Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

It’s funny how I always seem to come across the articles that hit home at the very moment I need them. I dreamed about him and the new gf last night. In my dream she wasn’t the horrible witch I fantasize her to be. She was nice and they were happy. She was caring for his children and they were happy too. I felt guilty in my dream for wanting them to break up and wanting him back.

I’ve been really struggling lately with nc and I’ve been thinking about him a lot and fantasizing about him coming back to me. I’m so tempted all the time to check up on him and see if they’re still together. Now, after my dream and after reading this, I feel like it really doesn’t matter if they’re happy or not. He has clearly moved on, and I need to do the same. I’ll continue nc one day at a time and hope someday my mind will be free of him.

Hi! I am 1 week now NC. I was with him for 1.5 years and XX breakups (always over petty things). Last breakup reached a new level of aggression over something I said that he took offense to and as we argued, I remember thinking “what is he accusing me of saying?” He felt justified because I was insulting his best friend when I thought my remark was actually showing concern. Somewhere this week I read ” From what I have seen it’s either twisting the truth to suit their means or they are simply detached and not really aware of what really happened…or a little of both.” We had another argument about 6 months ago that I honestly could not remember saying what he accused me of. This time in our argument or me trying to defend myself, he said that I was a cruel liar and making excuses. Everyone I have known (some for years) has always said I was the kindest person they know. I’m always helping everyone. This whole 1.5 years we have done what he wanted or took care of his needs and never what I needed. I have walked on eggshells which I read is common. All his friends that met me had nothing but good things to say about me. He claimed in our last argument that his love for me blinded him to the real person I am. I have bent over backwards for him. Why would I put up with him for that long if I was such a bad person? I made excuses for his behavior and hung in there thinking either abusive step father or last NS dieing unexpectedly made him act the way he did. (BTW… I did not know any of NPD traits or ‘supply’ untill 6 weeks ago when I researched “silent treatment” and stumbled on NPD.) I think what upsets me now is that he is going to tell all these people (I do not personally keep in touch with and mostly his coworkers) lies about me and how I was not the person he thought I was and whatever it is that he is accusing me of saying that was so evil and they are going to believe him. All to validate his breaking up with me.

I find much relief reading thse posts and explanation to my behavior as well as his. If any of my friends would describe this relationship to me, my advice to them would be get out but yet, I kept hanging in there. I continue to discover things that explain his behavior and also to fear his next move. I am sorry that I gave him so many chances and feel bad for everyone that has gone through this.

Thanks Zari and everyone posting here!

I think this might be the hardest part for me. That tiny little doubt that maybe he isn’t as messed up as I think he is. Maybe it was just that he didn’t love me. Even though he spent 3.5 years saying he did.

My situation is a little different. Like you, I had known him for a long time. We went to highschool together. Were not friends exactly but we knew each other. We had become what I thought was friends about 6 years ago. Mostly through facebook, emails and then phone calls. During the entire 3 years when we were just friends, he said that he had no real relationship with his wife…yes, he was married. In all that time, I never saw any evidence that there was any intimacy or affection between them. He said they were just together for their kids. We have many mutual friends and they all felt it appeared the same.

Anyway, trying to make it short. So things changed, I divorced. He lived 2,000 miles away. We hadn’t spoken in a while but he came to town and when we talked he said he was getting a divorce too. So, things progressed and before long I was in love with him. He said he was leaving his wife. He wanted to get another job, make more money so that he could leave and take care of me and my children as well as his. Not that I ever asked him to take care of us. He said he needed to do all this so he could move back to the same city as me.

He did get another job. I was by his side supporting him through all of the interviews etc. After 1.5 years he got the job but had to move to the other side of the country. So still 2,000 miles away. He has been there for now almost 2.5 years. During all this time it has been on and off. He went back often to “visit his children.” The on and off has been to his silent treatments and disappearing.
I told him I wasn’t going to do this anymore at the beginning of October. It was in a text since he wouldn’t call me. I had been to visit him just a few weeks before and had a wonderful time. He talked about the future and making plans. But he was still married and after all this time and the n type behavior, I guess I just stopped believing he really meant any of it or would ever actually get the divorce.

So…he had not one word of response for me. After 3.5 years of the relationship. And I thought we were friends before that. I thought he was my best friend. He hasn’t spoken to me or tried to contact me once. I tried to communicate for a while…trying to get closure. But he vanished. He was off facebook for a while. But he returned and starting friending our mutual friends….including the ones he knows I am closest to…people he had no relationship with. And just like you said he has been flaunting the wife and acting like he is so happy in his marriage.

Funny….how there was nothing between them for all these years and suddenly she is beautiful and he is so lucky. I think you are right. He can’t continue anything for any period of time. I know the cycle will come around again. It’s just really hard when those little doubts creep in. Those moments when you don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore because everything is so skewed and messed up in your head. And the fact that he has gone back to her in a sense. He claimed to have ptsd from combat and for a while I thought that’s all it was. I really don’t know anymore. So many of the things you describe are dead on and so accurate. Except he never yelled at me. We never really fought at all. We would have conversations about how things weren’t progressing and such. But that is not usually when he disappeared. That was always completely out of nowhere. No fight, nothing. One day we would have a great conversation. The next he was gone. Stone cold without a word. The first time was 2 weeks. The last time was 3 months. And now since October, it is almost 6 months. So I think he is done.

I suppose I’m just writing because it helps to get the thoughts out of my head. But this post came at a time I needed to hear it. I’ve read both your books. I’m in counseling for almost a year. It’s been 6 months since he has spoken to me. Almost 2 months of no contact. Once I heard about the posts he was making on fb I went no contact. I had told him many times in the 3.5 years that he should go back to his wife if he wasn’t going to get a divorce. He always said no.
So after 6 months of silent treatment and 2 months of no contact I still wonder if I will ever be free of this. I still feel like it has a hold over me that I will never be able to shake.

Thank you for your books and the site. I really feel like it’s what helped me to be able to cut contact. It’s really the only thing that makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

Zari,

Quite frankly, I could give a rat’s a** if he is happy now. My biggest desire is for ME to be happy, at peace. October was the launch of this final silent treatment–just before my birthday and the holidays. While I fully accept him for the emotionally and spiritually underdeveloped turn that he is — I spent much of last previous summer by his side comforting him through his baby brother’s illness and eventual death– I can’t quite shake the ugly way his behavior undermined my confidence in myself. God knows we are both adults and it could have been just as easy to have a straight conversation telling me this isn’t working instead of having me spend time and effort planning for trips we weren’t going to take. If you recall, his silent treatment was in the middle of a conversation with him about travelling to Jamaica and then planning for a trip this Spring to Paris. It’s as if in the middle of a sentence he changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to do this anymore.

Do I care about whether he is happy now? Heck no. But i suspect he remains the same, miserable old fart, listening to his old Nat King Cole albums and lusting after young women with big behinds.

His action are reprehensible, unforgiveable and still unforgettable and oh so confusing. Months later, I still find myself struggling to prop my spirits up, get nails and hair done,questioning myself and wondering why me. I am tired of my memories of him.

Zari, I don’t give a damn about him or his happiness or well being. Summer’s coming and I want to be able to laugh myself silly, dance until the sun comes up and enjoy the company of people who don’t bring along a truckload of drama, chaos and confusion.

Diane

Well, I hope everyone here gets to the point where they don’t care how happy the narcissist is–and focuses on their OWN happiness. I am seriously at the point now where I don’t care that much what my ex-narcissist is doing, or with whom. The only reason I even gave my narcissist any thought at all recently was because I was at a party, and a friend-of-a-friend said she was glad I wasn’t still “seeing that douchebag” (which made me laugh, I have to admit).

However, earlier in the recovery process our minds have all gone there, so it’s great you addressed this Zari. I think the answer is an emphatic “no”. Narcissists don’t have the qualities it takes to maintain healthy relationships. Relationships (or at least, the good ones) involve emotional connection to another person, empathy, healthy communication, and honesty. We know, in our heart of hearts, our narcs aren’t capable of any of this! And they never will. Mine in particular had a string of broken, dysfunctional relationships before me. I can’t believe he can be like that all his life, and then suddenly become a better person (especially when he doesn’t see the need for change or self-reflection).

In a weird way, I got lucky that mine was so cagey about his Facebook and never added me on there, so I never saw any post-breakup social media. Even if I ever had been on there, I would have blocked him and never looked back, as I did with my cell. Social media have a blocking function for a reason, use it!

Hi Zari,

I been reading your blogs since 2013 it has helped me so much my ex narc disappeared on me for about 10 months I thought I’d never hear from him again sadly he came back into my life with a excuse of why he vanished. At this point I already been over him and clearly don’t care about him. He even was narcissistic enough to ask me was I waiting for him lol. I talked to him to get a idea of how narcissistic he was and boy did I see through it all it was laughable pure comedy I cut to the chase and told him I knew exactly why he decided to come back and luckily he decided to leave me alone. I want to say thank you for the help these bastards don’t change and do the same thing to the next victim I’m sure during his vanishing act some other poor girl was getting used up now he want to come back and use me again but it isn’t happening not in this lifetime. I suffered to much to go back to that hell of a rollercoaster.

Hello Zari! How are you?? I’m okay I have my good days and my bad days….. Ofcourse! As time goes on it gets better! I should Be happy that he is not in my life causing problems! But when I have my bad days it usually is thinking that it’s all going great with him and her! I hate that feeling!! I screwed up and looked at her page and she doesn’t advertise being with him and there are no pictures of them. I know I shouldn’t of looked and I will stop that I just had a weak moment! Or a few! But he has become friends with his cousin and his friends. Which hurts I know it’s only Facebook but it does bother me, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised that he puts her up to that… So I would see that! He knows I have looked!

I know he is not going to change for her either… But right now I think I’m fighting with my self esteem that he had a huge hand in messing up by lieing and cheating and manipulating an down grading me all the time. An then coming back like nothing happened! It’s been 9 months since we talked or had any communication and I’m getting better. He always comes back no matter what but this time I’m just goin to just ignore him and not respond in any way! That’s where I get sucked back in and then he knows he can do it again and I will take him back.

This girl lives with her parents and has a job making less than him and I think he likes that cuz he doesn’t feel threatened by her like he does with me. I make more money than him and have my own house with a guy roommate who is my best friend. Which he didn’t like at ALL! He had mentioned that I should kick him out a handful of times but I would never happen! I know you remember my story about him…… And your right I do sometimes doubt that he is a narcissist. Just by me telling you my story do you think he is??

Your response is always appreciated!! Thanks Zari!!