Plausible Deniability is the Narcissist’s Free Pass

This is exactly what I just went through!!!! Was with my bf for years, lived together the last year and a half. I found out not only had he cheated numerous times, but also had used the services of prostitutes. When I confronted him on the cheating alone (had proof! Texts describing the cheating between him and the other girls and him inviting her over while I’m at work) he turned it all around on me, took no responsibility, then called me a whore and accused me of sleeping around, also managed to bring up my past to use against me. He then threw me out in the middle of the night saying I was out of control although I hadn’t raised my voice or called him a name. After reading all the info here I feel relieved and lucky to finally know what I was dealing with. He still texts me calling me a whore and saying I’m sleeping with someone when I don’t reply. Then says “don’t think you’re superior for not responding. U abuse and harass me. Leave me alone” it’s fucking insane!!!! And there is absolutely no reasoning with him. For years I felt sorry for him thinking he was depressed or maybe had some other mental health issues and wanted to help him, now I finally know the truth and can be free

So what does it take for the victims to recognize that 1) obviously there is a pattern going on here, 2) accountability is the key to their problem, 3) while they are trying to keep this slimebag in their life, they are wasting all the “good” years of their own life, 4) the best way to get even is simply to start taking decisive action, take a lesson from the N: doers get what they want, the rest get what they get. Stop being a weak, vacillating ninny that can only REACT to what’s being done and said to you, Make the effort to either verify their lame-o stories, whether that means hiring a private eye, enlisting a friend to play nancy drew, whatever you can do to find out the truth without having to ask the N directly for the answers. Be in control of your own emotions. You don’t have to take everything they say personally, try to detach yourself and let insults roll off your back by sticking to the facts and not resorting to name-calling. If they try to distract you from the point you are trying to make, DON’T LET THEM! Say something like, ok, That’s not the issue here, we can discuss that at another time, if you like, but right now we are talking about ____, please stick to the topic. Then disregard anything they say that does not have to do with the topic. Continuously reject all personal character swipes they might take at you, and tell them calmly, that was uncalled-for and totally off-topic. The only reason they get away with this childish behavior is because you LET them, by getting so worked up about nothing, they know they can throw you off their track so easily, and you continue to fall for it. every. time. You need to have a plan before trying to talk to these people. Have a specific goal in mind, what point do you want to make by having this convo? Keep it simple and try to stick to one topic at a time. Don’t get emotional, don’t get side-tracked. Stick to the facts. Hold them accountable. Don’t stoop to their level. Know what you want. Know how you will act if they exhibit certain behaviors. KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES, and walk away if they insist on trampling them.

There it is again. ” the distraction reaction” is so important in coming to terms with who they are. They really DO this all the time !! Then we try to figure them out and you are correct there is NOTHING to figure out. It’s just who they are and what they do. I was told all the time I ask too many questions. If something happened the day before and I questioned the next day. He’d say ” why are you bringing up the past !?!? He would never ever admit the truth. I lived for the day when he would just come clean. Tell the truth and stop changing stories and shifting blame. It’s just what they do and how they live. Communication is impossible and a total waste of our time !! Nothing truthful, or loving , or kind will come from them. Give up and walk away and save your time for someone who wants it. My ex N is 50 years old. He will continue to work his schemes and ” magic” on women that are needy and / or are looking for the same ideal love that he claims he’s searching for. The thing is a normal person has a chance to truely find it while they have absolutely no chance at all. That is why they hate us , are jealous of us , and envious , they will never find what they think they are looking for because to them. The perfect mate is JUST THEMSELVES !!!

OMG !

With these kind of people, there is no way you can communicate. Its either you’ll have let them win without much of fight for yourself OR if you stick to yourself, its a VERBAL COMPETITION, but never a communication.

I use to have exact type of conversation with my ex-girlfriend. Every time. She slept with some college friends when she got drunk (that’s how the story went on). Whenever she was out of town she totally denied of any conversations. If i stated any kind of problems with her, the talk went straight at me and i had to defend myself for no reason and i ended up feeling guilty.

We were in relationship for 17 months. Whenever i felt hurt, i tried to walk away, but she always came back, cried and i took her in. In hope for a better relationship ahead. She was very mean and bad to most of my friends, my family and with me. Get mad at me if i went out with my friends. Get accused of cheating for no reason. I asked her to drop the relationship many times, but she just lead on and i didn’t know what to do. In my head i was in love with her and was prepared to anything (call me a fool). Lost many of my friends while in relationship with her and relationship with family also went downhill.

Suicide threats a couple of times when i tried to end the relationship. And i began to feel as if the problem is me.

I was 15 months into the relationship and was depressed and hurt. She use to get mad at me for being sad. I didn’t understand. I began to act in a way i never thought i would. I wanted to hear the truth of whatever was going on, i wanted to communicate. But wasn’t happening. Though i cared about her i wanted to hurt her, i wanted to hurt so she could feel how i was feeling.

One day, somewhere in the 16th month. She went to the guy’s house with whom she cheated on me before. I lost it. I tried to ask questions. She wouldn’t answer, but didn’t let her leave. I was ready to beat her up bad just to hear out what the f**k was going on. I never thought a simple straight answers to things that were important for the relationship was that hard to come by. I slapped her four times and she got my best friend involved into it. She begged and cried and got to my feet saying ‘she never opened her legs to anyone’. I didn’t know how to react.

But the next day, for her, it seemed it was nothing for her. like it didn’t even happen. I wanted to protect the relationship so tried to be patient one more time. Same week she left the town for 10 days and like always communication was a major concern. She got mad at me for buzzing her too much, so i just decided to keep quite. After the trip was over, she called me and asked ‘why wasn’t i calling her’. I didn’t have an answer to that. Few days days later, and after a long continuous fight. She said, she could not offer her anything more in the relationship. I could do nothing about that. So i told her that we needed to talk as we were involved in the same startup, we started together. I told her to call me when she was ready to talk. And if she didn’t want to talk. It was okay. I had a strong feeling that the relationship was going nowhere anyway.

She called me and asked me to meet her. I went to meet her only to suffer 5 hours of silent treatment.

That day, i ended up spitting her in middle of the road and got beaten my some guys in the road for spitting on a girl.

We finally broke up. Grief, extreme pain, anxiety, anger, curiosity, begging, apologizing, self-loathe, suicidal thinking and complete shut down was the after math. Took me 6 months to get a bit better and return to regular life.

After the breakup, suddenly she seems to have befriended my friends she use to hate. Still hangs out with my best friend. And i don’t understand anything at all.

Its been 10 months since the breakup. And i still wake up some days in week hurting and crying for no reason. Crying makes the hurt a bit bearable. Got to know about the Narcs and Empaths for the first time. Discovered i was an Empath and many other things about self. Was Emotionally, financially and psychologically damaged, but recovering slowly. Life has changed in a way i never thought of, as if i am learning everything from scratch at the age of 28.

Connecting with new people is difficult now. And ability to trust is somewhat gone. I dunno what to feel about these kind of changes in me. Still looking forward with bit of hope.

Thanks for listening.

Oh geez, I had similar conversations with my husband, gone for now, over the last 5 years. You truly feel like you’ve lost any sanity you had, arguing with a moron, adult equivalent of a child’s tantrum. A dog chasing it’s tail is at least having fun, this isn’t! The circular projections, nonsense of the N defies all logic and emotion. I need to have this as his final exit. Just learned he found a new or prior victim during the last year. I need to make a lasting break. Thank you and everyone for sharing in this unfortunate process.

My Narc mother denies everything. I am her carer, and live with her, as she threatened to remove me from her will and my inheritance, if I did not move in with her 🙁 She uses denial – nothing is her fault. She has thrown out important documents of mine, then yells and screams denial.

Her latest one was where she re-stuffed my saggy draft excluder ( which I had not even told her about, as I was going to fix it myself when I got round to it) – then she yelled and screeched she never touched it, as she doesn’t go near any of my things OR enter my room, when I am not there. I asked who re-stuffed my draft excluder, if it wasn’t her? Her answer (her favourite) was that a GHOST must have done it !!!! Amidst a temper tantrum. WHY could she just not tell me the truth??

Also important letters of mine which were on my table vanished, when she used it for her visitors. She said she never touched them – and I did NOT clear my table, as I had been sick with a virus, and forgot to put them away. Another screeching tantrum ensued – blaming the ghost again. I have no hope of ever getting those documents back, but it’s hopeless to argue with her.

My nerves are shot to pieces, and I am on anti-depressants given by my doctor, when I was close to a nervous breakdown because of my mothers Narc ways. No contact would be amazing, and I look forward to the day when I am free from her. A horrible thing to say, yes, but you have to live with a Narc to understand how the adult child feels. My friends won’t visit because of my mother, and I have lost relationships with men, because of her. It’s a living nightmare – and not one I am going to wake up from, for a very LONG time!

Reading that convo and really your whole blog has my belly in knots, my stomach ready to heave. Had those same damn arguments with the Narc over and over again. I hate that deceitful bastard and his whole family because they are all like that. Liars, manipulators and above all else LOSERS. The circular stories and conversations, the lack of remorse. I wish i had left him earlier or killed him seriously.

I hate him with terror level red hate. No chance to reconcile or hoover me ever again. I don’t like horror movies (his favorite thing was watching murders and torture) so I will not deal with that soul sucking zombie vampire on coke. Fuck that shit.

Andddd…. I got involved with another Narc right after… NC on his corny ass right now too. Caught him also in multi lies as well and bullshit convos just like the one above minus the cussing at me but his ass covering and how ge threw me under the bus about somethings lets me know that shit is on the horizon as well.