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Getting Over the Narcissist One Small Choice at a Time

get-over-narcissistThe hardest part about leaving a narcissist is the thought that we’re never going to get over it. Even though we’ve been subjected to a zillion silent treatments and disappearances (and survived!), we figure that once it’s really over, we might as well curl up in the fetal position and get comfortable because that’s where we’ll stay for a long while. We imagine months and months of sobbing incessantly, not being able to work, not being able to eat (or eating too much), and certainly not being able to venture outside where a chance encounter with the narcissist and his new “love” could literally kick us over the edge. From our vantage point at the tail end of the relationship, the future after the break-up looks bleak indeed.

So, how do we mentally get ready to make the final break? The answer is really so simple it’s ridiculous. We start by making a series of small choices and re-train our fucking brain. During the relationship, our co-dependency creates the illusion of there only ever being one big painful choice we can make – the choice to end it or accept that it’s over – but this isn’t true. There are actually a whole bunch of little choices – like stepping stones –  to be made prior to the big one and we all but ignore them. This is crazy because once you get the hang of making small but right choices, you’ll wonder why you waited so long to get on with it.

If there’s one thing consistent about our time with an N, it’s the fact that chaos is involved in every little thing. Make no mistake about it – this is by design. A narcissist will manipulate and distract us so that we are always on the edge of our seat…so that we don’t make the right choices. This is his job in the relationship. In other words, even though we have the capability to make choices, we are, over time, reduced to bundles of conditioned reflexes that are constantly triggered into predictable behaviors.

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In my first book When Love Is a Lie, I describe a pivotal moment towards the end of the relationship where, for the first time in years, I actually made a rational choice about my own behavior and it absolutely changed my trajectory in the relationship. Here’s that passage:

“Over time, by making a conscious effort to change my thought process, I felt things starting to shift in my favor. Now, I never knew exactly how (or even when) things would shift but I would, every once in a while, just know that they had because certain frenetic behaviors of mine would simply stop. For example, for a good part of twelve years, whenever subjected to a silent treatment or unexpected dismissal by the narcissist, I would feel compelled to take to the streets in the wee hours of the morning, five-page letter in hand and butterflies in my stomach, hoping to either catch him in the act of something or at least connect (albeit by proxy…the letter). Over the years, I must have written nearly a thousand letters to the N – all heart-felt pleas for peace, begging him, in desperation, to change his ways, end the silent treatment, and come back to the fold. Sometimes this tactic worked, sometimes it didn’t, but the writing and re-writing, always trying to get the words just right, exhausted me every time. Then came the drive across town and the nerve-wracking moments of tip-toeing to the apartment door to attach the letter, my heart pounding out of my chest. Sometimes he’d be home, sometimes he’d be out, but it mattered not because the anxiety was the same. Minutes later, as I made my way home, then and only then, did I feel the huge wave of relief that made it all worthwhile….the feeling that I’d connected and that perhaps he’d respond and the silence would end. Up until that point, I’d feel absolutely consumed….

…..Then, one night, on my way out the door with letter and keys in hand, I felt a sudden and unexpected shifting in my mindset…kind of like an earthquake shaking loose the petrified pieces of my common sense. For the first time in years, I looked at the clock, thought about how tired I felt, how late I’d get back, and about all of the anxiety-filled miles between my front door and his and simply didn’t go. My heart-heavy weariness and my common sense finally became bigger than the urge to chase the N and participate in the game. I knew, in that split second, that my nightly ritual of driving across town in the middle of the night during a silent treatment was over…that at least my participation in that part of the manipulation had ended…Somehow, by the grace of God, I had been granted a semblance of control within the chaos and I relaxed that night for the first time in years.”

I could have made that simple choice – to not go – any one of the hundreds of times that I made that anxiety-ridden drive and I didn’t do it. If I had, I could have saved myself years of misery. Sure, there had been times when I considered not going but I somehow thought that the anxiety of not going would be worse than the anxiety I felt on the drive over. I was counting on the relief I’d feel after the trip – a relief that was fleeting at best! On that pivotal night, when I did make the right choice, I could have never imagined just how right it truly was. It was so right that I never made that drive again or wrote another tear-stained letter…after over a decade of doing it! The relationship itself hung on for two more years but the driving and the writing – my desperation rituals – ended and, believe me, he noticed it.

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That little choice became a turning point because it proved, without a doubt, that making the right decision wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Something clicked. So, from that moment forward, here and there, I started making the right choices about the little things and it became easier and easier. Did the narcissist approve? Hell no! He, of course, accused me of not loving him like I used to and not caring – you know, all those things that he always accused me of. Look, if you’re going to get treated a certain way no matter what choices you make then at least make the choices that ultimately are more beneficial to you.

For instance, my ex loved the Cell Phone Game and played it every chance he could get. One of the most maddening rules of this game was that, although he never had to answer his phone (or even have one!), I had better answer mine or risk never hearing from him again. If my phone happened to be in another room and it started to ring, I would literally trip over myself (and everybody else) to get to it. If I was somewhere talking to someone and the phone began vibrating in my purse, I would literally lose my complete train of thought until I answered it or got back to him. Then, one random day, I made a choice – albeit a small one – to not behave like that anymore…to chill out and act normal. While that might seem like a no-brainer to most, for me it was a major accomplishment. Now, if the phone rang and it was convenient to talk, I did. If not, oh well! The first time I tried the new plan, allowing the phone to ring while I calmly cooked dinner, my son came flying out of his room with a panicked look on his face. I knew right then I’d made the right choice – no more.

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Even something as ordinary as choosing to lock my own front door became empowering. Over thirteen years, I avoided ever having to give him a key by simply leaving my front door unlocked whenever I knew he was on his way. The fact that his front door was always bolted tight didn’t matter; he fully expected mine to be unlocked day and night “just in case” and became infuriated when it wasn’t. If he came by and found it locked, he’d pound on it and then demand to know why I had locked it. The only times he ever felt obligated to knock, whether it was locked or not, were the moments he’d appear unannounced after a long silent treatment. Once I let him in, though, he never knocked again until the next reappearance. One night, I’d had enough. I made a choice to lock it all the time whether he liked it or not. After all, it was my apartment and my fucking front door! Since he also liked to tip-toe down the hall and startle me, locking the door allowed me to relax and gave me back control.

Mentally breaking free from the narcissist can start before you ever leave his ass and, in fact, it must! It can start with just a few small, empowering choices. If you don’t feel like having sex but you worry that he’ll leave if you don’t, choose to say no! Just do it. What’s the worst that can happen…he’ll leave like he’s left a thousand times before? So what! Take that chance. If he hates your friends but you miss them terribly, make a plan to go out with the girls every Wednesday and stick to it. The next time that he vanishes for no reason and blocks his phone, choose NOT to go looking for him. Just don’t. Appreciate the silence, In fact, make every day Silence Appreciation Day while he’s gone and get on with things. Again, what’s the worst that can happen? A silent treatment is a silent treatment. Might as well make the best of it!

Even when the narcissist is causing chaos and manipulating your life, you still have the power to make choices. I can tell you, without hesitation, that after that first little choice to not drive across town with that letter, I couldn’t stop making them every chance I got. By the time it was over, when he kissed me good-by after great sex and a nice day together and never came back, I was ready for it. It’s been almost three years since that day and I’ve shed about three tears. Does that mean it wasn’t sad and still isn’t sad sometimes? No, of course not. But it does mean that I took control, one choice at a time, over how I reacted to his awful narcissistic behaviors and the payoff was, for all intents and purposes, a tear-free good-by.

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77 Comments

  • donna

    October 19, 2015 at 7:59 am Reply

    Hi zari your books have been so helpful to me in understanding the narcs pathological agenda an how they still want to keep you hooked even though they have discarded and abandoned us. My ex narc has now gone bk to the states as he called my mom’s phone off an international number and then txt and called me via WhatsApp as soon as I recognised it was him I blocked the number. My daughter really misses him whenever she’s sees a man that looks similar to him she starts calling his name this breaks my heart because he has no love for her whatsoever. I know he’s gonna request to speak to my daughter but this is doing nothing for her than hurting her pycologically. Visitation cannot be put in place as he’s in the states. Not sure what to do.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 25, 2015 at 2:36 am Reply

      Hi Donna,

      I’m sorry he is still messing with your life, girl, but it truly doesn’t have to be this way. Out of love for you, sister, I’ve gotta put some things in perspective here. First of all, I know that you believe that your daughter really “misses” her dad but, realistically, she’s only two years old. Please look at this logically. The fact that she mistakes other men for her dad – while it’s certainly sad while it’s happening – just tells me that she’s still at that stage where she can’t differentiate between who’s who. It’s proof that she hasn’t actually made a connection with dad “that can never be broken”. I mean, how often does this really happen? I imagine that not every man out there looks like her father, right?? Of course not. She’s two. This is what two-year olds do. I guarantee that (on the rare occasions) she’s out with her dad, she spends plenty of time pointing at random women throughout the day, calling out “Mommy!” My son did it all the time ABOUT ME even when I was standing there every time he saw a lady with a tattoo or blond hair. And with my ex-asshole husband being in the military, I had to deal with him calling out “Daddy!” every time we passed a guy in an Army uniform. Living just a mile from the base, they were everywhere! Unfortunately, this is the stuff of ALL break-ups and divorces when kids are involved. Even if your daughter never saw her dad again from today forward, she’d still grow up to be a perfectly awesome person (just like her mom). So, the next time she points at some random guy on the street and calls out “daddy”, don’t you dare shed a tear! LOL

      Now, all that being said, you say you’re not sure what to do but, honestly, there is PLENTY you can do and none of it has to do with visitation….it has to do with money! I know we’ve talked about it before but, even if he’s not working and all they can get for you is $20/month, it’s about getting him in the system so that if and when he makes more, they’ll automatically take it. My son’s dad tried EVERYTHING to get out of paying for ten long years , always working under the table, flying under the radar…but the point was that he was in the system. One day, out of the clear blue, Child Support froze his AND his girlfriend’s (now his wife) bank accounts (because they were living together) and sent me a check for $30,000!!! He had been hiding that money in both accounts and they finally found it. If he’s living in the states, the US will work with your agency to see that both databases connect. You can’t decide that $20 is an insult and just not do it, Donna. So, I went looking for information and found this excellent FAQ section of the website for International Child Support Services. There’s all kinds of info on that site that you maybe already know but there is a lot of info about how countries are working together and how you can at least get it started. Once you do it. then you don’t have to even think about it.

      Meanwhile, relative to visitation, you have two choices in your current situation: 1) You can change your number, move, or block him completely from EVERYTHING and REFUSE to let him or his family see or talk to your daughter, OR 2) you can get on with life and just deal with him whenever he flies in to cause trouble (which I imagine isn’t every week). If he shows up on the property yelling, call the police. If you’re daughter happens to be there, so be it. She will get over the trauma, believe me. Kids are super resilient. YOU need to take control here and stand your ground. YOU have physical custody and if that’s not legal yet, IT NEEDS TO BE. Having physical custody has nothing to do with visitation. If HE wants visitation legally, let HIM deal with it. Whether or not he sees her is up to YOU not him. And even if you do decide to let him see her whenever he pops in or talk to her on those rare times that he calls, none of that is hurting her psychologically unless he is verbally abusing her on the phone. She’s too young to even differentiate between a good dad and a bad one. For all she knows, this is just the way life is. As long as you control your reactions to his behavior, she’ll be none the wiser. In other words, as moms, if we act perfectly calm and happy (around the kids) when the asshole ex calls or comes to pick them up, the kid only knows that it’s all good. If, say, the dad makes a promise and breaks it, a two-year old only knows it’s sad because mommy gets mad. Otherwise, she’d be just as good if mommy came up with something to do to make up for it. I’m not saying this is easy…I had a horrific divorce involving, among other things, custody battles, restraining orders, and a planned parental kidnapping of my son by my ex that I discovered (and thwarted) just fifteen minutes prior resulting in a showdown at the airport between him, me, and the police. When he finally moved across the country, it was a relief. Although it was a ten year battle to get child support before the big pay out, I could handle phone calls and periodic pop-ins as long as I knew he didn’t live around the corner! And my son, as traumatic as it was for him, survived it due, in large part, to the fact that I made a conscious effort to dial my reactions back. I certainly knew his dad wouldn’t. He didn’t care WHAT he said or did in front of his son. I realized I had to create the environment I knew was appropriate for a toddler. I know that you can do this. It’s time to take charge. Fuck him and his new family! Make things legal – fight for it. It takes work but the potential outcome of possibly money but definitely structure is well worth it.

      Stay strong and I’m always here to support you! I say it like I see it but only because I care. You deserve to be happy, Donna, but you’ve got to get the ball rolling:)

      Zari xo

      • donna

        October 30, 2015 at 3:47 pm Reply

        Thanks zari I will defo will look into doing that. My dad preaches at a local church he’s asked me many of times to come and watch him but I have refused on many times because one of my dad’s church sisters has been secretly talking to and supporting my ex narc. I found out about thisz last year when she sent him a supportive message. I see her as a flying monkey and she will go bk and tell him how I appeared how my daughter looking and so on. Not sure whether to avoid going there or go and not care whether messages go bk or not I would prefer he knew nothing at all but also have to live my life

        • Zari Ballard

          November 11, 2015 at 8:21 pm Reply

          Hi Donna,

          No, you can’t be afraid to live your life BUT – at the same time – you don’t need to be made to feel uncomfortable by a “church” sister. And why are you worried about what she will tell the narc? If and when you go, look your rockin’ best, girl, and dress your daughter up too! Fake it till you make it! CONTROL the messages that get back as best that you can. And, if this is all too much, go to another church where you can be at peace.

          Just BE HAPPY. You can’t control what he does, Donna, but you can definitely control your reaction to it.

          Stay strong!

          Zari xo

          • donna

            December 5, 2015 at 5:52 pm

            My ex narc has re appeared looks like he only spent a few weeks in the states compared to what he normally does. Hes definantly out to DESTROY me he purchased a new car I think he been stalking me last Thursday he just appeared out of no where then suddenly started to trail my car. When I noticed I pulled over stunned to realise it was him he asked to see his daughter through the car windows which I replied no too. Then I drive off. That same day he showed up at my property knocked then put a letter through the letter box stains he wanted to c his daughter. On the Monday he showed up at my adress knocked the door then I didn’t answear he sat and waited out the house 4 two hours. At which I had to call my mom to get him away he had no interaction with me or my daughter at all and had to end up leaving. I noted all this to the police they are unable to allow me to take up an injunction b cause he wasn’t physically and verbally abusive. They said they can’t prevent him from coming to see his daughter. They advised me to get a child contact order. Supervised visits at a centre.
            The worst thing has happened I’ve just found out that he has made contact with my auntie who adores him I think she will end up sleeping with him. He creating a hate compaign with her and a few other of my family members against me and my dad. He’s playing the victim accusing us of not allowing him 2 c he’s daughter. How best do I deal with this I knew my aunt was capable of this as previously I used to avoid him from coming to family does . And that’s all they use to talk about how great he is.
            So much chaos has happened today I stopped at my mom’s house last night thinking that he would avoid showing up there. However I was wrong earlier he was phoning constantly and texting. Disguising he’s behaviour as wanting to see his daughter then he text that he loved me and wanted to marry me. How stupid does he think i am. After no reply from me he decided to show up at my mom’s my car was parked outside when my daughter realised it was him she ran up to the door so my mom aloud him to see her he decided to take her in his car then when it was time for her to come back in he wouldn’t allow it. I called the police at this time then I went outside to get my daughter he twisted my arm around to try to prevent me from holding her shortly after this the police had arrived we both took statements me first then him after he totally twisted everything making himself look like the victim he must of made a cut on his hand and said I done it can’t believe this they couldn’t arrest him because of what he said. Hopefully I can take an injunction out on him they gave me a reference number and gave me a domestic violence number helpline. I’m trying to sort getting supervised visits in place at a centre when he wants to see her but scared he’s so good a manipulation and thats what he will do and I won’t be there to hear anything what he says to her

          • Zari Ballard

            December 6, 2015 at 2:44 am

            Hi Donna,

            Wow…this just never gets better, does it? Again, why don’t you have a court order for child support and custody??? With a court order for visitation, it solves almost everything. You NEED something that says that YOU have PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY. At this point, he could take her if he wanted to and there wouldn’t be anything you could do. My son’s dad and I had a bitter, bitter divorce and I had primary custody and he STILL tried to steal him away to Oregon on his visitation weekend. I caught on at the last minute – realized what was up – and raced to the airport, making such a scene all by myself waiting for my ex to show up with my son (who was just two yrs old then) that I attracted all the security people…fine with me! Eventually the cops showed up, swarming my ex when he did show up, and making him miss his plane. I just walked up and took my son right out of his arms. He was so pissed! So, they will try anything, Donna. You have to have SOMETHING …a document of some kind…to prove that you have control over that little girl.

            And I can’t believe the police won’t give you a no contact order. In the states, if an ex doesn’t like the frigging tone of an email you send them, they can get an order and it’s good for a year. I swear to God. I don’t know what else to tell you. He intimidates you, obviously, and he’s just a bully. My son’s dad – same way. Wish I’d known then what I know now.

            I wish you could just disappear, change your number, so he couldn’t find you. Why is he so angry with YOU if he left you and the baby for another woman in the states? I know narcissists are pricks but this guy’s particular vindictiveness is so over the top that it’s kind of odd to me. He seems hell bent on terrorizing you but what does he say that he wants? Maybe you could elaborate there.

            Zari xo

          • donna

            December 6, 2015 at 4:20 am

            Hi zari thanks for your reply it’s well appreciated. When he appeared at my door he stated for the letter box that he wanted to see his daughter. He wrote 2 letters then posted them through the letter box also. These were in aid to manipulate me into thinking I was the one in the wrong. He wrote that all he wanted to do was be a part of his daughters life I shouldn’t stop this if I loved my daughter I wouldn’t be getting in between them he said he wanted to do some hristmas shopping with her and so on. But yesterday he txt from a different number stating he wanted to c his daughter at the begging then totally switched it into being in love with me and wanting to make plans 4 the future to marry me. How condescending and bizarre is that.

            I also mentioned in the post above that he has my family members siding with him. And my aunt who’s head over heels over him shes obsessed to the point that I know she will sleep with him.

          • Zari Ballard

            December 21, 2015 at 11:28 pm

            Hi Donna,

            I have to ask…what is this “letter box” you speak of in every single post? Do you mean one of those flip up metal mail slots in the middle of your front door that the mailman drops letters through so that they fall inside your house? You say “he stated for the letter box” and then “he posted them through the letter box” and I picture him coming up to your front door, bending down, flipping up the metal part and yelling at you through it. Is that really what you mean? If it is, why don’t you just go to the post office and get a P.O. Box for your mail delivery and then BUY A NEW DOOR WITHOUT A MAIL SLOT or BOARD UP THE SLOT YOU’VE GOT SO THAT WHEN HE LIFTS UP THE SLOT he can’t yell in. Please clarify that for me. I could be completely wrong but you mention it every single time and I have to know.

            As for your aunt, if she sleeps with him, she’s a just a slut. Don’t worry about that…at this point, better her then you, girl! He is the creep from hell. My God!

            Zari xo

            Zari xo

  • Sana

    October 18, 2015 at 1:42 pm Reply

    Hi Zari’s. I am a 30 year old widow….was in a relationship with a person for 2 months……he was very smart, educated, welathy and single……..but have had 2 previous relationships in which both the girls refused him according to him…he was one of my aunties friend….when my aunty spoke to him regarding me he said yes he would talk to me and said i want a perfect girl…..when we started talking he was very nice…….he praised me….said i am perfect for him….gave me so much of time and importance……..though we were in different countries and haven’t seen each other yet he committed to me……….he always said i won’t find a guy like him……he have worked so hard to achieve all this……he have expenseive watches……i do shopping from london…….my family is the best……….we go on tours very often…..very proud of his looks and body……always brag about how good he and his family is………after 3 weeks i started finding changes in him…….he gets irritaed with me and yells at meon minor things like if i ask”are you tired”……started avoiding me……was controlling the relationship in a way that we would talk when he have time….and whatever he wants to talk about………..he would say he is the boss…….doesn’t show interest if I ask him to skpye or for any other thing………when cannot call me makes excuses like i forgot my phone somewhere……..one day i teased him that i saw someone who was really very nice……..he abused me, yelled at me, compared this situation to his previous relationship and hung up…….i apologized but still he called and said i accepeted you even though you have a past…..and yelled at me……..then he was just sending me one or two messages each day….then he stopped texting me and gave me a silent behavior for one month….i begged him even then he didn’t responded………then i texted him and broke up with him…….he said he would call me after two days and give me a reply……I said i don’t want to talk to you anymore….he replied he gave me love and respect and I ruined everything…..then called my aunty and said bad things about me………I still love him and wish he would come back……if he comes back….should I accepthim or not?

  • donna

    October 18, 2015 at 12:40 pm Reply

    Hi zari your books have been so helpful to me in understanding the narcs pathology and their agenda to still keep you in the queue for supply even when they have discarded and abandoned you. These past few weeks everything has hit me so hard I get so emotional when I know my daughters missing her dad and he has no feelings of love towards her. She was going through a stage when she kept mentioning his name it brought me to tears. She’s so young and doesn’t know what’s going on. A lot of people around me do not see what I went through with him was abuse. And that hurts me. I feel so alone. He’s gone bk to the states now as there was a missed call on my mom’s phone from a international call. He txt me yesterday from this number I didn’t recognise asking what size clothes the baby wears and to give her a kiss from him. I deleted it right way and blocked him calling. He went bk and didn’t even bother to say bye to her. Not sure how best to deal with this most likely in a few days he will get his mom to call like he always does. I don’t want him to have any contact with my daughter when he’s there’s because it’s only messing with her head speaking to him on the phone she not getting anything other than pain through this

  • Boppy

    October 17, 2015 at 11:55 pm Reply

    Hi, I commented on your site about a year ago, and also bought two of your books – which were on the hard drive of my computer that died! Anyway, shame to myself that it is, when I first commented I was leaving the sociopath/narcissist/turd/bpd/dramalord/whatever he is, and I went back. Then I tried to actually move to another country, partly to get away from him. When I decided there’s no place like home and came back to the mother country, I lasted three whole days before ringing him. He was charged with anal rape while I was overseas by the woman that he had slept around on me with, then she dropped the charges. I only found out about this because I was at his house one day when two female detectives turned up. They said they couldn’t tell me as it was a legal matter, but I guessed, and since he’d anal raped me about two months into it – I don’t mean he “slipped it in” in a moment of passion – I mean he was brutal and sadistic and I had to ask him to stop, which he did, saying, so what am I supposed to do now? Have a wank? while he looked at me with disgust, then tenderly kneeled next to me as I sat on the toilet and let the blood drip out of my arse!!!! Hellooo!!! Confusion, anyone!!! Bastard/tender/bastard/tender…. Anyway, long story short, I managed to pry it out of him that she’d charged him with anal rape and, of course, she was lying, as, get this, she wanted to get me out of his life. I was overseas at the time. Anyhoo!!!! (Can you feel the rage?) I have moved towns again. This is it, I know I’m not going back. I suspect he is also compulsively sexually attracted to children, and I really, really didn’t want that to be true, obviously, so I’ve suspended judgement. I never had any “proof”, it was just a feeling and I also heard a rumour.
    He love bombed me this time when I left, not something he’s really done in the past. Lovebomb, lovebomb, lovebomb, until today, when he did the cold as ice thing and “accidently” texted, “stay the night”. I’m a 10 hour bus ride away from him. He texted this at 6pm. Oh, right. I’ve been gone about 8 days, so, yes, he will need sexual servicing well and truly and is probably back romancing the woman who dropped the charges, which is certainly not something I hold against her in any way. He’s demonic. His powers are strange. Or seducing prostitutes, his other preferred source of ready lovin’. I just had to get this out of my system and I know you get the drama. Horrible!!! Hate this person!!
    I had a brief triumph over his darkness before I left – I emptied the contents of his feather duvet throughout the house and gutted a cooked chicken over the mattress. I still went back. Found him vaccuuming all the little feathers up like the most martyrd human being of all time. Look what I had done to him. He wrapped up the chicken and put it in the fridge. I hope he got the shits.
    Thank you for this website, Zari. So, so good, to vent.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 24, 2015 at 6:38 pm Reply

      Hi Boppy,

      Thank you so much for sharing and I hope he gets the shits too! As soon as I am finished with this message, I’m going to send you the PDF versions of all three of my books so that you take a refresher. I am so sorry this has happened to you and the more you have to read and empower you the better. I will send them to the email that you used to post this message.

      By the way, your suspicions about his attraction to children was more than likely spot-on. So many of us here – myself included – have all had various intuitive feelings or heard gossip or whatever as to the even MORE deviant sexual side of these guys. The bottom is line is that they have NO preference at all – they will simply fuck anyone! When you have no conscience or moral compass, it just doesn’t matter.

      Stay strong and I apologize for the delay in writing. Please check your email for the books. I will send them right now!!

      Zari xo

      • Boppy

        October 25, 2015 at 12:25 am Reply

        Hi Zari,
        Thank you for your reply and the books via email. They’re downloaded!
        It’s good to read the message I wrote you again, just to get a check on what this person does to my equilibrium. You get away for a week and start to equalize, things don’t seem so bad, etc, etc, you get lonely….he starts playing Mr Softy on the texts….
        No. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it could understand that it’s not like getting back with/away from the decent human being that you’re having some troubles with. It’s like breaking out of a cult.
        I seem to be a little obsessed with the phrase “anal rape” in that comment. Sorry bout that! Yell it from the rooftops!
        Thank you, it’s a true service you’re doing. I never thought this would happen to me, so trite, so damn true!
        Cheers, “Boppy”

        • Zari Ballard

          October 28, 2015 at 9:59 pm Reply

          Boppy wrote...I seem to be a little obsessed with the phrase “anal rape” in (my previous) comment. Sorry bout that! Yell it from the rooftops!

          Now, that’s funny! LOL

          Boppy, I laughed right out loud when I read that. Yes, girl, yell it from the fucking rooftops!!! When you gotta get it out, you gotta get it out. I don’t care how loud you yell it or how many times…it’s fine by me. We’re in this together!

          Zari xo

  • Deanna

    October 4, 2015 at 11:41 am Reply

    Good afternoon Zari this is Deanna here. Just purchased Stop Spinning Start Breathing and about to get my read on.

    Thank you for the website and I come here often because the battle for me is almost over. I cut ties in 2014 only to have the incident happen to me before my birthday a few days ago. I know that was to fuck with my head but you know what it only made me stronger because the N is a heartless animal that reaks havoc and trying to make sure we never have happiness. I will not lie because I did shed some tears and my self motivation kicked back in and I told myself after 17 years of hell you will be and I am going to be ok. Because I know the in that was in my life is The Devilon earth. In others words pure evil.

    Until next time Zari hope your day is peaceful and pleasant looking forward to more of your articles because you are always on point.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 17, 2015 at 3:01 am Reply

      Hi Deanna,

      Hope you’re doing well and working on the workbook! Don’t let the narcissist mess with you – he’s taken way too many years from your life as it is. What we allow, will continue and we both know the N will fuck with us until the end of time if we allow it. You’re going to be fine, sister. Stay strong and stay focused!

      Sending hugs across the miles….

      Zari xo

      • Deanna

        October 25, 2015 at 9:28 am Reply

        Thank you Zari yest the N did take a lot of years of valuable time 17 to b exact. I completed the workbook and did everything that you book said to do. I went back and read the questions and my answers. These badlands never give up. Just recently he made every attempt to get at me and made sure that I knew he has a 38 year old in his life but et this he wanted me to be his also. FUCK that sorry I had to get that out.

        What the hell Zari is that about I have been bothered almost every single day by this sadistic Narcissist he’s crazy really he is. Zari I have so much to say but not wasting my breath. He humiliates me I wish I could take this sadistic asshole off the face of the earth. He is such an asshole bragging to everyone and had the nerve to get my new number but I’m sick of him he is hovering bragging taurine me in texts and gave the 38 year oldy number its back out there now so changing it again she had the nerve to text me and told.me she wanted to meet me he has told her souch about ME and she respects me cause I was with he 17 years FOR REAL!!!! Zari I’m about to lose it i have been minding my on damm business been gone since November 2014 why is he continuing to fuck withe since he so happy with the new supply why is he doing this wanted three in a relationship I’m tired Zari I tell you never ends. Just had to let you know I am still going through this shit. I’m staying strong he will NEVER use me or get the opportunity to have me again true Narcissist he is but he wants 38 year old who is perfect and now hovering around me again. I can’t wait to see what you have to say about this perverted asshole!!!

        Staying strong always

        Deanna

        • Zari Ballard

          October 27, 2015 at 8:20 pm Reply

          Hi Deanna,

          Yes, this guy is a complete asshole. It’s that false sense of entitlement thing – he’s simply entitled to do anything he wants. And you know what? If this woman texted you and wants to “chat” about those 17-years, thinking this guy is so wonderful, FUCK IT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO IT. If the thought of meeting her turns your stomach, maybe you oughta send her a nice long text, or ask for her email and write away. Be sure to begin any written communication with this sentence “This letter/email/text is to replace the meeting that you requested in your text message…” just so if it should ever come back on you, it’s obvious that it was her request. I swear to God, to have given her the number takes major balls! He must think actually think you would give him rave reviews! Oh wow….she asked for it and I think she should get it. That’s so bad and probably against all my own rules BUT SHE REQUESTED IT! Give her so many details from the 17-years of hell that she throws up.

          Deanna, I don’t know if it’s possible for you, but at some point, please consider booking a consultation...even if for just an hour…so maybe we can chat through some of this bullshit. Sometimes we need someone else to help us put a bad situation in it’s proper perspective. It’s just a thought. You’d be surprised how empowering just one phone call can be when you’re speaking with someone who knows whats up and who the monster really is. I feel that you’re at an emotional peak from which you can’t quite get down. He’s just going to keep hoovering and hounding and hurting for as long as you allow it. Someone there has to be a way out of the madness and maybe we could figure it out together.

          Anyway, HE’S A DOUCHBAG! It’s all he’ll ever be. But I’m telling you…if this new chick wants to hear about your 17-years of bliss then maybe you just oughta tell her IN HIGH-DEFINITION COLOR so that all the gore really stands out. I mean, it would be the polite thing to do seein’ as they’re getting married and all….ha-ha!

          Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

          • Deanna

            November 5, 2015 at 10:50 pm

            Hi Zari,

            Thank you for the comments I really needed to hear what you said. I have been dealing with this asshole but like you said if I continue to let him fuck with me and my head he will. I can truly say this my LAST RODEO withe the devil himself the NARCISSIST!

            You are right I am at that emotional peak and I refuse to continue to feed into this shit. Now that he has supposedly started over again good for him. I am tired of the bullshit and it’s a wrap. I have made extra sure he cannot contact me by cell or email and I don’t do Facebook at all.

            Hopefully in the near future to do a consultation and talk this Narcissist sadistic ways. I never want to have this shit or anyone like it in my life again.

            Deanna

          • Zari Ballard

            November 11, 2015 at 8:43 pm

            Right on, Deanna! I have faith that you’re going to do just fine. And whenever you ready, I’m here to talk to you. Consultations are ALWAYS a positive experience on both sides and you will come away from the phone call with a clearer picture of what the fuck just happened:)

            Sending you hugs!
            Zari xo

  • katie

    September 29, 2015 at 7:34 pm Reply

    Hello Zari,

    After 2 months NC initiated by the N, we saw each other today for first time. It left me full of emotions and they were wild and extreme. He noticed me before I noticed him. Luckily I was in my car but he recognized it instantly, and I saw this person staring at me from a distance! It wasn’t until he walked through the crosswalk that I realized who it was, and after purposely avoiding my birthday, running into my MOTHER (hugging her, talking to her and asking how she is as if she was clueless of what he’s done to me), and completely throwing me to the dirt, he had the AUDACITY to send a friendly “wave” my way, as if everything is fine and okay and nothing has been wrong. AHHHHH! I’ve been doing okay but also have been struggling so deeply hard with recovering from this!!!! It made me annoyed, angry, sad, happy all at once to just see him, and all that did was make me miss him more. I had to write to get some help and advice on this because telling myself continuously that there’s nothing to miss and etc. does not always help! Still trying to stay strong as possible but since this was the first “run in”, it is messing with my mind.

    Thank you soo much, your blog and help is truly and amazingly powerful !!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      October 3, 2015 at 1:25 am Reply

      Hi Katie,

      Check it out….it’s been three years and the narcissist (of my books) had the balls to send me a Facebook friend request two weeks ago. I hate FB and even though I have a busy page, I never go to it. Imagine my surprise when I logged in to get a contact for my son and up popped the N’s face next to the friend request. I was so shocked that I minimized the window immediately and then I blocked him from being able to do that again. Did it give me a jolt? Yup – but only for a second and then I felt relief…you know why? Because it was over with! I saw his face – the one thing that I’ve been dreading for three years since we broke up and I wrote the book. Now, I’m fairly sure, I could run into him at the store and just turn the other way without feeling too sick to my stomach. You should turn your anxiety over the encounter into RELIEF as well for the same reason. Don’t let it mess with your mind because it could have been worse. He could have darted off the crosswalk and hopped into your car expecting a ride! In fact, knowing narcissists the way I unfortunately do, I’m sure that he got to the other side and had the same thought (“Damn! She could have given me a ride!”). Just like mine had the fucking AUDACITY to send me a “friend” request, yours had the BALLS to give ya a friendly wave. This is how they are. Don’t let it mess with you.

      So, BLOCK HIM just in case he thinks that now, since he gave you such a nice wave and you didn’t scream “Fuck you!” out your car window, that he can contact you just to see if you’re still in the queue. Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to do so via text, phone, or email. Just do it.

      Stay strong and know without a doubt that you are not alone in the fight! Recovery is a team effort and I’m here to support you! If you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will empower you to push past this little glitch and to find the humor in the whole damn mess. I guarantee it. My story is your story!

      And feel free to write anytime…

      Zari xo

      • Christine

        October 8, 2015 at 11:52 am Reply

        Seriously guys? I’m still amazed at the gall of these narcissists! Thanks for sharing your stories. It reminds me not to get too complacent and not to assume the narcissist is out of my life forever (after all, Zari’s made an attempt after 3 freaking years! I guess there’s no “statue of limitations” on hoovering). Now that I think about it, it’s been more than one year of NC for me (not to mention, entering a committed relationship with another, better man).

        However, come to think of it, I wouldn’t put it past the narcissist to try something even after so much time has elapsed–and even if he somehow learns I’m involved with someone else. In fact, he’d do so especially because I’m with someone else. I read somewhere that narcissists, in their sick way, often go after unavailable people (i.e. in a relationship, married)–for the ego boost of stealing someone from someone else, and also for the sheer joy of destroying two lives at once (their former victim and the former victim’s new partner). I wouldn’t put it past the narcissist to think that same way (in fact, he once went on and on about this female friend of his married to an “old man”, and I got a funny feeling he’d try something with her when she was in town. And another time he tried contacting an ex-girlfriend he hadn’t even spoken to in 5 years, supposedly because she called him wanting to “get back in touch” and was just returning her phone call. Yeah, right–this woman avoids him for 5 years and then contacts him out of the blue for no discernible reason?) From what I’ve seen of his past behavior, it really isn’t completely out of the question for me to ever get a random contact. Which, rest assured, I will ignore and not bother with!

  • Deanna Sadler

    September 28, 2015 at 9:31 pm Reply

    Good evening Zari,

    Deanna here. Wow you know I had the Narc born on Christmas Day. I be damm I have been gone now since December 2014. Haven’t seen him or contacted him. I mean full NO CONTACT. Well today and I mean today this Narc contacted me through a friend of the both of us by calling me from the number of our friend. I thought it was the friend that’s why I answered. Well this bastard knows my birthday is within a couple of days. I was SHOCKED when I said hello thinking it was our friend since it was our friend that I too had know for a long time who has my new number too.

    Zari I know the game I was not phased one damm bit by the early Happy Birthday wish and oh by the way he says to me “Im getting married in a few months. I said to him glad for you and her and immediately hung up and blocked texts and phone number from my supposedly friend.

    He tried to open up a wound in my heart once again, as I havecome along way. Hearing his voice did send chills up my spine I don’t know why but I told myself I thought he was gone but here it is again the hovering etc. Now this bastard opened up some memories and shit because I knew what the plan was he still wants the control and enabling he misses that 17 years of me being one of his or main enabler should I say. I’m saying Poor girl whoever she may be, this asshole I had for 17 years is going to do her the same way. So be it Narc get married but why come back to say happy birthday and oh by the way I’m getting married. One word NARRCISST.

    Zari I immediately came here to share with you my shocking experience today. I have to stay strong And I have been strong and I definitely no better not to let my guard down because hearing his voice was chilling and telling me he loved me doesn’t phase me at all in the least I’m so glad is can say this now and that’s how it will continue to be. Zari you and I had long long relationships with a Narc and will they ever stop trying their best to break us down by coming back to inflict more pain.

    Thank you Zari for always listening. I just wanted to shared this fiasco encounter I had today a day before my my birthday. Thank you for this blog it is appreciated.

    You and your blog have brought me along way and glad I discovered it back in October – November 2014!!

    It feels good coming here and I will continue we are survivors!!

    Deanna

    • Zari Ballard

      September 29, 2015 at 10:34 am Reply

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEANNA!!!!! LET YOUR HEART NOT BE TROUBLED!!!! I LOVE YOU, SISTER!!!!!!!

      What an ass he is!! He wanted to tell you that he’s getting married for your birthday. Fucking douche bag – I swear! You had no way of knowing it was coming so don’t sweat it. Continue on as if it never happened. You and I both know that whoever this girl is, she’ll be showing up on this blog sooner or later looking for advice. Narcissists never ever change.

      But while we’re on the subject of hoovering….here’s a birthday present for you: after three years, the N of my books (yes, Wayne!) SENT ME A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST and then, when I didn’t respond, he posted a nasty comment about how I need to take “all that bullshit about him off the Net” (oh yeah, I’ll get right on that!!!) I never ever go to FB and had only looked at it for my son who was trying to contact one of my “friends” when his request popped up with a picture. He’d posted it about three weeks ago while I was on vacation. When I saw his FB picture, I immediately minimized the window and then blocked him. But now I know that it was him three weeks ago (while I was on vacation) who walked up to the landing in front of my apartment door and dumped my plants upside down on my doormat. Good Lord!! What the hell???? Now, he’s a plant dumper??? Honestly, I bet that when and if Wayne gets married or engaged, I’ll get a phone call. Who knows? Maybe that’s what he wanted tell me on FB. You and I spent way too many years in the nightmare – wasted years, unfortunately – and it’s time to push forward and carry on! These ridiculous hoovers are nothing but minor glitches!!!! LOL

      These guys can go straight to hell, girlfriend! I am sending you a big, big birthday hug across the miles and I want you to have the most awesome day ever. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I’m rootin’ for ya!!

      Much Love,
      Zari xoo

      • Deanna

        September 29, 2015 at 7:23 pm Reply

        HI Zari wanted to reply back and thank you for the birthday shout out. It was a hell of a day to go through the day before my birthday. I can truly say I’m so good because I already knew what this asshole was up to by making every way possible manipulating and telling me about a marriage oh well sorry for the girl. I am enjoying my day by myself no relationship and loving my freedom but the Narcs they never give up trying to take you down. Zari my motivation is here reading your blog and the posts I stay encouraged and staying focused on my own well being. Thank you so much for the quick response it is greatly appreciated. I wish you all the happiness too. I will continue to come here as always .

        Deanna

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