To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

Hi Zari—Just touching bases and hoping all is well with you and your son. I frequently read your blog and see that the Narc population seems to be on the rise and continue to relentlessly wreak havoc. I’m happy to report no more Narc activity on this end, thank God. Interestingly, one of my band mates went to her bank yesterday to do some business and he asked her about the prized Martin acoustic guitar I gave her just before I was discarded several years ago. She told him, “well, if he wants it back, he’ll have to call me”. He suggested I call her, as did several of my other bandmates. This is a classic Narc trap, and I’m not falling for it. She is using the guitar to lure me back, even if just to torment me. I have no desire to ever see or hear from that scum bag again. And, I believe everyone who is able to finally make the break should never, ever, go back under ANY circumstances. As you once so eloquently put it: “A Narc never changes their stripes”. These are words to live by.

Aloha and best regards,
Maxie

Greetings,
So I am at the beginning stages of learning about what appears to be my wife’s problem. Nearly 15 years together now and I am now noticing that my resilience has started to weaken over the past year or so. To be honest, I still question which of us is the problem in our relationship. But, I do know that I have experience emotional or psychological abuse, how much I’m not sure. As far as physical abuse, not much, I have been hit once and had a pair of scissors thrown at me (hit a bookshelf and stuck!) I am a pretty gullible person and trusting to boot, what’s worst is that I forgive and forget easily. Great qualities for most, but not in this situation. We also have two children together, 9 and 11. I was under the impression that she does love our children but have noticed that she can be extremely cold or blunt with them on occasion. It’s hard to imagine someone not loving their child.
I go back and forth between her being a narcissist or having borderline personality disorder. How do I determine if she is one or the other? Does it matter? Is it possible to make a successful marriage, guessing I have to demand therapy for her or I just have to leave? Last time I gave a deadline to get therapy, one week in to a two week time frame she end up in the hospital having an ulcer in her throat from a pill she swallowed wrong. Months have gone by now and I still feel like I am being emotionally drained to the point I don’t have much happiness left. I have been called many names, made to look like a fool and she says that she doesn’t trust me because I lie to her is why I don’t get any say-so in how we raise our children.
To be forthcoming I have lied to her, about smoking pot (it’s what I use to cope) and continue to do so when I have it. It’s completely against her morals and is constantly used against me as a sore spot for her to make jabs at. I have even convinced myself that I was an addict and the source of our problems, have even stopped using pot for prolonged time periods with no positive result on our relationship. Egh! I can’t do it much longer and the kids?!

Great article and advice to the men of the world who have had to deal with a FN. We had 6 children together which later turned out to simply be an instrument of conquest for her as opposed to truly wanting to actually raise children. Shortly after marriage I constantly worried about her loyalty or ability to actually love me only to horrifically find out 23 years later that she was incapable of even grasping the concept of loving me. I held on for 2 more years with the kids in mind before finally breaking under the mounting FN lifestyle she lived by being the constant victim, co dependent, and appearance driven person. Luckily or unlucky in a way, she blew it while I was in the throws of the divorce where she went physical both with me and my children left at home (3) and I escaped with all the children and we are now living in relative peace from the FN’s total blanket of madness. She has her occasional brush up but the children but they are learning to understand their need for boundaries and the “loss” of their Mother. FN’s are real and they hide masterfully under the guise of victim and as the article states will stop at nothing to play the martyr card to your demise. Break free, it’s the best thing I have ever done. Difficult? Yes! Worth it? Absolutely!

I been married to one for twenty eight years and just finding out WTH is this sick woman’s problem is. She has put me in jail five times,took my child and herself away many times. Begs her way back,swears change and undying love and on and on. The nail in the coffin has been last two years. She left again with my youngest son had me put in a nuthouse with lied. I was found competent and released and then I went to the police myself to be allowed back in my house. She was tilt that they were tired of her junk and will go to jail if she made trouble for me again. Well she left that night and finally after years of suspicious activity I caught her red handed with a man she worked with. I went after him and he ran but I was in another county that didn’t know her past and was arrested again for a year for 2 nd degree harrassment for trying to beat his ass!! I lost it. Again I get a call 20 months later it’s her and let her play her game to get to my son to get us out of this place and save something for all these years. I have used her ass for sex because yes it’s good when it’s good and we still married. I never cheated on her , left her or my kids,or abused her or even spanked my children. I am a Christian man and if having sex with this monster till I get out with my son and play her game imI going to do it. I wish I could just choke the shit out of her for the hell she caused and the family bonds she has broken on both sides of the family.

I just stumbled upon your article and wanted to commend you for acknowledging what many have told me I was “imagining” when I spoke of how the female narcissist can use how society has essentially provided her a “victim card”.

I experienced first-hand how the FN can play society when my former wife left 2 months after giving birth to our child, essentially abandoning us to be with someone else. During her pregnancy was when what I thought was just her personality, the narsissnar really started to show as she used comments like how she “settled” with me when so many others had wanted her, how all her exes still loved her and would have taken her back, how sexy she was in high school, how all the guys wanted her and how she “deserved” to be treated like a Princess.

I got the last laugh though as she lost custody during our divorce and the guy who promised her the world turned out to be a male version of herself.

Sadly though after 5 years of single parenting, I ventured back into the dating world and my first encounter was with another FN. Again I had to hear about how so many guys wanted her as if I should be honored she chose to go out with me instead of one of the many other choices she had, how great she was in bed, again how all her exes were still in love with her, wanted her back, how she got so many online messages from guys who thought she was “hot”, how she had given up a lucrative career making hundreds of thousands each year for her last lover, etc, etc…

Each of these women painted me as the bad guy when I stood up for myself. I was called crazy, controlling, possessive, abusive, etc, just for standing up for myself.

Thank you for acknowledging that these types of women do exist, though I believe they are more common than you or any woman would like to admit.

Hi Zari,

My Grandson and I are victims of a classic (divorced Grandmother) female narc sociopath.

My grandson, as a result of neo-natal meningitis, contracted in the womb, is a 25 year old, blind, non-verbal quadriplegic, who has terminal leukemia and suffers PTSD caused by his horrendous early childhood.

The divorced Grandparents had to rescue this boy from his mentally disturbed, drug addicted parents at 14 months of age. I have nurtured, protected and raised him from that time and he is dependently attached to me.

Grandmother, who has always been a difficult, dominant, manipulative and spiteful person, has decided to hand the boy back to the still dysfunctional parents because I declined to re-marry her.

The Grandmother is engineering more and more parental contact, control and separation from Grandfather.

The boy has become angry, confused, emotionally and psychologically distressed and frightened that his Grandfather no longer loves him and is abandoning him to the source of his PTSD.

He has collapsed and been hospitalised a number of times in abject despair, which has not been recognised by the medics, as he is unable to communicate his pain and I am dismissed and ignored as an angry male aggressor.

I have been blocked and unable to get help for him from any Government Authority, Mental Health, Medical and Social Welfare Agents, as I have been vilified and discriminated against as an angry Domestic Violator!

This is a complex, difficult and distressing situation, as this boy cannot communicate and demand his Rights and continues to be cruelly and brutally abused.

He has a Gov. appointed Guardian, who is reluctant to act and is blocking and covering up the situation.The Government do not want to accept responsibility. Taking this boy into care, exacerbating and making separation permanent, would not be in his best interests and would totally destroy him emotionally, physically and psychologically.

I am 71 years old, my Grandson is dying, we need peace and sanctuary. We have nowhere to hide!

I would appreciate your thoughts.Regards, JGM.

I’ve learned to pull out my cell phone and start taking video. Her behavior changes real fast when she finds out I’ll put her on facebook. Otherwise, I try to just walk away. Unfortunately, with 4 daughters ranging in ages of 35 to 28, we didn’t have cell phones around when they were growing up. I hung in there because I didn’t want them to think this was “Normal” and because I knew that the husband doesn’t usually get the kids in a divorce case. I was glad I did because they turned out great! But it was torture.