Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

I needed this article so much!! It’s 6am and I’ve been bawling my eyes out for the past 2 hours. My ex of 4 years and I had a really rocky relationship. We had good times, but I feel like the bad times were so much more. He would always tell me I was a negative person, when I clearly know I’m not. He just wanted me to brush off the bad times like it didn’t happen, and to only concentrate on the very few and far in between good times. Anyways we broke up mid last year and we were on and off after because he would promise me he would change (he was verbally abusive, dissmisive, my opinions never mattered, always tried to make me feel like I was something I wasn’t, talked down on me like a child, etc) And I would always fall for it. Fast forward to December and he started messing with a younger woman who’s 21 years old, I’m 29. Not that I care about her age. But he would go back and forth with her and I, and I finally put my foot down and ended things in February. Tonight I log in back to Facebook after not logging on in months and I see he’s posting pics of her and him…he looks so happy and smiley with her, and both writing cute comments. My heart is so broken and shattered. Here I am crying and hurting since February and unable to move on, and he’s so happy with his new girl. I feel so inferior because I start thinking about what could I have done to keep him? Maybe I’m not cool enough, or maybe I should of just played down how he talked to me, maybe it wasn’t that serious??? Even though deep down I knew how he treated me wasn’t normal. He would be so affectionate one minute, and such a jerk the next ?? I’m so hurt. Any words of encouragement right now would be so helpful. My heart literally feels so deflated ? and broken…Thank you.

I don’t even know where to begin, I was played for such a fool. My ex is a full blown N, I had no idea until now after I have been dismissed and given the silent treatment did I discover that I have been living in hell for the last six years! I often question myself and wonder if I’m really the crazy one? There were red flags from the begging of our relationship, I was freshly divorced living in a new city, finding myself loving life happy- he was my boss after six months he came on to me strong I was 26 he was 49. I fell in to his trap, charming good looking would take me to amazing places always the best of the best. One week in to our relationship we took a picture I asked him if I could see it, I flipped to the next picture to find a woman in a towel. he had some excuse. Little did I know that he was a habitual cheater- cheated on his wife numerous times when he got caught he went with the other woman just to cheat on her with the next than he cheated on one woman with me. He made me feel like the most important person in the world, although he never really did anything for me the craziest thing, he became distant but would reel me back in, anywhere we went were only his places he wanted to go to. He would tell me how much he did for me, but he was always benefiting from it as well. I finally caught him cheating and I left town got myself help and didn’t contact him, he begged me back and told me for the first time in over 3 years that he loved me and couldn’t live with out me, after this did the abuse really start. It was a LDR since I moved out of town, when I would come to visit I would find out all his sneaky shit, dating websites, giving his number out, taking other woman out, but I was the crazy one! I lost my shit over(broke things, threw items-it was bad!) this past year with all of his lies and deceitfulness, so in the end I look like the crazy one. He finally met someone new that is a great supply a bartender with big boobs in her 30’s he’s 55. He sent me a picture of her told me I was disgusting she had a better body than me and to never contact him again that I am crazy. I know now he is a full blown N, but at the same time I’m lost he has given me the silent treatment, everything is posted on FB on how happy they are, I was just with him a week before they started this fairytale relationship. I know he must have been scoping her out for sometime. I’m in no way jealous of this woman I feel truly sorry for her. I just don’t know where to begin with my recover and to be back to my fun loving happy self again.

Hi Zari,

I was involved with my son’s father for about 7 years almost. Engaged to be married. It never worked out. We were in an out of the relationship about 3 different times. If he found out I was seeing someone he would come in and say what he could to win me back. Once we got together finally it was a nightmare. He would abuse me verbally. Like call me an idiot. Punish me by not being intimate. Make me feel worthless. He was addicted to social media and still is. And look at half naked women. Made me feel inadequate. And so on. I finally called it quits with the hopes of him changing. I moved out. With a friend who turned out to be a great man. He knew I was moving out and with whom. Never stopped me and ran me out of the house. I kept this new relationship from him because I didn’t know how he would take it. Well he begged me back I was unsure. Last year around the same time he propositioned me to go back home. We had a long conversation and I wanted to but he backed out and changed his mind. I was so upset. Granted I was in this new relationship it didn’t compare to the one I had with him. Time went on and in the course of a year he bamboozled me into believing or thinking we would or could get back together. By every comment like ” when are you moving out of I think you should move out”! Or have me feel sorry for him and iron his shirts for work. When I would pick up my son. I really believed that we had another shot or he came to his senses. He would say ” slot can happen in a year ” or try to sleep with me any chance he could. Try to touch me and be inappropriate when I asked him not to. So last month I find out he’s been seeing someone I confront him and says it’s not his girlfriend. I felt like we just broke up. The emotions felt like a tidal wave. He said she makes him happy. I’m mortified. He brings her around my so who is now 4. And brings her to his family functions. He is boasting about it. And my baby doesn’t like her. He wants his dad and now it’s caused major problems. He opened up a conversation about us. Just last Sunday. I told him I was bothered by all the actions of his during the course of a year. And how it confused me. He took no responsibility I felt so stupid. He said ” did you actually think I would be ok with you moving back to my house if you left this guy”? What could I say? He said no it doesn’t work like that! You have to move out and be on your own and show me then maybe we could see about being together. Never did I imagine him to day something like that. I was angry. But held back. I said “Why did you ask me if I would leave him then?” He replied oh ” not leave for me it was just meant like just to leave ” I had no words except I told him it was my fault for misinterpreting all the signs. He just looked at me like a confused sad look. As if he knew what he had done but was never gonna admit to it. I noticed a set of keys belonging to his new gf and dismissed it. Later that evening I told him what I saw and said our personal lives are just that “personal”! Not to ask anymore questions about anything. And to leave me alone. He responded at 1:42am with a question about the keys. Totally missing the point. I ignored all his texts and calls the next day. Now he’s rubbing in my face anything he can about this other woman. Asking me to have our son call him on FaceTime only to see her dangling in front of the phone. He knew I would see or hear. It’s like he is so calculated on every move. I’m so hurt and I feel so angry with myself. We were a family and I don’t think it was important to him. His actions show me he’s happy as a clam. While I’m over here distraught. I don’t know how to move past this. If I mention the phone call or how it bothered me he will only do it more. After him telling me a few weeks ago he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me like rub anything in my face because he knows how it feels. I hate him right now. But I’m trying to keep my cool. It’s hard. Because it shows that he got the beat of me.

I’m so glad I came across this website. I plan to order the book. I need a better understanding of what I have had to endure.

Thank you.
B.

my ex of three years treated me the exact same way. we are relatively young, him being 24 and me being 22 so we met at an even younger age. i was the first gf he had since coming out of prison. he definetly love bombed me, coming to my house every single day to the point where he ended up moving in with my family and i.he was so sneaky and blamed every problem on me. at times he would be so cold and distant and then be so loving. ive never met someone so full of themself he would look at himself or his outfit in every mirror we passed by while we were outside. there are really great things about him which caused me to stay. he broke up with me one time after a mutual agreement to have a “breaak” within 3 days!! he started talking to a new girl and then had others and i was so broken. he kept saying he wanted to work on himself and find himself…crap i know… we ended up back together and within a couple of months i ended it with him because i couldnt handle how he was treating me he would say he loved me and i was all he needed but his actions proved otherwise he couldnt keep a job and when he did have one he would only spend his money on clothes and unnecessary things, my parents would ask him to put down some sort of contribution to the house finacially and he would always have an excuse for why he couldnt he blamed me for why he couldnt go back to his grandmothers house because she said he couldnt come back if he left again but i told him to not move back in after we broke up the last time and he did anyway. right after we broke up he was begging me to take him back and saying that he would change and he knows how i deserve to be treated and all these things and we said we were going to work on it and the next day he ignored me and within 2 weeks he had a new gf. posting up pictures of them kissing and all these things. it hurt so much and i was a wereck long story short he ended up cheating on her with me multiple times and felt no remorse i also strongly believe he was talking to other girls at this time too he said he would feel bad if it was someone else but bc its me he didnt. he ended up breaking up with her for me and moved back in (im dumb i know) and he treated e great for a while and even proposed to me. he bought himself a ring to match mine and wore it on his wedding finger and when i asked him why bc men dont wear the ring until ater marriage, he said it was bc he wanted people to think he was married. and me being dumb felt so good bc it means he was really serious about being faithful. he wore the ring all the time everywhere. we ended up breaking up again in November bc he was gone for 3 weeks straight claiming he was spending time with his “cousin” who lives close to me and would get mad at me for asking him to come home or text and call saying that i have a problem with him being with his family which was not the case. i broke up with him and told him to get his stuff and he cursed me out and was so mean. our phone bills are connected and i couldnt get off his phone plan unless he gave me permission to come off and no matter how hard i tried he wouldnt give me permission and every month he would text me to let me know the phone bill was due and that was what he used to get to talk to me, he would say he needed an excuse to text me. we broke up in nov and we slept together every month up until now. i found out that he was cheating on me since august with a girl he worked with and that s why he was gone for those 3 weeks all the lies he told me, staying at work late and working for so long and still asking me for money bc he had none, one time he asked me for money to buy headphones and i said no bc i didnt have it and he was like its ok i know who i can ask..it was her…he told me that he loves her after he was trying so hard to get me back telling me how he misses me and how sorry he is and im the only one for him. ive asked him so many times if he was talking to someone or if he had a gf and he would say no and be soooo angry and say why can ti believe he just wants to be a better man for me, that was his thing, hes working on being a better man for me and he thought he could find happiness somewhere else but he cant and im who hes in love with but he loves her and all these things but shes ur gf tho. after him tellin gme that he was in love with her i found her on fb (fbi status) and i told her everything bc he also told me that she knew he had a fiance and still wanted to talk to him so i felt that she was just as horrible as he was i told her she could have him and let her know that he was still sleeping with and contacting me and she didnt believe me until i showed her screen shots. she broke down and she was the one who told me everything that happened between them he was obviously lying to and playing both of us. she said he talked about me to everyone telling thme horrible things about me and lies about me being horrible to hiom and he was gonna leave me for her when he was begging me not to leave everytime i tried to end it. i told her how he treated me and i even told her i suspected him of being a narcissist and she completey agreed and said she thinks hes a sociopath! she says he hasnt put her on fb or anythiing and i know he says fb is where all his family is so thats why im the only girl hes ever put there. all the things hes done with me he does with her, calling her his wife, talking about going on trips (which i planned for us last year) wearing matching sneakers and stuff and that really hurts but he was still on my phone confessing his undying love for me and how he wants me to let him back in. while were together hes just saying how much he loves me and how he misses the future we were supposed to have and he locves everything about me and it was supposed to be me and him i sent him this long message telling him that i know everyrthing and i was changing my phone number bc it was the only way i could get off his plan and while he was calling me i was changing it so i did not answer. long long story short she eneded p staying with him bc she “loves” him i hate her too.she told him that she forgives him and she wants to put it behind them and move on. i was weak and went back to him twice after seeing him, we slept together and spent the night together andf i cried bc all i could see was him with her and all the things he said and did he held me and apoligized and we kept talking he would talk to me all the time and it was great. he still wears the rings that he got for our engagement , he told her that he just wears them but they were bought for us, she said he never takes them off and she tried taking them off of him one time and put them on but he screamed at her and wouldnt let her. he told me he wont take them off until he feels like im completly gone and were really over. he said he hasnt told his family about her bc she not meant to be permenant buit ive met multiple people in his family im sure she will soon though. when she confronmted him about cheating on her with me he hung up the phone on her and told her if she wants to leave then she can and he was so mean to her but told her that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. however he told me that hes in love with both of us!!wth?? how are you in love with her so fast and both of us? we spent the night together and in the mornig i brought up the affair again and he got angry i told him i wasnt going to talk to him anymore and maybe he should just be with her and we exchanged the fact that we would always”love” each other he said maybe we just have ot say good bye now to have a better hello and he asked me what i really waant he said he wanted me but he just feels like we could never be how we once were and im like that s not my fault! he ended up blocking me and then called a hour later saying hes in the hospital with her but we will talk a little later. he had me blocked for 3 days! i called him private and he said it was bc she was with him for those days… oh he lives with his cousin now btw and he hates living there and tells her that he left me for her and now he has to deal with his cousin so she owes him smh… and said that he doesnt think we should talk anymore until im over the situation and maybe i will want someone else.. and he 100% wants to be with her bc i cant get over the situation, were good for a while and then i bring it up and i should move on…i am so hurt and broken and i just never thought he would ever tell me to move on bc he wants to be with someone else. we go through these periods of speaking and then we dont speak for 2 weeks and then he texts me but i think hes gone for good this time.. she put up a picture of them on her fb and tagged him in it saying i love you and he said i love you babe you make me so happy and i just think its my fault and hes treating her better now, even though she said he doesnt he does the exact same things if not worse to her but idk maybe bc im gone it better? its crazzy to know ill never hear from him again but also good but im still hurting, he really chose her like what did i do wrong. why did i fall for it again and just get crushed why did i mean nothing was i wrong in not forgiving him like she did and saying ill put it behind me he always said he hated the fact that i brought up his infidelities and i would say he doesnt love me bc of how he would act. this one really hurt a lot and i cant understand why he doesnt see how this is crazy. he didnt expecct me to know so much about the affair and be able to ask all those questions maybe i shouldnt have said anything and see how things played out? but he wouldve just tried to keep both of us again, he was cheating on me for 4 months with her and i had no idea, i could never be with him, but it sucks to know he can be without me and chose her. i really am thinking maybe he isnt a narc im up and down and idk at itmes

Hi Zari,

Just read this. Thank you! I am so glad to be free of my ex-fiance but recently found out he had a new victim. It only took him 3 months. I don’t know why it bothers me. I have no desire to be with him at all. I feel bad for her. How long before he starts telling her what she can and cant wear. How long before he accuses her of cheating on him when she just got up and went to work? Comes home early to check on her to see if she has someone there? Offers to get her a new cell phone so he can stalk her every move and monitor who she talks to? The monthly interrogations when the cell phone bills come? I feel like I should warn her. I know he is in the buying her flowers, gifts, taking her to expensive restaurants phase. That will soon change and he will isolate her from her friends and family. Everything will be her fault. He will gaslight her, lie to her, etc. I don’t want any woman to go through what I did.

Reading this helped me to understand why I was initially upset but now I feel bad for the woman. I guess she has to learn for herself. Hopefully she will run like hell at the first sign. I look back now and wish I had. 5 years wasted with a truly sick man.

Thank you!

JJ

Hi Zari. Things must be busy for you, I hope that all is well. I commented a week or so ago to let you know that there are now 2 Yvette’s commenting on this blog entry but I am not sure if it has been received at your end. I was wondering if you had had any thoughts on my comment regarding maintaining NC as I see that you have commented on all other comments but not mine (I am guessing that you thought that you were speaking to the same Yvette when you answered her comment). I posted in December and February 12 (the same comment). I have also sent an email to ask if you think that I might benefit from speaking to you. I have changed my name to Yvette 1 in an attempt to avoid confusion. Thanks again and I hope that you can get to me soon ?

Thank ypu so much for this wonderful article Zari. I was discarded in a very cruel way last May by my ex whereby he kept making excuses and lying all the time about being “busy”. Upto a month before that, he had still been using me for sex.
I have healed a lot from it all, though i still have days of soul crushing pain where it all starts to hurt all over again. I start to see this so called illusion of “happiness” that he has with this new person (the woman I was discarded for last May) and some days I really believe it was me, but realistically i have to tell myself that the same thing will happen again with this other woman. Someone like that will never be capable of real love or compassion for another person