Narcissist Abuse: Finding Support When Nobody “Gets It”

IMPORTANT POST ABOUT THERAPISTS:

Zari, your blog is amazing and it is being very helpful for me. Thank you!

I was involved with a narcissist, in a long-distance-relationship, for 3 years. During the “relationship” I broke up and moved back with him for thousands of times, however, last January I broke up with him for good. From time to time, we develop some work together. Last April, I met him again and finally realized he is a narcissist. All of his behaviors, compartmentalized life, triangulation, cell phone game, lies, manipulations, abuses, grandiosity and lack of empathy made sense for me at that time. He never assumed me as his girlfriend and one time when we were discussing that, he said: don’t you think you are too old to demand that from me? I will never be able to forget his cold eyes when I was crying and he refused to support me and just said “I am being honest with you”.

I think most of the times, therapist can’t help after the narcissist abuse, but in my case was even worse, because the therapist practically threw me on the arms of the narcissist. After a very painful break up with a non-narcissist boyfriend, I decided to make psychotherapy. In the meantime, I met the narcissist with who I was involved. Different from my ex, he was charming, successful and highly educated. My therapist said with these very words “finally you met a man for you”. He told me that he was not divorced, but was separated from his wife for 10 years. I didn’t see any red flag at that moment. He used to visit his family every 2 to 3 months, because they live in different states, and at the beginning I naively imagined he used to be hosted in a hotel. However, in the first Christmas during “our relationship” I discovered he used to stay in the house with his wife and kids. He said he didn’t sleep with his wife, but anyways, for me, this was a huge red flag. When I learnt that, I had already bought a plane ticket to visit him and I considered giving up of the trip and of the “relationship”. However, my therapist convinced me to go and she used arguments like that – if he is separated, he is not going to have an affair with his own wife; he is a successful man, then I can conclude that he is an honest person; everyone changes and soon he will be assuming you as his girlfriend; if he doesn’t do that, you will break up with him.

The therapist was not aware that narcissists are charming, have a very compartmentalized life and that they search for success to supply their egos. And worse, she was not aware that, after be hooked by a narcissist, there is a possibility to be addicted to them. And she knew that I had some co-dependent traits, because we discussed that.

I don’t know if my therapist hadn’t say that, if I would be brave enough to break up with him before that visit and if I would keep my decision for good. However, what I know is that this “relationship” was the most painful experience I had in my life and that I am now much more aware of whom I am than four years ago. And what I can say for sure is that some therapists are not prepared to recognize a narcissist and help their patients to avoid them.

Thank you! A friend who “always” understands told me that once I’m “over it,” I can rent a room to the narc next time he’s looking for a place.

I kept wavering with “no…yes….no….yes…” and ended with a “hell no!” She doesn’t understand just what we have dealt with from the narcs, but will never admit that. She just gets all chirpy and peppy and says I’ll be fine…which I will, but I resent the tone/attitude about it.

Does everyone find themselves re-evaluating all their other friendships after going NC with a narc?

Hi Zari , I have been reading your newsletters through emails for along time now, I was with my n for 5 years , I was lucky my family and friends refused to leave me , I nearly lost them all but they stuck together and would not let me go , I read what you said that that is rare for that to happen, I was about 3 years into the relationship when his sister who had never got on with him seen a program on television on narcissism and said she thought he had it. I started to read all about it , she was right , I thought now I know maybe I can live with it and see the signs so I carried on for another couple of years, no no no , then I came across you and your articles you saved me along with my family , 2years now not letting him near me , he still call to give me verbal abuse or try’s to be nice but now I don’t answer, he leaves voice mails but not heard from him in2 months , will never ever let that monster back into my life , every word you have said in your articals was spot on and I have saved every email thanks so so much Zari

To all those here who have commented and to all those whom sadly will come to these pages, my love and blessings are with you all in your time of need. My experience of narcissistic abuse is not only professionally as a clinician but also from personal experience. I hope I am not breaking any rules of this blog by suggesting you read my article on the subject here http://www.bournemouthhypnotherapy.co.uk/narcissistic-abuse/ Given the comments above I hope that it will be of use and comfort. Heartfelt thanks to Zari for her excellent work and raising awareness of this subject/

You hit the nail on the head with this post. I seen a therapist after the 2nd discard, and she refused to acknowledge NPD, that I discovered on my own, by a Google search of the silent treatment. I eventually stopped seeing her. And I sadly returned to the Narc and was discarded again the day before VDay (sound familiar?). But this last time I watched it all unfold as it has in the past, but only this time I knew what was happening. It hasn’t been as hard this time around. I’m thankful for the silent treatment. But fear the hoover because I think he’s probably wondering why I’m not begging for him to talk to me. I actually have a filter on this email that will bounce back that this email no longer exists, and I have blocked him from every outlet possible. I have also lost trust in supposed professional help, and greatly rely on the Internet to read, read, read. Thank you for your work. I will be purchasing your books!!!

My experience with a female narcissist, to whom I was married and subsequently divorced, has been an exhausting, emotional roller-coaster. I will tell everybody here and now…you cannot help these individuals. I know, because I tried to do just that. What happens is they “come and go” via the “I am sorry” routine. You let your guard down. The minute they sense they have you back (emotionally) they become abusive ( emotionally, if you simply talk to them) again and BAM they are gone. It will ALWAYS be “your fault” despite ample proof they are the cause of why you find yourself, where you do. My advice, after trying to be understanding for over 2 years is this: “Cut them out of your life completely. You may feel you are helping them, but you are wrong. You are enabling them, because they are some of the sickest people (emotionally) you will ever encounter. Nobody is immune from their manipulations…trust me on this. Cut the strings and run. You may be lonely, but it beats being abused by a long shot. Life will improve, trust me.
( It probably cannot get much worse, right?)

Thanks, Zari. The point about therapists in these cases is important. I went to speak to one soon after meeting my narcissist, and he said he saw no red flags!!! He obviously had no training in this area! And the point about friends and family – I lost friends over it. They think they are dealing with normal ‘man’ behaviour, or I kept getting “maybe you are not compatible”, which was one of the worst comments because it missed the point, downplayed what I was being put through, and almost equalised the blame between me and the narcissist for the dramas.