Plausible Deniability is the Narcissist’s Free Pass

So, on point. Everyone here has different stories but they are all the same. Amazing, how the narcissistic personality disorder pathology works the same way in different scenarios. I figured I was dealing with narcissism but did not realize that it was a disorder until about two years ago, I googled narcissism. I was shocked to see my story in so many different forms.

In my case, I don’t know where to begin. It’s been 30 years for me. I feel angry and ashamed that I endured so much abuse and didn’t realize that HOPE kept me on a string. Faith in a lie. Like a carrot being dangled in front of me. I started to realize that this so called “love” kept going on through the illusion that I would eventually get this love. IF I JUST TRIED HARDER, I would eventually earn the love I felt I deserved that he used to I thought give me when he so called put me on a pedestal. You will have the love you worked so hard for is the unworded thought that I had. Beware of anyone who puts you on a pedestal. They are feeding your ego to hook you as well as feeding their own. EGO leads to disaster. LIE, LIE, LIE.

God is love. He doesn’t operate like this. Love is soothing, kind, forgiving, secure ALWAYS. I was listening to a sermon by a pastor named Charles Stanley. He was preaching on being obedient to God and what that means. My spirit was deeply affected by hearing about obedience to God. I then realized that tolerating my narcisstic husband who by the way filed for divorce from me wasn’t being obedient to God. Instead of feeling condemned, I feel emboldened to trust God and have no more part of this drama. Jesus my Lord and Savior did not die on the cross for this demonic abuse. It is actually STUPID and EVIL.

I don’t totally blame my husband. I played a part in not listening to my intuition warning me. I had a sense of not being worthybefore meeting this man and it led me to this terrible place. Working on knowing I am worthy is hard for me but will lead me to a better place. But obedience to God is what will lead me out of this. I pray that we all come to that place of inner peace where NPD has no place in our lives.

I have read five of your articles so far and I’m very entrigued to read more. I feel like a lot of this hits home for me. I googled narcissism a year and a half ago when I caught my husband having an affair. I was in the process of finally deciding to get a divorce and he reeled my back in. He told me he would change and made all these promises. He told he would stop contact with her but found out recently he never stopped. When I asked him why he gives me the answer “I don’t know.” I know I have seen messages we he was playing mind games with her and telling her he was leaving me and then would turn around and give the silent treatment. I brought up the fact I saw he still talked to her on the bill and he basically told me that it’s not a big deal and if I notice it’s not for very long and I wouldn’t be bothered if I would just stop investigating him and maybe he should get another phone. He told me when he was drinking he wanted me to go and have sex with another man so he wouldn’t feel so bad about what he did. When drinking he told me to go flirt with another guy because he liked knowing He would be the the one taking me home and likes that another man wanted his woman. I ended up kissing the guy after drinking too much while he watched and later was upset and told me I disgusted him and couldn’t believe I did that and he needed some space. He has been staying in our camper for 2 weeks since. Unfortunately I told him yesterday I wanted a divorce and he was crying then he turned cold to me and then he said he needed 2 more weeks because we had a trip planned to Florida. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep going down this road and I told him I can’t trust him anymore and don’t think I ever can. I want to know from the little bit I mentioned if you think this is examples of narcissism. I have a lot of things that go on that I try to think maybe I’m being manipulated and I’m more than likely co dependent.

I’ve been reading your articles over the last few days. I am in the midst of trying to get over my N. This has been going on for four years now. He was seeing someone else, she didn’t know he was married, at first, but even when she found out and even when she swore she would stay out of our lives, she didn’t. of course I don’t blame her for what’s happened, it’s all him. and even had she stayed away, it would have just been someone else. I did try and warn her about him, I told her he is an N, but she doesn’t care. Altho now that she let him come back, for the FOURTH time, she has admitted to me that she knows he’s an N, a liar, a cheat, and denies everything! Even tho he left me over and over and he is currently gone and with her and NOT coming back here, he sure does try. he will come here and act as if we are a happy couple! it is mind boggling, even tho I know he is an N, I know what ever he says are lies, I know all the tricks, all the games, I know what he’s going to do before he does it! I know him now like the,back of my hand and I have to admit I’ve gotten very good at playing them right back, I know what he’s going to say and do and I always have the answers now, not much gets past me these days. The only thing I’m having a difficult time with is no contact because we run a business together. in the past I’ve slipped up, which is why it has taken four times of him leaving, and yes without even telling me he was leaving me! This last time I told him he could leave, I didn’t care all I wanted is for him to just tell me he wouldn’t be coming back, I didn’t want anything other then that. Nope, he couldn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me he was never coming home again..But that’s ok now, I am free from having to share a home with him! But I wanted to say that I know the denial game and the distraction game. it happened every single time! The only difference is that he never called me crazy or called me names or told me I needed help, etc. He wouldn’t get mad all the time either, once in a great while he would, but not often and in the beginning that threw me off. His favorite line is, “I’m sorry” He truly believes that if he says I’m Sorry than that should be it, end of conversation. He said he was sorry so that’s enough and we should just shut up and all is forgiven because he said he was sorry! The distraction for him was not to turn the attention on to me it was to change the subject completely by him suddenly developing a headache, or his knee hurt or this or that and would just really put on a show. But that’s all the know and they all really deserve Oscars for their preformances! Jumping back to having proof.. I stupidly thought that by showing his new girlfriend the proof she would realize what she was getting herself into..I realized that for some dumbest reason I was still holding on, I tried to convince mysef that she should know, but like any “other” woman is ever going to believe the wife, right! But as I said, I showed her everything and told,her everything. She said she believed me, but she just needed to catch him! That he is just so good at turning things around… No Shit! She’s dumber than I was! So, she is now stuck with him and I now realize had she actually taken my word for it that then he probably would,have comega back here and my life would still be a living Hell! I’m not saying my life is even close to good.. yet, it’s very hard to get over this and I am taking it day by day, some are harder than others but at least when I come home from work, the house is quiet, my stomach is not in knots and I no longer have to worry about where my husband is, who he’s with, will he be coming home, etc.

I have typos in my first comments. Sorry! Here’s the same, but hopefully corrected now! Please post this one instead? L.

Hey Zari….I’m definitely in the same nightmare. 6 year relationship…engaged (proposal was a joke!). Perfect partner for years (so I thought!) to become the cold, calculating monster, that treated me as someone he hated, amd couldn’t stand. Met sometime online amd 12 days later, I found out. In spite of his hiding the phone. I endured lie upon lie, from someone who declared lies were unforgivable! Who portrayed a carefully crafted saint like demeanor. We were the couple everyone admired! Then, it changed. The end was horrific. I found out at Christmas, then he flew to Italy (already planned) and left me, to clear out the house by myself. Oh and by the way, I have MS, so I had to pay people to help me pack, move etc. I did such a great job, he could screw her in our bed the minute he got back! ,and she knew about me, but didn’t care! I’m sure he told her many lies about me! Then the hoovering started, even flying monkey stuff from his ex-wife! I was played for a few months, pushed and pulled. Your fabulous insights showed me I didn’t deserve any of it! It’s eerie how you are mentioning everything I’ve gone through! The triangulation, the contempt, the discard! He owes me thousands, and couldn’t care less about the pain he inflicted! He sleeps well every night I’m sure! Especially with her. And the patterns, they have dogged him his whole life! So his ex wife says! I found out one girlfriend killed herself after they broke up. Seriously. I was told it wasn’t a great break up (are they ever?) then she’s met a new guy, who tragically had an aneurism, and was to be taken off life support. She went to the woods, and killed herself!! After our break up, he felt compelled to really take the mask off! Wanted me to see the monster he really is! Telling me how he had a six month affair with a drug dealer, and she and he were doing coke all the time!! And cheating on this girl. And it all came out! I was shocked! That part of the story had been deliberately edited for years! It was like I never knew this person! We never drank, did drugs etc. he was the best bf, the best dad, just incredible…I thought! A real pillar of decency. Now I see, he’s a real chameleon. Different with every partner. Now he’s into the gym amd drinking, because that’s what the new one does! He has no sense of self, or knows what he likes I guess?! So bloody bizarre!!

Question: If a narc reads these articles, do they see themselves, and admit it? Would they be concerned? Proud? I called him a sociopath, and his answer was…maybe?! Huh?! He’s always told me his ability to compartmentalize the suicide, or painful things! He cried the crocodile tears at the end. But I know they weren’t real.

Zari, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me! The constant angst, the gnawing pain, the constant rerun of conversations, and visuals etc.! You have helped quiet the inner dialogue so much!

Thank you!

Lisa

I enjoyed reading the conversation between you and W and rings so true with narcissists, they do not want to be nailed down and will do everything possible to not get caught in a lie. My oldest sister is so much worse than the example you provided and would make your head spin – her quick thinking, fast talking crazy making is indescribable and makes your conversation seem like a walk in the park by comparison, and please be assured I’m certainly not minimizing your abusive experience. What is really sad is that these people have good qualities, they just don’t seem to comprehend how damaging their manipulative control tactics, lying and deceit creates an ongoing element of distrust that can never be repaired because winning and saving face is more important than creating and nurturing a loving, trustful relationship.

I am no good at writing up responses on sites like these. BUT BOY OH BOY. The crazy making is so bad its almost funny. How are you DEAD on with that script??? These EVIL IDIOTS end up shooting themselves in the foot because they will never have that light hearted free spirited flowing natural love that all of US are capable of having. In most cases I am sure we all have had it in bits and pieces from others in the past. I do not understand myself for ever deciding to marry a man full of demonic characteristics such as these. ENERGY VAMPIRES. EVERYWHERE this man goes there is something troubling in the air. Not o mention the sex is horrible. Just someone masterbating in you YUCK. I had to literally close my eyes and imagine I was somewhere doing somthing else to stomach it. AND they believe they are so handsome. Like dude behind that face is somthing so ugly and repulsive. There spirit probably looks like some animal human beast hybrid. I am a Christian and I dont believe in divorce but I do believe that should I catch him cheating I have every right to leave. Which hasnt happen yet ONLY because I have no energy into lurking around or going through his disgusting phone. I did have him recently take an STD test because I do not trust him one bit. Ladies we have to take some responsibility for letting somthing so ugly into our lives and get over it. And still look to the future. We are still alive and CAN experience true love. Yes we got played but noone said life would be easy

I’ve had that exact conversation endless times.