Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

Hi Zari

As im writing this I am trying to believe what you say. I do actually as it really is happening 100% as you say. Facebook friends that suddenly popped out of nowhere. Super happy lifestyle that I supposedly kept him from. But as you said the human mind of victims of an N is such that there are many days I FEAR that I am the only one he did this to.

I FEAR that he will treat or is treating the next woman great and I keep waiting for the penny to drop on her but of course we never know what happens for real other than what he or she projects outside. A part of me knows that like me once upon a time, she will probably hide behind perfectness all the pain and games he plays with her.

I was trapped in a relationship with an N at a young age. I was beaten horribly, abused in all aspects, my money taken away, gaslighted, cheated on multiple times throughout the years. Until one day I did not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. It is so painful to look at yourself naked in the mirror and see a blackand blue body. I spent 12 years in there desperately trying to SAVE him. I just overlooked that I was dying in there as well.

One day I just had an epiphany and escaped. That was 5 years ago but to this day on certain days., it is very very hard to forget or to believe that he will do this again to someone else.

You might say and sometimes I think I am a bad person in a way because I keep waiting for him to do it again so that I would be sure that it was not me who was the problem.

We move in the same circles and seeing him so happy and well adjusted just unsettles me in many ways. The question in my mind is that maybe he wasnt an N. We just didnt suit each other as a couple.

Maybe another woman will do a better job of misdirecting him, or “controlling him ” in a way that he would believe himself to be a god so as ultimately not to abuse her like what he did to me.

There are days that I think I probablydid a bad job of “handling” his eccentricities. That is why he did all those things to me.

Thank you for this. It’s been two months since the discard, which was “give me space & time because I’m mad at you,” and asking me to transfer from our workplace, only for me to find out he’s dating another coworker (which violates company policy) & might have been while we were together. But a month ago told my best friend he wanted to work it out! And the girl was claiming to be my friend the whole time! I think they’re both narcs and deserve each other.

Ugh! So this morning was the first morning in weeks I woke up and didn’t automatically check my phone or felt sad that the N didn’t contact me. I made a major life decisions regarding my work yesterday that was pivotal and everything has been going super well with my husband.

Actually a mutual friend who the N has known since childhood told me that this guy has only one objective, getting women. Non victims of Ns see them as immature or douchey at best. But we don’t trust ourselves and we don’t want to admit that we were attracted to such an asshat. It is like by default we are asshats.

Made plans with friends. I live in a big metropolis city, so I don’t feel like I need to go out of my way to avoid the N.

Anyway, I am walking to the cafe where I am meeting friends and walk through a street party and see him. Fuck! So I say his name, and he looks up and is partially shocked and can’t even be bothered to get up-as a gentleman would-to say hello and greet me. He sits there and we chit chat. So I said ” You cant greet me now?” So he finally got up and greeted me.

I was nervous. Small talk about what is going on. I ask him about the business he wants to buy, “It is complicated!” as everything is with him. I told him it is sad we can’t be friends, and he is coy. I said there is no reason for him to avoid me. I was an idiot! He was like, “Maybe in the future, it will take time.” As if we had some long, drawn out relationship! It was all of two months! Time for what? I said, well, my life is great right now, I am your friend if you want it.

Then his friend came up and was odd with me. The N was like “Look who is here! In —-” As if I were stalking him! Then he basically acted like I was the plague and could not get away fast enough. He had to do “business” with these guys. Yeah right! It was a street party!

Anyway, Like an idiot I messaged him that i dont accept his rudeness towards me and how it was hurtful of him that he sabotaged me on my business trip and then dumped me. I was like, you hurt me, but I have moved on. I am your friend but you are not mine. I have been nothing but generous, kind and compassionate towards you AND your friend. blah blah blah.

of course he didn’t reply. Douche.

Anyway, I am not sure I mentioned before how awful he was while I was abroad, but even he knew and called me after and apologized, etc. I saw him for who he really was, an ANGRY, lonely fucking immature weird asshole. And I truly believe he dumped me because of it. Once these guys let the mask slip, and you see then, it is all over.

I am not a spiritual person, but I do believe in synchronicity. I want to celebrate seeing that asshat today. Even though it was difficult, it didn’t destroy me. I am not sure my recovery is over, but I am on my way. And even just a week of NC has made a huge difference.

i told my friends and my husband and everyone from the outside is like IMMATURE! Whenever I read about Ns it is like they are locked in 8 year old mind forever.

My good friend who has seen me through this whole thing smartly said, “It is almost like he would have pulled your pigtails in the playground.” FUCK! So true!

As long as we have sites like yours, Zari and we have people who get it, we can heal! LADIES! (and men) DO THE WORKBOOK!

I know I will need a couple of days to filter this, but really believing that no, I did not do anything wrong to this person, it is him! It helps. Fuck them!

Pippi! Thanks for your comment! The twin flames. Lame. we are so much better.

remember that it was all a lie.

I am still in a state of confusion re the treatment by this narcissist man. After endless silent treatments and being blocked and unblocked on Messenger, I asked him straight out if he is in a relationship with someone else and he answered that he is. This was only a few days after he had called and wanted phone sex with me. He also called and hung up 4 or 5 times in one night. He then wrote and said he must say goodbye because she is not happy that he corresponds with other women. I had noticed that he had unfriended several of his female friends on Facebook and then he closed his page completely. I know what he is and want nothing further to do with him but cannot understand two things: a) why did he tell me the truth that he was in a relationship instead of being able to string me along by lying, and b) how come he is giving everyone up for her? I thought these two things were against narcissistic practice.

Narcissist are cruel and heartless individuals! I married my Narc 2 years ago. Immediately after we said “I do” the mask came off! It totally caught me by surprise as I knew nothing at that time about narcissism. After 7 months of marriage he abandoned me and I had no idea where he was. I can tell you it was pure torture to the point that I had to go to therapy. He would come see me once a month. I guess by then my self esteem was so shot that I accepted the “crumbs.” Each time I asked him where was he living, he went into a rage! I found out later that the reason he discarded me was because his estranged daughter came back into the picture. He said he had to make me “invisible” in order to have his relationship with his daughter because his daughter didn’t want us together and wants him to reconcile with her mother. I have taken so much from this man. He lies without a conscious about everything! He has used me to a level that is embarrassing. I had asked him to please move back home and he would not. In March he lost his job because he had “personality” conflicts with his supervisor (imagine that). When he got fired and had no money to get his own place, I allowed him to come live with me. I also allowed him to use my car everyday and I brought food and anything else he needed. Well that lasted for 3 weeks! I hardly saw him. He would pick me up from work and he would leave and come back around 9 p.m. One day I really had an ah-ha moment. Earlier that day he asked me to sign a promissory note for $10K. I refused because I may love him, but I am no fool! Had I loaned him the money, he would have just abandoned me later and I would not have know where he was. That very same day we got into a fight because he made a mistake and “butt dialed” my cell phone. I heard him having a conversation with his ex-wife. I was livid. When he came home, I confronted him and he went ballistic! He told me he was leaving and I caught him off guard and said, “hey, let me help you pack and I will drop you off at your ex-wife’s house.” I did just that!! The very next day I called off from work and I went straight to the courthouse and I filed for divorce!! Since he got served he has been emailing me and I have ignored the crap out of him. Now he wants to talk? His time to talk to me has expired! I know it hasn’t been long since NC, but I’m feeling a little power right now because I’m ignoring him as he has done to me many times, and I’m moving full speed ahead with divorcing him. He claims he wants to stay married, but I know it’s not for love. It’s only for me to be his fall back girl. I wish him good luck out there, because right now his looks have diminished, he is unemployed, and he knows he will never get another woman like me. NC is hell, but it will be worth getting him out of my life.

I wonder if anyone can help me figure out if I am dealing with a narcissist. I am trying to figure out if I am just being paranoid or if I am the crazy one here. Have been reading this blog for about 6 weeks now. Very helpful.
So let me try to get this out, because I am both sad and confused at the same time.

A little over two months ago, I was working at a trade fair for my industry, and this intense man came to my table and I was talking about the product. He found out I was married, and asked me “Are you still in love with your husband” It was as if he were the only person in the room. If anyone has ever seen True Blood, it was seriously as if I were being glamoured by a Vampire. I had other clients, I ignored them. He was intense and was just starring into my eyes. I felt blindsided. I invited him to join my group after the fair for dinner. He showed up.

So being a push over who can’t say no, I gave him my phone number. He messages me the next day about how incredible it was to meet me. Ii told him, “Hey, you are very interesting but I can only be friends, I am married.”

I should add that when I met him, my husband and I have been on the verge of divorce due to mutual neglect over the past 3 years. My husband and I work a lot and our jobs have interfered with our marriage. There hasn’t been a lot of affection lately.

So we were messaging each other, about our common interests—which seemed like we had everything in common.

We met two days later and again, super intense, he was into everything I like, we were talking about what we want in a partnership, we barely talked about me being married. He brought me a present. And he walked me to my car and we kissed. It was a very intense thing for me because I am married but also it was just intense.

For the next two weeks we were either chatting or calling all the time. ALL the time. We were like twins, so it seems. He would say he wanted to meet a girl like me, or tell me all the time he likes me he wants me etc. He was intense, told me I was like fireworks, all the charm and romance. We saw each other again, we were kissing and holding each other for like 5 hours. Again, super intense. I told him I didn’t want to be his lover, that if we were going to be together we would be really together and that it would have to take time.

Then the next day, I said, I am not sure I can do this, I don’t know what I want, and he said “I don’t want anything” And he more or less quit contact except every 23 days he’d said me a smily face or a photo or a curt “Hi” So I finally reached out and said, “Look, I thought you liked me I thought we had this connection.” And he told me yes, i do like you. I promise we will talk soon And so on and so on. This went on for two weeks. It caused me a lot of anxiety because I put so much energy and hope into it with the belief that this was the guy, and he was feeling the same, that is exactly how he presented himself.

So finally he calls 2 weeks later. He needs help for a “friend” a 23 year college girl, who is “Very important” to him. BTW we are both in our late 30s. They had a thing a year ago. He helps her. He tells people that he is working in my industry-he doesn’t, he wants to-he lives with his mom. has some daddy money. Anyway, he wanted me to help her with some questions for a paper, and made it super ridicules and dramatic, when she just needed to email me with questions. So I felt this was not about this girl, but about him letting me know that there is another person who likes him and that he likes. Is this a triangulation?

We made plans to meet “as friends.” We meet at his place of business. And of course we end up kissing and holding each other. It was nice. We start making all these future plans together, for travel or living. He seems to encourage me to leave my husband, be free, etc. And I am thinking, yes this is the route I want to take.

The next time we meet we spent an entire day together, it is super intense as usual. During this whole time he’d not contact me for 2-3 days at a time. I don’t worry because we both have lives. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my home life. And I have serious deadlines with work.

I run into him randomly in the city, and I ask him to walk with me to to two shops. We go to the first for me to pick up an order which was not ready. He got really angry about it, saying how stupid they are and how rude that was. I personally did not care because it wasn’t urgent. It was odd. Then I take him into my friend’s wine shop, a friend I haven’t seen in months and did not expect to see, and while I run into my friend the N literally runs out of the shop and goes and sulks on a bench. I find him and ask him if I did anything wrong, why did he run out like this (this is like what a toddler does) and he told me in moment of clarity-“I am a really angry person.” I ask if I did something and he told me yes, but then changed his mind. It was odd. When I ask about his anger issues, he said “No, I am a very calm and quiet person.”

We end up one night going to dinner the next day with a mutual friend. It is kind of awkward because we aren’t going as a couple. I was talking mostly with our friend because I had seen this man earlier and we came togehter. He starts acting really weird and whiny about me paying attention to our friend, and also because he and I were talking about personal things in our lives. I have known this friend for about 8 years. Nothing unusual. After the dinner, I am in the car with him and he starts berating me about sharing personal details about my life with my friend and also how rude it was that he was ignored and how would I have felt. It was really hurtful and I cried. We end up going to a wine bar where his friends are, and it is “fine.” His friend comments on us that we look like one octopus because we are holding each other so tightly that we look like one entity. In retrospect, this was odd, but at the time I felt like we were moving forward.

I invite him and mutual friend to join us for a BBQ. I made sure to pay attention to him the entire day because of the previous night. Everything was nice. He started trying to convince me that I should be a mother (I have never wanted children because I was severely neglected as a child and am afraid I would be like my mom). And almost convinces me, but then suggests i do it with him, that we should have a baby. ALARM BELLS. Anyway, I am taking this as a sign that he wants further involvement with me, and maybe it is time for me to think about what to do about my home life. I had fun that day with other friends. But another weird thing was someone told a joke and I was laughing. and I happen to be a snorter when I laugh. And the N started snorting too, and our mutual friend told him to STFU, you are only snorting because she is!

I see him a few days later. We had made plans to meet for one day but he changed that date. he had “plans.” Okay, fine, we meet for lunch. He was cold as ice. And I was really upset, and even cried, sobbing actually. he told me to “behave.” One thing that was odd was that he decided we should eat outside in the sun. After lunch, I asked if we could go inside because I was getting sunburnt, and he refused, so I went and sat alone inside and read a book while he read his outside in the sun. WTF? Are we five years old? When I left him, I kind of knew it would be the end. But I held on. After all, i had put so much at risk, I didn’t want to just forget it.

So we message randomly and talk. Very superficial.

I have a major business trip the following week, Something that was very important for networking and also I was speaking. We talk before I go (it is in another country). And I said, ok, we will be in touch and I will see you when I get back.

Boom. first day there, he is already messaging me. Then calling me. He starts to get this college girl involved. This is when it gets even crazier.

He called while I was speaking. Then I called him back two hours later. He was nice for a few minutes, we were chit chatting. then he brings up the college girl, had I gotten her email, she needs the answers right away, please go do them. So I did. He was very nice and polite about it, so i didn’t really think about it.

The next day, I had a bunch of business meetings. I met a woman from this girl’s town who is in the same industry and, being a nice person, I put them in touch.

That night the N calls me and goes crazy because I sent this girl a second email. telling me he instructed me to only answer the first email, that having extra contact with her was wrong and invaded his private life, how special she is blah blah blah. How then told me he separates his friends from each other and doesn’t want them to know is mom, brother, family or friends. Even with me. His relationship with me is “private”. So this is about 45 minutes. I was BAWLING at the end of the conversation. I sent him messages about how sad he made me, that the worst part was not having anyone to talk to about this. then he calls me back and says “you can talk to me” I couldn’t though. I was blabbering and crying. I feel like he was trying to sabotage me. I need to add here that a few months ago i experienced what can only be called a nervous breakdown while visiting my family over Xmas. They did not care about the pain I was in physically (I have a chronic illness). And the left me alone Xmas eve, Xmas and the week. So I stopped talking to them, because even before I met this N, I had been reading and reading about them because I think my dad is one and my sister. I think that with the serious neglect I survived has made me a co-dependent that actually wants this types as BFs or friends or anything. It is addictive and also seems to reinforce my sense of worthlessness.

When he called me back, I could barely talk, I had this same feeling of drowning. So of course he had to go. He finishes by saying, “Oh, wow, you are much more involved than I am”

Next day sends a message “how are you today?”

And I answered honestly. So we chat for thirty minutes and he has to undervalue my feelings of pain and loneliness by telling me all this psychobabble crap about reality this, blah blah blah. real friends would just let me vent.

the next day while I am at the airport, he calls and tells me how wrong with both were from the beginning. I was actually feeling okay, but in essence he dumped me.

I was ready to go no contact, but he had some of my possessions that I wanted. So I got in touch and he made it a fucking hell to get these items. And had to call and make sure I knew he was busy meeting a “friend.”

Within the two months I have known him he has gone from working two nights a week, quitting a very high end job offer where he worked for one day, deciding to buy a house with daddy money, then deciding to buy a business, then deciding he doesn’t want to work at all, then back to buying a business.

When I met him he knew who I was. I have a reputation in my industry and he seemed like he was going to do this job as well. He told me when he saw me in a room of hundred of people, he was drawn to me. Well, I had been crying that day. Looked sad. He targeted me in my opinion, and me being married made me more interesting.

and the moment I broke down, like really let it hang out, he was just done. But we talked, i called him. We made plans to meet for coffee, but he had to always make it for 15 minutes cause he was now so busy. He called me to cancel another time after we made plans and made sure to call me right when he was meeting a “friend.” at a really touristy area in our city. He has a thing for foreigners. I am one, too. Then tells me his plans. It took 2 weeks!

Today I finally went to this place of business because he canceled so many times, i said just take my stuff to your work. He was there. Then we had 2 minutes of small talk. I have another major work even this week and he asked me when it was. I am afraid he will try to sabotage me, just like he did when I was on my business trip. Not even my husband would call me that much knowing my nerves. He also had to tell me his week plans, throwing in a and on Tuesday i have “personal plans”

In my opinion he has new supply. And he used me for supply, trying to get me to break, to conquer a taken woman. And he almost succeeded if it weren’t for the 3-4 times I saw his rage. He always acted like he was this quiet and harmless guy, no drama, etc. But I have friends of over 30 years. Longterm friend that don’t create this.

I don’t really want judgement about being married. I am seriously confused and sad. After seeing him today, I am going NC. Anytime I hung out with this guy, I felt drained an sad, and like MANY posts say, I didn’t understand how I went from perfect woman to nothing so fast.

My husband knows, I told him. And he was actually receptive to me, and he knows that over the past month, I have been really waking up to the idea that I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes me sad, intense and attract wrong people. He has been surprising me lately with how great he is and open.

I am reading the books and the blog, and for the most part, he seems to fit the part of an N. The love bombing, the devalue, the discard cycle. The mirroring, the super intense stairs. The projection of anger. And just all the red flags I didn’t listen to.

Going NC from today, but still secretly hope he contact me so I can not contact him back. It is stupid. And anyway, I think he has new supply anyway. I am starting to understand though. A normal person who has a new interest will be honest and just say, “I am seeing someone else.” Instead of the cat and mouse thing where he is just having to do “personal” things. When I used to date, before my husband, that is how men were. And I was like that. It shows me that supply really is the ultimate objectification.

So am i just being paranoid and reading all these articles but no backing or was a dealing with a real N or sociopath at least? I need help because I don’t want this to happen again. I have always been susceptible to toxic people, women, men, work. And I just can’t anymore. But in this case, I feel rejected firstly, and stupid for putting everything I have been working on at risk. Especially how I value myself.

I know that I did something wrong because I am married but I feel like being married and being a person who feels no self worth is exactly what made this guy target me.

Any tips or advice or words are welcome.

I have a question. When a narc likes a post with the image of an elderly couple where is is written: “Beautiful image. Unfortunately we don’t see it very often anymore.” What does this mean?
Does it mean that they are really looking for an enduring relationship?