To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

I’m fairly certain my ex boyfriend’s fiance is a female narcissist. She was a casual acquaintance of mine and swooped in while we were having issues. He’s now isolated himself from everyone in his life. We were initially in contact but she stopped that. I am convinced he is depressed and vulnerable but everyone else just thinks I’m making excuses for him. My concern for him makes it nearly impossible to let go even though they have turned me into the “crazy one”. I fear for his safety and well being. I think most people think he is just selfish but after our years together, I don’t think this is the case. Their relationship is on this turbo pace and overlapped ours. I have to let go but it’s so painful to see him become this person.

My narc female partner is totally ruling and ruining my life. We have a beautiful, happy 1 year old girl who’s demanding and endearing presense gives me just enough emotional and positive energy to keep going.
As an empathetic and intelligent person, I have become a master of walking on eggshells, to the point where she has to pretty much make things up to give her a reason to rage at me for days.. I’m not going to detail her techniques, we’ve all heard enough of the insideous ways these people feed their black souls. Needless to say I am suffering greatly and regularly.
I used to stand my ground, I used to fight back, but given the lack of rules they fight by, i got my arse kicked. I now live in servitude, but not even that works. I see a “professional” regularly who marvels at my resilience and irrepressible nature. But he and I both know that this is killing me, and he has told me clearly that I will be a very sick man if I try and keep this up until my daughter is old enough to know what’s going on.
I am getting emotionally abused every day.
I am an amazing provider, a warm and loving father and partner.
I cook amazing food ( she wouldn’t accept anything less)
I find ways to fulfill her every need, even the expensive ones.
I listen.
And listen
And listen.
All it takes to refill my tanks is a couple of good things happening to me every week… but in this day and age, life is hard and one can go for weeks without “getting a break”.
So in closure, there is nothing I can actually do about this, except work my butt off, never get angry, be a slave, and savior my time with my little girl.
When i reach breaking point, I will carefully stand up for myself, she will leave with my little girl (again), I will continue to work and pay the rent on three family home and pay my child support, i will offer her and my girl a happy and safe second home…. and then she’ll negotiate her return (with clear terms that it was all my fault just like last time) and the cycle will continue.
If I miraculously make it to the point where my daughter clues in to what’s going on, then I make my escape, with the law on my side, part custody, etc etc.
anyway, I needed to get that out, I’m in the middle of a narc rage as we speak.
I swear here must be stacks of males out there just like me.
I really appreciate what you’ve written here.
Apologies for any spelling and disjointed sentences…. vodka really helps soften the pain ya know?

You’re not wrong, as a male I do feel very alone and trapped. All I ever wanted out of my entire life was a family of my own and loving companion to share it with. I thought I had finally found it…I gave her everything she said she wanted out of life, I got a better job, started dressing different, bought the $3000 engagement ring, bought a house, and had children and once her checklist was complete, she shut me out. She didn’t leave or kick me out, she shut me out. No more affection or kind words, constant criticism of everything I like or do, placing her job and friends over the family, drinking alone every night she isn’t working and getting mad if I so much as offer to join her….I’m cut off from all of my family who live out of state and all of my friends faded away as I had less and less time because she’s slowly slipped every home and parental responsibility off onto me. I work my forty plus hours, cook, clean, and take care of the kids and she only steps in when there is no other option and even then I suspect she sleeps most of the day.
I don’t mind doing everything, and to be honest I don’t mind being cut off from friends and family, as long as at the end of the day I have the one person that matters. I just wanted a companion, now I’m stuck here with her and scared to leave because we’re not married (five years engaged with no move to finalize). I can’t lose my kids! Every time I work up the press to leave her it’s like something new happens to keep me there. Her mother got cancer, her father wrote me into his will, she keeps spending all my money while hoarding her own….there are days when I wonder if I should just give up…I’m tired of fighting just to live a normal life. I miss being happy…

It’s not enough for women to simply acknowledge that men can suffer narcissistic abuse – it’s nice, but it doesn’t do anything to change it. There should be more awareness throughout the medical community that when a man is withering away, isolating himself, losing his self worth, and finally breaking down to the point that his choices are reduced to therapy, or death… there’s the chance that the problem has to do with an abusive female partner.

I’ve spent the last 5 years in therapy for anxiety, depression, anger – you name it – and it wasn’t until I figured out what narcissism is, that I experienced the slightest amount of relief – the proverbial light bulb over the head. After years and years of hearing it, it’s shocking to suddenly realize that you may not be the cause of every bad thing that happens within your relationship. The instant payoff is realizing that you’re not really going insane and that there’s people out there going through the EXACT same thing you are, and guess what, they call it narcissistic personality disorder.

I’m disappointed in every therapist that didn’t even bother to question the idea of emotional abuse, rather, they did the same thing she does and focused all of their energy on what I was doing wrong to make my life miserable. Where was the conversation about me, for the last 7 years, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my musty basement, eating out of a bar fridge, clothes folded by the wall on the floor – her taking over every room in the house so there’s no room for me, taking control of the bills, the bank accounts, the household, the children, the friends, the family, etc, and then endlessly bitching about everything else that she deems as lacking.

I wish that I had asked those critical questions, long ago. I just assumed that a therapist would figure it out for me – ask me about my home life and I would’ve spilled my guts right there and then – probably through a lot of uncontrolled male sobbing (which is never pretty). From my experience, the mental health system is completely oblivious the the fact that men can be victims of relationship abuse.

HI,
I’ve been in a relationship with a FN for the pass three years. I have showered her with gifts and many dinners and movies and trips. She has only given me two gifts and no cards. On the other hand I’ve always given her nicely wrapped gifts and special cards. She always seems to find something wrong with my gifts. They are too late or too early or not quite what she wants. Gifts cards are the best particularly if the cards are $400.00 or more. When we go to an expensive restaurant, she always finds something wrong. I failed to use valet service. The food is over cooked or under cooked or the service is too slow or the servers are not quick enough or smart enough. After a dinner costing several hundred dollars she’ll tell me that the other restaurant next door would have been much better. She is truly never happy. If I make any statement she doesn’t agree with and her feelings are hurt she goes silent and later tells me later that her feelings were so hurt and that I am mean. Then she can’t get enough of me. We’ll meet for breakfast and then go to a movie and then lunch and a walk on the beach and then dinner. This will go on for several days. The cost to me: breakfast $60.00; movie $33.00; lunch $115.00; dinner $225.00. She’ll often complain that I don’t want to see her. You get the idea. She keeps pushing to be married. Often pointing out the advantages. But complains that I’m selfish for not wanting to marry. She often flirts with male servers and she can’t understand why I’m upset with her. She often lies and when I’ve said something she’ll tell me the next day or week that the story if completely different. The worst thing is that she’s upset and she disappears for days on end and nothing is said. Then we get together and she acts as though nothing has happened. It’s like I’m from a different planet. Also, whatever happens, I’m never right. Never. Thanks for listening.

Walt

Thank you for this article. I was dropped kicked a year ago by my fn.

The depths of cruelties. The lies and distortions. Gaslighting. Twisting the knife.

She ended up exactly like her Narc dad, who routnily treated the women in his life, (including her mother) as cheap disposable items. The saddest part is realizing the absolute self hatred that she feels for herself. She ended up being a byproduct of a loveless union between a gifted Artist and a art critic.

She, my ex fn, calls herself, “Art royalty”. Truth be told; she is a traumatized little girl who witnessed orgies and lies while growing up.
I, (almost) feel sorry for her. I hope that she does not pass this disorder down to her daughter.

I was a food source for a female narcissist for about a year I got out about four years ago and spent a lot of time, with a therapist, in understanding what happened My current situation is not dire, but I am beginning to see what I lost in deeper focus. Trust, self-confidence, energy and more. I still think of her, but only with compassion, rather than the blame and hatred I felt for a long time. What i’m interested iin exploring is what are common long terms side effects (as above) and what can be one about them. For the record I’m an alcoholic and drug addict. In one week, I will be 34 years clean and sober. I’ve worked a program hard and still go to meetings. I know what recovery is about. But this one still has me confused. Bill