Narcissist Abuse & Our Codependency to Hope

Then, before we know it, years have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I’m finally divorcing my N after 24 YEARS and 3 kids. Its been at least a dozen years since the last time we were truly financially secure, yet we continued to stick it out year after year by believing his “future faking” promises and remembering the great years we used to enjoy.

It was very painful to finally accept that it ISN’T going to get better, and that even if he DID manage to begin making decent money like he did over a decade ago, it would only be a matter of time before he lost THAT job and we’d be right back to where we started.

Ladies, DO NOT WASTE YOUR BEST YEARS on an N. It WILL NOT get better, it will only get worse. It’s best to cut bait NOW, while you still look young and thin. Lol

There are better men out there, men who don’t live on a steady diet of lies, word salads, and false promises.

I’m currently looking for posts which explore the relationship between people (women) who fall in love with Ns, and those who grew up with a parent who had a Cluster B disorder (like NPD, BPD, APD, etc).

I firmly believe that part of my vulnerability to my ex-Ns love bombing came from spending my formative years with a Borderline mother.

Borderline mothers are infamous for instilling feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame in their daughters. When you grow up with messages of “You are responsible for my feelings,” the shenanigans of an N in your life seem normal.

I wonder how many victims of Ns actually had a personality-disordered parent?

P.S. It wasn’t until I went through therapy, and eventual NC, with my BPD mother that I was able to see the similarities between her and my N husband. It took another 15 years after that before I gave up trying to fix him, gave up waiting on him to change and “be better”. Still, I finally became ready to face my codependency and separate from him for good. What kills me now is that I feel I’ve wasted the best years of my life on that man.

I am stuck with an angry crazy narcissist and I need help.. this is so deeply bad but I still love him some how.. but the more I read on this website the more I realize how terrible it is. And I live with him. I wrote an email to Zari and I’m going to post it here for some support.. this is only a small peak behind the curtain that is my life.. like many of us, I’m assuming, it is so much deeper than what I’m about to copy and paste on here from the email I sent.. so deep I’d have to write a book to fuckin explain the last year and a half of my life.. and even though I’ve obviously always known it.. it’s only now becoming real to me.. or maybe I’m finally realizing that it’s not okay.. ps.. I’ve lived with him for a year and a half.. anyway here’s the email I sent..

I’ve been sitting here reading excerpts from your book/books all night. My boyfriend is a textbook narcissist but he is also a violent mean mean one. At the same time he can be innocent and loving and I still love him very much. I was willing to put up with this until I recently went through his phone (which I had to do because he left it at home one day by accident and he never lets me near it) and I found he had cheated on me a year ago.. now we have only been together about a year and a half but we were good friends for a few months beforehand (back then I didn’t know how narcissistic he really was) anyway he claims he “wasn’t used to being in a relationship yet” which is such bullshit but I just know that wasn’t the only time.. I have taken a lot of shit from him including beatings and severe verbal abuse that has made me lose my self worth. In fact my self worth is completely dependent on him.. or it was. I realize who he is the more I read about it on your website. He controls all the money I am never allowed to keep money myself.. I have gotten to a place where I’m comfortable but I can’t deal with the fact that he is a total cheater, this has broken my heart completely.. more than all the abuse, more than all the horrible, evil things he has said and done to me.. but the more I read about narcissists and cheating, the more I realize it’s just who he is and I become more and more hopeless about this relationship. I really really would like to speak to you i just want someone to talk to who really understands

That was part of it.. anyway I’d like to get to know other victims of this abuse and try to get some help from people who really understand, thanks.

I was involved in an affair with a married man for 16 years. He made many promises that he would leave but there was always an excuse. When I threatened to leave he would love bomb me back into submission. He was involved in my life as much as any spouse Mon-Fri raising my children with me and having dinner at our home every night. Coming to family gatherings, basically living a double life. I treated him and considered him as my husband, even though I knew better. He liked me keeping my self for him.
His wife had some idea something was happening but not to the degree it was. At the end I couldn’t take the excuses anymore and told him he had to make a choice. He did, he decided to tell his wife he had an affair and he wanted forgiveness. He left out the details of how long and that we shared a child. She took him back. When I did not accept the terms of remaining “friends” he turned his back on me, the child we raised and anything in my life. At least that is what he told her but secretly he would still communicate with me. The breakup happened 5 years ago. Since that time I have found my way to a much happier life with my kids, professionally and emotionally. I have met an amazing man who I have been with for 4 years who has taught me what real love is. my family adores him. He has helped me in my journey to get over the devastation I felt when the affair ended.
5 years later guess who has now come back saying he misses me, I am the best thing that ever happened to him, he loves me, he doesn’t want to lose me. I am his soulmate…etc etc. and guess who is still married and unsure if he wants to stay married.
Needless to say he is starting to take up space in my mind and I am struggling. I don’t understand why because I know better. HELP!

My experience with a N has rocked me. I have children that where not his that gave me the strength I needed to break away and so far stay strong through the first hoovering attempt.
As far as I know he didn’t cheat on me but he used (hard/party) drugs. After a very intense magical start to the relationship I said I didn’t want the drugs near the boys or me. He promised to stop. Because he loved us more. And lasted maybe 8 weeks before massive mood swings and behaviour shifts. Then said he didn’t care about the promise or how I felt & he deserved to have regular leave passes. This broke me. I said ‘no’ He actually sulked and behaved like a 2 year old. It didn’t change for 2 months. In that time he tried being cruel to make me change my mind he tried telling me if I used with him I’d be more fun and I’d understand & id be smart to keep him around so he can educate my boys how to use smartly instead of them trying to survive with only me. There was a time I started to believe him. In this time we also had an adults only holiday that was awkward and cold. I asked him if he even liked me while we were away. It took another month before I had finally found the strength to walk away.
He all of a sudden was broken and hurt and could see how horrible it had been. He would give me 150% if I took him back. When his mum told him I was not coming back. It was like a switch was flicked. I was dead to him.
I’ve been left an anxious shell and my mum and sisters have not understood and stayed away because I’m to sad to be around. I can’t shske it & I’m at my end. How did this happen in 7 months?

Please help. I was involved in one of these horrible situations. Nearly everything about the guy, I now see, is NPD. I am certain I am a victim of this abuse. I can’t stop thinking about it, even though it’s been a month and a half since he and I last spoke.
It is driving me crazy and I am suffering from deep depression.
The funny things I don’t understand about the whole thing I really need some clarity on, to help me move forward. I would purchase a consultation in a heartbeat, but during this entire drama with this man, I lost my job and I am currently unemployed.
He would never call me his girlfriend, just a special friend. He claimed he was emotionally unavailable, never knew if he would be ready for a relationship again. We were involved for nearly a year. The beginning was amazing but a few months in is when the hot and cold and silent treatments began. Just all the typical things you talk about in your articles. In the end I found out he had a girlfriend, became engaged, then married and expecting a child during the time he was also with me. He ended up completely abandoning me when I told his wife everything, changing his phone number, which he threatened he would do if I told. What I don’t understand is why he told me he loves her an not me? Why would he marry her and claim her but not me or anyone else? He would also show a lot of signs that he was aware what he was doing was wrong/told me I deserve better. He would claim he had bipolar disorder, but didn’t show symptoms of that. He said his wife understood how to handle his “bipolarness” and I didn’t. Do these things still indicate he is in fact a narcissist? He admitted he knew he has something wrong with him and he’s crazy. I just really need help to understand. I also don’t feel I will ever hear from him again, based on how I ruined his game. I just pray for peace inside my tormented mind.

Hi I need some help or advice here please here my wife cheated on me about 5 years ago I tried to forgive her but I cheated on her 3 months ago and she freaked and threw me out. Anyways she was always telling me I am a Narcissist so I started to read and Lo and behold she came leaping off the pages at me. [1] The lack of empathy , I had a kidney stone attack. I was home watching the kids when I let her know it was coming on she shuts off her phone ? I had the flu recently and I said I need some TLC she was like not from me , I was abandoned well hurts a child so it brought up some deep triggers, if this was post my affair but no sadly that has been going on for years and now its like my affair gave her a license to be mean. And she says she wants reconciliation but in 3 months she gave me one peck and sometimes hugs sometimes not, but mostly just snappy mean disrespectful behaviour , when I seriously said I was done she cried and begged me not too her behaviour changed for a few days but that did not last.. { I feel like a mouse being toyed with by a cat.} of course I am hyper dependant on that. [2] Well at couples therapy when I wanted to talk about my childhood medical issue that tied into her lack of empathy , She said we talked a bout this last week she already heard it. I asked the therapist and she was like no she never. …. isn’t this called gas lighting ?? She frequently try to convince me that things did not happen like they did IE: she now says her affair was only a text thing , although when I caught her she had flown him to a hotel. I just feel beaten, broken chewed up and discarded I have never felt this slf loathing like i have after separating ??? I am confused ok thanks