Getting Over the Narcissist: A Game of Postpone & Pretend

Dear Zari,
Thought I would check in so you know I am ok.
Nearly 10 months with the new Beau and everything lovely… have 3 more nice trips planned and feel totally loved up and happy.
The Devil made an appearance again in my local pub last week.
I walked him to see him in there on his own trying to talk to my friends…. As much as they were polite, when I walked in they all hugged and kissed me and the attention was taken straight off of him.
He looked quite stupdi actually and he was putting on this fake laugh that I recognise… tyring to look comfortable etc…
If he was in there with other friends then I might have thought nothing of it… but again… the only pub I go in in that area he turns up alone and chats to MY group.
He left shortly after I arrived and I was not bothered at all…. I felt nothing….
My friend messaged me just before I got there to warn me of his presence and months ago I would not have gone in there… this time I though fuck you Devil…. This is my local and my friends… I am not changing my plans for you and I am certainly not going to leave you alone with my group so you can bond with them!
Funny… all my pictures the last 6 months on Face BooK have been of me and my new bloke in different locations around the world…. Nice bars…. Beautiful beaches etc…
All his pictures with his GF are of him and her in her living room or a local pub! Nice to see they are doing SOOOOO many nice new things together!
We both know she gets nothing…… I bet he pays her no rent, never treats her… and let’s face it… they are not going on holiday unless she pays…. If they had gone away you know for a fact that he would have plastered pictures everywhere!
I know the sad life she is living now… and no matter how happy they look in her “living room” in photos… we know what will eventually be.
Love Cat

Reading all the stories has saved my mental health. The sadness so overwhelming and thinking I could fix things. It has made me have such a good look at myself and I realised that I attract these nutters. I have had counselling and god that helped.

Zari,
I need to tell you how thankful I am for your website. I was with a N for four years, even married him in an effort to make him stay, but of course, that didn’t work. I found your website after a discard and as I started reading, I realized the stories could have been mine. I could have saved myself so much pain and anguish if I had just found your website sooner! Everything he had been doing became so transparent and obvious! Fortunately, we were never on the same continent for very long, i was able to start disconnecting myself emotionally after the final discard this past October (our first wedding anniversary). I managed to get him to divorce me since I’m not able to from my location and thought I was finally rid of him and able to move on. But I realized that it was just a holiday discard when he contacted me again after the divorce was final in January. He had gotten religious in the meantime. Can you believe he told me he loved me and that if I just remembered the troubles we had were all my fault we could try again! By this time I had read every article on your website and knew exactly what he was doing. So I played along with his game and when the time was right, I did the final discard! The moment I sent that final email, I felt like a weight was being lifted from me and I have felt incredibly peaceful and calm! I am sure now that I will be able to resist any urge to break the no-contact should he ever try to Hoover me again and I am sure it was because I learned all about him from you. THANK YOU!

I feel so discouraged because nothing is working for me to get this guy out of my head. I’ve been about 4 months nc but he is still the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. He very cruelly and coldly discarded me after 2 1/2 yrs of future faking, stringing along, and flat out lies. He kept me hanging on by telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship “right now” which he knew kept me hoping for a future with him so he could use me as long as he wanted. When he was done, he cut all ties and blocked me without any explanation. Come to find out, he had started the relationship I had been waiting 2 1/2 yrs for with someone else.

I think about being with him and it makes me feel like crying still. I still wake up everyday and think maybe he’ll contact me, maybe he’s tired of the new girl, maybe things will be different, but of course that’s all just wishful thinking.

No contact for me means not stalking him online, not checking his social media profiles or those of his friends or gf. I still struggle with this almost daily, and I feel like I will never get over this and get him out of my head.

In the beginning it was so wonderful, he was so attentive, so into me. He was actually the one who was obsessed with me. Like everyone here knows, the tables turned on me pretty quickly, and by the end he treated me like something to scrape off the bottom of his shoe.

Feeling do down today and just needed to vent 🙁

Zari,
Your books have been a Godsend! I’ve know for years that my husband has a Personality Disorder, and narcassistic tendencies. But, reading what you have been thru, and the other people who have posted on your website just confirms it. We are now divorcing (2nd attempt) after 4 years of marriage. We dated off and on for 9 years and finally married in 2011. Oh the stories I could tell but I was so desparetly in love with this man that I put them away and thru my common sense out the window. He’s still attractive to me and he’s very, very charming!! In April 2013 he filed for divorce w/o me having a clue that was going to happen. He had gotten furious w/me for opening a letter of his I knew was from an ex – fiance’. Of course there was the silent treatement for a few weeks – which I must admit I can play that game now w/him very well. Then one day I get a call a work – he had filed for a divorce and they wanted to serve me! SO, I moved out of HIS house in May and he moved out of state in June for another job. Before he moved he begged, cried and pleaded to give him another chance. He loved me and has always loved me. Well as you can imagine that act didn’t last very long. He quit his job last February 2014 and moved back to in w/me. From Feb – Sept 2014 he wasn’t working, but yet I felt guilty taking his money to pay rent. I just let him pay utilities. We bought a house together in June 2014, and on Jan 26th, 2015 he started divorce proceedings again. His reasoning – HE WANTS TO BE HAPPY! I don’t make him top priority in my life anymore..etc..etc…. I do still harbor a grudge from the past and I don’t trust him. Anway, I have my atty and am ready to proceed. The main thing I want to know and I can’t seem to find any informaiton out there is how to act around him while still living in the same house? Am I friendly – do I ignore him – what’s the best way to let him know that I’m not suffering and I’m actually relieved. I’m ready to move forward. I know that until he finds another victim the chances of him trying to reconnect w/me are very high. I know that I’ll not have closure on this chapter (more like a book) for a while, but that’s okay. I don’t yearn for him like before. I know now 100% that he’ll never change. He says the same about me. If you or anyone can advise me on the smartest way to deal w/him while we are still living together, I would be most grateful.

Zari,

Wow, I so needed this website. I met my now ex-husband in January 2007 online. We chatted on and off until late July 2007, never meeting. My ex told me his name was Jason (it isn’t), gave me a birthday that was one day off from his actual birthday and neglected to tell me he was married. The end of July 2007, my mom was dying from breast cancer and I was in a very vulnerable state. My ex and I began to talk more and more. Two days after my mom lost her battle, we had decided that we would finally meet in person the day after my mom’s funeral. It was at that point that he told me he needed to clear up a few things. He first told me his real name and birthday. Ok, we met online I somewhat understood why he did that. He then told me he had something else, but wanted to email it. I waited for 8 hours and finally got the email. Surprise, he had been married since December 2004! To quote him “but in my heart and head I had been single since April 2005…..I could never forgive her for what she had done.”. Well, I am thinking, “Wow, what did this crazy chick do to him!?!?!?!”. He painted a horrible picture of her, although she didn’t cheat and she wasn’t abusive, she just didn’t support him in the way he felt he needed to be supported. Remember, at this point my mom had just passed away and I was not thinking clearly. The red flags were oblivious to me at that moment!

Our first date was July 31st, he re-located 6 weeks later and moved in with me (he had lived 4 hours away). I had never lived with anyone and was not a “young, stupid person”. I had a career, owned my own home and was a single mom to an amazing 5 year old little girl.

His divorce became final April 2008 and he asked me to marry him in May 2008 (duh! He was my knight in shining armor, why would I say no?). We planned a March 2009 wedding, but SURPRISE, I got pregnant. We married in September 2008 and had our son in March 2009. Two weeks after his birth, my ex found ME a job in another state and applied to that position for me (controlling???). This way we could be closer to his family and it was for the best; although it meant moving from my home town and my family (all about him!) I ultimately got the job and spent my maternity leave packing to move to a new town 7 hours away. We moved when my son was 9 weeks old and I started my new job immediately. My new job was a huge advancement for me and required I obtain a master’s degree, so I started on that in a new town, with a new job, a new baby and was financially supporting our family as he had yet to find work. Yup….I am blind still to what is going on.

Two weeks after we moved I had a breakdown. I was stressed and suffering from post-partum and just really, really tired (um…I don’t know why I would be tired). The ex’s family was visiting us and when he asked me what was for supper I burst into tears and fled to our bedroom. An hour later he walked in and said I was a horrible hostess and his family was never coming back. Never asked me what was wrong, could he do anything, no support. At that point I said we needed counseling, but that didn’t work in his first marriage so it was off the table (again, control). I began existing and not really living at that point. During this time he also adopted my daughter, which I thought was for the best as her biological father did not want anything to do with her and I didn’t want the kids split up if something happened to me.

We moved AGAIN in two years to be even closer to his family. Which was great because I really loved his family, they were great to us and our kids. We had been in our new town for 2 years when one October morning as we are getting ready for work he informs me he wants a divorce. WHAT?!?!? I had no idea what was going on, but I allowed him to tell me for an hour what I had done wrong during our marriage and how this divorce was MY fault. I was reeling, my world was upside down. I begged and pleaded to work things out and things went well for a while. Then the day after Christmas he told me that he was done, divorce was the only option. I relented and gave in. Unknown to me, he had told his family that we were not getting divorced, just separating and because of that they agreed to buy him a house (yes, his family had enabled him, but they are now done). He said that if they bought the house, we could work things out and then when we moved back in together it would be a rental house. Yeah….not quite the truth. He moved out of our home in March and into the home his parent’s had bought him. At that point told me he wanted to keep working on things. Later I will find out he had been seeing someone since the previous November, but his N side wouldn’t let me leave quite yet. We were up and down (always my fault) until the end of June, when we both had been through enough. I filed for divorce in July and three weeks later his “new” girlfriend came into the picture. Immediately he started to blend her family and his together, our kids had no transition time and were confused beyond belief. She believes all that he has told her. I did share my story with her, but he has done a great job of creating an illusion for her.

Post-divorce is when the N side really came out. I discovered all the lies that he had told to our friends, his family and co-workers that we both interacted with. Sad thing is…I still loved him and could still forget/forgive all the horrible things he had done. Oh, I should mention that two months after filing for divorce I discovered he had given me a STD (treatable thank goodness!), but yet again that was my fault. “I am sorry I cheated, but you made me feel so lonely….”, WOW.

After working with a counselor for almost a year now, I have finally uncovered who I think he is. I had heard the term narcissist before, but really had never interacted with one very much (or so I thought). My N cannot take the blame for anything, if you discuss a topic or a truth he doesn’t want to hear you are shut down immediately, anything I have done he had done ten times better, life was his needs, sex was the only way to “connect” to me (and the sex was amazing!). My marriage finally was making sense to me! It wasn’t a marriage, I was just his punching bag in many ways and he was using me for what he needed.

My kids are now unfortunately being pulled into his behavior as he tries to manipulate them. My daughter refused to go on a visit to his house and she was later told “quit playing games with my heart”, “I am so hurt you wouldn’t come”, but he never asked her why she refused to go. My N still plays games with me as well, when he knows I am in a good spot and have really been following the “NO CONTACT” rule (other than kid stuff) he will do something. We are court ordered to see a counselor and as we were walking out a month ago he told me “I still love you and care about you”. Yes, great way to put that barb back in and try to pull me back. I now have asked that he stay at the counselor until I get to my car and can leave.

When I think of him and his GF, I just need to remind myself that even though he tells everyone she is “the one” (like he has said about his previous two wives), he is incapable of love. He is a charismatic pathological liar who lives in a world of lies and delusions. I am still getting over my N and hopefully this game of Post-pone and Pretend will help. It wasn’t until I was “free” that I realized how much self-confidence I had lost, how little worth I felt for myself and how much I didn’t love myself. Recovery is long and hard, but it WILL happen.

It is nice to read articles that affirm my thoughts and feelings; they make me realize I am NOT the bad person in the entire situation, I am NOT the person to put all the blame on and most importantly I am NOT crazy!

Thank you for sharing your experience, it gives me hope that this WILL get better 🙂

~J

Thank you for this post Zari, it speaks directly to me. This past week has been quite the ordeal for me, as I have recently ended my 5 1/2 year relationship in January with my ex-boyfriend. Yesterday, I could barely get enough motivation to do anything and my mind was in a constant state of clutter and confusion. You see, I am very new to discovering about NPD, and I didn’t really become informed until I started googling terms about the things that went on in our relationship. Since then, I have been reading tons and tons of articles and blogs on NPD and BPD. The more and more that I read up on NPD, I believe that my ex may be a narcissist or suffer from npd.

In the beginning, he was so thoughtful, caring, attentive, and even sharing of his own past and aspirations. I learned that growing up he had a rough childhood, his father was never in his life, and his mom constantly moved him and his brother from state to state from the age of five to sixteen, and so he didn’t grow up with any real stability. However, he seemed like a kind and gentle person that was sincere. I really liked him and ultimately ended up falling in love with him. We spoke constantly and hung out all of the time, he not only became my boyfriend but my best friend, I told him everything. However, after the “honeymoon” stage wore off, he started to become a pathological liar, lying about the most trivial things, telling half truths, and withholding information. When I would ask him why he lied, he always had an excuse. Also, the most gut wrenching actions were his silent treatment. The first time it happened, I called him relentlessly, left messages, texts, and he still didn’t respond. I was stressed out, I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. If I said something that he didn’t like, or if he felt like I was “nagging” or “criticizing” him (and I wasn’t), he used that as an excuse to dish out another silent treatment. Soon after, the silent treatments would occur even if we were on “good terms” or for no reason at all.

However, when he felt like being bothered, he would reach out. Initially, I would just accept his calls, tell him how hurt I was by his disrespect, and finally feeling like myself again, I’d get up and do all of the things that I put on hold once he stopped his ignore tactic. It was a toxic cycle that left me emotionally and mentally spent. I can say that after numerous silent treatments that I started to react less and less by not even contacting him, I’d just try to keep myself busy, and not hound him b/c I knew that it would only make me more crazy if I reached out and he didn’t answer. So, whenever he did come back, or, “hoover,” I’d ignore his calls and his text, but then he’d just pop up at my home or job unannounced. It’s like if I didn’t respond, he’d make his presence felt, but if I reached out to him, he’d just ignore me until he felt like being bothered.
Whenever he returned, he would apologize profusely and say, “I just have an F you attitude, I know that I am wrong and I am so sorry, I love you!” He’d cry and beg for my forgiveness and say that he’d treat me better and never act this way again. Also, when he first started doing silent treatments and the crying wouldn’t work, he’d say things like “I don’t want to live anymore” and make suicidal threats, and I would hug him and tell him not to say things like that.

Yet, there have been plenty of times that I have said to him, maybe we should break up. Or, when he’d return from weeks of silent treatment, I’d ask, “Where were you?” “What were you doing for this entire time?” “Who were you with?” “Are you seeing someone else?” “Do you want to see other people?” “Are you unhappy in this relationship with me?”

His response was always the same and he’d say that he wanted to be with me, or that he was at his mother’s house, or trying to earn extra income. When I would press the issue on why he couldn’t at least pick up the phone to see how I am doing, or, just to say hello, he’d always have an excuse. Deep down inside I felt like he was lying but I had no solid proof. This alone started to make me doubt him and trust him even less.

The sad thing is I went from feeling so loved and appreciate by my ex-bf to actually feeling like I loved him more than he ever loved me. During the in between time, we did share good times and have our fun moments. We would hang out and do things, spend quality time together, and just talk and listen to one another. Also, I would constantly bring him around my family and they welcomed him in with open arms. He always felt more comfortable around my family than his own (his words), because his family dynamic is a mess, most of his family members don’t get along with each other, and so, he would always be with me for the holidays. When it came to him looking for work, I helped him with that, I helped him with his resume, I was always encouraging him to do better, and reassuring him that he was smart and could do anything that he desired. As well as, helped him at times with money for his two children from a previous relationship. When he lost his job and had nowhere to live, I let him stay with me for six months, and that’s all because I loved him.

But now, I don’t know if the in between times were real or just a false image of who my ex-boyfriend really is, and it hurts.

The final straw was this January. We were together for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, we had a great time, we celebrated, we talked about our future, and then he left that night to go to work overnight. When I called him the next day, he didn’t answer any of my calls, nor the following days after that, so I finally decided to text. I told him that I was tired of him playing with my emotions and that I was done, from that day forward, I didn’t contact him. Two weeks later, I received a phone call from an unrecognizable number and I answered it, lo and behold it’s him. Come to find out, he was arrested for driving with a suspended license and he says, “I have had a lot of time to think while I’ve been here and I just want to tell you that I am sorry and I know that I was wrong for ignoring you. Please forgive me.” We were only able to speak briefly while he was locked up for two days. After his release, I called him and he didn’t answer, so I decided to check his voicemail (unbeknownst to him) and I heard a message from a female that was left at 6:27am and 6:30am. In the message, she asked him to call her back when he got the chance and she said, “You know the number, so call me.” That stood out to me and the fact that she called so early meant that she knew his work schedule. At that moment, I knew that something wasn’t right and that he more than likely cheating.

Later on that evening, my ex decided to return my call and I acted like everything was normal, I spoke to him for a few and then I finally asked him, “Who is so and so?” Of course he tried to play dumb and act as if he didn’t know who I was referring to and I said, “You know so and so, and I recited her number.” He got quiet and I asked him very calmly, “Why was he cheating on me?” Well, he admitted to cheating and said that he used her and it only happened once. He kept saying, “This doesn’t feel right, this doesn’t feel right, and I am exposed.” He even started to cry and said, “Now you’re never going to be with me again and that he feels like driving his car off of a cliff.” After his admittance, I told him that I couldn’t be with him any longer because he has betrayed me, lied to me, and taken me for granted for far too long. I hung up and decided to really go full on no contact, so, I blocked his number on my cell phone and house phone, as well as all his email accounts. The first two weeks were awful, I felt miserable, betrayed, hurt, and confused. How could I love someone so much and do so much for them, only for them to mistreat me, lie to me, and betray me in the end?

On the third week I finally started to feel a little better about myself as I tired to get some normality back in my life. But, sometimes it seems like the enemy knows when you’re on the road to positivity and tries to knock you back down back into a slump. Well, on February 17th, I received a random text from an unrecognizable number that read, “Hello T, when was the last time that you’ve spoken to or have been with my ex-boyfriend?” I asked, “Who is this?” The person responded and said, “I am his girlfriend and I’d like to talk to you.” Shocked at first, I didn’t know whether or not if I should speak to her, but I felt like I had so many unanswered questions and wanted closure. So, I responded and said, “Okay you can call me.”

As we spoke she told me that she was talking to him since November but that they didn’t become officially a couple until January 2nd (the day after my ex-boyfriend and I hung out on New Year’s), and that he told her that we broke up six months ago (lies). The weirdest thing is that she asked me if I though that he was sociopathic… I said to her that I thought that he did have a personality disorder and possibly it was npd. Also, I told her that my ex-boyfriend told me that he had just met her through a friend in January, and she said that information wasn’t true. As we’re talking, I hear someone in the background say, “We were off and on and we weren’t together for six months!” As soon as I heard those words, I realized that it was my ex boyfriend and that his new girlfriend had me on speaker phone.

I then started to say, “Why are you lying on me?” I brought up how we were together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. I said that he called me when he was locked up and that he told me he loved me, and he said that I was lying. He said that I was crazy, that I thought I was better than him, that his mother didn’t like me, and that I was too critical of him. He was over talking me and devaluing me in front of his new girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it, I was so hurt. I just kept saying, stop lying on me, you will not demean me and devalue me in front of your new girlfriend. But he just kept trying to tarnish my character and I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I said, “You’re mad at me, when your girlfriend contacted me first, if anything you should be mad at her. If you want to be with her fine, just don’t try to devalue me in the process b/c it’s hurtful.” Afterwards, I hung up and I blocked the new girlfriends number as well.

Now, I totally understand the saying, “Curiosity killed the cat!” After hanging up, I felt like I was right back at square one of my recovery. Miserable, hurt, betrayed, confused, sad, depressed, you name it, that’s me. Even though this situation happened almost two weeks ago, I still feel like I am in a slump. Some days are better than others but this past week has really been a trying one for me. I just don’t know what to think or to do.

When I read several of your blog post on NPD and this article on how to overcome the pain, it helps me, but then I don’t know if what I experienced is the act of just an asshole, or someone who suffers from NPD, or someone with a personality disorder. He never was violent to me physically or said verbally nasty things to me but the love bombing, the silent treatments, the devalue and discarding, it all happened. Also, I never got the grandiose feeling like he thought that he was “better than” other people but he was very into how he looked. Could my ex-bf have been considered a covert narcissist? Or, do you think he shows signs of someone with bpd? Either way, I know that I have to move on and keep praying to regain more and more strength each day.

Zari, your blog is so therapeutic and I appreciate you creating a space for people to share their experiences. I appreciate your work! Also, if nothing else, I have learned that I need to work on paying attention to signs and to start working on loving myself more. I do believe that my co-dependency allowed my ex-boyfriend the space to constantly mistreat me and that’s something that I have to continue to work on!