Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

Hi Zari. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on my comment from December. Here it is again. I am still struggling with maintaining no contact. Thank you. – Two things … I found your blog some weeks ago and it has been helping me immensely (I left a comment a while back which you replied to, thank you) but I am still struggling with implementing No Contact. I am going through a Silent Treatment at the moment and I am still in the habit of contacting him every day (I slept with him about 4 weeks ago and all was lovely of course and has now deteriorated to him fully hating me which has been off and on for some months now). I am managing to postpone the act of contacting him somewhat but the urge to contact him builds up and up until eventually the feeling is so strong that I give in. I have been keeping busy but he never leaves my mind and I know all of the logic about his behaviour so you can imagine my frustration that the feelings are still there …. they just won’t go away … and its infuriating, painful and difficult to love myself when I can’t trust myself to not want him anymore. I have come to realise that the effects of the narcissistic conditioning have clearly not been broken and I read your blog over and over to remind myself that NC is really the only way. I even want to contact the newest Other Woman (he has a few on the go at any one time) and tell her that she isn’t the only one (she knows about me and gives me evil looks every time but she is kidding herself if she thinks its just me and her). So my first question is, how do I break the conditioning in my head, after 8 years, and how do I convince myself that things are better and that I am happier without him? … This leads into my second question and the content of this blog entry. I have come to realise that the newest edition (he has been seeing her for about a year) has narcissistic tendencies. I don’t know if she is a full blown narcissist but I do know a bit about her background and I know some of her aquaintances and I have had a feeling that my hunches were right and they have been validated somewhat. To what extent I am right or wrong is really irrelevant though. What is relevant is that I am stuck in the thought that he is happy, they are happy, coz I have read that narcissists attract and can actually have psychopathic fun together … and that upsets me and makes the rejection all the more harder to reason my way out of. So my second question is how do I convince myself that the blissful Hell that they could possibly be in, is still just that, Hell? Even though I don’t really wish any ill feeling on him (right now though, I care nothing for her in contrast) it is very hard to move forward if I think that he is happy without me. I guess some part of me wants him to think about me and miss me a bit … which of course, I know isn’t the case, so why can’t I just announce an indifferent ‘fuck it’, let him go and carry on with my life?

For 7 years i was with a guy…i had a hard time during this time…homeless and ill etc…and this guy was very controlling and very emotionally abusive but its just now im realising he was a narc… So he told me he didnt really like sex….even tho he loved himself, thought he was amazing etc etc etc but i was prepared to go my whole life without sex for him……so fast forward 7 years later……i found out he cheated on me with atleast 12 ppl..one girl was very young and he some how managed to be with Her every day for 2 whole years and i never knew…for a few months last year he had 3 girls who all believed to be his gf while he was also having an affaire with a married women……the hardest part was the shock of all this…for 7 years i was clueless……me and the girl lasted 2 years found out the truth ( tho im sure there is much more we dont know) so that’s left him withthe most recent of all the gfs…and he is classic love bombing and telling this ‘stupid’ girl me and the other girl are liers…he always loved to call me a lier…HA!!!!!! She is plastering alllllll over social media about how in love they both are….tho he actually still wont leave me alone ( not in a million years would she believe that) yet even tho i know he cant have changed as he contacts me/turns up at my house behind het back i stil cant get out of my head that he has changed for her and is guna be just perfect to her

A narcissist cured by another narcissist here (if that makes any sense). Both my parents, as well as my guardian parents were all narcissists, which in a way made me a narcissist (all the things done to children so they become narcissists were done to me). I admit being a narcissist was in a way blissful, shallow feelings, no extreme love or hate, didnt care about anyone but myself. I also reveled in seeing the opposite sex cry and being unhappy especially when it was me that hurt them. Then I hit 23 and met up with another narcissist (I didnt know I was a narc nor the fact that she was also a narc). She love bombed me for two weeks, it felt grand, she was rich and pretty as well. Then I finally decided to declare my love to her, I didnt really love her, but only for the ego boost, she gave a positive response as well. The next day after my proposal I started getting bored and thats when the shock came, before I could get more bored of her, she dumped me (we were both playing the same game). I was shocked, in awe, panicky, depressed, angry, hurt, anguished, sad, vengeful (every negative feeling known to man) but also enthralled and infatuated towards her all at the same time. After 2 months of raging emotions the famous “dark night of the soul” befalled me. The most frightening and tormenting 13 years of my life. Though it was extremely painful, just only recently have I realized that it was something that I had endured and had cured me of negative narcissism completely. My narcissism, as corny as it may sound, was really cured by love for another narcissist. Lol. I kinda miss being a narcissist though, since emotions can be quite messy at times and true love is pretty painful. But truth in all am extremely grateful for what has happened. 13 years of anguish was in actual fact a blessing in disguise.

I don’t know why I even care about this…I can’t stand what I’ve been put through. Keeping this short and sweet..He cheated.. A LOT I ran into her.. he promised it was over.. she disappeared for a while.. then reappeared I left for 3 MONTHS he called, texted, showed up crying, begging promising he loved me and it was over with her for good 3 WHOLE MONTHS of this. Threats of suicide etc… I gave in..believed him.. one week later she reaches out to me and confirms my suspicions. They were never broken up…I felt sick, found out he was sleeping with escorts, and tons of women while we were together and while broken up. I confronted him with it his response.. STOP TEXTING ME! and I never heard from him again. They are together and she says they are happy even though she thinks he’s still seeing other women. She will text me randomly just to make sure I’m out of his life fully. I have never felt so betrayed, sick, and played ever in my life and I happy he is now her problem and not mine. I wish the both a lift time of hell.

Hi. It’s been a year since my ex girlfriend dumped me and I’m still having trouble with it. Not as bad but still confused and hurt. People would tell me that she’s a narcissist or a sociopath for the things she did but I don’t know and or maybe she just didn’t care?

I’ll try to make this short but to give you some ideas…

When we first started to date, she would say off the wall things like “I used to date a surgeon” one time and said “he wanted me to move with him but i said no”. This was weird to me, like why say something like that?

When we first started to date she got her own apartment so I would go over and we did the typical dating things. I really liked her, we did meet at work. So, three months go by, I met her family and they had me come over for Christmas dinner. She kind of has a dysfunctional family but I understood because mine is not something to go praising about.

So soon after new Years of 2015 she tells me she has a cyst/ fluid sack on her brain that has been causing her migraines. Nothing serious, and I read up on it at the time and was really concerned for her and felt bad. So she said she was moving to her parents cause she doesn’t like to be alone and to save money. I helped her move, bought her new bathroom accessories of her favorite color to match and so forth to try and make her happy. She told me that we should just be friends after which hurt but I thought it was attributed to her medical problem and financial struggles. So I said OK, and continued to be friends with her at work. She also said that she doesn’t like to date people from work in case something bad happens and it will be awkward. I thought that was very mature and I totally understand.

I really liked her and thought maybe when some time passes we cou try again because I thought we got along great and never fought or anything… so three months later we start seeing each other again. Everything was great, we were having a great time…

She moved back to her parents and I would go there to see her and stay (though it was weird and awkward for me at first because of it being her parents) she told me that I was supposed to be a fling and I was caught off guard. So I asked what am I now and she said you are more than that now. So I took that as great but was hurt that she used me at first as a fling (probably a rebound, plus why would she use me as a fling but introduce me to her parents and have Christmas dinner and meet her friends?) Then she tells me that I’m not the type she typically goes for…? I asked her what is her type then? She tells me that she doesn’t have a type..? I’m confused?

So for three to four months everything was going good. I was building a relationship with her mother, stepfather and her niece that lived with them. I took notice of all the little things that she liked, like her favorite flowers I would get for her when I would come over, little desserts or other small things to make her smile and know I cared for her. I would stay and play with her niece, go to the zoo, color, help with homework, and all kinds of activities… not just because I wanted to show her I cared but I enjoyed it also…

She would say out of the blue things to me like, “Marissa (her friend)says I’m mean to you (me).” I was like OK? Then she said “Frankie (her niece) says I’m the one for her”- caught me off guard but I was kind of happy to hear that.

So she said she wanted to meet her old friend that she grew up with about a week before the fourth of July and I said sure if he’s a good friend I’m cool with meeting him. It was awkward and she was nervous?? The guy was a total scum bag. At the bar he was acting tough around everyone, hitting on married women and outside he tried to pick a fight with two gay guys… I ended up having to tackle him because he was drunk and chasing after them… I told him what was he doing and that did he want a hate crime or public drunkenness charge??? Idiot I tell you. So he apologized and told Chennel the girl I was seeing that I’m a good guy and that I saved him… very childish and immature. So later that night we left the bar and we made love (though she only called it screwing around?) But it was awkward and I thought maybe she was tired or had too much to drink…

So, after I left her house the next day she said in a text that she missed me and to have a good night. (Now at this time, I found a new job and was making really good money. I thought everything would be great because we aren’t working with each other). So three days later she breaks up with me by text saying that she doesn’t share the same feelings and doesn’t see a future together… I was crushed! I didn’t understand why? Everything was going great. Her mom and stepfather said “oh she really likes you but, when she gets close to someone, she puts up a wall and freaks out and that she has commitment issues”.

I then thought OK, that was the problem. She ignored me and wouldn’t talk and thought that she was afraid of commitment. But a week later I had a guy feeling it wasn’t just that…

Now mind you I was so confused and hurt but I went to that same bar that we met her “friend” at and as I walk in I see her going to the bathroom… I asked her ” hey, can we talk and how could you flip like a switch because I didn’t understand” she said ” I can because I’m mean” I said “what? That doesn’t make any sense”? So I asked if she was with anyone she said no but she was with that guy and eventually I left because I didn’t want to get into a fight with him and his friends… I called her and he answered saying she doesn’t want to talk to me and how he was going to take her home and F her… I was so pissed and hurt. How could she treat me like that?

So, I know that I should have walked away but I for some stupid reason cared about her and three months later got back with her…

So once again, everything was going great I never brought any of that up and thought it was in the past and all that matters is that we are back together and everything is going well.

I helped her stepfather remodel the basement so she could have her normalcy back I order. Helped her clean it all up and got even closer to her and her family… her mom tells me that I’m the one for her daughter and so forth… I meet Chennel s real father and uncles and that didn’t go too well… they were weird and drunks… but I didn’t care because I loved her.

So, her and her family invite my mother to their place for thanksgiving and I thought this is good, seems like she does care about me. My mother seemed to get along with her family and at the table her stepfather says to my mom that you have a great son and we really like him…. everything seemed great between us and the family….

Now a week before that, her mother once again was thinking about leaving her stepfather and took money out of his account and put it into Chennels but they made amends and she decided to stay with him… at that time I was supportive and met Chennel and her mom and said that whatever decision they make I will be supportive. Now I didn’t agree with everything that was going on but it wasn’t my business.

So a few days after thanksgiving Chennel and I go to the bar to have a couple drinks and some food. She says out of the blue “I’m like my father, cold and calculated”… I was like, oh yeah (kind of confused that she would say something like that out of no where) and she weirdly smiling shaking her head… so I didn’t know what to make of it… but kind of just brushed it off….

So the next week, two weeks before Christmas…(oh, also, her family invite my mother for Christmas party and ask me to watch their dogs when they go on vacation in January on thanksgiving) but two weeks after thanksgiving Chennel meets with me, three days before telling me she misses me, that ” she doesn’t share the same feelings and doesn’t see a future together” again. Then says “I don’t want to waste time, you seen this coming” “there’s no spark and you’ll find someone”.

I was absolutely crushed. I thought everything was going great between us and that she had seen a future together… why would she give me such false expectations with family getting together for a holiday and her mother telling me that I’m that one for her and there are so many other things?

Then, I find out she starts to see this guy from work like a couple months later… when she told me that she doesn’t like seeing people from work? Especially when I leave. Then, she has this guy living with her and her parents shortly after she started to see him and ever since then she’s been seeing him…

I don’t understand? Any of what happened or why? For a year I went through a bad depression, lost my job and it still affects me. I hate her now so much but I can’t let it go and the worst part now is I will be working for another company in the same facility where she works and I will see her and that guy she is seeing… it terrifies me to tell you the truth.

I’m still so confused over everything, why would someone put you through so much, I know I allowed it but I can’t believe how someone can end up happy and crushing someone else when they knew how much they cared for them… is her actions that of a narcissistic/sociopath or am I just collateral damage from a previous relationship… a bridge for her to get over someone else? Either way I didn’t deserve it and I was so good to her and she treated like shit.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you.

I can’t tell you how relieving it is to read all this. I was with my husband for 8 years and I ended up a shaking, insane mess, taking antipsychotics and unable to even figure out how to rent an apartment to move out, even though I wanted that more than anything. Mind you, I’m an accomplished professional with a doctorate degree, and I had to have my friends physically extricate me from this relationship. I left 3 months ago and am in the beginning phases of a divorce. Suddenly, my husband has moved in a new woman from another state, bought her a car, is plastering professions of his love for her all over social media, and is shamelessly parading her around all of our usual hangouts. He is introducing her to my friends as if nothing is out of the ordinary. We haven’t even signed a settlement agreement or filed anything with the court. I was thrown into a terrified shock. I literally could not understand how he thought this behavior was acceptable. Now I know.
A year and a half ago I began to discover that my suspicions were true and that he was a lying cheater. In fact, over the course of the next year and a half, I slowly discovered he’d slept with dozens of prostitutes and had numerous affairs, including one with one of my bridesmaids. I tried many marriage counselors, but he just kept lying and seeming to not understand why I was so upset. He could not comply with the recommended treatments. I was baffled and hateful and insane. He seemed unable to understand why I was so upset. He accused me of faking it, of being dramatic, of trying to make him miserable. He became physically violent when I would try to calmly talk to him about the marriage. I was literally losing my mind.
At this point, although we were very well off, he’s bullied me into accepting a terrible settlement, which I have accepted for the sake of sanity. Even my attorney advised me to just take what I can and get as far away as possible.
This site and others describe my life with him so perfectly it’s as if someone did a case study on us. The only difference is he never physically disappeared – although he did go mia by phone for periods during the day. But now that I think about it, he would leave and refuse to answer his phone when we fought. I started – insanely- trying to combat this by jumping in the back of his truck or hiding his keys! How crazy is that?! I hated him so much but I was terrified of him leaving me. I can’t remember for how many years I hated him, and yet I stayed and stayed and stayed.
Thank you so much for creating this site for victims like me to take solace in. I am stronger today than I have ever been.

Hi Zari. Two things … I found your blog some weeks ago and it has been helping me immensely (I left a comment a while back which you replied to, thank you) but I am still struggling with implementing No Contact. I am going through a Silent Treatment at the moment and I am still in the habit of contacting him every day (I slept with him about 4 weeks ago and all was lovely of course and has now deteriorated to him fully hating me which has been off and on for some months now). I am managing to postpone the act of contacting him somewhat but the urge to contact him builds up and up until eventually the feeling is so strong that I give in. I have been keeping busy but he never leaves my mind and I know all of the logic about his behaviour so you can imagine my frustration that the feelings are still there …. they just won’t go away … and its infuriating, painful and difficult to love myself when I can’t trust myself to not want him anymore. I have come to realise that the effects of the narcissistic conditioning have clearly not been broken and I read your blog over and over to remind myself that NC is really the only way. I even want to contact the newest Other Woman (he has a few on the go at any one time) and tell her that she isn’t the only one (she knows about me and gives me evil looks every time but she is kidding herself if she thinks its just me and her). So my first question is, how do I break the conditioning in my head, after 8 years, and how do I convince myself that things are better and that I am happier without him? … This leads into my second question and the content of this blog entry. I have come to realise that the newest edition (he has been seeing her for about a year) has narcissistic tendencies. I don’t know if she is a full blown narcissist but I do know a bit about her background and I know some of her aquaintances and I have had a feeling that my hunches were right and they have been validated somewhat. To what extent I am right or wrong is really irrelevant though. What is relevant is that I am stuck in the thought that he is happy, they are happy, coz I have read that narcissists attract and can actually have psychopathic fun together … and that upsets me and makes the rejection all the more harder to reason my way out of. So my second question is how do I convince myself that the blissful Hell that they could possibly be in, is still just that, Hell? Even though I don’t really wish any ill feeling on him (right now though, I care nothing for her in contrast) it is very hard to move forward if I think that he is happy without me. I guess some part of me wants him to think about me and miss me a bit … which of course, I know isn’t the case, so why can’t I just announce an indifferent ‘fuck it’, let him go and carry on with my life?