Narcissism at Its Core Is the Inability to Attach

When we love someone with a narcissistic personality, there’s a whole lot of head-scratching going on behind the scenes. What IS it about this person that is so…well…”off”? Forget about “good” behavior, why doesn’t he or she behave “badly” in a “normal” way like every other person or partner we’ve known? And why on earth can’t we fucking FIX it since we love this person and do our best to accommodate every little thing?

In our quest to find answers, truth or at least something in between, we’ll devour books, podcasts, YouTube videos, Quora & Instagram posts, memes, articles and comment sections until we’re dripping wet like an oversoaked sponge in the dishwater of our lives. We can’t get enough of the endless information, as painful as it is, and the more we relate, the more we want. It’s addicting and intoxicating, all this “narcissist” STUFF, and we feel emotionally connected to ALL the suffering of everyone. It’s an appetite for our own destruction that is never ever satisfied.

Sometimes we’ll read about someone else’s narc and make a few comparisons. “Thank God my narc isn’t THAT bad,” we’ll whisper, shaking our heads, and, for a second, we’ll even feel better. OR maybe we’ll go full-on denial while running down the checklist of narc qualifications. “Hmm….well…my partner DEFINITELY doesn’t do THAT so maybe he’s (or she’s) not even a NARC!” So many illogical things run through our heads but yet we continue to inhale the info like it’s our last breath and our last chance…and we won’t give up the fight. We REFUSE to give up!! There’s always room for one more teardrop in our sad story as we dig for the most bang for our emotional self-torturing buck.

And just when we think we’ve read it all, watched every video, and jogged in place to every podcast and audiobook, we eagerly re-read, re-watch and re-listen to all of again and again just to be sure, digging desperately in the murky media madness for a shiny new penny of understanding. Surely there was something we missed that would offer up a tidbit of core truth, perhaps camouflaged in metaphor…an explosive little Jack-In-the-Box that sums it all up.

And all the while, deep down, even while immersed in our codependency to hope and our brains filled to the brim with shiny pennies, we do know that while two narcs may look different on the outside, there is a common link amongst the monsters that cannot be denied, even if we can’t put our finger on exactly what that is…and whatever it is, it sure ain’t pretty.

Well, weep no more…because I’m here to tell you what that common link is and, sorry to say, it’s not going to be mind-blowing. It’s really very simple.

Narcissism, at its core, is the inability to attach…there, I said it…and the sooner we realize this, the quicker we can move along. A narc can’t attach to ANYTHING…people, places or things. It’s the biggest and most nefarious part of the DISORDER and it’s completely unfixable. In fact, there’s another disorder called Aphantasia that I discuss here, sharing my very controversial and unpopular opinion that opens up a whole other Pandora’s Box about one’s inability to attach. You may find it interesting. But I digress…

I’m giving everyone an out here so listen carefully.

You can twist and turn and jump through hoops until the end of time and the narc is STILL going to be able to historically reject you, meaning all those years together you rely upon to mean something mean nothing. The narcissist will erase you, plain and simple, and continue to live in their no-preference world. He/she simply CAN NOT ATTACH TO YOU AND ALL THE LOVE THAT YOU POUR INTO HIM OR HER IS NOT GOING TO FIX IT.

I remember that my ex, ions ago when he was the guitar player in my band, would sometimes wear a black sleeveless t-shirt onstage that said “Rehab is for Quitters” and I thought that was so funny. As a narc, of course, he was simply mocking half of the drunks in the room but I found it so clever, perhaps because it half mocked ME and my insane persistence in trying to make him give two fucks about our life together.

Stuck in the suffering, a narcissist’s partner is never a quitter and in this, we’re much like the narcissist with one all-important exception. While we seek to rectify the sadness of our journey, the narcissist DOES NOT. The narc, in fact, is quite content. You see, he or she has a very big secret…the one that I just exposed: that narcissism, at its core, is the inability to attach. Some might add that a narcissist can’t ‘connect’ either, but I beg to differ. A narcissist can ‘connect’ just fine which is why his newest (or oldest) partner is in the mess that he or she is in. It’s the attachment that typically comes after the connection that eludes the narcissistic partner in relationships. It’s this inability to attach that is the pre-curser (and prelude) to silent treatments and sinister head games like Seduce & Discard. It’s the prelude to everything in the relationship that make us crazy as a loon.

As the Grande Puppeteer of our hellish reality, the narcissist knows exactly why we suffer and is dutifully amused at our refusal to accept our fate even as it smacks us in the face. Our ego won’t allow this acceptance because we think we can change the situation with our charm, our grace, our wit…and our loveliness. In the short run, we offer the narc endless entertainment that, in the long run, is very beneficial. Our endless gyrations to please a person who doesn’t CARE TO be pleased AT ALL are highly entertaining as is our blatant ignorance. To a narcissist, this unblissful ignorance is highly beneficial because we refuse to give it up and the games then continue. Don’t forget that, to a narcissist, these games of endless mind-fuckery just never get old. He or she feels nothing and they LIKE IT.

THESE ARE SOLID FACTS.

It’s time to stop being sad and feeling desperate about that which we can never fix. When is this short life going to be short enough that we finally realize time-is-a-wasting? You deserve more than a narcissist can ever give you so please pick up the pace before there’s no time to do better. When you accept all the facts, breaking up with a narcissist is easier than you think.