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Narcissists & The Art of Future-Faking

wolfCalling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing the type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. In other words, it’s the depth and breadth of the lie that we become tethered to because it speaks to our heart’s desires…to what we’ve wanted all along. The narcissist, of course, knows this and thus will use his knowledge of our heartfelt desires to string us along until the end of time. It’s the part of the narcissistic pathological relationship agenda that lends itself to the fact that there is no boundary that a narcissist will not cross to get what he wants in the moment that he wants it.

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Now, mind you, what I’m talking about here goes far beyond the periodic broken promise because a periodic broken promise can be easily forgiven when followed by a promise kept. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the perpetual broken promise that carries the allusion of a promised future. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. The narcissistic lover will spin us a future via promises containing all the words we want to hear. They’ll spin us a future via mirroring back to us all the things that we want from the relationship. They get us to stay or to come back or to wait for them to come back by faking a future with us that ultimately never happens. Future-faking is so much worse than ordinary lying because it shows how much of a pretender extraordinaire the narcissist really is.

For the first few years of my 13-year relationship, I made it so easy for my ex-boyfriend to future fake that he barely had to say a word – and he knew it. If he even alluded to doing something together in the “future”, I’d ride the fucking wave of hope right up to the shoreline where he’d gleefully slap me off my surfboard. Up until that point, of course, he’d have gotten whatever he wanted which was usually to stroll back in after several weeks of silence (with no repercussions or questions asked) or to have hot sex not after but during a fight or to distract me from catching him in a lie. For all of the above, he had no problem saying whatever it took to get the job done. Eventually, I grew defiant and combative whenever he even mentioned a future event because I knew it would never happen but that didn’t stop him from future-faking because to deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!

Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep us in his queue of narcissistic supply:

  1. Future-faking during the idolize/love-bombing phase to make us think that this person really wants the same things that we do in life. This type of future-faking creates what I call the soulmate effect. Example: “Oh My God, that’s my favorite band too! Look, they’re coming in 4 months. I’ll get us some tickets – that’s a date!” or “You know, from the moment I saw you, I just KNEW we’d be together for a really long time” or “I can’t believe we like ALL the same things. I’ve never had that with anybody. YOU are the one for me.”
  2. Future-faking as a hoovering technique but only when we’ve had enough and have finally gone No Contact. Since a narcissist can typically lure us back with mere crumbs, future-faking is the emergency back-up in his bag of hoovering tricks. Example (by phone) “No, no no…don’t hang up! I wanna get married!” or (by text) “Hey it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s live together” or (in person) “Wait..look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I love you? I want to grow old together.”
  3. Future-faking to end a fight. If, in the middle of a fight, the narcissist feels as if he may be losing, he’ll typically toss out some future-fakery to get you to relinquish control. Example: “Okay, okay..look, can’t we just stop this nonsense and get married or something?”
  4. Future-faking as part of conversation. Narcissists, as we know, thoroughly enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice and consequently will future fake just to keep the conversation going. Example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking that you could really help me start my business. What do ya think? Wanna do it together?” or “Remember when we talked about France awhile back. I think it’s time we started planning for that trip.”
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The idea of writing about future-faking was actually provided to me by a lovely woman who, during a phone consultation, lamented the fact that her narcissistic ex would continually make meaningful plans and then vanish into thin air. Shortly before the final discard, during a peaceful moment, he’d even urged her to start planning for a trip to Paris for the following year – something they had both expressed an interest in doing together over the years. Excited, she went to work, making the plans, researching the details….getting ready for what would undoubtedly be a trip of a life time. The fact that this was his idea and that he appeared excited it gave her hope that he actually meant it…that despite his ridiculous and unexpected silent treatments, he obviously intended to be around for the future, for the TRIP. Unfortunately, this was not to be when, shortly thereafter, over something ridiculous and unrelated, he simply vanished never to be heard from again as if the plans were never made. To her, obviously, this was devastating and hard to wrap her head around. When I labeled his behavior as “future-faking”, she was shocked by the fact that, here again, was another universal behavior so typical of the narcissistic personality that there was actually a term to describe the nonsense. I remember feeling that same shock. It’s the kind of shock that prompts us to review and re-label so many moments from the relationship. It’s the kind of shock that makes us shake our heads in sadness, wondering why the hell we allowed ourselves to stay in the relationship beyond perhaps not the first but – hell – at least the second time that it happened.

Seriously, how many futures need to be faked before we realize that fakery is all it’s ever going to be? When does it become time to reconcile the blame? In my case, the answer to that would have to be thousands or 13-years worth or whatever number the last faked future was before he never came back to me. In all honesty, it took me years to not realize but rather accept that my ex’s ability to future fake was just that – an ability – and that he never ever planned to follow through with anything that took place in a future time beyond, say, the next ten minutes. I had realized plenty before that but coming to a point of acceptance was a whole other thing. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them. Hindsight may be twenty-twenty, my friends, but let’s be grateful that it happens at all. What happens after that is up to us and all we can do is the right thing.

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95 Comments

  • katie

    June 9, 2015 at 10:17 am Reply

    Hello zari,

    I am not sure if you remember me, its been awhile, but just wanted to catch you up with whats been going on, well….the last time i wrote my ex N was with the girl he discarded for me out of nowhere, i was with him for 5 years on and off, i have told u my story, but since then i have heard they broke up numerous times and got back together, well just this past April at the end of the month at 1 am i got a strange text it was a group text giving everyone his new number (cell) i did the right thing and ignored it, well after that i unblocked him on fb just to be nosy, it didnt say he was in a relationship with her anymore but just recently added her back on fb, so that tells me that they were on and off, well after that i just kept moving along and nothing from him since that group text he included me in on. . Dont know why!!
    Well i saw that she put a comment on her wall saying about how funny it is for someone to be jeolous of someone else and then i looked and they were not friends anymore and they were earlier that day so i know it was about him. So a few weeks later i hear he is with this other girl he was friends with plus he was friends with her boyfriend of 12 years, he has her and his pic on fb and i dont know what hapened to her bf of 12 years, my ex wasnt even friends with him on fb after awhile he used to be, and now all of a sudden they are together since early May and they live together yes he is renting his cousins house, which is stupid on his cousins part. But her and the new girl live togerher isnt that quick??? And the timeframe doesn’t add up with the last girl, my cousin told me she ran into him a couple weeks before he texted me in April and he was telling her he makes $70,000 a year and he bought a house, which is total bull crap!! He lies through his teeth, he just wanted it to get back to me so i would reach out to him, which i didnt and then when i didnt i got that text,

    This sucks….i can not believe he is with this new girl amd i think its going so great just like i thought with the last one, but he lives with her, i think she is doing it to get bavk at her ex…my opinion, but really they only been dating not even a month, do you think it wil last??? I would think it would go sour quicker cuz they live together!!!

    HEl P!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      June 29, 2015 at 1:00 pm Reply

      Hi Katie,

      Of course, I remember you, girl! Now, I’m not sure why you’re asking my opinion on this because you’ve got to know what I’m going to say: WHO CARES???? LOLOL Stay away from that FB and all social media where he’s at. And if you don’t BLOCK HIM from being able to text you, these sporadic texts are going to keep popping up and causing you to waste time like they’re doing right now. Whether he was trying to let you know his situation or not, the point is that you’re now stuck on wondering what he’s doing and will it last and why so quickly with this new girl and how the timelines aren’t adding up and what good is knowing the answer to any of it going to do for you??? You end your post with HELP!!! as if something is riding on the answer and I sure hope that it isn’t. In fact, I hope that all has changed since you’ve written and that you’ve come back to your senses! LOL

      Don’t worry about him and BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. It’s the only way. He’s never going to change and better all those girls than you, that’s for sure….

      Stay strong!

      Zari

  • Elizabeth

    April 20, 2015 at 6:00 am Reply

    This was it, this was the final article that I needed to read to go full on NO CONTACT with the narcissist in my life. The story is long, but oh so similar to all of these stories so I’ll get right to the point which finally put me over the edge, and am now NEVER going to speak or see the narc ever again. Since his first discard in December, right before Christmas, I was completely devastated, to a point of hospitalization for non-eating. He disappeared for a month a half, ruining my holiday and feeling so alone and worried sick that he was dead in a gutter somewhere. Oh no, he was sitting on a beach! No worries, not a care in the world because he knew he lived free off me, no job. I really had no idea about his NPD and got myself into therapy and on anxiety meds. Then, he returns as if nothing happened, no explanation. I let him back, by putting up boundries I thought all would be great, he had to follow my rules now and pay up, get a job or get out, Fabulous with promises for two weeks, then back at his evil crazies, gas lighting, secrets with his cell phone, acting as if I’m a roommate and not the person he has supposedly loved for a year. Then comes the vacation “we” planned…..long story, but again, he LEFT me alone on a trip, disappeared and never answered his phone. OMG! I am not a violent person, but I kid you not, if he walked in front of my car, I would have run him over! I called my therapist a wreck, she talked me through this and of course, she had been right all along. BUT, I had NO idea this was called “Future Faking”! The ah ha moment finally came to me last night after reading this. I blocked him every which way, he cannot get ahold of me. He owes me tons of money, including money I loaned him for his daughter’s college tuition, of course, no money to pay me back. I do not care, I’m running so far from this man and NEVER looking back! Thank you for your articles, the “Cell Phone Game” was so him too, I’m sitting here smiling because I finally got it, but I am no longer a victim, I am a super survivor!!

    • Zari Ballard

      April 26, 2015 at 12:31 am Reply

      Hi Elizabeth,

      Wow…please send an update to let me know how you are doing! I am so grateful that the articles were helpful because you certainly sound as if you are well on your way to No Contact success. Never give up – even during the low times. If you can get my book When Love Is a Lie and also Narcissist Free: A Survival Guide for the No Contact Break-Up because the more empowerment the better! Food for your brain that follows the path for recovery is exactly what you need, girlfriend.

      I’d love to know how you’ve fared so far in the days since you’ve written so please keep us updated. I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Amy

    April 1, 2015 at 12:00 pm Reply

    Just want to say I love ya Lady… Zari,, 🙂
    I am spreading the word all over IG. and I am referencing you.
    People will be seeking you out.
    thank you for your kindness when I needed those books the most.
    Every day I strive on.. Big hugs to you and everyone who has dealt with these monsters. I saw you wrote a male version so I am referncing that to those I come across also..
    thank you for helping me see the light. xoxox Amy

    • Zari Ballard

      April 2, 2015 at 2:12 am Reply

      Hi Amy!!

      I love ya too, sister, and I’ll always be cheerleading for you on this end! Survivor bonds can never be broken. Thank you so much for getting the word out…I appreciate you:)

      Zari xo

      • Amy

        April 2, 2015 at 2:19 pm Reply

        Zari,
        i wanted you to know that i returned a box that was mailed to my work. and i didnt open the card or accept it.
        it was tough but something i knew that needed to be done ..its essential. im staying strong always. one day at at ime.. and im all no contact.
        thank you for your support always:)
        xo Amy

        • Zari Ballard

          April 2, 2015 at 9:45 pm Reply

          Hi Amy,

          Good for you, girl! I know that it’s hard but MY GOD you did it and it means everything relevant to you getting better and moving on with your life. One step at a time, one day at time is all we can do but you just took a giant LEAP forward on the game board. Be proud of yourself because returning that box was an amazing accomplishment. It really was:)

          Stay strong and be happy…you deserve it!

          Zari xo

  • Ebbyone

    March 23, 2015 at 7:31 pm Reply

    I hope it is OK that I post here – I am not looking for a response, Zari. It makes me FEEL better by sharing my story in the hopes it can help other women out there and it’s somewhat therapeutic as well.

    I look back at how our ‘relationship’ started and everything just falls into place now. He came after me guns a’ blazing. I was married at the time and even told him in no way, shape or form was I going to even consider having a fling because I wasn’t about to cheat on my husband. N was married too, but was RELENTLESS in his pursuit. He would say things like, “I’m watching you, learning..” Um..yeah..now I see why. Learning how to mimic the emotions I yearned for, learning what to say to demean me, learning what worked to get me right back. I told him things about my past (which were NOT good) as a way to deter him…instead he told me he didn’t care about any of that..but then used those very things against me time and time again as a way to further lower my self-esteem and manage down my expectations. He would scream at me at times about not commanding respect of others (men) yet what he did was the least respectful of all!!

    I’m not sure how many of you have been involved with a married N, but it seems to me that this is the perfect solution for the astounding number of instances of future faking that gets doled out. I left my husband when our affair was discovered and I was divorced within 90 days. For 2 1/2 years all I heard was that we got caught up in the affair quicker than he wanted…that he had planned to leave his W when his youngest graduated– a mere 5 years, but he didn’t expect to fall in love with me so hard. I was given date, after date, after date of when to anticipate him leaving his W. At one point I broke things off because of some other stupid sh*t he said to me that was so bizarre I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I went away that weekend and he BLEW MY PHONE up with almost round the clock texts and calls. He even went so far as to tell me he had admitted to his W that he was in love with me and told her he was moving out on a certain date. When I returned back home,he showed up at my house before work the next day at 5 am…. Part of me thought it was kinda hot..no one had ever fought so hard for me before (which he liked to remind me of over and over again). So I took him back, but not without major reservations. HE was on Cloud 9 of course! Three days later we had a sit-down talk where he went over the “issues” he had with me. They consisted of listing the men he knew I slept with and said that was quite concerning to him. It had NOTHING to do with anything…I never cheated on him or even considered it, but yet this is what he used as his laundry list of issues with me!? WTF truly?? Then he admitted that he hadn’t ACTUALLY told his W he was in love with me and as far as his date for moving out? “Well…really.. where am I SUPPOSED to go?”, he said in his most pathetic voice. “I had to tell you something to get you to talk to me ..but don’t use my date of leaving as a reason you’re back!” I got ticked then (but not too ticked for fear of making HIM upset) and said, “So you lied to me?” He replied, “No, I didn’t LIE…I just didn’t tell you the truth…” I laughed at the time and said, “Yeah..which is basically that you lied”!

    I continually got what I started calling the Cycle of Excuses of why he wasn’t able to leave. It depended on what day it was, but they revolved like this: Finances, his inability to walk out on his teenage boys, his W not cooperating, his job being time consuming, no place to move to, my inability to commit to HIM (yes..I do know how ridiculous that sounds coming from a MARRIED man, but that was said quite often), and on and on.

    He dangled a trip to Disney for two years…mentioned it in conversation when we were getting along or when we weren’t. Told me he almost booked us a trip to NYC because he was THAT SURE that he was going to move out. Yea, that was 2013 and the mother effer is still with his W!!! He kept having me look up houses or condos for him to buy or rent. I did it every time he asked, all the while knowing all I was doing was wasting my time. In 2 1/2 years he looked at ONE house–which of course wasn’t right for him, but I am willing to bet I emailed him the links to at least 60 properties. Towards the end, we drove through a neighborhood by my apartment and he asked someone walking down the street how he liked the area as there was a condo for sale there. The guy said it was very nice. My N COUNTED that 3 second conversation as a time when he “looked for a condo”.

    I wanted to move out of my apartment — I only planned to live there temporarily for like 6 months because I listened to him future fake that he’d be out and on his own in a short time. I even looked at another apartment complex with a garage last summer because I really wanted one before winter and he got ticked at me that I was screwing up his timeline and why would I sign a year lease because that was totally opposite of what we had been talking about!

    First thing I did when we broke up last Sept was look for my own place — I found and bought a condo. When I let him back in my life (albeit more on the perimeter) he was soo proud knowing that I bought one. I thought..well, hell, if I would have stayed with YOU, I’d still be in my apartment — WAITING for you to sh*t or get off the pot, so I don’t CARE that you are proud of me!

    Quite honestly, our roller coaster was pretty consistent of 3-4 days getting along well, 2-3 limited communication or NO communication. He didn’t discard me for weeks ..just days, but it was still ST over and over! I kept a journal of all the craziness and know how many times I was let down, disappointed, put off and thrown bones or carrots to keep me vested. I realized by reading this post and Zari’s books that he had successfully managed down my expectations to spending a WHOPPING 1-2 hours TOPS every week with me! Anything and everything took precedence over me or his leaving. It was a win/win for him! I will say about one year in, things changed for me when I realized his being married was not our MAIN issue for why we weren’t getting along. I knew something was horribly wrong and I felt like sh*t more than I was happy, but the fear of being all alone was what kept me bound to him.

    I too have read Melody Beattie’s Co-Dependent No More and would highly recommend it(along with Zari’s books). I cried over many of the pages because I plainly saw just why I let this man ruin 2 1/2 years of my life. I’m a flaming co-dependent and have been my whole life. I haven’t had one successful relationship..YET…but I know I will have one, but I definitely need time to detox from this man.

    I did pine for my N when we broke up, I cried so many times and just missed him even though I was trying to move on. He even did leave his W about a month after we split, or so he said, but at the time I wasn’t about to give him another chance because I had a taste of freedom and I didn’t want to give it up. Unfortunately, I did backslide at the end of January and let that bastard back in my life, but it was under new rules and boundaries which he didn’t like. He recently discarded me which hadn’t happened before, but when he did that something in me just clicked and I realized I’m over it. Plain and simple. Just like that. I hope the same happens to those of you who have gone NC but still miss your N’s. It WILL happen…just don’t beat yourself up until it does.

    Ok..that’s all I have to say. Thanks for letting me share. 🙂

  • Vani

    March 21, 2015 at 9:13 am Reply

    It’s great I found this website and just knew many victims like me.
    I just wonder why people married narcissists? They couldnt find any problems when they are on dates?
    I just left a narcisstic boyfriend. When I read your articles, they always remind me of the ways he treated me. They were good and bad. When you wrote this book, you did think about him?
    I hope you have a happy life now.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 26, 2015 at 10:58 pm Reply

      Hi Vani,

      Thank you for writing and yes, I do have a happy life now. My purpose in writing the books and creating this blog was to make sure that others have a chance at a happy life as well:) And to answer your question, yes…many many people marry them and what hell that is! You and I are lucky to have dodged that bullet, believe me. Stay strong and stay on the right path. You deserve happiness and getting away from the narc (and staying away) is the only way to find it.

      Zari xo

  • Laurie

    February 5, 2015 at 9:58 pm Reply

    Quick question, can an individual have more than one narcissist in his/her life at a time?? In reading your book and many others on the subject, it seems as if most of my important relationships in life have been with a narcissist. Is this possible or just bad luck on my part? Thank you, Laurie

    • Zari Ballard

      February 8, 2015 at 12:54 am Reply

      Hi Laurie,

      Thank you for writing and WOW what a great question. Having more than one narcissist in your life or continually attracting or being attracted to situations or relationships that involve narcissists is a tough one but there are definitely certain reasons for why it happens and bad luck isn’t one of them. First of all, don’t forget that narcissists are everywhere including in the workplace, at the bar, on a college campus..and you can easily bump into one or two throughout a day and not even know it. The numbers of these jerks – male and female – have reached epidemic proportions. But even with narcissists everywhere, they won’t have any interest in us UNLESS they sense that we are missing one very important thing: the willingness and commitment to setting personal boundaries. Don’t ask me how they know that we are weak in that area…they just do…and they will latch on, hire you, try to become your friend or boyfriend or girlfriend…and we all know what happens after that. Once they latch on, then the narcissist proceeds to manage down our expectations of the situation or relationship so that we expect less and he/she gets away with more. It’s all part of a universal pathological relationship agenda that is adapted accordingly to serve the narcissist’s situation or to produce a desired result. If you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will most likely see yourself on every page. Even though the book is based on my 13-year relationship with a narc, the behaviors and characteristics that I describe as well as the section on creating boundaries and deal-breakers will be very helpful to you.

      You deserve to be happy so please do not allow these creatures to manipulate your reality. Since they are very, very good at what they do (or they wouldn’t be narcissists), we have to take extra care to protect ourselves and boundaries (among other things) are our best defense. I believe my book will open your eyes to this and help you figure it out. It’s never too late to get back on track and start weeding the narcissists OUT of your life so you can live the life that you deserve.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

    • Diane

      March 4, 2015 at 1:55 am Reply

      Dear Laurie and Zari,

      It has now been five months since I first discovered this forum and began what has been an often challenging and extremely painful journey. I too have a lifelong pattern of being drawn to toxic relationships and remaining loyal to maintaining the lie even though it causes me no small amount of pain and anguish.

      As I have said before in these forums, at some point you have to stop looking at what’s wrong with THEM and engage in some serious introspection into yourself.At the end of the day we all have choices. Some of us choose to stay in these soul killing relationships as if love is inherently plainful.

      Through the reading I have been doing here, i eventually found my way to readings on co-dependency and realized that I “enable” these nut cases to do a number on me. I ready Melody Beattie’s classic, Co Dependent No More, and understood that given my upbringing, trying to fix toxic, disordered people is what I was raised to do. I learned this from my mother, a classic narcissist who inherited her emotionally manipulating ways from her early upbringing. I am now attending weekly Co-Dependency Anonymous meetings. It is truly comforting to spend some time each week opening up to people who really get what you are struggling with.

      I want to break the cycle and do the hard work to understand how not to be the door mat for other neurotic, emotional manipulating narcissistic personalities. I am practicing setting boundaries, first with my mother who I have allowed to continue to suck the life force out of me with her childlike neediness. I am setting boundaries at work and being mindful of my tendency to want to please, fix, do for others while neglecting myself. I am consciously learning to detach from relationships that do not serve ME well. I am reminding myself that I have a right to be respected and valued. doing mediations and exercises on healing my wounded inner child.

      Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. I am digging up old memories that are bring up hurts that are so vivid that it is as if the events took place yesterday.

      My mother is really annoyed at me. Told me I was cold. That’s what happens when you stop being someone else’s door mat.

      For those of you who recognize that you have a pattern of forming attachments with narcissists and other people with truly toxic personalities, I urge you to do the difficult and painful inner detective work that will help you discover the source of your addiction to difficult people and their crazy-making behavior. I truly believe I am worthy of being loved and valued by the rational people I keep close to me. Recovering from co-dependency is my ticket to freedom.

      The great thing is that there are many, many resources on the web that can help you understand why you seem to be drawn to people and situations that are emotionally harmful and help you discover how to make smarter choices about who you will let into your life and who you will keep at arm’s length. As I said, the journey is difficult and lonely at first. But rediscovering a healthy sense of who you are and what makes for a healthy relationship is worth the uphill and sometimes arduous climb.

      Dianemarie

      • Zari Ballard

        March 5, 2015 at 8:50 am Reply

        Diane wrote...My mother is really annoyed at me. Told me I was cold. That’s what happens when you stop being someone else’s door mat. So very true…but, as you know, it is unfortunately in this person’s very nature to project her lack of empathy onto your life when it is not serving her in some way. You are absolutely on the right path and, because of this, her true colors will shine bright!

        Hello Diane!

        Okay, so you were reading my mind…you’re on a list sitting right beside me, I was getting ready to check on you. I’m so behind in getting to everyone’s post, it makes me feel so bad:( Thank you for writing and it’s great to hear from you. I’m grateful that you come here to share the steps of the journey because, to all of us, you are an inspiration. And yes, it does get lonely. There’s so much to think about and to work out…and, you’re right, at this point, it often doesn’t even have anything to do with “him”. Our co-dependency indeed comes from within and if we don’t figure it out, it will only rear it’s ugly head again at some point. We get caught up in it and forget to look inward. I know that I am guilty of this myself and your post is very humbling, girlfriend. Please do not be sad….you are doing all the right things and we need your words of wisdom, we really do. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts…I told you when we spoke on the phone and I’ll tell you again, you write beautifully. Please keep those words coming…:)

        Zari xxoo

  • Amy

    February 4, 2015 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Zari,

    Hope you are well.. I have been dealing with lots of things lately.
    Good news, i got a home for my daughter and I. and we will be moving in.
    I havenot yet gone back to him, although he is asking us to come home.
    Im not even telling him we got a new place.
    HOWEVER, he now has a ring for me. He wants to marry me he says.
    The thing is, he is 42. He has never been married, and never lived with anyone longer then myself..
    No. im not justyfying his actions. but its very hard. It is all i wanted in the begining to be happy.
    He is saying he will do anything to fix things. although he never showed for therapy the first time. But literally begging me, to reschedule. Let him show me that he means it.
    Sometimes i almost get caught up, because I actually love him. But i just feel in my gutt that itll only go back in 3 months to how it was. This time married and extra stuck .
    Im staying strong, but its hard. Now he has been contacting my friends, who know better, but to say please let me fix this with Amy. i love her and blah blah.
    I need to stay strong and know in my mind it is an act right? I mean it always goes back.
    I have been reading more on where they hide keys etc.
    I was thinking about back to a few times where he asked me if i moved his keys. and id say no.. to then him saying oh i found them, they were in the garbage.
    Thinking now that this was crazy making tactics. I dont know.
    Im sorry its speratic and all over today. I just dont want to do something stupid.
    I am staying strong. Its been almost 2 months.
    The ring caught me off guard though. Its sad how the person you love actually does things intentionally to make you hurt.

    Thanks for your support:) Big hugs.
    xo Amy

    • Zari Ballard

      February 20, 2015 at 2:37 am Reply

      Dearest Amy,

      Oh dear….so sorry it has taken so long for me to respond. Are you okay? And I know this is going to sound weird but my ex used to hide my keys AND his keys and then act suspicious about what I did with all of them. Once, I “misplaced” my car keys for a whole week right when I started a brand new job. So, on the first day of my new job and for the whole first week, he drove me to and from and made my mornings miserable. I had to gather myself in the parking lot after he screeched out of there on the first day because I had been crying for the whole ride. Every day was like that. Then, on the 7th night of this, he miraculously finds my keys in the sofa (where I had looked a thousand times). I could just tell by the way he was holding them up all excited that he was lying. It was awful. Then, another time, after a fight one night that HE started, he “lost” HIS key – just a single key – to his car and therefore was stranded at my apartment for a few days. It was hell because he was in a particularly evil mood over something he thought I did (don’t even remember what). Then, miraculously, he storms out one day and “just happens” to find the key lying in the dirt in front of his car and he had the nerve to accuse me of tossing it there and then I think he even accused the neighbor of doing it…who knows? So what’s up with the Key Tactic?

      Anyway, I hope and pray you didn’t go back to him. It will never change and the ring and talk of marriage is only future-faking so that he can make sure you never move on. Please send me an update!!!

      Zari xo

      • Amy

        February 24, 2015 at 9:22 pm Reply

        I didnt go back lady. and yes the key thing he did to me. it never made any sense until i think about things in the past. like the one time, it was oh, i found them they were in the garbage. like what??
        he did buy a ring. and i honestly think hed marry me, just so id be extra stuck.
        its hard some days. and of course he was just in the paper for the black list show he is going to be on, and how now all the things he promised me to help at his studio blah blah blah, he put up walls and he promises hell show me and prove it to me, hell do anything. i see through it. i got my own place.. nothing to put in it.. but our onw place. and a car this week. slowly but surely. and im still being harrassed and his mom too. and hes on this new show and hes like look at me look at me. like i want you to be beside me.
        im staying strong. i started talking to others also to attempt to help them as well.
        i will be in touch. xoxoxoxoxoxo

        • Zari Ballard

          March 5, 2015 at 7:58 am Reply

          Amy wrote...I’m staying strong. I started talking to others also to attempt to help them as well.

          How perfect, Amy….paying it forward tells the Universe that not only are well on your way to being healed, but that you are HEALER as well. And only good can come from that! Thank you for that! xxoo

      • Amy

        March 3, 2015 at 3:17 pm Reply

        staying strong.
        got a house. a car . moving on to bigger and better.
        ill never go back to that monster.
        i tell people about you all the time on instagram.
        xoxoxooxox
        xoxoxoxoxo

        • Zari Ballard

          March 5, 2015 at 7:50 am Reply

          Hi Amy!

          Thanks, girlfriend:) It means a lot to me. Keep getting the word out…to let people know that there is a place of support, people who want to listen, who understand the craziness of the story and would never judge. It’s so important to NOT feel alone. And btw, you’ve now reminded me that I really should get an Instagram account – I’m really kinda behind the times when it comes to social media and I need to fix that! LOL

          Look, I’m really proud of you, I hope you know that. I knew from your first post that you were going to be the WINNER in this story – and here you are. Your story is inspirational…it really is because you stuck to it even though he promised and threatened and promised and then threatened some more. It’s pretty frigging amazing and you need to give yourself all the credit. It gets frustrating on this end because I sure wish I could throw a big party for everyone or something. You don’t know how many times I just want to write, “Okay. Hold on. I’m coming over!” I feel so very privileged every time a story is shared here…thank you for being part of it, sister!

          Keep sending the updates…no matter what they are, I’m here to support your recovery. Good or bad, up or down. Count me in!

          Love,
          Zari xxoo

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