. My ex called me yesterday in referance to somethin I told her as we were leaving the court room. I told her that I was not a looser I never was and she had no right to judge any one else. Se called to say that how she treated me was in the past and that we need to move on and forget the past for our Daughter’s sake. Then tried to have overnights at my new Place. This is after she told the back ground investagators that I used to verably abuse and beat her, which me the Job. On a postive note I am starting Nursing School in August. Our parenting Sechudal is Now I get my Daughter Sunday through Thuresday, she gets her Thuresday night through sunday Morning becouse i work Two Jobs Fridays and Saterdays.
    Peace

    Alex

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 6:04 pm Reply

      Hi Alex,

      Always glad to receive an update from you, my friend! Wow….primary custody is awesome. That basically puts you in control of just about all of it without having to go to the courts for every little thing. I had primary custody of my son as well and, believe me, it makes a difference. It’s just a legal half a step down from full custody.

      It was hard to tell from your message but are you saying she cost you your job?? After all that work? Well, gotta hand it to you – you got right back on it, even switching careers, without blinking an eye. You absolutely know what you need to do and that will ALWAYS be your Ace in the Hole:) I’m really really proud of everything you’ve done. I really am….

      And you, of course, understand about NO OVERNITES, right??? LOLOL The audacity!

      I love the updates! Keep ’em coming:)

      Zari xo

      • Alexander Bird

        June 12, 2015 at 11:52 am Reply

        It’s been a weird week My ex and her sister showed up at my job claiming that she did not know I was working that night. Then left imedatly when I pulled into the parking lot saying that heir freind was not going to show up. Then She now wants me to take Evelyn to see a couniler of her choice becouse she thins mydaughter has emotional issues. Evelyn Seems like a normal three year old to me. All she wants to do is go to the pool , zoo, and blow bubbles. I also have to pay for the counciling as well..I dont know what she is trying to pull

        • Zari Ballard

          June 15, 2015 at 10:10 am Reply

          Hi Alex,

          Hmmmmm….yes, she is definitely up to something. First of all, why are the narcissist twins showing up at your work (and why would they even be there if you WEREN’T working?). Makes no sense. As for the counseling, since you have primary custody, I’d put my foot down on that by saying exactly what you wrote to me, “Evelyn Seems like a normal three year old to me. All she wants to do is go to the pool , zoo, and blow bubbles.” I would also add “If I thought she needed it then I’d say okay but since she’s perfectly normal, IT’S A FACT that counseling would do more harm than good and, sorry, I’m not paying for that”. End of conversation. I’m thinking her motive is two-fold: 1) to take back parental control by forcing the issue of Evelyn’s mental health, and 2) to use conversations between her and a counselor about Evelyn AGAINST YOU. What I’m saying is that there’s always the possibility that a counselor won’t see through her mommy disguise like the judge did, know what I mean? I believe that she’s trying to use another avenue in the system to get her way. This is just my opinion and I’m not trying to sound paranoid or to make you feel that way but BEWARE OF FEMALE NARCISSISTS WHO WANT COUNSELING FOR THE CHILDREN!!

          Go with your gut instinct. No need to stick a perfectly normal three year-old in counseling where some stranger is going to grill her about her little three-year old life. No way.

          Don’t forget that YOU have legal control for all intents and purposes. Let me know what happens….

          Zari xo

          • Alexander Bird

            June 23, 2015 at 8:13 am

            Mrs Castro has seemed to have forgotten about the counceling sessions i lue to calling me up about a cut on her Evelyn’s foot. That was blown out of porpotions. The cut was from jumping the couch and falling through. I told her that she could meet me at the Urgent Concerns. It never hapened. Her foot was fine Sunday when I picked her up. What gets me is the fact that the sisters seem to feed off each other BS. Then my daughter is beging to say that Mommies Crazy. She told her attorny that I was poisening My daughter aginst her. I wonder if it is another victom Game.

            Thanks

            Alex

          • Zari Ballard

            June 29, 2015 at 1:33 pm

            Hi Alex,

            Why are you “wondering” if what your ex is up to (re: talking shit to her atty about you) is a game or not? And why are you suddenly surprised and shocked that both sisters feed off each other? Nothing has changed from the moment you started writing on this website and nothing is ever GOING TO change. You have to get the control back because it kinda looks, just from what you are saying and asking, that you may be slipping. This girl is never going to do anything for the good of you or her daughter. You have primary custody and you have to act like it. Stop feeding into her BS. She wants you to wonder what she’s up to and to worry and all that. It’s just the same crap, different day. She simply doesn’t care about anything but getting a rise out of you. DETACH AND INDIFFERENCE is key to dealing with her. Please re=read our correspondence back and forth from the beginning to refresh your memory.

            Stay strong, Alex! You have the truth and the courts on your side!

            Zari xo

          • Alexander Bird

            July 6, 2015 at 11:52 am

            Ya we are going to war agin trying to get her to pay for half for a 300$ tablot my daughter needs for school. Asked her nicley, that did not work, sent her a message telling her that I will not hand it over to her unless she pays her half. That ended up with a 2 hour bash session and her telling me that she cant afford it. Since I am the father I need to pay for it. She has thrity days to pay me her half or I’m going to file for contempt. Im convinced she has lost her fing mind since she is convinced that she is gods left hand and he will punish me and Evelyn will be there to stand up for her.
            Other then that we had a good weekend another sunday spent at the Evil pool that could give my daughter skin cancer, and watching my neighbor soot off fire works. Its funner at my ex’s house see is afraid of everything but at my house she seems to have fun. She was scared the night before with the fire works but when she was with me not locked in a house she had fun watching my neighbor light them. same thing with my Evil dogs, Evelyn love animals.

            Have a great day

          • Zari Ballard

            July 14, 2015 at 4:09 pm

            Hi Alexander,

            Yes, it sure sounds as if the war is on. You are right to follow the law (since it’s on your side here) and to play it by the book. If the courts say she has to contribute for things, then so be it. I know it’s tough to listen to the bullshit but it’s only words. You have to stick with showing detachment and indifference no matter what she says….there’s no way that you should be allowing her to bash you for two hours. Remember the TEN MINUTE MAX LIMIT ON INTERACTION.

            I’m glad you are having fun with your daughter. All those stories the ex tells you about Evelyn’s “fears” are just narcissistic bullshit meant to make you feel guilty or push your buttons or to feel in control. Pay no attention and just keep being the great dad that you are!

            Zari xo

  • Nicole

    May 22, 2015 at 1:34 am Reply

    FROM ZARI TO EVERYONE CO-PARENTING W/ A NARCISSIST: The advice below from Nicole is awesome! Please read!

    From Nicole:

    Excellent post, thank you.

    Between 5 and 7 years ago, I found out my husband and father of my 3 children, was a narcissist. That was when I first heard the official term.

    About 5 years ago, I (we?) began the divorce discussion, but due to lack of finances were unable to set up separate households. These past 5 years has been all about learning to let go – with him still living in the same house. How to react positively to the kids when he’d disappear for weekends. How to choose which points were reasonable to bring up – and how to manage the fallout from them – and which points really either had nothing to do with him or were irrelevant to him in my new perspective of him. In that time, he has been able to push my buttons less and less, to the point that when he finally moved out a few weeks ago, we are now able to see and chat amicably with each other as he’s collecting or dropping off the kids. Will it last? Who knows. All I know is I must never forget what he is…

    When I have reacted to his subtle prodding, it was usually when I had let my guard down, was too focused on something else when he’s around or I forgot what he actually is. I’ve generally managed (not at first! It took a while to master!) to calm myself within a few minutes and am able to carry on with a smile, no matter the insults he heaps on – because I have learned to 1) accept the grains of truth that lie within each insult; accepted the not-so-good in me and learned to love myself all-inclusively, 2) keep on reminding myself that his only intention is to get a reaction out of me and he wins if I let him get it and 3) the kids really don’t need negative energy in their lives; they’ve had their large doses of it already and I need to keep on being strong for them no matter what.

    With each little victory, I have become stronger, he has been more frustrated (to the point where he has blessedly ignored me for weeks on end) and the kids and I have been able to get on with enriching our lives and relationships.

    With regards to now carrying on as co-parent, the kids (17, 14 and 11) and I have already established who the core family is. He’s an ‘add-on’ and we can, will and do carry on regardless with or without him. If he chooses to remain a part of our lives, fine, great, let’s all smile and have a good time. If he doesn’t, no sweat – we know who we are and are firm in our family identity. So far, so good…

    It has been a long long long, really really really really hard few years and the next few months as we all adjust to the new living arrangements won’t be the proverbial walk in the park either. If anyone else out there is struggling, I guess the best I can say is:

    Hang in there. It DOES get easier. Like a muscle that gets exercised gets stronger. Keep yourself in your own skin. Re-affirm your own self, your own boundaries, every day. Forgive yourself when you don’t. Do it again tomorrow. Kids are not stupid. Teach and show them correct living, re-affirm them so they are able to stay in their own skins too, in all aspects of life. Love them. Don’t give in to them, just love love love them. They will figure it all out on their own.

    There is absolutely no reason for you to waste valuable energy either slandering or slinking away from your ex. He/she will dig that grave all on his/her own. It’s difficult to keep quiet, initially, but it definitely pays off. Whenever I forget, I look at my own father. He is a narcissist of note. He now lives in a tiny apartment with almost nothing but a radio and a TV, but most importantly, no friends or family who will give him more than a cursory hello. What a terrible way to leave this earth.

    Keep it up. You, and your kids, really ARE worth it.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2015 at 5:33 pm Reply

      Hi Nicole,

      Thank you so much for writing and I couldn’t have said any of it better myself. I posted a note above your comment for all to read what you’ve written. What wonderful advice! Please share often, sister, and stay strong always. You deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

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