To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

I missed all of the signs of what she was until it was too late. She always complained about not having any girlfriends. She doesn’t understand why girls don’t like her. Jelous of other girls butts at the gym. Always downplaying her own body. She would dress up to go out somewhere and I’d tell her she looked drop dead gorgeous and all I get is you’re suppose to say that. Then another time she came in before a wedding and we were running late. I was ironing my shirt my buddy told her she looked nice and she’d reply oh thank you, glad my bf noticed. She was always super secretive of her phone. Always pulling it away or sitting it down when I’d enter a room. If she ever handed me her phone to show me something it was 2 sec. she’d be ripping it back out of my hands. Then I finally told her you do a lot of texting for not having any girlfriends. She gets super defensive and tells me I’m always on my phone. Which I had a social life and group text messages with different buddies. I replied with well here’s my phone go through it. She said no I trust you. That was then end. I ask for her phone to see the reaction she said you don’t trust me? I said yes. She said then why do you need to see it? I could also never win an argument. Even If I was in the right she would reply you always have to right. If a problem ever came up and we weren’t together she would refuse to see me until I told her through text message what it was. She was very unconfrontaional where I was the complete opposite. I wanted to figure things out face to face. But that never happened.

My girlfriend and I were together for almost 2 years before one week she just kept coming up with excuses not to hang out like it was almost pre planned out. Felt like she had been distancing herself months prior to this after I was contacted by an anonymous person about how she’s been seeing her ex behind my back for at least 6 months. Come to find out he was unaware that we were together as well. Of course I took her word that she hadn’t been seeing him even though I truly wasn’t sure, but if I ever questioned her it did nothing but start an argument about how I never trusted her. I then told her I’ll fix this then and I’ll reach out to your ex we can figure this out. She then started coming up with excuses of why she wasn’t coming around talking about a change of career, Wanting to move out of state. She can’t think clearly right now. All while blowing me off every chance she gets. I’m at home sitting there wondering what I did wrong. She of course was a nurse and worked crazy hours, so her schedule was all over and she used that to her full advantage. Blew me off on Halloween saying she was trying to trade a girl at work so she could come to the party. I text her that night to ask her if she was able to get it off and she just text me back negative. For some reason I didn’t believe her. I got on social media (Which I’ll talk more about later) to see if maybe something was posted. I remembered the girl she talked about at work. Pretty much the only girlfriend I know of her ever making while we were together for 2 years and there I find a picture of them all dressed up in their Halloween costumes in a nearby city. The next day I asked her are you sure you worked last night. She then lashed out JC yes! I then accused her of being in that city without telling her how I knew because she had a private setting on her Facebook where she had to allow her to be tagged in pics. She became real defensive still not admitting to going. I then being very upset said I’m done. She said I’m done. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. Months after we’d text. But nothing felt right. How could someone you spent 2 years with and 8 years of being good friends just up and leave and show no signs of emotion at all while I’m living out of my bedroom sick to my stomach everyday missing my best friend. I then stumbled upon actual evidence she had been with her ex while we were together. Now over the months we did text and she told me how she missed me and would ask how my day was. Basically everything I wanted to hear. I sent her a text with the proof I had and she responded with WTF. Nothing else. Because you had to scroll in to actually read what the screen shot said. It was a 5k result that year with her and her ex’s name with the same location they both lived together while dating and finishing a 10th of a sec apart. in the race. A race she told me the girls from work talked her into going to that morning on a day we were both off and I could have went. Even when she came home she told me how she had a bad time because the one girl was out of shape and had to stay behind with her. Here I am months later. Still texting her. I kept asking if we could at least sit down and talk and see if I could just get an answer out of her. See we were good friends for about 8 years before we dated as I stated earlier. Why it was making it harder for me to lose her. But she acted like I never existed. Come to find out she is now hooking up with the owner of the gym I attend and brought her into. They had been keeping it a secret. When he was confronted about he admitted to it. He also then said you don’t see the things he meaning I would text her when I was drunk out of rage because It has been 6 months and I still haven’t got a reason why she left. This guy doesn’t know of anything prior to them hooking up and she is showing him the texts to make me look like a villain. She even told people there that I hated them or disliked them which I may have in confidence, to her when we were together. She is now using it to make me the bad guy where I recently quit the gym because of it. I’m perceived as the drunk jelous ex physcopath at the gym. Now this is just the story of how we ended. I’m sure I’ve left a ton out. I always remember something else later on that happened. Just so much and my mind was all over the place.

Best advice I can give someone who is going through this is RUN! It’s a very hard thing to do because they can make you fall in love with them hard and fast and forget you in that same manner. It’s like no evil I’ve ever encountered. You could see it in her eyes. I was also told by multiple people you could tell she was crazy just by her eyes!
I realized my mistakes. The biggest one was just losing all contact with her! I tried to fix something I couldn’t. I couldn’t grasp walking away from one of my best friends of over 10 years. Although she has hurt me like none other I still wish the best for her because I know she’s never going to be happy and that’s a terrible way to live life. In the end in the eyes of some, I now look like the narcissist. I’m still trying to get over it, and while I have good and bad days. The bad somehow always out way the good. Luckily anytime I need to talk I have amazing friends who actually care and will always listen because they seen the side of her that I know.

I have just read this and was truly touched!

I am well on the road to recovery having gotten myself tangled up in a relationship with a female narcissist that lasted three years, in which she systematically attempted and almost succeeded in destroying me. It has taken almost two years to get to where I am now and can at last look forward and have stopped searching for answers, in which all too often articles talked about “he”, rarely ever talking about “she”. Her final act was to accuse me of domestic violence that was followed by a two year campaign to smear me. Despite been told to not approach me by Police, Solicitors and Judges she continued to stalk my every move to find anything that could be twisted against me. She even moved 120 miles to follow me, after I left and offered to sleep with my best friend …

My message to others – female or male – is, you are not going made, you didn’t make a mistake and you will recover, just get away from the person that is coursing you all the pain and enforce a “no contact” policy and stick to it, as they will not and will find ways around it, so be prepared. If you are lucky enough to have retained friends and family, leave on them, although don’t expect them to understand.

My guardian angel was someone I hardly knew that could see what was going on and sent me a link, which opened my eyes!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Hi Zari–This is Maxie wishing you and your son a blessed Holiday season. I can see by the ever-increasing posts that these Narcisist scum bags (of both genders) are unrelentinting in their quest to perpetually wreak havoc. You are so generous with your help and understanding–it certainly helped me, and for this I am forever thankful to you.
Love and peace, Maxie

Geez…..I am speechless. They are all around us. Not to discount your pain, I got some help through the V.A. Thank GOD I did. Now I can see clear through this narc bitch and it makes her nervous now to be in the same room as me. I am so truly sorry for your loss and the pain she has placed on your family. They are hard to second guess or defend yourself from, but once you get it, I promise you, the power you will carry and project will make you glow like a thousand suns.

Zari, I need help urgently. My son’s N girlfriend, “Jane”, mother of his 3 yr. old child , is ruining our lives. As I type, I am crying because it breaks my heart worrying about my grandson. My husband of 21 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer in Sept. 2015. The Dr. staged it as stage 4. That gave him 29 mos. Putting up a good fight and spending a lot of time with our youngest grandson, because was with us about 80% of the time. My husband had even said that the baby was good for him. Keeping him active and literally continuing to fight for his life. He shocked us all by committing suicide Feb. 2017. He was my rock, especially with all of the turmoil “Jane” has caused. Now I feel I have nobody to go to. I had to move back home to my mother’s, and by some freak-twist of the universe, my son, his girl-friend, their son, and the son she got pregnant with while cheating on my son, also moved in to my mom’s (God help her). Friends and family planned a memorial/benefit for me to be held a month later. “Jane” stayed at my mom’s with my son, “supporting” him and “being there for him” for a solid month. She went to her mom’s two days before the benefit. Me and my son and grandson and my family went to the benefit and for two days after the benefit, didn’t hear from “Jane”. When I went back to mine and my husband’s house to move some of our things, I was devastated to find that somebody had broken into our home. The things taken were some personal things my husband had, pictures from the walls, a lot of my things, our grandson’s toys that we got him for Christmas, Brand new toys that we got our other grandson for Christmas, clothes, (they went as far as to go through my dirty laundry), and God only knows what else that I can’t remember having. About 2 months later, I was walking through my mom’s kitchen, I saw something laying on the bar amongst other clutter,and started walking on by, when I had a flashback, and stepped back to look at it again. It was pieces of a train track. (My husband and I had gotten 2 of our grandsons the same train set. We had put our grandson’s track together and he played with it every time he was there, which was for weeks at a time. Our other grandson’s gifts were in a closet, brand new and unwrapped. The pieces on my mom’s bar were held together by a rubber band (just like they came from the factory.) I immediately turned to my 3 yr. old grandson, and asked him, “Have you got a Paw Patrol train set a ” Nana Mary’s” (Jane’s mom)?” He shook his head, and said, “Baby brother does.” I was floored! I was shaking all over. I picked the pieces up and put them away, saving them until I could figure out what to do. Later, I showed them to my son. Telling him of my suspicions. That “Jane” and her brother’s and or father, who, do I have to even have to say, also have reputations for stealing, fighting with each other, and who she threatens my son with, was the one’s who broke into my house. Her dad has even stabbed his own son in the chest. He’s been to jail for attempted murder three times. I don’t know how or why he wasn’t convicted for the first two, but the third one was dropped after he spent about six months in jail. Well, just yesterday I was picking up some toys, and I saw a stuffed giraffe, “Tip Top”. A toy that my grandson has had since we gave it to him when he was 6 mos. old. We had sent it home with him a couple of times, but insisting to my son to keep up with it, and made sure to get it when we picked up my grandson. I had missed it, but it slipped my mind with everything that has happened since Feb. When I saw “Tip Top”, anger reared it’s ugly head. I started going through the entire toy box. Well lo and behold, I started finding toys that were taken from my house. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Even clothes of my grandson’s that I know were at my house and were taken. Just the night before, with Christmas right around the corner, she decided she was going to stay with her mom for a while because she couldn’t take my son’s verbal abuse any longer. She came and got my grandson to take him to Goodwill and let him pick some stuff out and was going to bring him back. While they were gone, I told my son what I had found, and he let me into their storage bldg. to look through some more toys and clothes. I found more. Well, my son acted mad, and I had gathered all I found and set it in the living room to confront her when she came back to drop my grandson back off. I left to go to the store and while I was gone, my son had texted her that we had found some stuff in their storage bldg. that she needed to explain. She replied, “What did you find?” He then told her that she would have to talk to me. Well, she called my mom, who is 70 yrs. old and not in very good health, and asked her to have me call her. I haven’t called yet, because I want to talk to her face to face. I’m hoping for some advice before something happens and she won’t let us have my grandson for Christmas. She’s to receive $20,000 from a lawsuit from a wreck she was in as baby, in Jan. 2018. $60,000 more in Jan, 2022. We don’t have the financial means to fight her in court. I hope you can help.
A widow at her wits end

Hi Zari,

I actually found your site by accident because I was going to Pin something on Pintrest and when I went to Pintrest it automatically signed in under my ex-wife’s account where she had pinned a massive amount of items relating to being involved with a narcissist (me, she claims). I guess she skims right over all those parts that describe her behavior as if it were an owners manual on how to be a narcissist. I will admit that as I was reading some of your articles I was greatly offended that you referred to the narcissist as ‘he’ so I appreciate this disclaimer and acknowledgement. My situation is my first marriage ended after 25 years and 3 kids. After a couple of brief semi-relationships (mostly due to co-dependency on my part) an old high school friend (and FB) came to town and needed a place to crash. Yada yada yada, I fly to Florida where she was living with her ex-husband, and rent a U-Haul and move her to Arkansas. I never wanted to get married again after my first because it got kind of nasty and in my mind and heart, if I tell you I love you and am committed to you then I don’t need to stand in front of someone who was ordained online so he/she can legally bind me into a civil contract with no clear agreement reached beforehand except for Domestic Laws which are just crazy in some situations. Well, the first 6 months or so were great, then I started slowly discovering that a lot of the things she told me before moving her, specifically in reference to her beliefs and practices regarding sex and a couple of other things were basically lies. It was apparent that she told me a lot f things that I wanted to hear, not the truth. (If fact in retrospect, I’m not sure she ever told me the truth about anything in 5 years.) Let me add that I am retired from the police department in my hometown as a ranking officer and I was in Investigations for 13 years, specializing in Violent Crimes so I am not ignorant in the field of Psychology and Human Behavior. One would think I might have seen a few clues but let me emphasize, I was NOT prepared for her. My first clue should have been that I was to become husband #5. It started out with gaslighting about anything she could spin on me, drinking, my infidelity with my first marriage, my children, anything she could to start breaking me down. It evolved to her becoming physically abusive. The biggest mistake I ever made was I told her after she bloodied my nose the first time, that if she ever hit me again that she could start packing. Well, guess what didn’t happened? I didn’t make her leave the second time, and worse yet, married her a few months later. She told me that she had gone to her doctor with a lump in her breast that they thought was cancer. She didn’t have insurance and the only way to put her on mine was to get married, so I did it. I know that’s a pretty selfish reason on my part (as she actually tried to make me believe).If you want to talk about guys not really having a forum or much of a support system for the emotional abuse, throw in a cop who tells people everyday what they need to do in these types of situations, who is living the same thing they are and not following his own advice. Men in general don’t want to go to their buddys and talk about how they are getting beat up at home. (and believe me, she knows this and even throws in a few ‘pussy’ jabs about it on top). So, 5 years into it. I retire after 25 years and at age 50 take my first ride in the backseat of a police car wearing cuffs sitting next to her in the same car because we were both arrested, That was a deal breaker and I filed for divorce. That’s when the real fun began. We went to a counselor as part of the plea deal on the charges and the best thing that ever happened to me is the counselor clued me in about BPD and Narcissism. My God, as I was researching this it was as if we had been that movie ‘Ted’ and we had been documented for 5 years unknowingly. It was almost like a script of my life. So, she doesn’t answer the summons and I get a default judgement. Well, she wont leave. After 2 months it doesn’t look like she is planning on leaving and when I bring it up she goes beserk. As a result she then gets an attorney who has me served with “Un-divorce” papers. Before it was over I took a 2nd ride to jail on false charges, kicked out of my house and she was handed everything I own on a platter with a No Contact Order despite the fact a Superior Court had awarded me the house and said she wasn’t supposed to be on the property. I slept in my truck for 3 weeks until court and the judge flipped it and gave me my house back immediately. Well she was not prepared for that because what she hadn’t burned, sold or given away was packed up ready to be loaded. I also found 5 used condoms and 9 open wrappers in the trash and most of the beer in my fridge in my shop where I had been living was gone. She pulled off the Holy Grail of screwing a guy over. She had me arrested, kicked out of my own house, given all my possessions, then was having a LOT of sex in my shop on my work table that I built, using my condoms and drinking my beer. I think that qualifies to be a ranking narcissist or at least it should. Maybe she should give seminars or something! Meanwhile she takes a photograph of me with an ex-girlfriend to the police and tells them the girl with me in the photo is my daughter when she was 15. (Luckily they quickly ruled that out) Did I mention that most of the law enforcement involved in this fiasco I have known for 25 years or more. (Not real happy with the way they handled most of this) In fact the bias shown by that department was appalling (not my old department, I was city and this was county). She was able to have all of that done with simply a story and according to the report “injuries consistent with her statement”. Well I also found make-up kits with all the primary colors for bruises and black eye on the coffee table where she used it before going to court. This was one time that I was truly the only actual true victim. I was battered, property stolen, false reports, evidence tampering and not a single thing was done to her. They refused to file any charges for anything. I was told to sue her for any property loss. So add that aspect of non-representation to the others as it relates to men in regard to Law Enforcement and the court system. (Btw, the story she gave about the condoms was that a couple she didn’t know got married and went on a cruise because she found a trash bag that had a bride sash and cruise tickets in it and they must have brought the condoms back with them and it was in the bag with some things she picked up accidentally at a donation center and when she saw the condoms she swept them into a bag of trash from my shop and must have burned the tickets and such with their names on it or i could verify it. She assured me adamantly that she absolutely did not have sex with anyone especially not in the shop. ( I did mention that I was a detective for 13 years right?)

So, want to hear the crazy thing? She is staying at my house right now. The only family she has here is a daughter and she kicked her out. The only place she has to light is a storage unit that I rented for her to put her things and when I saw her there in that storage unit and thought about how lonely that must feel and it breaks my heart. So, like a pathetic puss, I asked her to come stay here until she can figure out what she is going to do. Well, she has finally realized that we are NEVER getting back together so she has now stepped it up and she is trying to gather up enough money to get to her favorite place on earth (back in Florida) so she can kill herself. Also, as I am typing this she is out “getting fucked” (her words) because it’s her last full moon. I realize that she is trying to stir me up so saying anything to her either way is stoking her fire however, she has to go. So, tomorrow I’m going to tell her she has to go. I have been in touch with her family and they are aware of the situation. (Her sister actually feels bad and is constantly apologizing to me.) I tried to have her committed but they said she wasn’t exhibiting an “immediate danger to herself”. So, I’ve given it my best shot at helping her which I am discovering just has adverse effects, on both of us but, in order for me to have zero contact she has to go. I’ll try to give you an update.

Hi Zari,

Thank you for this outlet and the opportunity to share my story. When I met my wife 22 years ago I didn’t recognize her narcissistic traits. I was blinded by love and affection. She showed the classic traits of a narcissist, I just didn’t pick up on them. I was 27 and she 30. I had been out of University for a few years and had a few jobs under my belt. I had my share of GF’s and we were both ready to settle down, start a family, etc. We dated about 3 years before getting married. The first 5 years were fine…the usual stuff, I thought. Then, it all started: The mood swings, the outbursts, the silent treatment, the lack of appreciation, the lack of intimacy, the constant blaming, the constant berating, never allowing me to speak.

When I ever tried to express my feelings or issues it was ALWAYS met with absolute disdain and objection, that I was the crazy one. She would always tell me, “you need to validate my feelings”. That, “it was a ‘mans responsibility’ to provide for his wife, family”. But, what was her responsibility, I would ask? She didn’t work, didn’t cook, didn’t clean, didn’t do anything for me, for us. It was all about her, all the time, her needs and happiness, not mine. I was ‘labeled’ the women in the relationship by her because I would always want to resolve an argument or disagreement. She was NEVER ready. If we had an argument, it was always my fault even if she had started something. She always twisted or flip-flopped the fight or argument back on me. She NEVER apologized or said sorry for any of her actions or our arguments. Why would she, it was always my fault in her world view. I would get the ‘silent-treatment’ for days/weeks until I apologized. Always.

For the last 20 years I was fortunate to have had a nice career that provided us a nice lifestyle. She drove nice cars and always had a nice house. My job took me (us) around the world, we lived in Australia for a few years. We traveled all over Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China, Korea, Taiwan, Europe and took cruises and numerous vacations to Hawaii.

After about 7 years of wedded bliss, it was time to go to Marriage Counseling. She agreed. I asked her to pick the Therapist. She did, and we went to about 5 sessions with the counselor. During our 5th and final visit, the counselor asked my wife why she never let me speak, always interrupted and talked over me when I spoke or tried to express feelings, emotions, etc. OMG, I wasn’t crazy. I had been telling this to my wife for the last 10 years, that she never let me speak. Communication was her problem. Our problem. She complained that the therapist (she selected) was taking my side. WTF? Whatever. We never went back to marriage counseling again, I suggested finding another, but she didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to hear the truth, again. She doesn’t accept criticism well, or at all.

I came from a divorced family. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade or about 9-10 years old. The same age as our son now. I know what it is like to be raised by a single parent, to have ‘split holidays’. She doesn’t. I thought about getting divorced in 2007. Marriage counseling was the answer then and I didn’t want to end up in the same fate as my parents. So, I thought…what would make her happy? Probably being a mother.

So, now in our 40’s, getting pregnant is tough for anyone. But she had underlying hormonal issues and was already going thru menopause. Did I leave, NO. I decided we should consider IVF. She agreed. Funny thing, she would always blame the fact that she couldn’t get pregnant on me, it was my fault, even after the IVF Dr. told us that it was solely her issue. Her ovaries had ceased to produce eggs years ago. She went thru menopause in her early 30’s. After many years of failed attempts at getting pregnant ourselves, we decided to go thru with IVF. Fortunately, at that time, I was in a position that I could afford the $25K out of pocket for every IVF cycle. Meds were another $10-20K per cycle. Again, she didn’t work so I paid for everything since insurance doesn’t cover this ‘type’ of medical procedure. Again, I let her research and pick the IVF physician. The first two IVF cycles with this clinic failed. Close to $75K for nothing. We switched doctors and the third time was a charm, we had a son, what she always wanted I ultimately learned.

Once our son was born, I was a distant thought. There was nothing she needed from me anymore (except $) so she treated me even worse, said any man would have done what I did. I forgot to mention, whenever I had a birthday or a ‘celebratory’ event she would sabotage things. I can’t remember a birthday of mine in the last 10 years where we weren’t in a fight due to her actions. Why would she do this to me on every birthday? The first few times I just passed it off as a coincidence but when it happened repeatedly, for the last ~8-10 years, on every birthday, it was on purpose, conscious or not.

Fast forward ten years. In May of this year, her ‘wealthy-relative’ rented a home in the same guarded-gate community as we reside. I looked forward to this, her relative is fun, generous and giving. And, I thought, maybe I will have a nice summer (and birthday) this year because my wife will be pre-occupied with something and someone other than me. Wishful thinking.

She slept outside of our home every night June thru August, gave me some excuse every time I inquired. I was told I was being jealous of her relationship with her ‘relative’. She didn’t go on our family vacation. First time in 22 years. Hmm. Her treatment became worse, blaming me for everything and for the way our son acted whenever he was with her…that it was my fault the way he behaved when out with her? WTF?

I had enough. She came to get some clothes one night in August…see, she was going out again until 4am and needed some other clothes. Our Master bedroom had been turned upside down and into a giant closet, wardrobe changing room. Our bed had clothes and jewelry strewn all over the place. If I wasn’t traveling out of town on business (sleeping in hotels), I usually slept in a guest room with our son. As I was cleaning up the dinner I had made for our son in the kitchen one evening, she came home to pick out some clothes to wear for her evening out. She hadn’t been home in two days. Two straight months of this, June and July. In August, I had enough. I told her to take all of her clothes to her ‘relatives’ house. Get out. I am done. This was met with some resistance. “Who would do this to their wife, the mother of their son?” Huh? WTF? Surprisingly, she packed a few bags quite quick and left in early August. June, July…then August, Sept, October and November. We haven’t lived under the same roof. We take turns with our son, four days with, four days without. This summer I finally realized I had enough of her abuse. I stood up for myself.
My wife, I now call Snowflake. I love this name, because at the slightest change in anything, she just ‘melts’. Again, this was my fault, my doing. And you know what, I agreed. Yes, I asked her to leave. But, SNOWFLAKE…you had already left. Sorry. She won’t talk to me at all. Will only communicate via TEXT message. She is now labeling me something and someone I am NOT and totally sabotaging my character to her family. It’s total BS. But, she knows nothing else. She learned this behavior from her own mother and family.

She called me a narcissist in one of her TEXTs a few months ago. I thought I knew what this term meant, being vain, right? Well, yes, but, in a relationship it has a slightly different meaning. I learned my wife is the true Narcissist. Not me. She probably also suffers with Borderline Personality disorder with some hormonal abnormalities tossed in for added kicks and giggles.
All I wanted was a wife, a mother for my child, a friend, a partner. What I got was an immature, self-righteous spoiled, selfish, self-centered, entitled little brat. Never appreciated me for me, what I did, for what I provided, for anything. She had a chance to say sorry. That didn’t happen, obviously.

Snowflake, life is hard and it’s about to get so very much harder for you. You had a nice life. You had everything, and you flushed it down the toilet. Goodbye.

Thank you for listening,

Jeff