Breaking Our Narc Addiction: The Truth About Suffering

By Zari Ballard

no-suffering Mentally letting go of the narcissist is never going to happen as fast as we’d like unless we starting taking credit for recovery time served. If we did that…if we realized that there are phases to the suffering post-break-up with a narcissist and that, for the most part, we’ve moved through them successfully without even knowing it, we wouldn’t be so inclined to give up and go back from whence we came – to the very person that caused us the initial grief.

Simply put, to break our addiction to the narcissist, we have to understand what all the suffering really means. I’m going to try to explain it so that everyone can find a place of peace. Believe me, when you “get it”, you can rest assured that recovery is around the corner.

If we gave ourselves the suffering credit that we deserve…if we weren’t so willing to give in and give up… we’d eliminate – at that point – the compulsion to break no-contact because we would know that it wasn’t the narcissist we were even missing!

Okay, Zari, what the fuck are you talking about?

I’m saying that we become The Suffering. It’s part of the game that we play with the narcissist and we’re left with the residuals. Most of us don’t realize that, when the final break-up with a narcissist occurs, our sadness and grief is actually less about the loss of the relationship than it is about the fact that we’ve become the suffering that was associated with it.

If you think about it, we spend far more time with The Suffering than we ever do with the narcissist himself/herself…so it’s natural to become attached to it. The sadness becomes a familiar connection…it keeps us in the loop all by itself. This is why the narcissist likes to keep us anxious and off-balance. His theory is that as long as we’re suffering, he can feel fairly confident that we’ll always be in the queue. For the most part, his theory is right but we have the power to change that by, say, believing in a “theory” like mine – that we can get past the suffering and out of the fucking queue much quicker if we first realize that it’s not all about him. We just think that it is.

It’s been weeks…months! I don’t even want the motherfucker back. So why am I so unhappy? All I want to do is cry. What the hell is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you but there are two phases of suffering. Listen carefully. Time and time again, in consultations, I hear this: Why am I still so sad? I don’t even want him back! What’s wrong with me? The person I’m speaking with is usually beside themselves with self-doubt. I explain that this particular form of cognitive dissonance is a good thing and that it’s different from the cognitive dissonance that makes us doubt the narcissist is even a narcissist. When you’ve reached the point of feeling nuts over the fact that you still feel sad, the worst of the suffering is actually over. You’ve passed through the first phase. In other words, you are no longer in denial!

It’s during that first phase that people will ask me “Are you sure he’s/she’s a narcissist? Are you sure?” (to which I typically respond, “The fact that you’re calling me tells me you already know the answer to that.”) Still, they may struggle or choose not to believe me. Two phone calls later, when I hear “He’s a narcissist. I don’t even like him! Why am I’m still crazy sad?”, I know that they’ve moved on to phase two and are now attached only to the sadness itself and while this attachment is actually more bittersweet than being attached to the narcissist, it’s far easier to let go of!

The problem is that the second phase of suffering is where it becomes dangerous because if we don’t understand it, we can easily give in to the depression and go back. This is why, if right now you are feeling the compulsion to make contact even though you’ve accepted the reality, it is imperative that you pay attention to what I’m trying to say. Listen up – you’re NOT crazy!

The feeling of having to let go – to be free of the madness – is often difficult to appreciate. I didn’t get it either at first. When my ex finally walked out (after 13-years), never to return, I couldn’t even cry – I knew it had to end. Yet three months later, I still felt crazy with undeniable grief. It took me awhile to understand that my attachment to the narc was long over. It was my attachment to the suffering itself that I had to get over…my addiction to the very drama that I hated…and THAT I could handle!

Get Better…Get Zari’s Book!

At first we miss the delusions because although the madness wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t dull either. Being caught up in all that drama and chaos sure kept us occupied and on the edge of our seats. When all the narcissistic noise subsides, the silence is so deafening that we don’t even realize that we are coming back to SANITY. And believe it or not, Zen Therapy and Buddhist Philosophy will tell you that after madness, the first phase of SANITY may not infrequently be a form of depression. I swear to you, this is the way it works! Look it up! You don’t need professional therapy, you just to move through it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS – AND QUICKLY!

I’m done with the N and now I’m just stuck on the sadness. Everyone is sick of it and so am I. How do I get through the final phase?

By realizing this: our suffering changes nothing. When we’re with the narcissist, we suffer because we think it’s going to change something – either with the narc or the relationship – but it never does. For instance, when my ex would disappear or go silent I would suffer like no tomorrow, day after day, until he returned. I just couldn’t help it. The silent treatment was his favorite “punishment”. Then one day, I switched it up, deciding to have a ball while he was gone, and what do ya know? He still returned. Suffering or not, the result was the same. Pretty soon, I was counting down the days until my next “vacation”.

The same way that you were able to move past phase one of suffering (missing the narcissist) without even knowing it – by accepting the truth – is how we get through phase two. Understand in your heart that our suffering changes not a fucking thing. It doesn’t change the world, our world, the narcissist’s world, the past, the future…not a thing. We can curl up in the fetal position, lose ten pounds, and even feel suicidal and the universe and everything in it just keeps moving. As I said, in many ways, the final phase – the final “let go” before mental freedom – is often that bittersweet sadness that makes our heart shatter…like the ending to a really sad movie. But the truth is that the movie is OVER and it’s time to exit the cinema.

When you get to the point that you still feel sad even though you KNOW you don’t miss the N, believe me, it’s done. Hold all that useless suffering – the suffering that changes not a thing – in the palm of your hand and blow it the biggest good-by kiss ever.

Think about it…if we can come to realize and accept that all the love in our hearts can’t convince a narcissist to care about right from wrong, then we can certainly realize that our suffering changes nothing and choose to be happy.

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92 Comments

Larry Abruzzo
March 9, 2018 at 10:16 pm Reply

I believe Im in this second phase and I.pray for the day I.wake up.and there is no thought of her in my head. One day at a time , because I ask.myself why the mental connection when I.would never be with her again, I got played good I’ll give her that, but I.know her game now , hell I.knew It when I met her, she had no friends, no history , nobody.from her past, 4000+’flying monkeys on her Facebook and a Boss who.was more then just her boss. She was all about being a bitch, and her awesomeness, swore.She would never post on dating sites , or video chat both lies she.did everything she said she would never do and everything she would accuse me of doing she was doing.
I would rationalize her statements and came to the right solution, normal people dont always accuse you, normal people dont think you are alwAys lying,normal people dont plant doubt in your head and then say your crazy, jealous, over sensitive , or you’re just looking for trouble by questioning what they say or do.
When she would come back with yeah I.was with so&so, and I loved it….then follow up with , you know I would never be with anyone else…each time she did that another Layer of my love for her was stripped away. I actual think I didn’t like her but I loved her…crazy huh.
The 3 men she was with in quick sucsession were with her then in a relationship with another within 7 to.14 days after her. I give them credit for bailing quick All 3 were in the triangulation of hers …and Im not even a memory to her,
Any way great stuff and thankful for your work and reading other people’s history, if you haven’t been in it they don’t get it …thanks for being here
Larry
- Zari Ballard
  March 25, 2018 at 1:26 pm Reply
  
  Hi Larry,
  
  It sounds like you’ve been through the ringer. I promise you that you will come out of it. Yes, when we look back, we can’t wrap our head around the absolute lies and gas-lighting and distraction accusations but this must now confirm for you that she is what she is and nothing you could have ever done would have changed it. Be at peace, brother.
  
  Zari xo
  - Larry Abruzzo
    March 25, 2018 at 3:05 pm Reply
    
    Thank you again for your kind words, and understanding the situation
    
    Not sure. if I can do a folllfoll here but
    Here it goes.
    
    Tell me do narcissist literally have no.friends in their life,? The narcissist I knew had no one In her life or a past.i believe it was because everyone gets tired of her and the shit she starts is never of her doing, yeah right..lol
    Thank you
    - Zari Ballard
      April 2, 2018 at 5:48 pm Reply
      
      Hi Larry,
      
      Yeah, they have friends but usually only those that they can take advantage of. Very rarely are they ever alone – especially the women narcs. And it always appears at first that they have nobody but us but that’s not the case. The truth is that they are real good at keeping their worlds from colliding. Remember, “Backup” is a narc’s middle name.
      
      Zari:)
Jenny
August 6, 2017 at 3:04 pm Reply

I think it is really important to understand that the addiction we feel for our narcissistic partner isn’t our fault.

It isn’t some weakness on our part, low self esteem, insecurity, co-dependency, etc etc. Nor is it some magic spell he’s cast on us :).

It’s purely chemical. Our brains and bodies betray us. Instead of being in love, we are actually irrationally bonded to our narc because of “trauma bonding”.

I felt an immense sense of relief when I learned this! I wasn’t crazy or stupid. I was addicted to the love hormones my body “automatically” produced when I was with him!

“Our brain is able to connect to negative sources, sometimes with even more intensity than to positive safe sources. This is important to know because some bonds are detrimental and not based on love at all…The imbalance of chemistry can cause the victim to experience intense cravings and wanting her partner. But it is extremely difficult to think clearly when oxytocin and dopamine place such importance and value on the abuser. … This combination of neurochemistry (along with endogenous opioids) can create an addictive attachment that is difficult to break…. Having reactions of craving, dependence and withdrawal can occur even if the victim is aware that logically the partner is a poor or dangerous mate. Therefore, the decision to ‘stay’ is not really a decision at all. Rather it is an addictive response that brains can have to a relationship of this type.”

The Spellbinding Bond To Narcissists And Psychopaths – What’s Happening In The Brain?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-spellbinding-bond-to-narcissists-and-psychopaths_us_57a4dbabe4b034b25894cc8
- Jenny
  August 6, 2017 at 3:32 pm Reply
  
  Also from the Love Fraud website:
  
  “First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.”
  
  Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’
  
  https://lovefraud.com/getting-over-that-amazing-chemistry/
- Raven
  August 10, 2017 at 12:14 am Reply
  
  Hello Zari … I recently like not 10 minutes
  Ago left a
  Long comment and accidentally used my real name on the topic of letting go
  Of the N a little at a time…. I meant to use “raven” as my name and it used my full name inistials KH which I wouldn’t care if he did not watch my
  Every move it seems!! Is there a way to
  Change that? Thanks
  - Zari Ballard
    August 23, 2017 at 11:17 pm Reply
    
    Consider it done!
    - Raven
      August 24, 2017 at 7:26 am Reply
      
      Thanks so much Zari!!! I really appreciate it!! He tends to read and check up on ME which makes no sense at all to me!!! Hugs have a great day!!!
      - Zari Ballard
        August 24, 2017 at 2:25 pm
        
        Anytime, girl….xoxo
Dana
July 3, 2017 at 8:18 am Reply

Zari, your articles / blog have been a life saver!! I work with the narc – actually, the narc and his on-going narc girlfriend is in the office (yes, they are both narcs)…talk about triangulation from hell. I am now through w him and the “relationship” that never really existed and all of that garbage…what a nightmare … but, working with him (and her) continues to be a challenge. Do you have any articles related to working w the narc? Thank you again for your help — I don’t know what targets did before there was info about narcs out there — I can only imagine suffering in silence and no one understanding —
- Zari Ballard
  July 10, 2017 at 2:43 am Reply
  
  Hi Dana,
  
  No, I have no specific articles about that although sprinkled within the many, many comments (stories) on this website are stories just like yours and my responses to it. Personally, I would start looking for another – and better – position somewhere else. As long as you stay there, unless you can learn to accept it and ignore it, this will always be an issue. It appears that you have been able to work there thus far and I can tell you that, if the relationship is indeed over and you are done, then you are at least through the worst of it. You can’t do much about having to see them and work with them but you can stay DETACHED and INDIFFERENT whenever you do and by practicing this, it hopefully will get easier. Still, if at all possible, I would put my feelers out for something better so I could be done with it altogether. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m wishing you luck across the miles….
  
  Zari xo
  - Dana
    July 10, 2017 at 9:32 am Reply
    
    Zari, thank you so much! Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. It literally takes all of my emotional energy to get thru the week, and I’d really like all of this behind me — every day at work is a narc show — don’t need to watch the these re-runs… I have two of your books now – I read thru on the weekends — great reminders until I can get completely free.
    Take care and thank you again for all you do to help — SO appreciate it!!! xo
    - Zari Ballard
      July 10, 2017 at 2:51 pm Reply
      
      Anytime Dana!…xo
Leigh smith
June 14, 2017 at 5:10 am Reply

I think your site has helped me tremendously. I was married to a Narssist for 23 years. I’m getting there now, but it has been tough. He’s dating young girls and also using other young girls to sleep with other couples. He’s nearly 50 and dating 25 year olds. He bought a flash car and a new house, they think their luck has come in by being with someone so successful He is discusting. None of them know the real him but with God’s help, they will and I’ll just watch at th3 side lines and laugh. He treated me so bad for so many years. I feel so embarrassed and not a good role model for my wonderful daughters.
- Zari Ballard
  July 2, 2017 at 4:01 pm Reply
  
  Hi Leigh,
  
  So sorry for the delay! To me, anyone who gets away from a narc after 25 years of hell deserves a big hug so I am sending you one across the miles:) Do not be embarrassed about ANYTHING and as far as I can see, you ARE a GREAT role model. The bottom line is that you are OUT and that’s all that matters. Live your life and be happy…you deserve it:)
  
  Zari xo
Ruthie
January 22, 2017 at 5:35 pm Reply

Thanks ❤
- Zari Ballard
  January 23, 2017 at 3:51 pm Reply
  
  Your welcome:)
Jay
January 8, 2017 at 10:25 am Reply

Hi Zari,
I have been reading your site and it has helped me start my recovery, which is very difficult and so, so painful. I want to share my very graphic and awful story. I am a 26 year old gay man, and he is 42.

In late 2014, I met my would-be boyfriend. The first date was full of charm, excitement and left me feeling as though this guy really was interested in me.
We hit it off quite instantly and decided to jump into something more serious. I should’ve waited, but I was so young and completely naive.

The relationship was fantastic for 6 months, he truly seemed like Mr Right.

On one night, I woke up at about 2am and wanted to see the time. My phone was flat so I checked his.
To my absolute horror, I found many emails from a site called C*mtree, a site for people to sell sex for money. The emails were mostly from African male prostitutes/rentboys, with extremely large penises.

I can’t even begin to describe the pain and anxiety that went through my body that night. It was terror, and shock. I wanted to die on the spot. When i awoke him in my state, he asked me if I had taken pills… I showed him his phone in my hand, with tears all over my face. His response was “OK. Do you want me to leave?” Sure as hell, he left. No ‘Sorry’ or any form of responsibility.

Shattered, the next day I phoned him and asked why? Who? For what???

He told me he had not been taking our relationship seriously and would really appreciate it if I could find it in my (broken) heart to forgive him and try again.

I did.

Within a week i found new emails from the prostitute site.

I left him.

Repeat this process a couple of times and before I knew it, he would say things like “I like sleeping around, you can either accept it or leave, I don’t care!”

What’s scary is that I did. I was completely devastated and depressed. I lived each day feeling like an absolute NOTHING.

Then it got worse…

One day at work, he phoned me, and in a calm voice he told me I needed to get tested. He told me he has HIV.

Completely broken down and mortified at what I mightve done to my life by staying with this awful person, I went with him to a doctor to be relieved that I am Negative.

When we got back into his vehicle, he started crying. Showing emotions like I’ve never seen. He told me he was scared to be alone, and he has fucked his entire life up. This trick worked on me and I decided to stay with him, and we would not have sex.

This didn’t even change him. I couldn’t find evidence of cheating but he treated me like dirt.

Then one day, I left him. I met someone new, it was shortlived but it helped to distract me from my N.
Not much longer he managed to hoover me right up with his confessions and apologies, Sorry’s, I love you and only you’s.

As you can imagine, things got even worse. Every 5 minutes he would be break up with me. I begged him to take me to a counsellor so we could fix our problems. Eventually he did, and it was a bad idea. I opened up so much in the sessions that he would use it as ammunition afterwards.

He would always tell me that I am not going anywhere in life, my hair looks bad, I’ve let my body go, I need a better job, I don’t make enough money.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I researched Narcissism (here I am!) and felt as though I had been blind this entire relationship.

On New Years Day 2017, he told me he does not love me anymore, that I annoy him, I’m immature, and he can’t deal with it anymore. I lost it, I told him he is the epitome of a Narcissist and he will always chase the people that try to love him away, and I feel so sorry for the next person he manages to con.

He hasn’t tried to contact me again, but it’s early days. I am still depressed but I have hope. Mostly, I’m sad about the last few years of my life that have been completely ruined and left me in emotional pain and devastation. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
- Zari Ballard
  January 10, 2017 at 5:03 pm Reply
  
  Hi Jay,
  
  That is a very sad story, my friend. I understand your pain but I also appreciate the fact that you told him like it is. You told the truth and he didn’t like it. YOU DESERVE BETTER. This guy, especially because he has HIV, is going to have a hard time finding a partner and therefore he will be hounding you until the end of time. Do not allow this…see it for what it is, painful or not. You are going to need support to stay strong. Consider booking some time with me, brother, so we can work on strategies for you sticking to your guns. YOU CAN PICK UP THE PIECES. Do not give up…you sound like a very compassionate, loving person and you deserve to be happy.
  
  Zari xo
- Caro
  January 10, 2017 at 8:08 pm Reply
  
  Wow, Jay. Your ex is a total fucking asshole. I’m so sorry you went through that. Stay strong and stay no contact. This guy is scum, and he doesn’t even sound decent, smart or interesting.
Pam
October 19, 2016 at 3:57 pm Reply

It simply amazes me how these pathetic pieces of s—- ever got born in the first place. I was with a Narc (of the Grandiose Variety) for 8 long years and you just wouldnt believe all the MF hell he put me thru. I didnt know it at first that he was a pathological liar, cheating son of a bitch from hell who would cheat on me behind my back and then try to turn it around and displace his guilt onto me and accuse me of cheating on him and with such force that he would be mean and nasty about it and then tell me time and time again he was going to leave me because he wasnt going to put up with my lies and deceit anymore (wtf?) and he was the guilty one, not me. And then in between sometimes he would suddenly feel guilty for treating me so badly and write me a letter begging for forgiveness ( right) for whatever twisted reasoning in his head and then it wouldnt be long until he started in again being mean, lying to me, cheating behind my back etc.I even had one bitch send me an email saying how she had f…. him and that he said he couldnt stand me and how he wished some of his druggie friends would do me in. (MF Jerk). I hacked into his emails accounts and saw all kinds of infidelity there you wouldnt believe. I couldnt leave the house without coming back and him instantly accusing me of being at some guys house f… him and all I had done was go to a bunch of stores and do my shopping. Things got worse and he started hitting me and one day hit me so hard it knocked the wind out of me. He would chase me down the hall and started breaking my things and almost completely destroyed my computer. He put holes in my walls and stabbed my things with a butcher knife, stuck a gun in my face and threatened me. But Stupid me just had to forgive him after I threw him out. Then when He went to prison for 3 years for not paying his child support. I made the mistake of helping him the whole time he was in there with money or phone minutes anytime he needed it (fool) and I even helped defend his case the first time and helped him get 5 yrs probation instead of federal time (2 yrs) so then he fucks it up and ends up going to prison anyway. I should have known better that his niceness in prison was just another put on phony act to just take advantage of me and believe it or not I found out that this monster was cheating on me behind my back while he was in prison with two other women that I know of and who knows who else and spouting at the same time how he was going to marry me when he got out. Yeah right. If it wasnt for me he would have never even made it thru parole. I got him both of his fucking jobs, I enrolled him in college, I got him into a program for veterans that paid him money while he went to school and he even promised to send me 500 a month to help me out with my bills and I never saw one red cent . He was getting about 4-5000 a month between the benefits and student loans and grants and I was barely getting by and having to do something I wont mention to get by and pay my bills. (the feds made him do his parole 1600 miles away from me). He was even getting high at the halfway house before he got the apt from the housing program I helped him get into and even got him signed up for food stamps at one point. It wasnt long before he was back to his old ways and one night he was so messed up that he didnt realize that his webcam on his laptop was on and I caught him with another woman, I couldnt believe he was standing there telling that bitch that he doesnt know what to do anymore because he just cant seem to be able to get rid of me and that I just wont take a hint that he just cant stand me and that he has been trying to get rid of me for years but I just wont go away (I just about fell thru the floor when I heard that one) and then I watched her get on his bed and lay down and then he got on the bed and I watched him get behind her and start f—- her. And another instance when I was watching him on cam and caught him in another conversation with some other bitch admitting he was fucking her. I even saw emails between them saying what I knew was probably going on between them, I even traveled one time to see him in the middle of the winter 1600 miles and I had drove straight thru and was so tired I was mentally exhausted . I had only been there 6 hrs and all of a sudden he wanted me to leave and I didnt need to be driving in that state of mind but he made me leave anyway . Long story short I ended up having a major accident on the highway when my brakes went out on the ice and totaled my car all because he just had to make me leave and I rear ended the back end of a pick up truck and the airbags didnt deploy until after my head had hit the windshield and cracked the windshield. I had a black lump on my head the size of a grapefruit, my hand were bloody, my left arm and hand were black all the way to my elbow and I had a major concussion, My car was totaled to the tune of $8,000, I had no insurance and when I tried to call him screaming for help he wouldnt even answer the gd phone, I had to call one of his friends to come pick me up from the scene of the accident! The tow yard took my.car and wouldnt give it back even after I paid the tow bill so I lost out on both. And that same night I was in so much pain I was literally screaming in agony because of my head concussion and what doe she do? He leaves for the rest of the night while I am suffering from my injuries and leaves me alone without any help. This monster had even previously threw a rock at my windshield of my car and cracked it and I had to replace it and took a key and ran it down the sides of my car . Fast forward : he finally gets off parole and comes back home and stupid me offers to help him with a place to stay until he gets some housing arranged. What a mistake that was,and what a fool I am, things never change, used and abused should be my middle name, I finally figure out that he never ever really loved me at all, I was just another notch in his belt for him, for Mr Player, cheater, liar, narcissist piece of shit. I even told him that to his face and sent him articles showing him exactly what he is but of course he says he is not the one who is a narc, its me. yeah right. I am sorry but I am NOT an attention whore who makes up lies and fabrications for attention or makes up fake stories to grab attention or calls me in the middle of the night when he is all messed up on something wanting to know what in the hell I am doing and who else is there with me ( and this is long after I finally threw him out for the last time. I had finally had enough of being ignored, he wouldnt even make love to me anymore and he even came into the bathroom one night and told me that I disgusted him so much that I made him sick and he threw up in the toilet right in front of me. I was so hurt it was beyond words. I had NEVER cheated or lied to this man not even once. I dont know how many times I cried and sobbed myself to sleep because I loved him so much iI just couldnt understand how he could be so cruel and hateful. He often got his jollies by making sure I was in misery. It got to the point that he wouldnt even kiss me anymore, all he wanted to do was get on some porn website on webcam and jack off while he was watching some other bitch on there and completely ignore me all night . Now he blames me for throwing him out. He still has the nerve to call me and tell me some lie that he was going to come over and see me but then never does etc etc etc. And if you think that is bad, one night I just happened to walk into the same casino he was at and I saw him and was going to go up to him with a big smile and say hi and I just about gave him a hug and he turned around and screamed at me: STOP STALKING ME!!! and I thought WTF???

After all the hell he had put me thru for the last 8 years I have come to the conclusion that I need a man like I need a hole in my head. As far as I am concerned Men are just fucking jerks waiting for places to happen. I just turned 55 a few days ago and I dont need this shit. He is 63 yrs old and a player who will do anything with anyone. (Yes he is Bi and I heard him tell some guy one night he didnt like to have relationships with women) and that is coming from a guy who has been married twice and has 3 children with 3 different women. To sum it all up here is the story I made up about him:
_____________________________________________________
* This is the story of how ….uses women:
_____________________________________________________

…. goes thru women like he goes thru underwear. He meets one and
since he is the type of guy who doesnt like to take responsibility for
his part in the relationship, he puts all the blame on the woman.
every time something goes wrong, its automatically the woman’s fault.
See if he can put all the blame on her for everything that has gone
wrong in the relationship then he wont have to take responsibility for
it. And then when it comes time for him to break up with her, he
wont have to feel bad about doing it because it will be all her fault.
Yeah thats right. Its the old adage of the classic guilt trip in
reverse. Every time he tells a lie, he turns it around and makes it
her fault, he feels so much guilt that he has to place the blame
elsewhere , so what does he do, he automatically starts accusing her
of lying to him , knowing full well that she has never done such a
thing and that is a crock of shit. But hey we have to place the guilt
somewhere dont we. And then when he cheats behind her back, oh dear,
we need a way to cover that guilt too so that we dont have to take
responsibility for it , so he starts accusing her of cheating on him,
I mean , down right bald face accusory mean shit that he throws right
in her face with such force that she almost actually feels she is to
blame for his anger. She is so hurt by his accusations that she
begins to wonder what she ever did to deserve such treatment. Well if
she is a smart woman she will realize what a game player she is with
and wake up and realize that she is being played big time. And along
with the lack of responsibility crap we have the mind control crap,
the control issues crap, the do as I say and not as I do crap etc.
yeah when …. first meets a woman he has to go all out , in order to
gain her complete trust , so what does he do, he sweet talks her and
tells her anything and everything she wants to hear just so he can
get down her pants . oh yeah, hes one of those kind of guys that will
tell you just exactly what you want to hear even if its not the truth
just to take advantage of you. And when you have given him everything
that he wants , then thats when the boredom stage appears and he
starts becoming tired of you. He finds a way to constantly pick a
fight with you or find fault with you & everything you say or do etc.
It doesnt matter what it is, he will find fault with it , with you and
then pick it & you apart until he succeeds in driving you crazy or
making you so mad that you go off and scream like a lunatic because of
how you are being treated , and then you can be blamed too for the way
he is treating you. Of course it is your fault because you are the one
acting like a raging lunatic even though he provoked it. Its just
another shift the blame tactic so he doesnt have to take
responsibility for acting like a total jerk. You see he didnt have
much of a role model to follow to learn how to have a REAL
relationship from , He was never taught that you are supposed to treat
the opposite sex with kindness , gentleness, compassion etc. He was
never taught the real way to solve problems when they come up in a
relationship. The only thing he knows is screaming , yelling, blaming,
and not taking responsibility for his own bad actions. Apparently
that role model had no conscious at all about treating women bad, he
was probably a “male chauvinist” , a man who felt he had to put a
woman in her place and to make her behave. Kind of like a bad parent
that bullies a child. He probably saw someone abuse his wife like
that and was led to believe it was the correct thing to do and taught
that all women are like children. They need to be pushed around, led
around by the nose and when they didnt obey, slapped around and made
sure they were put in their place.

When he finally grows tired of being with you and he decides to end
the relationship, then he just starts dropping little hints here and
there that he is on his way out, or he wants out of the relationship,
by making crap up that isnt even true, or saying he is planning on
leave the state soon (even if he cant afford to) making up sordid
stories that he knows for a fact that you have cheated on him (when
you havent) finding ways to start bs so he will get into a huge fight
with you and somehow make it all your fault so he doesnt have to take
the blame for breaking up with you. Oh yeah and this when it really
turns nasty. The more he wants out, the more stops he pulls out to
get to that breakup. and the more you resist and try to keep him from
breaking up with you , the more he tries to pull away by making up
excuses of why he cant or doesnt want to be around you, such as faking
sickness, saying hes got a lot of work to do and there fore he wont be
available. Calling you all times day and night just to pick a fight
with you cause he figures if he drives you crazy enough, you may just
get fed up with him first and then dump him so he wont have to take
the responsibility of doing it himself..

He is the type of guy that will put you thru hell & high water for the
whole relationship. He will completely destroy your nerves and stress
you out so bad you will want to throttle him and he will still assume
that he is not doing anything wrong. when you try to complain about
how you are being treated, he will find a way to turn his mistreatment
into fantasy and act like he doesnt even know wtf u are talking about.
Or if he just happens to catch you off guard , he will try to mind
phukk you with reverse psychology and try to make you think that you
don t even really know what is really going on or who is to blame.

And if all this wasnt enough, we have a little bit of patronizing and
making fun of you when you are down and out and the best one of all ,
but certainly not the least.. , the “:drag you thru the mud game that
leaves you totally broke & down in the gutter homeless game. That
is the meanest trick of all. Now that he has phukked with your mind,
its time to make sure you hit rock bottom too, so he throw in some
physical abuse for an added touch. And of course he didnt do that
either because you provoked it so that makes it ok to hit you. To
hear him tell it , that fist of his doesnt have a mind of its own, in
fact it doesnt even move dont you know. somehow somewhere out of the
blue , for no apparent reason at all, you decided to attack him and
thats how his fist just happen to run into your chest so hard that it
knocked the wind out of you.

Right…

This is the classic description of a user. He will use you for all he
can get out of you, tell you he loves you when he really doesnt mean
it or never really intended to mean it , promise you the moon , fully
knowing he will never deliver, sweet talk you and get you to do
everything that he wants and then when he gets tired of you and is
tired of playing you and stringing you along, makes up a load of bs
excuses for why things went wrong, places all the blame on you so he
doesnt have to feel guilty for leaving and dumps you. The worse he can
make you feel about the breakup and that it was all your fault, the
less he has to feel responsible for dumping you. Dont you know thats
what its all about ? women arent real people, they are just pawns to
be used when men need entertainment. Kind of like porn & gambling &
drugs, just something else to get your rocks off with when you get a
little bored, just another useful diversion. another notch in the old
belt? Yeah Women are one of those favorite past times dont you know.
He’ll drink to that, just ask him.

Aint that right…….

Just ask …. Mr Narcissist himself. He’ll tell you all about it.
But beware it will be all about him and he’ll leave you completely out
of it. Or maybe you should ask the scared little boy inside of him
that he hides behind. The one who is so scared of love or being loved
that he acts like a spoiled brat to keep anyone from seeing his
vulnerability.

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Okay, Zari, what the fuck are you talking about?

It’s been weeks…months! I don’t even want the motherfucker back. So why am I so unhappy? All I want to do is cry. What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m done with the N and now I’m just stuck on the sadness. Everyone is sick of it and so am I. How do I get through the final phase?

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