Letting Go of the Narcissist Abuser

This is soooo WOnderful Thank you!

Would love to read your book as well. Is it available on amazon?
I need all the encouraging words that I can get right now.

very best,
Tatyana

For me, I researched all I could, I learned yep that’s him, I doubted myself with what if I leave and he isn’t that? back and forth with the it’s all my faulth, then i just said i can’t do this anymore. I realized i had great sisters who said “would it matter?” The truth was, he had cheated and even if i say i forgive him, i don’t want to trust him again, I see him in a different way, i don’t want to be part of this maybe real maybe make belief life, he treated badly because he was so frustrated with me, my fault. I started to look at him and anything, i mean anything he would say to me would pretty much be a lie wether i had proof or not, would it matter, i felt it, and if i was wrong? The truth was still i didn’t trust him and he never gave me reason to trust him, but plenty not to, i tried to understand why would someone be like this, the end it doesn’t matter, I am not this person and i will not become him, which is exactly what was happening, i would rage, and get so frustrated, i would lie instead of having to deal with his bs, So why would i want to be with someone that when with them i felt this way, no matter him, or me or situations, doesn’t matter it was how i felt!!! And i was unhappy end of story , i deserve to be happy and as scared as i was of moving forward, i push dougt out of the way. Nothing good will ever be for me if i stayed, or if i didn’t feel deserving enough.

Wow. I just found your blog and it’s REALLY GOOD. I’ve been ravenously devouring everything I can on this topic and have ingested an insane amount, so that’s really saying something!
I have struggled unsuccessfully with the concepts of ‘mindfulness’ and ‘being in the moment’ for way too long. But you definitely put it in a way I could actually kind of grasp for once – a way that didn’t piss me off for lack of ‘getting it’ before.
My problem is, I AM still enmeshed with my exN in many ways. Even though it’s been almost 2 years since my discard, I have to deal with the legal bee-ess of our divorce, finances, custody, and all the rest of the fall-out literally daily. I’m in a terrible situation with no help or attorney (or money) so I literally have no control over my life and am subject to the whims of the narcissistic abuse by proxy practically all the time!! I KNOW I need to be rid of it all to move forward but I’m very limited in what I have control over! (And my God – the kids – oi.)
HOW do you get through the unending hell of the process and keep your sanity??

I met a toxic narc on POF 12/15. A liar from the second date,with numerous.profiles, followed by infidelity and constant deception.

My wake up call was getting phoned by a woman he was also dating, who got into his phone, discovering six other “exclusive” girlfriends.

Shortly after, yet another woman surfaced. I knew there were others but he always denied it, saying I was paranoid (due to the past cheating, which he denied but was verified by the other woman). had a new Facebook friend, who was friends with a woman I never met. My guy had said he had 1 date with her but they didn’t click. Logging on, I was stunned to see that woman, posting about MY boyfriend by name, with roses he gave her, gifts, etc. He was dating her for 9 months while with me, and not casually–they took a trip together! When I confronted him about the deception, he said I was crazy and why was I jealous, it was just sex! Yet he never gave me a single gift or remembered special days with me, which led to several fights. Yet he never corrected those issues, and now it’s obvious why. I was good enough to use but not to treat like a real girlfriend! I treated him well, and lovingly. That did hurt, and he is history. Now he is bad mouthing me to friends as his crazy jealous ex, but they are on my side. Some knew of the connection and we’re concerned.

Don’t waste yourself on these monsters. They are nothing but drama with NO benefit.

I can’t thank you enough for your site and your books which I have bought and read, it’s been about a month of no contact for me and even though I thought it would get easier my mind still goes back to blaming myself sometimes for the relationship not working out… I was the one who initially ended it and asked her to move out, she was still married “separated” and also had 2 year affair with an ex boyfriend, 2 weeks after she ended it with him is when she started to pursue me. We had one lunch (we work together and I have known this person for over 8 years) and 2 days after we started being intimate. We would constantly keep contact by either texts, emails, phone calls and her regular visits to my house, after a few weeks she mentioned she wanted to get married after she would divorce her current husband, a week after she said she was being physically abused by him and she was moving away, I asked her to move in until she could find a place for her own and her daughter so within a couple of months of seeing each other she moved in.
My gut feeling was always uneasy as if something was wrong, I kept telling myself that what’s wrong with giving this a shot and at least say that we tried so we continued on… certain remarks, looks, comments would make me think twice about her during all this time. She never stopped contact with her ex or husband which she claimed to be terrified of. It got to a point that my head could not handle it, one night she claimed that she had a last minute kids pool party and wanted to take her daughter, I knew it wasn’t true because her daughter looked sad as if she didn’t want to go… I snapped and when they came back that night I asked her to leave, I keep playing that night in my head every day ever since it happened last year.
I keep telling myself that this was for the best and if our relationship kept going my bond was just going to keep getting stronger and make it harder to see what’s right in front of me. I am an empath codependent due to early childhood issues with my parents never being emotionally available (my mother suffers from chronic depression among other mental issues). I have read from top to bottom your books and posts but I always wonder if my ex narcissist (she fits almost every description perfectly) would have made it work with me and make the relationship better… when she left she said she wanted to stay together and hoovered me back only for her to have enough time to find another old and new supply then dumping me afterwards.
I have been in many relationships including a divorce from years ago and break-ups although painful it just never felt this intense, I am working on healing and I do realize that it also takes time and it’s a very slow process but thanks to you I can always come here to read and learn more, thanks again for your support to people like us.

Hi Zari, i wanted to ask you a few questions and tell you about my story.

My ex was diagnosed with NPD a while ago, but she refused treatment and denies that she has any issue.

I started dating her exactly a year ago, back then i used to live in another state but we decided we should live together in her city. At first everything was extraordinary: she was respectful, gorgeous, treated me kindly everyday, understood my issues and tried to help me solve them. Until one day she started complaining that i stopped giving her the attention and admiration she needed, and all of a sudden, the housework soon became of my responsibility. She would blame me for the house not being clean enough, for not having enough time or money (i was currently working from home and not making a good amount of money). She would often triangulate (back then i didnt know that’s what she was really doing), telling me things her parents told her about me, that I should change this and that about myself, or have more money. She would often call me lazy, filthy, unattentive to her needs and feelings. I used to wake her everyday with her depression pills and a glass of water, the same before we went to sleep. I was always prompt to do anything she asked, and when I couldnt, she would say things like “if you were to do it later, i’d do it myself”. I always helped her with her studies, and i was always there when she had any kind of issue.

Thing is, sometimes I got really angry at her, sometimes even to the point of calling her names. I’d often blame myself for that behavior and everytime it happened i always promised I wouldn’t do that again. Until she needled me again and over and over. Soon i became her puppet, she would tell me how to look like, what to wear, what I should or shouldn’t do in public or around her family. She would forbid me to smoke (which actually is a good thing, except that her only reason for this was that she didnt wanna be seen dating someone who smokes). With all the stress, insecurity and low self-esteem, i couldnt quit smoking so I would often smoke while she was not around, and lie to her about it, because i couldnt tell her the truth, or else she would threaten to end the relationship, or give me the silent treatment. Soon i started to have many issues at work and consequently with money, too. She would ask me to buy her a horse, a new car, or pay for some vacation trip she wanted. I always tried to tell her we should first save some money before spending everything right away. She would never undestand, and say that it discouraged her to be in this relationship, but when we started dating i made it very clear i wasnt able to spend much, because one my kittens was sick and i needed to save for the treatment. That kitten died, and i spent a whole week in bed, without speaking to her because i was really depressed. Meanwhile, she invited one of her friends to our house and was hanging around with him instead of being supportive. Then, i found out she was talking bad about me to one of her girlfriends, that’s when I snapped at her and we had a huge fight.

Sometimes, she would start an argument, and in the middle of it, she would often grab her phone and start ignoring everything i was saying, i always tried to ask her camly to put her phone down and listen to me, and after a dozen times, i sometimes would take her phone out of her hands, which eventually lead to her hit me, or threaten she would smash my notebook, and even one time she tried to choke me, all because i didnt wanna give her phone back until she listened to what i had to say.

Aside from that, I didnt have any mood for any kind of conversation, with her and everyone. Didnt have any will to go out and have fun, or to talk about shallow daily things.

She likes to help abandoned dogs, and soon i found myself taking care of the house, working, taking care of the 6 pets we had and also trying to be the perfect boyfriend. We lived in a not so hude apartment, and of course 6 pets was a little too much.

At our first anniversary, i had literally no money and couldnt meet her (she was in another city for a month). I didnt send her any message nor did i call her, because i was expecting she would come to our house and spend the day together, she refused to come, saying she didnt wanna spend the day inside our house doing nothing. I had to ask one of my clients to pay in advance so I could meet her, and in our way back home, she started arguing about something silly that i said, telling me “i cant stand to listen to you anymore”. When we got home, after 8 hours, and of course, with all the 6 pets SHE wanted, our house was smelly. She then started screaming at me saying i was filthy, lazy, that i couldn’t keep the house clean enough, and that she wanted to break up before she cheated on me. I had to lock the doors because she wanted to leave and it was 3am and i was afraid she would get involved in an accident (she was stressed and sleepy), or that she would kill herself. 1 day after we broke up, i found out she had already planned a trip later that week.

So, what i wanted to ask:
is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes?

Thanks!