Letting Go of the Narcissist Abuser

Reading through your blog has been so helpful. I’m still at a place where I’m contacting the N in my life, but I am getting to place where I’m understanding more about him, about me, and about how to let go of what I believed was real. Some days I feel so strong, other days it takes all I have to not have a meltdown.

Thank you again. It helps me so much on my worst days.

Filed for divorce from narcissistic w paranoid delusions Feb 5, 2016. Wrote this today March 2, 2016:

What I thought You Were

When i first met you, I heard your song
It danced with my song
Your voice, the smell of your hair, the touch and taste of your skin, my lips gently upon your neck, delicately brushing yours for long moments, letting the love and peace dance across our entangled fingers.
I wanted to hold you forever, to be your blanket when you are cold, your pillow when you needed rest, your bed when you needed love. To be able to give to another is the greatest gift of all. But some vessels are empty and what
you thought was reciprocated was what you spilled on the ground from your joy of giving and no matter how much is poured into the vessel, it will never be filled and you can only pour until the inner sun begins to fade, and both vessels are cracked and empty. But the seasoned scarred vessel of the giver has a bottom and with rest, peace and forgiveness will fill again in time not to pour but to fill to overflowing so it is always full.

Hi , I hear all of these stories of the brave and it empowers me. I would like to share briefly my story. 20/years ago I met my N and I had a very powerful experience w him and I fell head over heels. However back then I was at a point in my life where I had my shit together and he was living with someone at the time. So even though I still carried a torch, I ended up marrying and having to kids with a friend of his and my N and I stayed close friends. It didn’t work out with the friend, he too was toxic. Now I was a psych major and did have some knowledge about PD people but I just didn’t know . Anyway he was there for me every step of the way for my break up etc. Now but this is important. Over the years he would do really messed up shit and I would always end the relationship. We almost 3 years ago picked back up again because another close friend of ours died. Well we also picked up the romantic relationship again. Now I want to say that this part went EXACTLY as any other narc relationship starts out. Here’s the important part. Zari you said that N s do not just go after people that are emotional messes , low self-esteem people….. I’m going to tell you why this is so TRUE. My entire life was initially filled with low self-esteem and being a door mat. Well I turned that all around. I realized my ex was still controlling me and I went on a spiritual journey and became a Reiki Practitioner. I lost 80 lbs and I really after losing my home , job, cars basically picked back my life again. So ….when I was walking around in this state is EXACTLY when my current N , yes the 20 yr bestie, moved in for the kill. In the last two and a half years. I lost my new condo I was renting, custody of my kid’s, I’ve been living back in the city I grew up in w relatives, no job to speak of, my son is autistic and I had to pull him out of a great school district. I see my kid’s but they now live w there very toxic father. So do you see. I have become aware that John ,my N, has a NPD around six months ago but it really sunk in heavy the last month. He also through me out of his home in middle of a blizzard at ten at night. Two feet of snow on the ground and fifty mile an hour wind. That’s not what did it though. It was when he turned to look at me while he was shaving with no remorse and I saw how EMPTY he was inside fir the first time. Oh also did I mention that I now drink every weekend with him and snort coccaine. I never had any type of addiction before him except food. I am not fully out YET. I have relapsed but I changed the little decisions and that seems to be working. I was definitely the best delicious milkshake he had but as soon as I stopped telling him how great he was he pulled back and got bored. All great for me. I was also sucked in by our spiritual connection. I do believe that he and I have at the bare minimum shared lives together and I have had trippy experiences with him and I do believe STILL that he is my Twin Flame but……here is the kicker. You still can’t change a Narc !!!! Even if they are your twin. Love you enough to move the fuck on !! You can still love them unconditionally but do it from a distance !!! Please …I’m not out but I am , if you know what I mean. They are walking heroine so yeah it’s Fucking hard but I’ve been through worst.

Just so u know, I haven’t disappeared on u, I’m still at home, still missing u desperately, still in love with u, and still wish there was a way for me to show u that every single bit of the things u say, such as I don’t love u , and that I been with someone else are untrue. Not for a second have I been with another, not for a second have I stopped being completely in love with u.and not for a second has my heart not solely belonged to u Ashley. With all my love -chris- th………….
This is the love note Mr phyco emailed me what crazy psychotic ass ugh I hate him I keeping rocking rocking fucking hard crook l for my kids an my self sadly I’m having a miscarriage with the twins but I have sorrow but it’s a good thing also it better then knowing I don’t have to deal with phyco an knowing I’m not having kids by narcissistic phycothathic fucking bastard an even as my heartache still keeps coming I smile life’s funny some time

I have so moved on from him I ignore him an i changed my number I blocked him I want nothing to do with him I didnt plan on having more children after my third I tied my tubes I’m just 1 out of those 10 people who gets pregnant when they get them tied After I graduate I’m planning on moving to Arkansas with my dad I running far far away from him he will not ever see my children or me again I’m glad I got away from him when I did took me to break down completely an utterly to realize something wasn’t right I let him have contorl over me when i finally ton thst contorl back there was nothing keeping me there

I am currently right now and the moment of getting rid of a Narcissist in my life whenI met with Narcissist I had been clean for meth since I was 13 and 24 I started doing meth with him I had a boyfriend or a guy that I talk to you you took care of me he bought me everything I pay my bills and but he wasn’t the guy was married and i spent all the time whith Narcissist and all the time with developing feelings for him and I and basically controlling me to wear that point that I didn’t even notice one day I had StumbleUpon something kour gay neighbor couple who lived up there stairs around the corner and one of the men were looking at him like he was ready to choke down his penis and licking his lips so I confronted him bad choice are you fucking them we faught admit it fir weeks i just wasn’t convinced we broke up he disappeared on me so I don’t know at least a week or two baby is crying upset and texting an telling them to give me back my boyfriend and so he came back acted different for a second then he was back to normal and then slowly but surely like I started slacking on cleaning and on paying attention my kids cps was called on me my son got a brick dropped on his toe I just don’t care I was sitting around with him smoking meth in all the while me not even knowing it he concocted a plane to destroy me be to make sure everybody knew that he destroyed me C he completely obliterated all my friends I didn’t talk to anybody I didn’t go anywhere in the then I started like giving him some intuition and my higher spirits and told me but surely I’m starting to realize that he was having sex with this gay couple and then the guy that I dumped for him he got him to join in to my destruction so this is how did they get he set there and he told me that he wanted to be with me and he didn’t want to share me so he made me break up with that guy I lost my apartment I almost lost my children I lost my sanity on back and forth on whether he was cheating on me with that he was lying and and just we would break up and he would disappear in and he would be gone and then he come back and be gone and come back to h so recently he moved into his mom’s apartment and I have been over there for like a week or so and like I just kept noticing that he would be weird he was going to the bathroom with his phone of course cell phone Game and he would be on it and he would be texting and then I would see him to delete stuff and then see him delete more then heI say what i didnt delete nothing I’m like I’m looking at him and I’m like yes you did so I was just weird that started noticing really weird things about him sexually and so here at the moment they have initially succeeded in breaking me down hole completely getting off drugs they infected my body with parasites also my children and I am also apparently I am pregnant with twins of his he was trying to kill them continuously having sex with me cumming in me I’m guessing he was hoping that the parasites killed the babies like that how much he didn’t give a shit about us and still right now I have an undying love for him but I have hatred and he did the whole phone game with me again for like the 20th time he sleeps on the weekends but I know that’s not true because he’s always awake when I’m around the understanding when I leave he’s sleeping all weekend ok dude but I have finally free my mind from his N thumb no drugs getting rid of parasites an going back to school this is all cause I confronted him about being gay yet I still don’t know how to stop loving him trying to make up an excuse if why he did it if I would have did this an that an i know I couldn’t have done anything different I had been down that raid be for first time took me 5 years to excape to me ten months to realise this time ugh is so hard

Oh my goodness….reading all these posts, it’s like seeing the last three years going before my eyes 🙁 I have most definitely been involved with a narcissist and I feel as if I’ve been ‘hung out to dry’ a shadow of my former self.
The utterly sad thing is…I would go back if he asked, despite all the shady behaviour, numerous red flags and poor treatment.
What the hell has happened to me and my life; I feel duped, manipulated and ‘played’ BIGtime.
Don’t email me, I’ll read any comments here…I think i’ll dl the book on Kindle and cry!
Thanks for the info…..(could have done with it years back 🙂