Co-Parenting With a Narcissist (& the Agony of Defeat)

Good Morning Just Checking In things are going good. My ex has been Diagnosed with Borderline Personalty. She is up to usealy games that not going to change. On the positive side me and Evelyn are planning a trip to Disney on My Birthday and while we are down there i will be getting fitted into uniforms with Orland PD. My Ex is trying to use the trip to manuplate my daughter into conforming,to her wants. I keep telling my daughter not to worry about we are still going to Disney.

The coparenting hell has begun. I’ll try to simplify my narc story. 12 years ago I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was smart, attractive, funny, self deprecating and so thoughtful. He was a rising star in the same creative industry I worked in so we seemed to have so much in common. The first 2 years were relatively perfect, my family and friends adored him and I couldn’t get over my luck.

Then things started to get weird. He began arriving home from work every couple of months so drunk I’d never seen anything like it. Slurring his words unable to make sense, stumbling around until he’d pass out sometimes urinating all over himself. These episodes would seemingly appear out of the blue. Every time he minimized them, “it was just a mistake.” Over time they happened more frequently. I thought he had a drinking problem but he didn’t drink every day and this just didn’t fit alcoholism as I understood it. Still I cried, told him how much it scared me when he came home like this, begged him to stop drinking or talk to a therapist. But he always down played it or he’d profusely apologize and swear it would never happen again.

Other things changed too. He stopped asking me about my life or hopes/dreams. Having any sort of deep conversation beyond his job was a one way street and like pulling teeth. I felt an enormous lack of intimacy. He’d tell me he adored me, but he really didn’t show it anymore. Or put any effort into growing the relationship emotionally. It was like he was happy for us to look perfect on paper but the reality was he didn’t really seem even interested in me as a person anymore. I felt lonely in my relationship.

We got married had twin daughters and moved to the burbs. There always felt like there was something missing. He was a great provider and thought really nothing of spending money on our family but was physically and emotionally absent. I don’t think I ever heard him share a vulnerability he had or act interested when I tried to connect with him. He loved to talk about his job and how great he was. He craved compliments. I grew resentful because he was never home because of “work” and really put no effort into our relationship or his daughters. Plus the weird drunken episodes grew more frequent and disturbing. I would literally feel panicked when he would casually say he had a client dinner thing and would be home late because I knew he would likely arrive home in a state.

Then everything went to hell. To sum up…his mother had a minor stroke.. (btw his mother was very strange. I am almost 100% certain she is on the Autism Spectrum. She reminded me of Temple Gradin, same odd affect. They had virtually no relationship and she never called or remembered his birthday. He Also didn’t have a relationship with his ultra nerdy brother.) he went down to Texas to assess the situation, only to find out she was a huge hoarder. Like think worst episode of TLC’s hoarders. Rats, roaches, boarded up windows from a hurricane that happened 3 years prior, no running water, 8 years of unpaid taxes. She was completely psychotic. He ended up spending 15,000 of our savings on cleaning her house, then put her on a plane to go live with his brother. When he came back the drinking episodes got worse. He completely abandoned her house, my parents tried to help him, my dad did his moms back taxes, helped him figure out what to do so he could save her home, hoping he could sell it so she’d have something beyond social security to live off since she was elderly and clearly couldn’t work anymore. He just avoided it all. My parents stopped trying to help. I stopped trying to get him to help her as he would lash out at me. Then one of our daughters was diagnosed with autism. That was it, he completely checked out. While I killed myself getting there ought therapy, chose not to go back to work so I could manage her care, he worked nonstop and was never around. Never wanted to talk about her issues. He started stealing adderall from me and abusing Ambien. His personality did a total 180. He Went from sweet, although emotionally distant/disconnected at times to relentless gaslighting and picking on me.

I literally did not know how to deal with it. He has always put me on a pedestal and respected me. Suddenly I could do nothing right. The contempt he had for me was totally disorienting. The more depressed I got over this the more he drilled into me that I was mentally ill and unstable. He started calling my friends and family behind my back telling them I was so depressed I wasn’t leaving the house
( total lie, I was depressed sure but I was not THAT depressed, I still took my kids to preschool, set up play dates, saw my friends the house was clean etc…) then he started looking at my email, browser history, text messages and accused me of thinking our daughter was schizophrenic and that I had munchusen bi proxy disorder!!! He began denying she even had Autism ( despite 3 professional opinions and an ADOS test) he started implying I had borderline personality disorder and then called more friends again without me knowing and telling them I was borderline. As if it had been literally diagnosed. All during this time, he was abusing Adderall, Percoset, Ambien, Alcohol, and even stole an entire bottle of Lorazapam my doctor had prescribed me for panic attacks I was having after he called our doctor and told her I was giving our kids dangerous supplements ( children’s omega 3’s and gummy vitamins!!!) and she called a meeting to discuss. He called a lawyer around this time and was planning to have me served before Christmas! Until I found out! Long story short, we tried to work it out because it was almost Christmas and let’s face it, I was a pathetic shell of myself at this point with two little kids, one with special needs. I was afraid.

4 months later after ignoring his daughters and I on Father’s Day, he left for a business trip, cheated on me, was confronted by me, denied it and had me served 2 days later.

The discard was BRUTAL. He posted happy photos on Facebook with kids at the beach while I was left alone at the house to sob. He acted like a total sociopath. He’d say creepy things like, “hey do me a favor and try not to cry in front of the kids okay?” He refused to leave the house except to go to work or meet up with his mistress. He wrote a Facebook message to all of my friends and family annoying he was divorcing me and to trust him it was the right decision for himself and the children. The morning after I found solid proof of his infidelity on the business trip and left it on his bed, that morning he casually asked me if I’d get him an iced coffee whe I was out. That’s how creepy he was. Ok will continue this in a bit…

Good article. Thank you for these reminders. The mask does always slip. They may be adept at finding new minions to buy into their sob-stories and projections for a time, but in time the mask slips or they simply get bored and discard these people when they are no longer useful. The part about being conditioned to always worry about what is coming next is so true. I go into worry/prediction mode whenever I have to deal with my ex wife regarding the kids and I see that she is angry. Yet, she acts as though *I* am the “scary” one, because I’ve stood up to her before (which she portrays, of course, as attacks). I put down firm boundaries, but she feels threatened by those and has to up the ante with sometimes completely ridiculous demands… because she knows she can. She knows that I, unfortunately, still have to be in some form of contact with her because of the kids. So she puts new hoops for me to jump through. Very frustrating. These are truly terrible, terrible people.

Hello there,

What a brilliant and straight to the point article.

I don’t know where to begin really with my situation, so I suppose I’ll just start with where I handed my own daughter over to my abusive ex.

By the time the final custody hearing was to be heard, I actually felt like I was going absolutely crazy. I know this is a pretty cliche thing to say, but I really felt like my ex was the better parent and that he SHOULD have custody of her. I mean, after all he had drummed this into my head so insidiously that I ended up believing it 100%, I was told that I was crazy, incapable, irrational, out of control, vindictive, selfish, untrustworthy, greedy, erratic, inhumane, insecure, jealous, difficult, disgusting, deplorable and dangerous. I was told that I was an emotional well being destroyer and that I played with people’s minds to cause carnage in their lives and on a regular basis I was mentally battered with the “Don’t you DARE question ME” and it didn’t matter what I said, how I said it or what I asked…….my stomach is turning as I write this.

By the time he was finished with me, I had lost my hair, my teeth, my mind, my financial stability, my home, my car, my income and my daughter. There was no where to go but to C-PTSD town. And I spent quite some time there enveloped in panic attacks, chronic insomnia, hyperthyroidism, hyper vigilance, involuntary isolation, exhaustion and being triggered all over the place on a daily basis. There were times I thought he was in the room and there were also times when I actually thought I WAS him.

He had gotten so far into my head that I was gone and the only voice that spoke was his. It was like he burrowed into my brain and then infected me and everything around me.

I understand now that the projection of those words onto me destroyed me from the inside out. And I’m still not fully recovered from that. I’m getting there though.

I cannot remember the last time that my daughter was with me. I don’t remember that day, but what I do remember was the feeling like I was floating from my body out into Space. I was no longer here. And any time I had to be back in Court with him I’m not kidding when I say that I contemplated just ending it rather than having to be near him.

I mean, I was referred to a Domestic Violence Support Group and although I found them supportive to a degree it made me panic to see women that had been there for 5 years, still not recovered. At that point I didn’t know what I was recovering from but it freaked me out, and to be honest I had nothing left energy wise to be freaked over that too.

Plus it didn’t sit well with me that I was expected to take responsibility for MY part in what happened. I couldn’t fathom that. How could I have been responsible in any way for what he did to me? How was it that I was the one in a Domestic Violence Group from being with HIM and he was on his merry way into the sunset with my daughter, my income and free to do the same thing to somebody else? In the end my instincts began to return and they blocked that mentality and my recovery sped up.

Since then, I’ve studied Domestic Abuse, however that course was also full of subtle victim blaming, which I didn’t like but got on with it. I’m so far into Narcissism at this stage, like most of us on here, we could all write a book I bet!

Maybe I will pop back on here when I have brought my daughter home, which is exactly what I intend to do, maybe my story will be a success story, because I have absolutely no problem taking him on now.

I would wipe the floor with him in Court.

Thanks for listening/reading :))

I am just now figuring out how much of a narcissist I’ve been dealing with. I was married for almost 19 years and spent so much time covering for my ex and people pleasing and taking care of everything to make his life easy; that I didn’t realize all the excuses I made for him were killing me. My question is how do I deal with the most recent situation. Our oldest son is 18 and his relationship with his father is strained. I have my kids 80-90% of the time because he has never made his kids a priority…and still doesn’t u less it’s convenient or makes him look like a good dad. I recently found out that my son and his 16 year old best friend were being provided alcohol from my ex when they are at his place. My 47 year old ex is providing it, getting drunk with the 16 year old and once even went out driving. My ex is a respected professional in his small community because no one knows the real truth about him. My son and I told his friends parents and they supposedly are keep g him from going there anymore. I have a younger son who is 12 and highly influenced and does t see the manipulation. I confronted my ex on the alcohol but he doesn’t even show any remorse. I’m tired of him dragging me through the mud with everyone In the community and then doing all these horrible things and I just have to stay quiet. I’m concerned about my kids and don’t want to live like this forever. My ex has a girlfriend now who has young children and she is as bad as my ex and I feel powerless to do anything about the situation. I don’t want my youngest to turn out like him and it kills me that he puts the new gf first and she has no idea what he has done or is capable of- sadly, I’m not sure she would care. At the end of my rope!!!!

Good Morning more good news finished court once agin I now am the priamary custodian of my daughter. My ex called me yesterday in referance to somethin I told her as we were leaving the court room. I told her that I was not a looser I never was and she had no right to judge any one else. Se called to say that how she treated me was in the past and that we need to move on and forget the past for our Daughter’s sake. Then tried to have overnights at my new Place. This is after she told the back ground investagators that I used to verably abuse and beat her, which me the Job. On a postive note I am starting Nursing School in August. Our parenting Sechudal is Now I get my Daughter Sunday through Thuresday, she gets her Thuresday night through sunday Morning becouse i work Two Jobs Fridays and Saterdays.
Peace

Alex

FROM ZARI TO EVERYONE CO-PARENTING W/ A NARCISSIST: The advice below from Nicole is awesome! Please read!

From Nicole:

Excellent post, thank you.

Between 5 and 7 years ago, I found out my husband and father of my 3 children, was a narcissist. That was when I first heard the official term.

About 5 years ago, I (we?) began the divorce discussion, but due to lack of finances were unable to set up separate households. These past 5 years has been all about learning to let go – with him still living in the same house. How to react positively to the kids when he’d disappear for weekends. How to choose which points were reasonable to bring up – and how to manage the fallout from them – and which points really either had nothing to do with him or were irrelevant to him in my new perspective of him. In that time, he has been able to push my buttons less and less, to the point that when he finally moved out a few weeks ago, we are now able to see and chat amicably with each other as he’s collecting or dropping off the kids. Will it last? Who knows. All I know is I must never forget what he is…

When I have reacted to his subtle prodding, it was usually when I had let my guard down, was too focused on something else when he’s around or I forgot what he actually is. I’ve generally managed (not at first! It took a while to master!) to calm myself within a few minutes and am able to carry on with a smile, no matter the insults he heaps on – because I have learned to 1) accept the grains of truth that lie within each insult; accepted the not-so-good in me and learned to love myself all-inclusively, 2) keep on reminding myself that his only intention is to get a reaction out of me and he wins if I let him get it and 3) the kids really don’t need negative energy in their lives; they’ve had their large doses of it already and I need to keep on being strong for them no matter what.

With each little victory, I have become stronger, he has been more frustrated (to the point where he has blessedly ignored me for weeks on end) and the kids and I have been able to get on with enriching our lives and relationships.

With regards to now carrying on as co-parent, the kids (17, 14 and 11) and I have already established who the core family is. He’s an ‘add-on’ and we can, will and do carry on regardless with or without him. If he chooses to remain a part of our lives, fine, great, let’s all smile and have a good time. If he doesn’t, no sweat – we know who we are and are firm in our family identity. So far, so good…

It has been a long long long, really really really really hard few years and the next few months as we all adjust to the new living arrangements won’t be the proverbial walk in the park either. If anyone else out there is struggling, I guess the best I can say is:

Hang in there. It DOES get easier. Like a muscle that gets exercised gets stronger. Keep yourself in your own skin. Re-affirm your own self, your own boundaries, every day. Forgive yourself when you don’t. Do it again tomorrow. Kids are not stupid. Teach and show them correct living, re-affirm them so they are able to stay in their own skins too, in all aspects of life. Love them. Don’t give in to them, just love love love them. They will figure it all out on their own.

There is absolutely no reason for you to waste valuable energy either slandering or slinking away from your ex. He/she will dig that grave all on his/her own. It’s difficult to keep quiet, initially, but it definitely pays off. Whenever I forget, I look at my own father. He is a narcissist of note. He now lives in a tiny apartment with almost nothing but a radio and a TV, but most importantly, no friends or family who will give him more than a cursory hello. What a terrible way to leave this earth.

Keep it up. You, and your kids, really ARE worth it.