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To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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299 Comments

  • John

    November 25, 2017 at 10:50 pm Reply

    Hi, I really have no idea where to begin. Truth is I have forgotten or blocked out so many of the “nightmares” that I’m just barely existing today. I fell in love the day I met my wife as I still do after almost 17 years. I think the first sign for me at least was after I was diagnosed with stage lll melanoma and was in bed for over two years fighting for my sanity because of the side effects of the medicine I had to take. That’s when she cheated for the first time or that I know about anyway. I was completely devastated, then over the next 10 years it would happen 5 more times (that I know of) including my best friend. That was very hard to say the least with two beautiful girls together though I still couldn’t leave her. Even after it almost cost me my girls when his girlfriend called DHS and said we were abusing our kids because age was jealous I suppose. She seemed to be genuinely sorry and promised not to take me for granted or cheat on me again. After about a year of depression she got out of the bed and went back to work (she’s a RN). Oh and during all of this she had been making me out to be the worst husband and father that’s ever walked the earth, and steady blaming me for it all. This is as close to talking about it to anyone I have come, because after my best friend and her used my trust to the max as I was confiding in him about her and the whole time he was the one sleeping with her. She is now, after the last affair starting to be more degrading and cold-hearted. She can sense when I let my guard down or get the nerve to let her go and drags me back in somehow. I need some help to get out of this cycle of chaos as I am empty and so tired. Any help or advice would be wonderful .

    Thanks J

  • Gary Duran

    November 13, 2017 at 2:33 am Reply

    Guys, it’s a strange world for sure. It is a miracle that men and women ever make it. We never can communicate on an even keel. After my divorce in 1986 I was trashed emotionally and felt unattractive. I drove a Datsun pick up. It was impossible finding a date. So, thinking I needed a fancy set of wheels, I bought a 1986 Ferrari 328 GTS ….red/tan.

    Nothing.

    My girlfriend had all the attention..(I will explain that later) I had guys approaching about the car, but no chicks. I just wanted to feel good. That was in 1995. I sold that car. Now, 2017, I am retired and sold my business. I drove a 1995 Chevy c-1500 for 354,864 miles and it was a total,that I fixed myself and just sold it for $3500.00 cash. So I found an awesome 2014 Mercedes GLK 350. I love my ride, because I just love it. WELL, guess what is a chick magnet? It’s the Benz.

    So, the gal Mercedes told me something that floored me. The Ferrari made me look as if I was “unattainable” in the eyes of women. If I had a Porsche or a vette it would be different. Well, now, at almost 70 and just have a double by pass by the V.A. I want to be left alone and drive the chick magnet I thought I had years before. I am still alive feeling great, and I have the worlds best girlfriend. We are on a perpetual date forever. It works.

    Listen to Zari, if you have V.A. get some help. It is free and it is the best. Do not be ashamed to ask. You will get worse if you don’t. You can only get better. Life is way too short not to be happy. If you want to know how long your life is in this life, squeeze your thumb and index finger together as hard as you can, then bite them…..hard. NOW……the distance between them is how long your life is in this life. Pretty damn short, right?

    Gary D.
    Manteca, Ca.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 18, 2017 at 4:03 pm Reply

      Thanks for sharing, Gary! What a great story…I wish you and your girl all the best:) P.S. I drive a 2014 Mustang GT 5.0 and I love it….a cool car ROCKS….

      xo

  • Terry

    November 11, 2017 at 3:44 pm Reply

    Happened to me .I’m just getting out now ,(working out the disturbing truth). from 17 a yr relationship. Somatic manipulative female .when I started researching narcissism I realised she was Every bit of it to extreme. Including sexual (withholding) in the end excessive cheating. Meaningless hookups so regular,u really don’t wanna know to full extent ,whilst under same roof as my younger 2 kids with no regard for there safety given they r Strangers ..The verbal abuse was almost daily for extended periods usually leading into a quite violent physical encounter .most of the time I would eventually give in and just let her beat me till she had enuf. . Also bled me financially ,basically took the house thru restraining order . has kids for max child support. In the end she said I just want a “break”. I waited but I have finally got the point. And need to go to court This break period she switched from cerebral narc to somatic. And I realise wot happened. She’s cold and nasty. My biggest regret is that I allowed her to assault ,degrade and humiliate me in front of kids I worked her out one night two weeks after our official split and bumped into her on a date , and I was in shock at the person or”mask” I witnessed as I had never seen that person in 17 yrs of being together. There complete lack of conciseness and empathy is hard to truly comprehend. I’m worried for my kids as I see negative changes. And she holds them hostage. Using as pawns to enhance her image,Punish me, and for child support. Once u truly see them u realise how every tiny gesture or remark ever made had a hidden manipulative meaning she’s soulless

  • Niels B

    October 29, 2017 at 3:01 pm Reply

    Hi Zari

    First thanks for doing what you do
    .
    I don’t know if we males are suffering more than females, personal I think it´s the same and it depend on how high our Narc scores on the Narc scale and the time exposed.

    Do fully agree with you that we men normally have another social structure and don`t talk so much with our friends when it comes to feelings as woman do, it can be embracing for us that we have been abused.

    I am in people’s eyes a tough but friendly guy (with a heart as hot butter) as a former air force police officer I´m expected to control my feelings but I cried as a whipped child, when I read what some of the female victims has/is gone true, especially if “Go no contact” is not possible due to having kids together with the Narc.

    Covert narcissist mixed with Borderline is the category my ex fall in to. (have talked with professionals).
    It was only a 1 year and 7 month relationship and I have practice “No Contact” for 2 months.

    She got to comfort in Her game and made a failure when she attacked me physical.By living I do incident investigations and “Google is my friend”. the rest is history
    .
    For me it was calming to find out that the tricks she used actually had names as silent treatment which I was exposed to in periods of 3-4 weeks.

    I do not hate my ex or seek revenge, I feel sorry for her but have decided that I will not be “another victim” the rest of my life, just because she had a devil as mother.

    When I get my heart back 100% my next love will benefit from the “training” I received from my Narc but I want real love in return.

    Pardon my English I’m from a Scandinavian country Denmark.

    Niels B
    Ps. feel free to contact me by mail if you can use any of my experience as a male victim to help others.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 3, 2017 at 3:01 pm Reply

      Hi Niels,

      Thank you so much for sharing and I wish you nothing but the best in your life. I have a feeling that you’re one of those “keepers” we all search for. I’ve got your email and I just may contact you. It is ALWAYS helpful to hear from the “guy” side…this is one of those times that we all have to stick together:)…..Zari xo

  • Maxie

    October 27, 2017 at 2:51 pm Reply

    Hi Zari—I hope all is well with you. I’ve been managing to stay out of harm’s way and remain Narc-free since the last time I wrote you. Interestingly, an ex-bandmate said that she came into the club where he was performing last weekend. He said that she was totally smashed and “on the prowl”. As you said before, “a Narc never changes their stripes”—so very true. I cannot begin to tell you how fortunate I feel to be free from that “Venus Fly Trap”. When I first contacted you, I felt as if I had fallen off a cliff and there was no end in sight. Thank you again for your support, understanding, and insight into the deranged and sick world of the Narcissist.

    Aloha, Maxie

    • Zari Ballard

      October 27, 2017 at 9:41 pm Reply

      Hi Maxie!!

      So glad to hear from you:) I am soooooo glad you are doing great – truly inspirational. You are obviously getting confirmation that she is exactly the same as she was before and that she always will be this way. This is always the question in our mind and it sure helps to hear it first-hand. We have to be confident in the truth that you know. The way that your ex-bandmate saw her is the way that she will be five years from now. Of that you can be sure. You did the right thing by staying strong and look all the time that has passed. It feels at the time that the hurt will never end but it does! I appreciate you stopping by to visit, brother. You know I am always grateful to get updates. It makes my day…:)

      Aloha,

      Zari xo

  • Dan Frdenstine

    October 27, 2017 at 11:13 am Reply

    The woman I loved since High School Decade’s ago found me, love bombed me, abandoned me, and hoovered me back. The went silent again. My problem is I’m in love with my charismic beautiful somatic narcissist. I want her back even if just as friends. She owns me and knows it. Any ideas?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 27, 2017 at 10:13 pm Reply

      Stay away, Dan…you can love this person but at what cost? You can not be “friends” with a narc. It just doesn’t work that way. It sounds like you are looking for ideas on how to get her back. I’m sure she will come back around in time because they always return to make sure you never recover. Don’t waste your life away…

      Zari:)

      • Gary D.

        October 27, 2017 at 10:47 pm Reply

        This is to Dan,

        Dan, who does this woman remind you of in your family? We seek out what we think we know as normal. Zari is so right every time. Listen to her. It is NOT easy to run, but run you absolutely have to do. The V.A. has provided me with counseling that I needed desperately. I was on the verge of who knows what, but it was not going to be good. Get some help….fast.

        I can tell you with all honesty, that once you get some help to learn what you are dealing with here, they and she will see that and dump you like a hot rock. You will have an imaginary mental toolbox of great tools to use. Like any trade, you have to learn it. Dealing with a narc once you learn how with confidence can be a blast just watching them. The down side is not to abuse your new skill to hurt some one, then you become one of them yourself. I use my new skill as protection only. The funny thing is they see it and leave me the fuck alone. Amazingly now I have new great friends.

        You will be able to see clear through them and they see that. It makes them nervous as hell. I still have one in my life that I can see clear through, so much so, I was not invited over for Christmas last year. I love it. She now fears me so, that I may expose her. I don’t have time in my life waste the precious life I have on someone who will use it up and hurt me. I am now in this life for me. In short, fuck em. All of em. Sometimes my French gets bad…sorry.

        Anyway, good luck,
        Gary D.
        Manteca, Calif.

  • James M Belanger

    October 25, 2017 at 12:55 pm Reply

    I met a beautiful woman whomever I loved hard, in fact so much so that I moved from North Dakota to Michigan for her in March 2015. I found may of 2016 she had a ton of seats in her phone via a multitude of apps, texts, messengers, contacts, phone calls and websites. I got to Michigan march 3rd 2015, and after most of the cheating that I know of came out, she admitted she had already cheated 5 times before I even got to Michigan then 3 times the first week I was here with completely random strangers from a dating site just to give them bjs and have them shoot in her mouth just to come see me right after and tell me she loves me and kiss my lips. Later as more came out I was so stressed and so overwhelmed I had a heart attack at age 36, the doctors called it broken heart syndrome. Now when it’s all said and done I’ve lost all and any credit available I live in a 30 foot truck converted to a sleeper. I found out she had been escorting and OMG the enormous amount of men and dirty stuff she texted emailed all the pictures and texts that I read that told the details of what she was gonna do how she begged them to treat her like their dirty little slut and asked them to please meet up CUS she really needed their dck in her mouth then even thanked them all afterwards. I had everything in North Dakota and snow I’ve lost everything to the point I tried to commit suicide on a few occasions. OMG the pain seems like it’ll never go away I loved her and her kids so much and now she’s back where she started and I’m completely gone as a man. If your reading this please GET OUT NOW! OMG THE LIES AND ALL THE IMAGES AND THE MASSIVE AMOUNT THAT SHE’LL WONT STOP UNTIL YOUR LIKE ME!

    • Terry

      November 11, 2017 at 4:08 pm Reply

      I hate to think wot “more coming out” would involve.

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