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A Narcissist Hoovering Q & A

narcissist-returns-hooveringNarcissistic hoovering so often becomes our epic downfall after a break-up with an N simply because we allow it so easily to lure us back to the abyss.Ā It is this hoovering – thisĀ  preferred narcissistic tactic of our toxic insignificant other – that invariably sucks us in for another no-win round of cat and mouse time after time after time.Ā  It is the hoovering that gets the best of us – more often than not – and makes it nearly impossible for us to put an end to the narcissistic nonsense.

Why do narcissist’s hoover and why does it appear to have such a hypnotic effect on the broken-hearted? I mean, how can this be considering that he who hoovers is, without a doubt, the perpetrator of the original crime? Why do the victims of a narcissist not only expect to be hoovered but will even wait for it, hope for it, and even beg for it at some point in the relationship? Because there are always a slew of questions about the hoovering maneuver in the wonderful emails I receive from website visitors and from readers of my book,Ā  I thought the time was right to create the following Hoovering Q & A:

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What exactly is hoovering?

Hoovering is an “action” that describes how a narcissist tries to weasel his way back into your life after a break-up or after he’s vanished for a period of time (i.e. a silent treatment). A “hoover” is the tactic he uses to do it.

What are hoovering tactics?

Hoovering tactics, which come in many forms (text message, email, letter or card, by proxy via someone else, phone call/voice mail, etc.), are always deliberately subtle at first in order to hide the deception behind it. How the hoovers continue is based upon your response to the first few. Also, because each relationship is unique and your narcissist has created a mental list of all the special things he can use to tug at your heart strings or pull on your conscience, he or she will combine/include what he knows about you with his hoovering methods.

So, for example, text message hoovering tactics out-of-the-blue after a silent treatment could involve:

  • text messages pretending to be oh-so-sweet: “Hi. How are u? Are u ok?” or “R u there?” or “Hey, it’s me:(“
  • text messages on special occasions: “Its my b’day. Really miss u being here” or “Happy b’day. Wish I was there”
  • text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “Hi. I was thinking about Joey today. Is he ok?” or “I know u hate me but wanna wish Suzie a Happy 8th b’day”
  • text messages about a convenient upcoming event: “Foo Fighters r coming. Wanna go? Couldn’t go w/o u”” or “R u going to Maggie’s wedding?”
  • text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before (one of my ex’s favorites): “Hey, I was thinking, wanna go bowl a few strings?” or “Hey wud u like to go for a drink?”
  • text messages about bogus family illnesses (including his own) (another of my ex’s favorites): “My mom had a stroke. need to talk to u” or “I don’t no, think I might have cancer. Can I c u?”
  • text messages about sex: “Don’t u miss us being together?”
  • text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did u just drive by?”
  • text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response (my ex’s all time favorite and it usually worked): “I know what u did” or “U better tell ur boyfriend to stop calling me” or “I know u hacked into my fone” or ” or “I’ve moved on. Why r u bugging me?”

All of the above can be swapped for use in emails, letters, notes taped to cars, voice mails…you get the idea. The point is..it’s all a crock of shit to get a response from you so that communication is initiated and he can worm his way back into your life.

Why does a narcissist begin to hoover?

A narcissist hoovers for a few different reasons (none of them good, by the way) but the main one is to keep you from ever moving on from the pain that he caused you.Ā  Successful hoovering (i.e. you responding) keeps you in the queue with all of the narcissist’s other victims (and there are always others) and this, in turn, ensures that he will never run out of narcissistic supply.

What has happened to the narcissist for him to start the hoovering?

A narcissist only hoovers because things aren’t going his way wherever he’s at – and that’s the only reason. So, if the narcissist in your life starts hoovering suddenly after a long (or brief) absence, it’s because 1) he’s had enough fun with whoever he left you for, 2) his current fling did something he didn’t like and he’s getting ready to blow her off, 3) his current fling is getting too close to finding out about you or others and he knows the end is near anyway, or 4) he’s in need of something you’ve got (i.e. money, transportation, sex, etc.)

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What will happen if I fall for his hoovering tactics?

He will expect the relationship to pick up where it left off with no repercussions from you and the next time he leaves (and he will leave again) he’ll make sure it’s more painful for you than the time before. Nothing good ever comes from falling for a hoover.

And it only takes one (1) response from you for the hoover to be successful. If you notice, a narcissist will often hoover with a text or email or phone call that gives you hope and then, as soon as you respond in kind, he disappears. That’s his way of just checking on your status in his queue of victims – and then he goes back to whatever or whoever he was doing.

Is it ever possible that the narcissist really misses me and feels bad about what he did?

No. A narcissist has no conscience and, although he knows the difference between right and wrong, he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t miss you or love you or miss the kids or have nostalgic thoughts (not like we do anyway) or feel sorry for what he did or for hurting you. Nope, it’s none of that. He might be missing the sex but that will only be temporary because after you’ve let him back in, he will eventually leave again to go back to wherever he was because he now misses that sex.

Well, I hope the above clarifies the hoovering method of the narcissist a little. As always, no contact is the only way to rid yourself of the narcissist. The more we understand the reasoning behind each and every hoover and that it’s all a big crock of shit, the better our chances of recognizing and ignoring future hoovers.

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91 Comments

  • lu

    October 8, 2015 at 11:09 am Reply

    Can narcissists heal?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 9, 2015 at 7:04 pm Reply

      Hi Lu,

      Nope, unfortunately not. A narcissist can never be fixed or changed – not with love, therapy, or any magic pill. Their brains are hardwired completely differently and although they can mimic the emotions they need to get what they want, they feel nothing…and they’re perfectly okay with that.

      Zari:)

    • Jayslin

      November 13, 2015 at 9:34 am Reply

      Narc: I’ll tell her I love her more than anything in this world. I will swear on my young sons life that I promise to be with her forever. I’ll even toss in that I will kill myself if she doesn’t give me another chance. This should get her attention good people don’t want to live with someone may die because you them.
      It worked! She fell for it!! I’m so happy:)
      Now let’s make her suffer and play the silent game;)

      Victim: Confused and dead on the inside.

      Just a sick game to them.

      • Zari Ballard

        November 14, 2015 at 8:04 pm Reply

        Yes, it is. The sickest game ever. Stay strong, Jayslin, and always remember that you deserve to be happy.

        Zari xo

  • cocofine

    September 2, 2015 at 10:29 pm Reply

    There is a spiritual influence to the evil and negative behavior of the Narcissist, and every one acts as if they are blind to it for one if the Narc knows right from wrong then why does it choose to do wrong? and if crazieness is characterized by not knowing right from wrong then the Narc is not crazy because it knows right from wrong. And I don’t believe that Narcissism is a mental disorder either, because the Narc knows exactly what it is doing to people and all of the pain it is causing others, but it chooses to continue because it likes hurting others and it doesn’t want to change it treatment of others or it’s behavior and it knows that it is causing all of this evil, and it don’t want to get better even though it knows it actions are wrong, and it knows it can control it’s actions if it wanted to, but the Narcissist does not do any thing about it’s cruel behavior. Most mentally ill people want to get help to change their behavior and their outlook on life and to become more productive in life, but not the Narc, it just want to keep destroying and maming others and it is all the happier for doing so. I think that people today and doctors in the mental health field find it easier not to have to deal with the spiritual side of people, because it is something they can’t prove and most don’t have the faith it takes to acknowledge that there just maybe a demonic influence in the personality of the Narcissists. What is in the bible that only want to do evil to man kind and what get great pleasure in destroying man kind, and seeks to cause hurt and pain at every chance it gets, because it hates man kind and jealous of them and is envious of them, The answer is Demons spirits and Satan. And what does a Narcissists do the exact same as demons do, No True Human being can live his life only looking to destroy other lives for the pleasure that it brings them. The Narcissists is the only creature aside from the psychopath, who seeks out human beings to destroy. The Bible says to be wary of the Devil because he is like a roaring lion, seeking to destroy and to kill. People need to start calling the Narcissists what it is a demonic spirit that was able to take over the person body when he began to push down his personality, what other personality does a person have once he has gotten rid of his own? He has none he is an empty vessel waiting for some other spirit to take it over and this is what the demon does take over that person. This is what is called the false self, but is not only a false self it is a false soul, mascarading as the person, who no longer exist because he gave up his own self, his personality. And the evil spirit that inhabits the body does not want to have any trace of the former inhabitant lingering around not even in the minds of those who thought that they knew this lost soul. We are not dealing with a human being when we encounter a Narcissists but a demonic spirit, I can say this because I have looked into the empty filmey eyes of a Narcissists and there was no sign of a human in there.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 19, 2015 at 10:51 pm Reply

      Hi Cocofine,

      Thank you for writing and it seems that you have the evilness of narcissism figured out. My belief is that while narcissists might know right from wrong, they simply don’t care. Now, having said that, narcissists get through life because they are keen enough to know what society, for the most part, expects and what part they must play. This is why it always appears to the abused partner that the narcissist gets along with everyone else outside of the relationship. The partner gets the brunt of what the narcissist REALLY feels entitled to and that’s the suffering of others. Of course, he (or she!) does it in such a passive-aggressive way at first that the partner is not sure what’s even happening. If you’ve never experienced it before, how do you even know what it is? The first time that I was subjected to a silent treatment, I thought for sure my ex was dead or dying. It never occurred to me that I was being ignored on purpose!

      As for the type of evil we’re dealing with, I don’t usually delve into the religious – or, actually, satanic – theory as you have in your post but I do agree that these creatures are empty vessels to be sure. They lack the moral compass that stops them from repeating a bad behavior once they realize how badly it hurts another person. I always say that narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths follow a pathological relationship agenda that appears to be universal world wide and this is always amazing to me. I don’t believe for a minute that narcissism is a mental illness. My son has schizophrenia and THAT is a mental illness. In fact, when people refer to it as that, it’s highly offensive to me. Now, is it a personality disorder? Yes, I suppose it is because how else do you explain that the experience of thousands of abused partners are interchangeable. But even as a disorder, I don’t cut narcissism any slack.

      There is good and evil in the world and narcissism definitely plays a part in the latter. In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I refer to a narcissist in human form as one of God’s few mistakes, meaning that if humans were made on an assembly line, the narcissist would be a defective product. And I mean defective to the point that they can’t be fixed – ever. Not with love, therapy, or with any magic pill. Moreover, they like themselves just as they are – emotionless – but are more than happy to mimic the emotions that they need to get what they want.

      Anyway, that’s my theory and it’s not too far from yours. The bottom line is that we’re all better off without them and the more we understand the anomaly, the better we’ll be at recognizing the many disguises and forms in which narcissists live in order to walk among us.

      Zari xo

  • Gabriella

    September 2, 2015 at 12:38 am Reply

    Hi all,
    My story is completely as yours….. I told my ex N, “-You have a problem in your mind, because you always play with me. (Cat and mouse game – cheating, silent, blame on me, cell phone change,drug and alcohol problem etc. etc)You are a narcissist!”.-
    He went on google, looking up what is a narcissist personal disorder, and he said, Im the narcissist! šŸ˜€
    Now he want a divorce and I said ok, because Im sick and tired.
    But, the joke is he does nothing. He is waiting, goes on date and daten page. He want to live with me, but only as a rentpartner.
    Im moving in whit our 2 kids.
    I told him : -go away a few day and I have time to move in.
    When he hear to me, Im going with the kids home in to our motherland (we live in other country), he made a scene, he have another plan.
    Now, he is gone, but it was only after I find his cell phone and saw his date. I freaked out, becasue Im still here and thats made him run. Dimwitt.
    But he come home every day. Omnifarious reasons.
    More 3 days and this hell will be gone.
    I dont know the distance will be enough to him, dont hunt for us.
    I going No Contact with him.
    But, in my inside-woman, I would like to see him hoovering, and I would shoot the door in his face. To me is enough revans. But I think, he dont come because now im cold to him. And he knows Im not his toy anymore.
    I will start a new life with the kids. My family support me.
    Im stronger now, and im not a victim. Im SURVIVOR.
    Have a nice day!
    Gabriella

    (Sorry for my english, its not my nativ language)

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2015 at 8:36 am Reply

      Hi Gabriella,

      Yes, you ARE a survivor and YOU GO GIRL! As much as you’d like him to hoover so you can have the last word, it never has the result that we would want. The best revenge is NO CONTACT because it turns his silent treatment into YOUR decision to end it once and for all. With family to support you and determination in your heart and the love of your children, you are going to be a star! Life is too short to spend one more minute in the nonsense. He will now use the excuse that he is a narcissist until the end of time. So be it and let it be HER problem now!

      Stay strong and remain true to your happiness, sister!

      Zari xo

    • Gabriella

      October 7, 2015 at 8:23 am Reply

      Hi Zari,
      Im here again. Im separated from the Narcopath-ex. I have sometimes heartache, but each day become easier. I learn a lot what is narcissist and sociopath, and how I get a ride my hurt feeling and how I heal my crushed soul.
      Interesting, the kids told me: Mom, we are now a great place and we dont miss our dad. The little told me, when I ask: Everything is allright now, because you are not sad. šŸ™‚
      I think my kids is amazing.
      Here is my problem:
      I made a very-very low contect for the sake of kids.
      The first two week the X called me by phone repeatedly. Now, this is stopped.
      He send me e-mail weekly.
      The e-mail theme is nonsense.
      -Please,send the kids scoolpaper to me or the scool. (why to him -I dont understand)
      -Please, send your bank international code (this is in internet)
      -I sends for the kids gifts, and he ask from me: which one to choose.
      I dont understand why X wrote to me. This is hooverig or he want me upset or what?
      Have a nice day!
      Gabriella

      • Zari Ballard

        October 19, 2015 at 5:16 pm Reply

        Hi Gabriella,

        I’m apologize for the delay in getting back to you. Look, unless it’s court-ordered that he be in contact with the kids, be done with it. Sending you ridiculous requests via email once a week is only to keep you in the queue. It’s hoovering but of a different kind…he just wants to keep you wondering and thinking while he does whatever he wants. If you were staying in the states, I would say to take him for everything he’s worth in child support. But since you’re not (or at least I hope you’re not because you’re last post said you were leaving the country I think), then you have to decide if the money is really going to be worth having to deal with the email theme indefinitely. Like you said, the kids are amazing and thank God they’re with you!

        So, yes, he technically is writing to upset you because what else could it POSSIBLY be about?? LOL His whole purpose in life is to make YOUR life unsteady and you don’t have to put up with that bullshit a minute longer.

        Stay strong & be happy! You deserve it!

        Zari xo

  • Patty

    August 31, 2015 at 11:53 am Reply

    I fell in love with the man that I thought would do anything for me. He treated me like a princess. But that all ended on the day I moved in after we were married. He started criticizing me and would say mean and unkind things to me that he would tell me if I was not happy and I should just leave. When I doubt and got my own place you showed up at my front door. Then he started texting and sending me flowers all the time. He would do anything for me to make my life nice and help me. He gave me large sums of money and bought me expensive gifts. He told me he had repented before God and he was a change man how sorry he was and if I only would come back he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me . So after nine months I came back but it started even before I moved in and he became mean and angry at me again and told me things had changed if I wasn’t happy then I could just leave . We had legally separated and he refused to legally remarry me even though that was my Christian belief that we should be Mariam. Finally I found him on a dating website and so I left him again and finalize the divorce. But as soon as that happened and I moved out at first he was angry and said very cruel and profane things to me. But then he Started hovering again and apologize profusely. He even went to counseling which I had tried to get him to do for months. And he admitted he was not well and that the bad man in him was gone and that he had repented and was a change man. Since that time he has been so very nice to me and helping me financially and physically. He has been so nice to me over the few weeks that he has made me love the man I thought I fell in love with again. But I am so afraid because I do not feel I can trust that he will actually change if I go back to him I am afraid it will be just like before it will start all over again. Any advice would be appreciated .

    • Zari Ballard

      September 12, 2015 at 12:14 am Reply

      Hi Patty,

      Forgive me the delay in responding. Let me say right up that you know it will never change. I don’t have to tell you that but I will confirm it for you and gladly validate your feelings. There is a reason why your gut is telling you “No! Don’t do it!”. He has a history of behaving very badly and you shouldn’t be expected to just “put it all behind” you. I’m sure that if you act as if you don’t trust his every behavior, he will twist that around to make you feel guilty about not trusting him. DON’T FALL FOR THAT. Take it one day at a time and see what happens but have eyes in the back of your head.

      Since you first wrote, 11 days has passed so a lot could have happened. Please, if you have a chance, respond with an update because now I am curious how it will all turn out.

      Do not forget that YOU deserve to be happy! Commit to boundaries and do not let him manipulate the situation.

      Zari xo

  • Heather

    June 6, 2015 at 11:32 am Reply

    Hi Zari..I am a recovering Narc Victim..after the final discard in March of 2014. He certainly did not do anything to separate our lives, bills, getting the rest of his stuff from our house, removing my cell number from his facebook page..I had to hack in to his facebook and delete myself. That is when i found out that he had an ex girlfriend waiting for him to leave me so they could move in together. They are engaged as of April 2014. Here is what is strange to me. In October of 2014 i again requested his help in getting our stuff straightened out so we can go our own way (he is engaged after all) I told him that i was really upset to be getting all his mail still and that i wanted him to change his address, and help me get bills out of his name and into mine..(he didn’t do any of it) no surprise there really!! At that moment i went full on NO Contact. Fast forward to April 2015 I’m getting coupons in his name for feminine products delievered to my home and am getting calls to my home number from potential employers for him, (this also happened a few times before)..I’m also getting new junk mail in his name (payday loan companies) from services we’ve never utilized as a married couple. He still to date has not started any sort of divorce proceedings against me nor has he separated himself from the bills here. Is this a form of hoovering or is he just to lazy to do what a normal responsible adult would do?

    • Zari Ballard

      June 10, 2015 at 6:23 pm Reply

      Hi Heather,

      It boggles my mind how the other woman can be “okay” with waiting for a narcissist to leave his wife so that they can get “engaged”. You have to believe that this person is going through the exact same thing, hearing the same lies, AND, BOY, IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING, isn’t it? First of all, this guy is YOUR husband and, therefore, he can’t be “engaged” to anyone until he is divorced from you. Second of all, he has no intention of getting divorced from you because that would mean taking you permanently out of the queue and narcissists HATE doing that. I recommend that you file for a divorce and take control of the situation. As for the mail, I believe that it’s a combination of both…he’s kinda hoovering by still using the home address (and knowing that you’ll know this) and, yes, of course he’s an irresponsible asshole. Do you know where he’s living? I think I’d be so pissed that I’d have half a mind to contact the new girl and ask her what’s causing the divorce holdup. God knows what he told her – probably that you refuse to give him a divorce and he’s trying everything but you just won’t let go! Do NOT pay his bills and get to a lawyer immediately. I am so sick of narcissists just walking away from marriages as if they’re breaking up with some girl they just met. It’s sickening and they ALL do it. Please don’t let him get away with it. Even if he IS hoovering, who cares? It’s likely he’ll hoover whether you’re divorced or not so you might as well get divorced so you can feel free to move on with your life. I truly am so sorry that you have to endure this ongoing bullshit.

      Stay strong, sister, and get thee to a lawyer!!!:)

      Zari xo

      • Heather

        June 12, 2015 at 9:37 am Reply

        Hi Zari…
        Thanks for your reply..a lot of it made me feel better.. I’m still stuck at the edge of the cliff trying very hard to step into my new life..still trying to make sure i had nothing to do with what he is! I also need to know he will do it all to her too. Here are three things that stick out for me…My Uncle was sick, i was looking after him. His doctors office called to tell my mother he hadn’t made it to the office the day before. She sent me to find out what happened…he was dead on his bedroom floor. After dealing with the police as he died alone,and i was the last person to see him alive, going over to my mothers to be with family, i got home hours later, He offered me no support or affection not even a hug. He was texting me the day my mother was lying in a hospital bed dying..he “hated” his job of 4 months, telling me they were picking on him…and was begging me for permission to quit his job. I told him to do whatever he wanted to do then shut my phone off..He quit his job and went home…my mother died! I went home there was no comfort from him he just continued on with his job rant!!!! These 2 events took place within a 6.5 month span! I use my inheritance to by a house for us…he isn’t even really working much at the time…he gets a job at a fishery nearby…no money in the house and he’s charging food of which the money comes off his paycheque so he can eat…while my son and i go without!!! Zari i’ve lost my job i can’t afford a lawyer at the moment…In the current economy i’m having a lot of trouble getting another one…!!! The worst of all is everyday i see his name or hear his name in the strangest of places, movie credits, the name of a school in New york, commericals, a party invitation in a movie, the name of a dog of a new friend, even in articles about narcissists, logging onto facebook a poster on a buy an sell site this time a girl her last name is his first name…At first i thought it was just a coincidence….Then the power that is sending whatever message it is…has lately added our last name to it..!!! OMG!!!!

        • Zari Ballard

          June 29, 2015 at 1:13 pm Reply

          Hi Heather,

          I am so sorry that he has treated you so poorly during such sad, sad times. I am truly sorry for your losses, I really am. Understand that this guy will NEVER be able to show you any kind of compassion – ever! You must separate yourself from him. Boot his ass out of that house and change the locks. Block him from ever being able to call and text you again. It’s time to end the nonsense and move on with your life. I am proof that you CAN get over this. If you haven’t read my books, please do because I think they will help you make the right decisions going forward.

          All those “messages” your are seeing and hearing at every turn is just the Universe telling you that life is too short and you MUST make a move NOW. Give you and your son a chance in this world and get rid of him once and for all. You deserve to be happy!!!

          Zari xo

        • Eileen

          July 30, 2015 at 6:08 pm Reply

          I have to say I know exactly what you’re talking about Heather with the name messages coming at a constant pace and getting more insistent and less random and then the full name pops up and other connections. This happened to me several times during periods where I was abandoned by my narc or trying to leave him. I even had my close friends seeing this and we were just unable to deny or explain the phenomenon,it was crazy but definitely felt like a bombardment.. So as soon as you started explaining your experience I remembered how intensely I had experienced the exact same thing. It really makes you slightly more suspicious than usual about what is really involved here, I know that I often push aside the darker explanations that always are on the mind as I prefer to deal with a psych issue it’s much easier. But mostly anything you realise or sense with a narc that you have not let yourself believe, ends up being the truth you need to accept. And there is only one way to prove the truth us that they all seem to have exact sets of behaviours they all do (strangely!) and therefore the victims report the same things and that’s what convinces you finally when you just read what could be taken from your own life or your words thoughts and experiences are practically written for you by almost everyone else on these forums etc. Very strange phenomen surrounding these people and their impact upon the world. And I use the term “these people” loosely… On so many levels it just isn’t the right term

          • Heather

            August 1, 2015 at 9:20 am

            Hi Eileen
            OMG thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I really thought i was going crazy!! I started to see an hear the new “fiancee’s” name with his name too…!! His name started to show up in front of my friends in the most random ways ever!!! I know he regrets his choice of women, as he has downgraded his entire life.I also believe that he’s trying to find a way to get me to talk to him. That’s why his name has been coming up a lot, i believe that stuff now!! Calls to my cell from 4 different personel agencies using two different resumes with my cell number on them. Neither resume has their address on them. I called all 4 agencies!! He’s been gone for 15 months!!! Does that not suggest trouble in his paradise?? I did creep his facebook page..and all the things he shares are things we shared together, does that make sense? All the pictures are ones i took, and nothing of their relationship at all? I’m still having a lot of trouble, even with all this evidence, believing what i was living with. I still can’t help thinking i was the sole problem and he’s happy with her!!! I wish i could stop doing this to myself..!!!

  • Robyn

    April 30, 2015 at 11:19 am Reply

    Thank you so much for your post Zari.

    I was dating who I believe to be a Narc. back in 2012. The relationship started of okay with the love bombing and making me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He reminded me of his past relationship (1st girlfriend) and how she treated him like crap. I had a run in or two with her and she did admit that she treated him like crap. So of course, I had empathy for him. During the first couple of months of dating, I found several emails from her and him telling her that he loves her and miss her and also naked pics. I broke it off and he hoovered me back in. He took me on trips and everything went back to normal. We would have fights about small things, break up and get back together. A few months after that, we broke up, for about 12 hours. I found out that during that time, he up and left and went to spend the night with his ex(1st girlfriend). He treated me nice and everything went back to normal. Around the 4th of July, he started to change. During this time he started talking to another ex (2nd girlfriend before me but after the 1st). He began to do what is considered discarding. He treated me like crap. Broke up with me, I begged him back. He said that we would just take it “slow” and work it out. While all the time he was love bombing the ex(2nd girlfriend). He spent Thanksgiving & Christmas with her (all the holidays). This was the end of 2013. While going into 2014. I became depressed. I lost so much weight. I would do my best to go NO contact. He would let a month or so pass, then contact me, tell me how much he loves me, we would get back together, but it only would last a few weeks. Afterwards, he would go back to 2nd girlfriend. I just know that she knows he is no good. But it seems, that she settles for it. Low self esteem perhaps. I kept going back because I sincerely loved him, and when I looked at him, I saw hurt and pain. Sadly, and I don’t know why he does it, but he will let no more than a month or two go by without contacting me. Then makes a persistant attempt to contact me and tell me how crazy he has missed me and loves me. This would drive me crazy and made me so confused. EVERYtime, I would open back up to him-ONLY to be shut down. He would say that he’s truly loves me, but just not ready. Or so much is going on his life and he needed someone to talk to. Its like he was just “fishing” to see if I still loved him and wanted him. I ingored at first, all forms of contact. He called me from random numbers, set emails, he even called me numerous times from his MOM phone and left messages. Mind you, the 2nd girlfriend, whom he is with now (lives with her mom), he takes around his MOM. I would think that would be a bit disrepectful to be calling me from his MOM phone (He lives with his mom). I did block his number and any other number. Maybe that’s why he used her phone. Whenever he makes an attempt to reconnect, HE ALWAYS go to the extreme if I try to ignore him. This time he got my attention by showing up at my house with a letter. I even let him spend the night because he said he was to tired to drive. He knows that I care about him. It seem like he plays my feelings. He knows I am compassionate. He knows that I am loving. I work hard for everything I have. Rough childhood but I overcame it. I have my own place, several degrees, good job, standing on my own, and beautiful. (Thank God for it all). I opened up and he said no. Its almost like his way of making me pay for what I did. His behaviour is not normal. The way he acted, you would think he was madly in love with me. But he is not. I have gotten alot stronger. I was bold enough to ask him. If you love me WHY is she still in the picture? He answered: She fills a gap. I asked him, Do you love her? because it seems obvious and I don’t want to come between anything..He answered: I CARE ABOUT HER. To be honest, it seems like he chooses whoever is weaker or he can control. I don’t know much about N’s but that what it seems. I asked him..Why not just stay with her? She’s everything you are looking for..(obviously a good “supply”). He answered: I love YOU. I didn’t believe him. He doesn’t allow her to post pics of him. Because I found one and confronted him. He made her take it down. He knew I was checking up on him. Later I noticed his family would post a pic or two of them together (he can’t control what they post). But then, I think he knew I would see it and maybe in the midst of no contact-I would reach out to him like I normally do. Its like he wants a response. The last time this happened, I didn’t respond. I just let it go. What he fail to realize is that 1) I love him. 2) Even when we are apart, if its only for a month or two, I begin to heal. Honestly, it seems like he does not want me to heal and move on. He even said he can’t stand the thought of me being with someone else. But since its bound to happen, he has to accept it. GARBAGE. At this point, I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS CIRCLE. Thats all that it is. A CIRCLE. He told me how crappy I was, then when he tries to see if the door still open, all of a sudden, Im the love of his life, but hes just not ready for it. I just couldn’t believe he said all of those things about his “girlfriend” and used his mom phone to harass me. I know he talked about me. Im sure of that. It just doesn’t make any sense. I was good to him in everyway. Never cheated. He says they don’t have sex, which I honestly believe is a lie. She seems to be in total submission because not matter what, she is always there. He would tell me to never break up with him. And just to keep going along with everything. Im not perfect, but I refuse to be emotionally drained and continually fighting for my sanity. If that’s what floats her boat, she can have him. He wins. She wins. Every time he hoovers over me, we don’t have sex or go “all the way”. So honestly, I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know why he keeps doing this…I know its my fault because I allow it. But sometimes, I’m not sure if he’s a Narc or is that just trying to be a “player”. Sorry its long, but it helped to vent it.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 16, 2015 at 7:07 pm Reply

      Hi Robyn,

      So sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I could have written your letter myself because it is EXACTLY what I experienced in my relationship. PLEASE read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will see yourself on every single page, I guarantee it. Yes, your guy IS a narcissist and he is following the typical relationship agenda of all narcissists. he is a textbook case. Mine did everything you describe…the disappearances, break-ups for just a month or two then hoover back, calling from odd numbers, living at his mom’s, pulling the pity party to get me back, contacting other ex’s, blah blah blah. It’s all the same and if you read my book, you will be completely amazed. It’s a sick game that they play with ALL of us and, believe me, each and every other girl is going through the same thing. When he is back with you, someone else is ALWAYS getting the silent treatment. You can’t assume that any of the other girls are “insecure” because they are only feeling what you feel when the discard takes place. They take him back just as you take him back. He tells them the same thing he tells you. We all want to believe that, for whatever reason, we are the most important to him when in fact we aren’t any more important than anyone else in his life. I wrote an article about that very thing at this link that you may find helpful.

      A narcissist compartmentalizes his life so that he can juggle a whole bunch of relationships with the least resistance. Moreover, over time, he slowly manages down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and he gets away with more. Eventually, it takes nothing but mere crumbs of attention to get us back. Mine would disappear for a month or two and then the inevitable tapping at the door would start or the benign texts or the phone calls from random numbers or a new cell phone number. Meanwhile, I’d be sick…beside myself with grief…not able to concentrate on anything. Over and over…seduce and discard…for 13 years. They make it so that we actually feel that the anxiety of being WITH him is so much less than the anxiety of being without him. It’s wrong!

      Your narcissist is, without a doubt, either having sex with or withholding sex from two people at any given time. This is what they do. He thinks that by NOT having sex with you, he’s technically NOT cheating on someone else (while he’s punishing her with a silent treatment) but that’s bullshit. He is simply getting his cake and eating it too and it’s shaving years off your life that you’ll never get back. Kick him to the curb and block him from being able to contact you. If he knocks, don’t answer it. Stay away from social media. Go no-contact and stick to it, girlfriend. Read all of my books if you can because there is one for every step in the process. You deserve to be happy and there is no time like now to get started on making that happen. The sooner you start, the quicker you’ll get there.

      Stay strong and I’m here if you need me….

      Zari xo

      • Robyn

        May 27, 2015 at 6:03 am Reply

        Zari,

        Thank you for your response! It came just in time. I was literally thinking to myself how crazy I am for going through this, and how crazy he made me feel when I did talk to him. Since your last response, I did go no contact. As you stated, he randomly pops up at my house. I’m tired of going through this cycle-because that’s exactly what it is! A CYCLE! I want my sanity back. I want peace of mind. I love him but at some point, You have to put yourself and health first. I am no where near selfish, but at this point-its time to move forward. You are right, it does take years off your life that you can not get back. A dead dog does not deserve that type of treatment. I was nothing but good to him. You are right, I do need to stay away from social media. It doesn’t help at all. Its so sad to think there are people in this world that just don’t care, play sick mind games, and are SELFISH. I can agree with you, I have been sick with grief as well.Everytime I feel a little progress..guess who shows up? Its almost like he psychic or something. I do think about him often and how he treated me. If he is so happy with whoever else, why keep bothering a ex that you treat like trash? The “N” behavior is something I will never understand. His behavior is not normal. Made me feel so inadequate. Its amazing how you can love a person-know you are being treated like Sh*t, but still put up with it. I’m tired of that. We all fall short at times or off track, but that doesn’t mean you become lost forever. Thanks again Zari. Today starts Day 1 again.

        • Zari Ballard

          May 31, 2015 at 2:14 pm Reply

          Robyn wrote… Its almost like he psychic or something. I do think about him often and how he treated me. If he is so happy with whoever else, why keep bothering a ex that you treat like trash? The ā€œNā€ behavior is something I will never understand. His behavior is not normal. Exactly. It’s a game that he simply never gets tired of playing.

          Hi Robyn,

          I agree that the N pops back in at the precise moment that we start feeling better. In my book When Love Is a Lie, I talk about this time that he was actually 2 weeks on/two weeks off. Seriously, he would vanish and I could almost pinpoint the hour he’d pop back in two weeks later. I can easily imagine what the poor girl on the other end was going through. What an asshole. I got so used to it that I actually looked forward to it. It got to the point that I’d hear that tapping at the front door and I’d be like, “Shit! Already?” LOLOL And there he’d be, looking at me as if he’d just stepped out to get a pack of smokes and what am I so mad about?? In the narcissist’s world, this behavior is called “Just enough, just in time” to keep us from moving on. I decided long ago that it’s not psychic, it’s DEMONIC!

          Keep to NC. Don’t answer that door. Eventually he’ll stop knocking and have to go back from whence he came for awhile. Keep buying yourself time with NC and eventually the silence will get longer and longer. I suspect that what actually happens when we stick to NC is that the attachment on the other end (with whoever) gets thicker and thicker because he keeps having to go back there. Eventually, the lucky girl gets him full time. Demon that he is.

          Keep me updated…I’m here to support you, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Brigitte

    March 11, 2015 at 3:36 am Reply

    I think my ex is hovering I went on contact after he raped me. We live in tha same flats but was able to avoid him. I managed 5 months then a mutual friend told me he had asked about me I ignored this and made no contact. 2 months later I bumped into him twice and ignored him. After ignoring him the last timeI bumped into him the following day with his new girlfriend. He lives above the shop where we like, I believe he had seen me go in as I returned into the flats. There he was with the girlfriend he kissed her in front of me! He still attempted to speak to me, I ignored him. I stupidly looked on Facebook he had changed his profile picture to one of them together but not changed his relationship status! Is this hovering? I feel so hurt and worthless he had taken her he never took me out and appears to worship her. I looked at her Facebook there were a number of pictures of them, in one they were kissing! Would he hope I would look? Oddly she has liked all their pictures he has liked the ones of him, ha ha no surprise! He made only one comment on a picture of her saying she looked hot wife. He used to call me wife that hurts so very much. Oh and when he kissed her, it was in the same place he used to kiss me goodbye just through the reception by the lift, with is an odd place he would kiss me there as I would be saying bye and going in the lift to my place. It’s devastating me.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 9:33 pm Reply

      Hi Brigitte,

      I’m sorry you are hurting and I sure wish you didn’t live in the same flats. You may want to think of moving somewhere else eventually or this will go on forever. As for him hoovering, I don’t think that I would call it that because hoovering usually means that they are looking for a way back in. To me, it looks like your ex is simply being what he is and, yes, he may hope that you look and he also hopes that every other girl that he hurt too will be looking. This is what they do – the Facebook thing. Narcissists have routines…I discovered this as well. This is why he kissed her on the lift and made a point of taking a pic of it. This is why he used the “wife” nickname. Mine used to call me “sexy girl” and I have no doubt NOW that he calls every girl that in bed and ALWAYS DID. It’s awful, I agree, but you do know that you need to stop looking. Facebook is a killer and checking on him that way is just a waste of your time. Pretty soon, he’ll be on Facebook with someone else so please stop tormenting yourself. Rape is rape and the fact that you actually refer to it as that tells me that you need to get as far away from this dude as you possibly can. He’s bad news and you deserve to be happy, sister.

      Stay strong and write anytime that you need to. I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

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