The Narcissist’s Hoover & Our Conditioned Response

By Zari Ballard

narcissism-boundaries In relationships, the hoover maneuver is a narcissist’s claim to fame and there’s a simple reason for this: it rarely fails. This is fairly amazing given the fact that a hoover, by its narcissistic definition, is never a good thing and anybody who knows anything about narcissism knows this – including the recipient. Why knowing the consequences of hoovers doesn’t immediately deter a recipient from being a recipient can be credited to the narcissist’s excellent conditioning skills and his/her ability to manage down the recipient’s relationship expectations long before the first break-up and inevitable first hoover ever happens. Not only do recipients expect the hoover, they typically know it’s coming, often wish and even pray for it, and, in some cases, can actually will it to happen by using some backwards voodoo trick of their own creation.

I, for one, knew exactly how to induce a hoover and could often make it happen within 2 – 24 hours of whatever little trick I used to do it. I referred to my process as “smoking him out” and it rarely failed as well. I dare say that I was as good at inducing a hoover as he was at hoovering non-induced. My “smoking-out” tactics would vary depending upon the emotion that was crippling me at the time. If I was pandering to my broken heart, missing him desperately and willing to forget the fact that he vanished without a word if he would just come back, my tactic might be nothing more than delivering a weepy letter (if I knew where he was living) either by friend or by mailman or by me, “cabbing” to his apartment in stealth mode, slipping it under his front door, and then ordering the driver to high-tail it out of there as if we had just robbed a bank. In stealth mode, I’d always take a cab and I expected all cab drivers – whoever they happened to be – to fully participate in the adventure!

The problem with inducing a hoover from a place of sadness, however, is that it didn’t always work. After all, what fun is it for a narcissist to return if there’s no drama involved in the homecoming?? In these instances, I could smoke him out by changing not only the tone of the letter (from weepy to pissed off) but the delivery location as well. As we all know, narcissists hate it when our behaviors threaten to “out” them to the world and therefore I knew that sending a letter to his work (but not addressed to him, know what I mean?) or directly to his mother’s house where I knew she’d get to it first would make his head explode. This tactic prompted instantaneous hoovers if for no other reason than to eliminate the chance of a second letter coming!

Yes, there were times where I was an absolute participant in the narcissist’s hoovering game. Guilty as charged. I was the narcissist’s puppet even when he wasn’t right beside me pulling the strings. He conditioned me to react to his hoover before it even happened! Crazy, I know, but then why did I do it and why do hundreds of other women and men just like me do it too? Why do/did we willfully participate when we know/knew that the feel-good rush never lasts…when we know that the relief from the separation anxiety is merely fleeting (at best) when compared to the painful aftermath of the next sucker punch? Considering that we know exactly what is going to happen next, our behavior makes no sense at all!

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My point in all of this is that a narcissist is only as successful as our willingness to participate in his game. When we induce a hoover or wait for a hoover or cry into our pillow wishing it would happen, we enable the narcissist to be a successful narcissist (meaning that we enable him to be as evil as he can be). If we don’t do any of the above…if we ignore the hoover or, better yet, eliminate the possibility of hoovers by blocking him from every angle…if we get on with life and allow his hoover to fall on deaf ears, the narcissist can do nothing other than fall away of his own weight. He literally disappears into the nothingness that he is. It has always been within our power to make him/her powerless! To ignore a hoover or to make it impossible for the narcissist to hoover at all gives US exactly what we’ve always wanted – the last and final word. In other words, we finally get to have closure.

To recover from the pain of this type of relationship, we must avoid lingering connections to the culprit. A hoover, even before it happens, is a connection that we are very reluctant to let go of. Our participation is in the waiting, the hoping, and the wondering of when and if the hoover is going to come. It is our own anticipation of a hoover that allows the narcissist to continue to waste our precious time even while he’s gone. How fucking crazy is that, my friends???

Block the narcissist. Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him or her to contact you via social media, email, text, landline, or cell phone. Change you number if you have to. Once you’ve done this, then whip yourself up a cocktail or two, sit back, and enjoy the fact that you have NOTHING TO WAIT FOR, NOTHING TO WONDER ABOUT, NOTHING TO ANTICIPATE. Appreciate the silence and find your peace. If you are really serious about letting the narcissist go, it’s time to begin taking charge of your recovery. It’s time to relinquish your participation in the hoovering phenomenon. A narcissist can’t hurt you if he can’t hoover!

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68 Comments

haifa
February 29, 2016 at 3:24 pm Reply

hi,

i just broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago. I think he might be a narcissist. It’s been a week since I have gone no contact. I noticed this afternoon he sent me money transfer of $500. I don’t know what it is for but he sent it. He knows I am in financial difficulty and it I feel like I should give it back. If I do though he will find a way to make me feel guilty. What should I do with the money? is sending money a way to hoover someone?
- Zari Ballard
  March 1, 2016 at 7:06 pm Reply
  
  Hi Haifa,
  
  Of course, sending money is a way to hoover. I assume your narc has money which is obviously difficult to pass up when you are having financial troubles. But what is it worth? What are the consequences of taking it? Being made to feel guilty? Being made to feel that you need to do his bidding or take his abuse? Think about it. My answer is to 1) send it back, stay NC, and try to make more of your own money, or 2) take it, stay NC, cancel the account, block him at all turns, and, basically, vanish. He sent it, his fault. You thought it was YOUR money still in the account!
  
  Zari xo
Katie
December 15, 2015 at 1:28 pm Reply

Hi Zari,
First, I want to thank you for all you’ve written about the N personality. I would be having a much more difficult time if I hadn’t come across your blog and book! Secondly, I could use some advice about hoovering and NC. My husband recently started hoovering with texts after 6 weeks of the silent treatment, stating that he wanted to talk. After I didn’t respond to his first 2 attempts he went into a texting rage and threatened to file the divorce himself. We had already talked about divorce, but I haven’t started the process yet. Should I break NC and talk to him?
- Zari Ballard
  December 18, 2015 at 4:28 am Reply
  
  Hi Katie,
  
  Well, I don’t think you should ever break no contact but I don’t know enough about your history together. If you are ready for a divorce, you don’t need to talk to him about anything. Get thee to a courthouse! Likely, he was trying to hoover because it wasn’t working out where he was at and when you didn’t respond, he dropped his mask. Leaving a message that HE’LL start the divorce was a ploy to get you to respond. Since it’s been two days since you wrote, you may have already done this. I know how that tactic plays out. It works more than it doesn’t because they know exactly what buttons to push. But what do you want? Do you want a divorce? Have you been waiting for him to return? Is this the 100th silent treatment?
  
  The bottom line is that this guy is married to you and he obviously moved out to be somewhere else. Your husband has been silent for six weeks. I don’t know any civilized planet where that’s considered perfectly acceptable behavior. It is, in fact, highly unacceptable AND divorce-worthy. What excuse will he have this time? Suddenly he wants to talk? Why now? He’ll probably use the holidays as the emotional hook. Just some things to consider…
  
  Break the cycle, girl. This bullshit will continue until the end of time if you allow it. Think carefully about 2016. Life is to short to waste a single second of it.
  
  Zari xo
  - Katie
    December 18, 2015 at 2:27 pm Reply
    
    Thank you so much, Zari! You said exactly what I needed to hear!! I’ve kept up the NC even though it’s extremely difficult and just yesterday he also emailed me, threatening again to start the divorce if I don’t contact him by a certain date. He loves to give me deadlines…I put a filter on my email so I don’t see his messages in my inbox anymore. It’s a weird situation because we’re very newly married and haven’t even had a chance to live together because he’s not a citizen.
    
    We met online…big mistake!! So this is my first N relationship cycle with him and the first long silent treatment I’ve endured. We still don’t even really know each other well and got married because we were “madly in love” or at least I was with him. During our honeymoon I discovered he was cheating on me (which I had suspected all along) with multiple women and he quickly discarded me after I flipped out about it.
    
    I know divorce is necessary, but I haven’t started the process yet because I still feel like I love him so I think I need to detox a little more. I’ll keep up the NC and see a lawyer soon. Since he doesn’t even live in the US it makes no sense why he’s so eager to talk to me and file the divorce himself. I totally agree with you that it’s a ploy to get me to break NC and also to hurt my feelings.
    
    Thank you again, Zari, for all your awesome words and support!! When I messaged before I was on the verge of contacting him, which is why I reached out to you first. I’m so glad I’ve been able to stay strong and I have you (and my family and friends) to thank for it!!
    - Zari Ballard
      December 21, 2015 at 6:11 am Reply
      
      Hi Katie,
      
      I’m glad to help and I’m also glad that you have support from family and friends! Mucho importante! My suggestion is to get that divorce NOW. There is no need to drag this on any further. This man is a narcissist and an online predator. You are best to divorce or perhaps get it annulled (if possible) because chances are high that he has other wives and fiances all over this planet. No contact is fine but, in this case, a divorce is even better. LOL You seem so sweet…please close this chapter in your life and move on to find someone who deserves you.
      
      You know I’m here to support you no matter what so write me anytime:)
      
      Zari xo
Coming to Terms
September 26, 2015 at 1:23 pm Reply

Hi Zari!

I loved your book, thank you for writing it! What about if the N blocks you? Now granted, I know to feel grateful that he was able to do what I just couldn’t, as I would sadly sit and wait for a hoover. After his last hoover, I had to end the call for a meeting and told him that if he didn’t call the next day when he said he would, to not call. Well, of course he didn’t call. So the next morning I sent him a text telling him I was too good for this treatment and added a few insults that I knew would really get to him and his blown up ego. A few days later I purposely (yes, I know sad) posted a pic with one of his friends (he no longer lives close to here at all) where we were laughing and throng up the deuce sign. Within 20 minutes he blocked me from social media. Though it stung, I also knew it would be for the best, since I hadn’t had the courage to do that yet, and instead would waste energy making sure I posted things that would get under his skin, as he would mention they did each time he hovered. I did not acknowledge the block at all. Then a week later, my cousin posted a pic of me on his page that he liked and commented on, then when my cousin posted another pic two days later, he blocked my cousin. Why do you think that he did this? Again, I know that it is for the best, but my mind does wonder. Did he do this as an “F her, I’m done with her” or as a way to not see me enjoying myself? Thank you in advance for your advice!
- Zari Ballard
  September 26, 2015 at 6:04 pm Reply
  
  Hi Coming to terms,
  
  Narcissist always block you at some point. We’ve all been blocked and most of the time they’ll be the first to do it. They’ll block you from social media, the phone, from email…whatever they have to do to make you feel like a piece of shit on their shoe. Blocking you is all about YOU, not them. It’s a common behavior so I’m not sure what you’re asking. His point is to make you feel bad and to get you to wonder why he did it – and, hey, it works! He’s a narcissist – it’s just what they do. At some point, when he’s bored or he feels you’ve been punished enough for whatever, he may unblock you but why wait for it? The point is to take all measures to make sure he can’t contact you when he wants to. BLOCK HIM from everything…phone, email, social media and be done with it. He doesn’t care. Seeing you happy in pictures doesn’t hurt his feelings like it would a normal person; it just makes him feel more justified in any mean behavior he ever subjected you to. You’re never going to get “one up” on him. Cut the ties that bind and block his ass. And hanging around social media is such a bad, bad idea when you’re trying to get over these bastards. It’s just not worth it and it keeps you in the loop forever. Put yourself first and stop trying to figure out what he’s thinking because that’s exactly what he wants. Say no more! LOL
  
  Stay strong, girl!
  
  Zari xo
lovedagain
September 19, 2015 at 4:01 pm Reply

I’m just flabbergasted these days that I had no idea about hoovers. For about 3 years he kept blowing hot and cold and manipulating me to end the relationship with regret and self blame rather than anger. Then he’d return via yet another communication method and I’d think it sweet that he’d reappear after I had finished things. Thinking this was true love I was always overjoyed to welcome him back. One of the last hoovers he came to my home, slept with me and got me pregnant, before mentioning he’d had a child with someone else during the “break”. But even then I only just began to see something was amiss and making all sorts of excuses, allowed him to hoover me back after he dumped me when I told the “ex”. I finally got away and NC but I feel he got so much fun out of torturing me. Even after he finally discarded me when I miscarried our next baby, I went on writing to him for the best part of a year.
- Zari Ballard
  September 19, 2015 at 5:28 pm Reply
  
  Hi lovedagain,
  
  I know what you mean about the hoovers. For years, I, too, thought that my ex’s reappearances out-of-the-blue with some sweet text, or note on my car, or phone call in the middle of the night were signs that we were meant to be together. Little did I know that they were clear signs that this guy had a sinister relationship agenda that would go on and on until the end of time if I allowed it. It took me eight years before I started googling the behaviors and, even then, I stayed four more thinking that I could fix it. We live and we learn. I’m sorry for what you went through but I’m grateful that you’re out of it. You deserve to be happy!
  
  Stay strong and thank you for writing! I’m here to support you…
  
  Zari xo
  - lovedagain
    September 20, 2015 at 1:12 am Reply
    
    Thank you for your reply Zari. I read your book “Stop Spinning…” and it was one of the things that really helped me make sense of what had gone on. Even my counsellor had said we were meant to be together and I’d got pregnant twice for that reason! Until you’ve lived this crap you have no idea that people like that exist.
    - Zari Ballard
      September 26, 2015 at 4:19 pm Reply
      
      lovedagain wrote...Until you’ve lived this crap you have no idea that people like that exist.
      
      So true, girl! And I’m so grateful that you’ve found the book helpful. If you’d leave a review for Stop Spinning at Amazon, I’d be so appreciative! Keep reading and writing and staying educated…boundaries are everything:)
      
      Zari xo
Kyle
September 12, 2015 at 12:15 pm Reply

Disgusting reading this as its a bad reminder, I’d go to sleep every night with phone by me waiting for her to call. Sometimes she would, often wouldnt.
Aleksandra
June 1, 2015 at 6:53 am Reply

I got chills reading each and every one of these posts. Dont even get me started with the book! My ex boyfriend of 3 years was what appeared to be the most ideal, charming, perfect man. I honestly felt lucky dating him as I knew many women thought he was a catch (very attractive and smart). He lived in another city so we were doing the long distance thing, my family thought he was a catch, he was always well mannered, he knew how to woo the oldies (he used to say to me how he had the ability to get the oldies to like him). In the third year he was pushing me to move down to Melbourne but never once could I picture myself doing so. I always thought I couldn’t live cause I wasn’t ready to settle down or leave my family behind, I will gas convinced I wasn’t mature enough to take that next step in life esp with everyone telling me I’m crazy not to because he is so perfect. The arguing over me not wanting to move means me not loving him got too much so I broke it off with him in October 2010. I travelled and even lived in the UK for a year in 2012 – he text me after not hearing from him for a year “you’re a d***head”, I knew he was trying to imply how I could move to the other side of the world but not a short flight away in his city. When I returned back home in 2013 he got in touch with me to wish me a happy Easter and it rekindled something between us (well for me anyway). His texts were sentimental, he was reminiscing & flirtatious and so I told him I needed to speak to him face to face. He was all for it and was throwing dates at me. I no heard chose to stay one night but he insisted I stay two, so two nights is what I booked. A week before flying I had
- Zari Ballard
  June 5, 2015 at 11:45 pm Reply
  
  Hi Aleksandra,
  
  I’d be happy to offer some advice by responding to your message but it appears to have ended mid-sentence. Feel free to write again and finish your story and I’d be glad to help:)
  
  Zari xo
ALC
May 31, 2015 at 10:11 am Reply

Hello. I just finished reading your first book via kindle and it was a great read. I am a 41 year old man that has been in a relationship with a 32 year old woman for 2 years. Some of the n behaviors are similar but she doesn’t disappear or have multiple sex partners. Could she be a n without exhibiting those traits?
- Zari Ballard
  May 31, 2015 at 3:40 pm Reply
  
  Hi ALC,
  
  Thank you for reading the book and please be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon – I would be most appreciative:) Now, obviously, because you found the book, you knew that the behaviors of your woman were not normal. This fact alone should be a red flag – no matter what she is. We somehow feel obligated to settle for abnormal behavior on the basis that well, he/she’s not so bad I guess and that’s crazy. As for the cheating and disappearing, it’s only been two years for you and, believe me, when our partner is a narcissist, that’s early in the relationship. The worst is yet to come. Do yourself a favor and get out now. Narcissists, in as much as they are clones of each other, may not always exhibit certain behaviors along the same time table. It depends on what they are getting from the relationship and how much they need the supply. Eventually, though, you will see it all. Run for your life before you open your eyes one day and another two years has passed…and then another…and then another.
  
  Thank you again for reading the book – I appreciate you! And please, write anytime. I’m here to support you:)
  
  Zari xo

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haifa

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Coming to Terms

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