The Narcissist’s Hoover & Our Conditioned Response

I need help!!
3 years with a narc. When we started dating, he was amazing. My best friend. We spent every single night together. He was out of a divorce and has a son. He moved in with his mom (still living with her). After a year of us together, we started to get into fights. He would go a few days ignoring me. He would come around and say how sorry he was and how he didn’t want to end this. I was so in love with him that I would understand say it was my fault for blowing up your phone.
Year two came and we were off and on for months. We worked together, so we saw each other everyday. We would still have sex, so it never felt like he was “gone”. End of year two, he left out of no where and I found out he was texting his ex GF from high school. Mind you he is 35. She is married and lives states away. This went on for a few months. He flew down to see her, bought her gifts, and then came back and wanted to work on us. I found this all out and contacted her husband. He confronted her and she said “he wanted me back, I didn’t want him, but I felt he owed me for fucking me over in the past”
Well once she told him to stay away, guess who came back. We lasted for about 8 months, he then at the time still working with me, TEXTED me and told me we were done. I was in an office right next to him. This was in this past July, and the silence lasted two weeks. I emailed him and he came over and we got back together. Told me his new job he was taking stressed him out and he didn’t want to take our drama into it. Well we last about a month after. We went on a trip we had planned for labor day. Had the best time, but two days after we got back, he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me or buy a house with me. Let me tell you guys, we would lay in bed and look at zillow listings together. So the next day after that phone call, he TEXTED me again saying ” I cant do this anymore please respect my choice”. That was this past Sept, and I went cold turkey on him. I ran into him a month later at the store. We went to his truck to talk and he had some bullshit excuse. We made out and he told me how he loves me so much and I was like his drug and that he needed to figure some things out and that he didn’t want to not have me in his life. Well two months went by, and i heard nothing. I didn’t email, I tried to move on. I felt STRONG again. December 2nd 2018, I woke up to two texts from him. I froze. He has always blocked me. I couldn’t believe it. He asked to talk. He took me to dinner and told me how he didn’t feel this depressed since his dad passed. He felt like his life was missing something and it was me. I saw he lost weight (he inst big so he looked bad) he said he wasn’t working out and just missed me. I took him back. We got into a few tiffs, mostly because of our past. He started opening up more, and I thought, this is it, its going to work this time. Ha. I work full time and i made a choice to go back to school full time. I am so busy. I told him that he wouldn’t be #1 anymore until school was done. He was supportive, but would make comments about me not “looking at him the same”. Two weeks ago he came over after he took his son back to his moms house. I was just moody and tired and simply stressed due to my life just being busy. I got an attitude with him was just being a B word. Okay I know it was wrong, but trust me it wasn’t that bad, and im sorry everyone will have off days. Well he literally picked up his bad and coat and left. I texted him and told him how sorry i was. I am never mean to him. Well to this day 11 days later, he wont pick up my calls or texts. He hasn’t even told me hes done. He hasn’t blocked me. We also have a trip planned next month for my 30th bday. He hasn’t cancelled it. He has done this before. Go silent and then will blame me making me beg for forgiveness. Any time in our past if there was an issue he was out of the door. He has NO friends and lives down the road from me. I will drive by sometimes and he is always home. He lives with his mom who DOES EVERYTHING for him. It’s been 3 days since I have tried to reach out. I feel like a desperate idiot. I need advice, my friends who know him and his patterns, think he will come back around before our trip since he cant get a refund and has no way to cancel without losing the money. I am scared. He promised me he wouldn’t do this again but he left once again. Help.

Lived with a narc 3 years. Left him. We “couldn’t live without each other” and got back together in separate apartments for 2 MORE years. He left me (on a holiday) for a final time. An occasional “hoover” occurs, but nothing major. A few times we saw each other…..there are bouts of texting, which I end up cutting off…..with something like, “take me off your list” and don’t hear from him for awhile. A few months later, he’ll text me again, I’ll blow him off……but then spend a month or so thinking about him……eventually, he’ll text again with a “Hi. Hope you’re doing well”, followed by a little “news” and then Peace….or Bless you…..or something nice like that. I sometimes even wonder if he was really a narc….or if it was all in my head…..then I realize, “yes…he IS a narc”…..and I blow off his texts. It’s a little cycle. BUT FOR SOME REASON, I just don’t seem to be able to completely BLOCK him. I get some kind of delight out of knowing that he’s reaching out to me, or that he thought about me, or that I’m not totally forgotten, or that maybe he misses me. I also find that there’s a sense of power in not answering. It’s as if I want to see that he’s thinking of me and that I have the power to deny him…..but the occasional text or unanswered (by me) call is like saying, “FUCK YOU”. It’s like the last little fragile silk of the spider web that I just can’t seem to break. Can you relate to this? How do I find the strength to just BLOCK HIM?????

Love reading these articles they are helping me so much in my current situation. I have been one week no contact, this feels real this time I have no urge to contact him and have managed to ignore every message he sends (of which there have been a few, ranging from cold to hot to nasty).

The thing I am struggling with is blocking his number, even though I have no intention of responding I am 100% addicted to the anticipation of the texts and the high I get from not responding. Also looking at his profile on Facebook is very hard to resist.

This person abused me in every way possible and hurt me worse than anyone has ever done, the only explanation of why I even still care at all is that I have a physical addiction! To top it all off this makes me realise my mum is the worst narcissist I have ever come across, and every adult relationship has been progressively more and more abusive and remind me of my childhood in disturbing ways. I get why I do this but I am struggling with the healing part to prevent it happening again.

I feel like I will be alone with my animals forever if I can’t get myself under control and stop giving myself to these types! Thankyou for this site it’s helping in times of desperation.

Thank you for the blog
I want to ask if the married narc man hoover on his ex affair if he is the one who discarded her

I’ve been no contact now for one week after a four year on off relationship with a narcissist. I relate to almost everthing that you say. I’ve broken off the relationship so many times, and except for the first time t woulsi sit back waiting for him to come back. I really thought i was loosing my mind at times.. When he would go silent the pain would be unbearable.
I realise that the only way i can have clsure is to just go no contact. A week ago i just blocked him everywhere phone, social media etc. I’m lucky we don’t live near and as he is busy working six days a week and had gone silent as he is so tired and in his words “doesn’t feel sexy thats why i haven’t been in contact with you” i think this is a perfect time to slip away without him even noticing.
I think this will not be easy but just going no contact took the pressure of, no wore feeling upset as he was not contacting me, and no more sending messages and then wishing i could cut my fingers of after for doing it! I’m gonna follow your advice and i’m sure this time next year i’ll be so much happier. To give myself a kick start i’m going on holiday with my daughter.

I know that you can’t really diagnose her firstly,but i wanna understand what’s really going on so i don’t really make the same mistakes in other relatioships i described the signs she shows,please any answer would be gladly appreciated i really need help.

So long story short I meet this girl at the road,I’m 22 she’s 22 basically,she was bothered by a guy almost raped I went to help her there was a party near my apartment,we quickly escalated,got her number facebook etc.

We started talking on facebook she would pm me around 11 hours a day,she was really interested in me,she was amazed by my caring personality,I consider myself an Empath,I watched my father pass away in front of me we head a car accident and we hit a tree so sometimes I care way to much and I’m kinda sensitive from nature from the past events.

She shared my music,my interests everything was just clicking so fine,it feelt like I’m living on a fairy tale world or something,It feelt like god gifted me finally someone that I can be in a serious relationship with.

So the background story of the girl is that:Her parents got really early married they probably made a mistake or something,she lives with her little brother and sister,she used to tell me she hates kids in general,it was really weird,her parents basically don’t respect her privacy,home prisoned her so she does not get pregnant,and probably was neglected emotionally by her parents all her life,they never talked with her about her problems or anything.

She studies psychology 2nd year on the University,she was amazed by my empathic traits I listened to her adviced her etc.

She was really open with me shared most of the things,in the first few convos she tended to be really sexual then tomorrow she would test the waters telling me I’m not a ***** we should not talk maybe,I told her I accept you the way you are.

She was a really deep thinker, telling me I was going to use her and ditch her,shes way to scared of starting sth serious,good things don’t last long stuff like that,i told her they will last long enough as soon as you allow them.

She would telephone me at night cry a lot about her own insecurities,telling me she feels internal pain and has no idea why she is crying about etc etc.

I saved her life around 3 times,once her cat jumped out of the window she is really close with her cat loves her and basically I was asleep and she telephoned me telling me I wanna suicide I went to her home at 5 am saved her life,the next time she gets drunk almost got raped from someone,she would do anything that gets attention from people,if offered drugs she would do it without thinking twice it was like she was living for the moment,very sexual but very caring,she would also kiss girls act like a bisexual etc.

So we went out head sex everything was great,we were almost unseperable from each other everyday,she came at our home knows my mom etc,my moms a doctor we really liked her a lot,she would cause everynight drama about a little word telling me I cant love her I will use her etc,and sometimes I even cried for that I think she was trying to gain my trust then she would tell me I’m so sorry I again overthinked she did this around 10 times in total.

At the beginning of the 5th month things started going out of hand,she started pulling off,giving me the silent treatment so called,never initiating contact first,I would pm her she would speak around an hour or two then would leave the convo in the middle run and then again the same pattern followed tomorrow.

So one day I decided to remove all the emotional validation where she told me kisess when I left the convo like she did,she freaked out started threatening me stuff like that.

After that she removed all the emotional validation,everyday the convo durations went shorter and shorter,I decided to ask her a few times what was wrong,she tells me it’s not you it’s just I don’t feel excited about anything lately,I wanna sleep but I can’t and don’t feel like talking to people,every single time I asked she would really get pissed and blame it on me,like it’s my fault,telling me you never understood me etc.

She keept doing this patern for a month no emotions around 1-2 texts daily leaving me hanging,I keept asking her again and again and all I got from her was’’It’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you,if I ever feelt that way I would have told you,I’m just bored idk been talking to a lot of people lately don’t feel much talkative,so basically she lied again the last time she told me she does not feel like talking to anyone.

So after this one day I got really pissed and asked her’’In a long convo what was wrong expressing every emotion I head and her answer was…It’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you,she answers the part she likes and the ones that she does not never answers them.

I told her I see you lack interest and that you don’t wanna talk the question is really simple your answering the parts you like and the ones that you don’t you don’t answer them,I’m simply asking you’’Do you feel the things you feelt before for me??
And she goes like I don’t know,can’t we just change the topic talk something normal without questions.

So she basically is alternately Stone walling me by giving me 0 answers,leaves me hanging in there,enjoys every pain that she inflicted on me,then gas lightens me with it’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you and keeps the convos 1-2 convos daily,leaves in the middle of the convo so she can get a reaction from me and everytime I suffer she enjoys it,I think I was feeding her narcissistic supply or sth.

So I really got pissed and went on NC for about a month told her if you want to have sth with me the door is open.

She told me whatever,imagine after all thos memories she didn’t even care,I was in shock.
In the middle of the 1st month,she pms my mom tells her I love him so much,and I did not react so I don’t shift the power after around 2 weeks,she blocks my mom from facebook and does not block me,but never pms me.

So after a month and 12 days I gave up on NC I was really in pain and pmed her,she answered again half answers keeping 1-2 texts daily.

I invited her out,she told me I would Love to go out but I can’t busy with school,I then told her I really feel bad that you don’t have time for me and why do you even bother writing me anyways tried to provoke her by telling her like she initiated the first chat,and she goes like I never pmed you you did.

Then I again asked if I did sth wrong she goes like’’No you just made a false statement right there’’
Then I ask her how was your day,she leaves the message on seen and starts with the Silent Treatment again,it’s almost the 2nd month I feel really strong I don’t have that much of feelings for her anymore,I think she waited for me to react so I can feed again supplies or sth wanted me to beg and plead like I did in the old times so she can enjoy inflicting pain and feel powerful about herself.

Also note on the last few convo’s i set up boundaries called her on her Lies even doe i head no idea what was wrong with her,told her your trying to convince me or manipulate me”Your saying all the right words and acting the opposite way”Which she denied them totally telling me it’s not true everything that you said,and also told me to not overthink it’s not good for you imagine the gurl that used to cry on the phone overthinking every little stuff,And she tried to play the victim when i called her on her lies telling me”If you don’t wanna talk with me just say it”.

I’m so sorry I keept this so long it’s my first time I just want your ideas guys,what is going on in here,is she Narcissistic,did she ever loved me?,will she ever come back it’s like she does not care,I just want to take my revenge at least once from her telling her how sick she is.
Please if someone could answer this it would mean the world to me I’m sorry again for keeping it this long.

Well my narc has been gone for 8 months and is with someone new he lies about it all the time he messaged me the other day I guess it was his way of hoovering hoping I was doing good and was ok he hasnt talked in about a month I told him to just enjoy what he has now and that he doesn’t need to concern himself with me anymore he hasnt talked to me in a week should I be expecting anymore from him can anyone tell me from other people’s experiences what should I expect

Someone who needs advice

Shay