Plausible Deniability is the Narcissist’s Free Pass

Wow, the conversation you had with W gave me chills. I’ve had so many versions of that type of argument! It’s sickening. Your blog has been a godsend. Thank you for all that you have written about on this subject.

W: Yeah, it’s always my fault. If I’m so bad, then what the fuck are you with me for?!

I ALWAYS thought I was the only one who EVER heard that question. My next unspoken thought was, I don’t know. Who the hell are you anyway?

Ive just been discarded by my N ex boyfriend – he was wonderful , giving , i spent most of my time with him , i was happy , thought he was ?
His daughters age 29 and 32 didnt want to know me , he said ? Then in just 4 months , just after taking me on holiday abroad – he wanted a 2 week break ?
I was stunned and hurt – we had no rows just a lovely time together – hed learnt slot about me — my fears – other women and being alone .
Then i cslled him cos the txts snd cslls chsnged , i asked if he had snother woman / he denied and put the blame on me to the point i was apologising ?
Cmas came andche had a party – invited a woman i thought was dangerous and thay spent most of the night together in frontvof me sndcall the guests – i was in bits and very ill .
And so my n had started the second phase . Next i found a txt from a differentwoman of course i was nits and awful with a bad mind – how dare i touch his propertyy his phone .
The phone he put in his boxers , took the toilet , the shower ? The phone never stopped . On our 1st anniversary he showed me a photo of a woman on his phone ? His ex – i didnt know he had one ? She was lovely – he wished he could have stayed with her , he was still tslking to her just as he met me – i asked to see both last txts of these women – he accidently deleted them !!!!
Course i was mad , bi polar , too suspicious . He had another 2 week break not seeing me . He made promised to go to parties with me and bsck out at the ladt minute . I spent 3 weeks looking after him after an op and 4 weeks later i catch him out that hes met a womsn for lunch – i challenge him snd he only went for a chat- he didnt cheat or lie or deceive ? I was mad and my past was making him pay .
Theres so much more in all this time .
We were meant to go together , he got my family excited thst they would see me after 7 years , and now i wasnt going . I was devasted at the betrayal and not seeing my family .
After 5 weeks of him coming and going and rows it was my fsult and how dare i accuse him – he had never seen another woman never had sex with another woman . He discarded me like something of his shoe , 15 dsys before xmas – it was agony and hell . I went to see my family the journey there snd bsck horrific snd sad snd painful . I missed him my N . I blamed myself . He came my work wen i arrived home , tol me he met someone else was falling in love , was sleeping with her – i fell apart he said he wanted nothing to di with me – i was beside myself . Turns out he was with thecother one at leadt 9 months wen i found hed gone for the meal .
Im in sgony – my head spinning , cant sleep , i gave my all – he ssid thst aswell and i lost him snd everything cos i should have listened it was just a meal ? I miss my life and wot i thought my future was and him – but it was all fake and its agony trying ti be myself again . Theres more to my story pain anxiousness wondering waiting , him disappearing , times not matching . Suddenly having to work and no signal there , i wouldnt wish this on anyone . How and wen does it end . Theres no contact . But my heart and soul are broken . I lost a job cos of this so im in a mess with finances . My worst fear was to be left for another woman and the loliness that follows – he gave it me without remorse or regret .
He had me on a pedestal , his trophy , and knocked me off without looking back .

I tried to post my first post last night as I was in day 2 of no contact and needed some help. I am 10 yrs in 7 of those oblivious to the affairs. I was 2nd shift come to find out she was 3rd. The other women is who told me … she had texted from HIS phone 3 yrs ago and that is how I found out as she had read all of his texts. She was leaving him … this had happened to her before. She is the one who told me he had NPD…. As time has gone on this EX has been completely in his life… I think on both of there parts, The last straw here is 2 weeks ago I caught them sexting. I confronted… the silent stare, then the twisting. So I let for 1 night. -went over the next day to discuss and a condom was missing. Yes I had counted them that is how far it had gone. Confronted and the answer was “Look nothing went all the way and you broke up with me before anything. You were being paranoid and you got mad and said we were done. Then I got mad.” Like that meant it was ok. Then he said he was going to have no contact with her. So on this Monday.. guess who texts me. She had gotten my number out of his phone before but she texts me that he is calling her in the a.m. and she wants it to stop as it is pissing her boyfriend off. I think she is also a narc… keeping him on the side as she texted me to tell him to stop calling her. Its all horrible, my nerves are shot… No contact is very hard .. the games never stop… I feel weak… like I will see him and he will convince me that it is all her. She is the one who told me once that “I am friends with all of my Ex’s” and I read that in one of your blogs. For years I have talked about the games games games. The cell phone hiding, the lies. All of that has an answer of course… it was because he didn’t want to hurt me that she was still calling him. In June he had went of course behind my back.. all was wonderful before that when I came around the corner and low and behold she was coming out of his driveway. I went in… and the stare, the lie and when I said… I SAW HER… he still tried to lie by saying it was his friend. .. I stormed out… and called said he was sorry… for me to come over and when I did not.. he said ok I am locking up I will be alone all night if you need me honey.. I am here for ya. So I did a drive by 6:30 a.m. and guess who was coming out of his driveway again.. Even after all of that I still went back… and there is more of course lots more. I though have been working on it mentally for along time. This last time when I tried to explain to him you don’t have a fight and then call someone over and go screw them in an instant if you are truly in love with me. You would fight for me as I am not the one sexting my ex.
I have no one to talk to so it helps to write it down. How can I even want a loser like this to call me. I think it is because I just want him to understand. To get the picture…. Probably to have closer, but there is no time ever that I have tried to make him understand that he understood. My feelings have never mattered and when the pretending that nothing has happened rears its ugly head again it just shows me that there is no emotion. There has been many a time that I have said.. when I catch you it just makes you smarter. I know the condom thing really caught him off guard and I have to tell you I feel quite proud of myself although now that also makes him smarter as he will have the stash to replace it. Like that is ok.

Day 1 of NO CONTACT. The beginning of the end of a beautiful/horrible 10 yrs. I found out about my Narc actually from the women he was with. She had had enough and he was seeing us both at the same time. I was 2nd shift basically come to find out and when I left his house at around 11 pm she would come over after work 2-3x a week and sleep over so she was 3rd shift. I would never have known if she would not have texted me from HIS phone herself and introduced herself, told me she was leaving him and that she had stole his phone and read every text we had together. I could have him. She told me the story of him not being able to be with only 1 person and I cried and cried as I could not believe it. It was very traumatic. It was a dual relationship and she said there was another at some point. This was 3 yrs ago so I was mindless for 7 yrs. For some reason he begged me that I was the only one and twisted it all and somehow I stayed. He told me never again etc. After this I started watching. He hid his phone and when I called him on it.. it became twisted just as you described. Well I found out the code and when he was passed out I would look. There would be many texts to this girl and in the last 2 yrs he has been/screwed her many times. Sent her flowers on Valentines Day and said it was just a friendship.. didn’t mean anything when I called him on it. In June I caught her leaving his house just as she was driving away and he said it was not her… and even when I said I saw her he still looked right at me in the eye and said it was not her. All the while telling me how much he loved me and he will be right here waiting for me if I needed time. He says he doesn’t know why he does it but he will do whatever it takes to make it right. Again major crying… This time is different I haven’t even cried. 2 weeks ago he was sexting with her again and I called him out… it became the twisted mess and I left and did not come back the next night. Come to find out … (as I counted them) a condom was missing. He of course twisted it all because how could I count them. It was my fault. This plausible denial is really spot on. He would just stare at me as I would cry and tell him how awful this is to know and how could he do this to us? There would be no emotion. Nothing.. like he was a zombie. I remember thinking how can he do this and just look at me like nothing was happening. That is the no empathy part. I to also seem to go back most of the time for some sort of answer for closure you describe. That is what has trapped me in the past. I would need to know face to face how and why he would do this. .. why I have no idea.. I guess because I felt like he really loved me so how could he do this, but as I read through all of this documentation I realize it has to stay no contact. He will beg and say FINE You did this and say I love you all in the same breathe. He will say its all her fault she has something wrong with her but when I say.. really? You cannot say your in a relationship with someone he leaves the room. The last straw was just this week when she again texted me and told me he was calling her and for me to tell him to stop it. I never could believe I was so gullible and so stupid, I too had been building to basically leave for a year. I finally have done it…but I feel like I have nerves coming out of my body I am so stressed. I would leave nothing there so I would never need to go back. He has called 1x and texted 1x and today I am feeling weaker….. but I must prevail as it will never get better no matter what he says as it has not in all these years. Even if he is not a Narc he still has not been faithful, but it is really scary to read this… but it makes me feel better and I came across it looking for exactly these answers. Naming Plausible Denial kinda cracks me up as well now there is a name for it. I am very worried about Hoovering… as he will say.. “Honey what are you doing come over”.

Thanks for listening… staying strong.

It amazes me to see how they are all one in the same…the conversation l just read is almost quote unquote of me and a former boyfriend/N, and also and ex husband. So unoriginal, it proves to me that the narcissists in my life are interchangeable just as l am interchangeable to them.
It also proves to me that in finding the second N l was really picking up where l left off with N #1…my unhealthy behavior was looking to get everything l needed from #2 that #1 never gave. Very insightful and very helpful.
I realize how badly my heart aches for something real…..

That’s me