Does the Narcissist Miss Me?

If I can mentally tell myself “he’s dead to me” and pretend he just doesn’t exist, does that make ME a narc?

We do shift work, same workplace. He relieved my post a week ago and he became all boisterous and cheery when he saw I was there. He asked me a direct question about a charity event I’d been in (yes/no type answer “required”) and then made a comment about how we’d all kicked butt from the pictures he’d seen. All I did was give a half-smile, nod and say “mmm” before walking out the door. I’d been NC for 2 weeks at that time. There’s been no further contact from either side….except for his sister who contacts me daily (and I’m in the process of weaning her off that habit).

It’s not that I’m not hurting, because I am. But he’s “dead to me” and doesn’t exist. It’s almost a surprise when I actually see him. Is this the wrong attitude to take?

I am just reeling with emotions I cannot even define. I had a friendship that turned into an exclusive relationship 2 1/2 years ago. We had so much fun together – in the beginning – but then everything changed. I never knew what I was going to get. He was either overly sweet, or I couldn’t do anything right. My emotions were always on a rollercoaster. Every Saturday night when our “date night” was over, I went into anxiety mode because I wondered when I would see him again because his attitude was so “take her or leave her”. The final straw was when we had our once a week date 2 weeks ago and he got a non emergency phone call and talked on the phone all the way through dinner and all the way home. He completely ignored and humiliated me in the restaurant. I know this was because I had had a disagreement with him earlier in the day because there were rumors swirling that were getting back to me about him and a girl 1/3 his age. I told him how I felt the rumors were embarrassing and disrespectful to our relationship. He didn’t seem to care either way about my hurt. Shortly after that was when he got the phone call. I know he made it pay back for standing up for myself about the 22 year old. He is VERY controlling and I basically told him that I would not put up with his behavior or I was gone, so he had to do something to level the playing field. When we got back to his place, I asked for the key to my house back. He was furious and gave it back but I did not hear from him after that. Mid week, I felt a little fooplish about how I handled the evening. So, I sent him one text and said “Although I still felt the phone call part was rude at best, I apologized for my immature behavior because it stemmed from anger and hurt and could we please sit down and discuss this like adults. He waited 24 hours and wrote back in a text that he didn’t want to work on it. That I needed to look for a “better fit” that could give me more attention. Really? I only saw him once a week for 3-4 hours! I am not a clingy girlfriend. Don’t ask me why, but I miss him so much because the good times were so good. It is all I can do not to text him again but I won’t because he ended it. But to do it over a text? That hurt the most because we promised each other we would never break up in a text. And he couldn’t even give me that. Please help me because I am spiraling downwards fast.

I just wanted to say Thank You for sharing your experience in this way. I honestly haven’t been able to read (my former favourite ) much for years but for some reason and, like yourself after 7yrs you just knocked the nail on the head. Bought the book from Amazon just last weekend I began and wow. At chapter XIII just felt compelled to say a huge Thanks. I’m from the UK and your ex N personality traits so similar. Trust I’m starting with the NC concept wish me strength.

Another great article, Zari. Thank you.

I think my turning point was the day I asked myself, “Is the narcissist worth thinking about?” Until then, I’d always been thinking about whether I was validated in the narcissist’s eyes, instead of doing what I ought to be doing in the first place: deciding whether he was worthy of my time. In essence, whether *I* truly wanted to validate *him.*

I decided his behavior sucked and he wasn’t worth my time, in essence rejecting him, and then I ghosted him. Six months later, when he came back and discovered I was no longer there, he panicked. Oh well.

Hi Zari it’s been a minute since I posted out here but trust me I still come often very often. Zari you and I know what it’s feel like to be discarded over and over. Me 17 years asking that same crazy question (I call it crazy on my be half does he miss me?) hell no. Like you said he does not and i have been coming here since 2014 and I was a mess. Ladies and guys this site and Zari blog helped me get over this N. Yes he left me Zari but I’m good but I have my days like I had today but I want to say you are always on point every time and I will continue to come here. It’s hard some days but I can truly say they never disappear at all. But guess what I DID blocked his ass every way and yes he tried but he can’t contact me. Zari this is just an update on myself and I’m so good now and thank you for the awesome blog and articles and yes not letting my guard down I will continue to be coming to your blog. Like you said the only way I have healed and sttill healing from my 17 years with the Narcissist was to realize he never cared and I’m so good with that now and yes I have my days and when I do remind myself by saying the Narcissist asshole I had in m life of 17 long hard years never cared.

Thank you for listening Zari I look forward to more articles and blog.

Deanna

Zari, time and again you amaze me with your cogent explanations of narcissistic behavior. I hope everyone eventually gets to the point where they no longer care how the narcissist feels, and only look after their OWN feelings. I have my own sentence after “Does the Narcissist Miss Me?”…”Does It Matter?”

In short, no, the narcissist doesn’t miss you. From my relationship with my fiancee, I’ve learned that the person who REALLY cares about you doesn’t voluntarily spend enough time away from you to “miss” you to begin with. We love each other’s company so, of course we want as much of it as we can get. Not to say we don’t also retain separate lives and interests (i.e. I occasionally have dinner with a friend and some girl talk, he’ll have guy time)…but even then, we never disappear on each other. We let each other know where we’ll be and that we’ll see each other again in a few hours. In fact, the minute anyone disappears on you…you should make plans to also disappear on THEM!

If it’s any consolation, while the narcissist may not feel the pain that we do…they also never feel the love that we do either. Everyone here might not see it now, but they’ve dodged a bullet…in no longer giving love to someone who will never return it and never deserve it.

Thank you so much for posting this! I have been moving forward from the N over the past three weeks since running into him and him treating me like I have the plague. I write and do the workbook exercises.

But then, the N had a birthday. So I stupidly decided to send him a birthday message. I know he saw it because shortly after I sent it, I could see him online.

He didn’t even bother to say thank you.

So this threw me back into the pile of tears and worthlessness I was feeling a month ago.

Here is the main issue. When I read about low quality and high quality supply and I read about hoovering and he is just completely ignoring me, I feel like I am worthless. And I feel worse knowing that he is actually a total loser. You know, lives at home with mom in his late 30s, could never make up his mind about a career, holding on to a girl in her early 20s. But why is he ignoring ME. Am I THAT worthless that someone like him sees no value in me?

It is really bothering me, and I know part of this goes back to a childhood of feeling this way all the time.

I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want to contact me? Even though I know intellectually that he is an asshole and has the emotional mind of a five year old. Why can’t I get my heart to the same place my mind is? Why am I letting this person make me feel so worthless? I didn’t even have a real relationship with him and I am married to a wonderful person who is putting up with my deep depression.

I am tired of feeling that only a word from the N would make me feel better.

Now, I am old enough to not email him, call him, text him. I never begged or let him know this is how I am feeling.

The funny this is that people from the outside who know him tell me that he is a loser. My husband actually met him and said he felt sorry for him because he obviously has very little success with women. (husband has no idea how deep my obsession is). I asked my mutual friend if he had seen him or heard from him and my friend told me he had not seen him since this all went down. Then he told me that many years ago he tried to hook up with a good friend of his and this friend pushed him away because he was way too intense (probably a person who did not fall for the love bombing) and that the N did not have contact with my friend for over 3 years afterward. My friend thinks he is totally humiliated and that is what motivates him to not see him (the mutual friend).

I feel like the N discarded me after he revealed too much of his true self. The one full of rage and the one that compartmentalizes people into boxes. I guess the need for closure is what I really want.

I wish I had not sent that birthday greeting because it has pushed me back too much.

For anyone reading this, staying NC is essential. Even if they are ignoring you, stay NC.