To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

Hi, and thanks for writing this article. As a man it is sometimes difficult to not feel attacked when the references to narcissists are mostly in the ‘he’, ‘his’, or ‘him’. I let go of my ego in these instances and realize the overall lack of significance of these pronouns. I do have a question for you and am wondering how you qualify this statement, ” most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male.” What study can be referenced with this statement? I’m also wondering how this can be quantified, as women and men obviously have different triggers and ways to manipulate. Thanks

I am a man currently trying to deal with the complete devistation of being gaslighted by my partner. I didn’t even know it was something people did, or had heard of it. I discovered about it while trying to find out what was “wrong” with me, and why, while in a relationship with a woman I loved so deeply, and so completely I wasn’t happy? I always felt not good enough or that I was over sensitive and that when she pointed this out to me she was right. Her ways where very subtle she would make me believe her Perseptions of how I felt or what I had said. She wouldn’t directly tell me anything or clearly make a point but rather guide me deceptively round to her point of view so in the end I would believe I had said, done ,and felt how she said. If I tried more intensely to be heard or get my point of view across she would stone wall me completely leaving me even more frustrated and hurt lowering my self esteem even further. For men like myself this form of emotional abuse is completely heart breaking and soul destroying. Not only are we men who display characteristics which are not stereo typical of how a man should be so are persecuted for that. We are now the target of a form of emotional abuse for being that way. My gaslighter exploited all of what I percieved to be my best qualitys. Empathy, kindness, love , sensitivity, generosity, and trust. Even after I realised what she was doing I wanted to be able to help her. I wanted to be able to deal with it and continue to love her how I always had and do. All the information on this subject comes to the same conclusion. I cannot help my abuser I can only get away and help myself. This goes against everything I am. I love this person like no other. I am the type of person who cannot walk away and needs to help and understand others. I know that the person who has done this isn’t a bad person. They have insecurity and fears and are vunerable and need to feel in control to survive. I know that if she continues to use this form of abuse she is never going to be truly happy or fill that hole of need she is so desperate to fill. It completely breaks my heart and being the type of person I am the last thing I want to do is walk away cut off all contact and abandon her to continue this futile behaviour. I know it will never make her happy and I know the people she gets close to who experience the same treatment I have won’t make her happy either. It’s the most soul destroying, self esteem sapping experience of my life and more should be done to raise awareness of this. Not only to help the victims of this form of torturus emotional/ mental abuse, but to help the abuser to see it in themselves and correct it. There are no winners in this only a trail of emotionally scarred human beings left to find some way to rebuild their lives.If you are either the victim or purpotrator of this kind of emotional abuse I wish you well and hope that one day you find love happiness or whatever you deserve in life. I know myself that for me every day is a struggle and recovery is a slow process. I hope some day to find a way to be the best version of myself and be comfortable with that.

Zari,

I’m really surprised at your response to Bridget. Sounds to me like her ex boyfriend was manipulated and love bombed into a new relationship. The narc has now isolated him. Narcs use very powerful covert manipulation similar to what cults use. So it’s very possible that SHE is responsible for him cheating. It’s not an excuse when you are dealing with manipulators. Sounds to me like you need to do more research on brainwashing/mind control/manipulatIon.

Terri

Greetings sweet woman. Wow! After doing much research for the last 6 months when I had been enlightened to that which I am suffering from, your perception and understanding on the subject is amazing. That which you have addressed in this article with a humble sincere heart and sober mind has provoked me to respond. Commenting on paragraph 2 ( your sneaky suspicion LOL ) ” might very well be the leaders in the evil department” has a very strong ring of truth to it. Before I go any further, I would like to say to all of women kind that seek understanding , compassion and love from your site, that I harbor no ill feelings towards women at all, for she was created from man to be one with him and help him. With that said, I shall reveal myself as a Christ follower, and share my belief on what his word has to say on this destructive character. Returning to ( the leaders in the evil department ) can be found and perceived in the book of Genesis chapter 3: verse 16. ( your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you ). Though there is much more that has been found in the bible about the character at hand, I just thought it interesting how much it just may relate to what you have said. By the way, the word desire being used here is not defined as the way we use it today. On the contrary, it is Evil. Now, touching on all you have said about the abilities to manipulate those who might give sympathy understanding, and care to the victim is SPOT- ON . I have personally witness this in 2 council meetings through my church, in which my wife had total control over those who thought where helping. They either we’re blinded by her performance or chose to be blinded, and this all happened before I knew what it was I was looking at and suffered from. I shall try to give a condensed version of the drama of it all that does nothing less than fortify your understanding you have shared in this site. 1. I went to seek help. 2. All attempts to receive help BACK FIRED! 3. I have been accused and judged of being the person that she is. 4. After experiencing 1-3 is when I came to be enlightened of the truth. Though it did relieve the burden of not knowing for 14 years, the pain is still carried. I know it will be a long journey to recovery and to get back that which has been robbed from me concerning that which pertains to my real identity. Yes, it is all true how such a character is able to suck out all of life’s joyous experiences of another, ridicule them, and trample under foot. I would rather be confronted with a hungry lion, for I would know where I stand in that face off ( no hidden agenda their ). This character destroys all that which is meant to be a blessing and richness of life that lives in the most inner parts of human beings. It may at times appear to want these wonderful human emotions and to experience them, but rest assured, it’s a set up to rob you of yours. They are unable to understand and experience, because of what lives deep inside, a darkness like no other. An all consuming hatred. An emptiness that can not be filled. You could, all most, refer to them as walking dead. I am very aware of all that I have shared and also realize there is some strong descriptions, but not all truths realities come to us in a meek and gentle way. The truth of all this has set me free. I find the knowledge I have gained to be priceless. As much pain the experience has caused, the up side ( joy and love for life ) will be much greater. I have gained a greater sense of empathy, Grace, love, compassion for humanity. I could continue sharing much more, but I will follow up by saying that my journey is being ended by means of divorce perpetrated by you know who. This seems in my opinion, to be their last resort when you no longer give them any thing to feed on. I also wish to express my love for all of you who has read this by saying ( DANG! I feel your pain ). May the love of GOD and the peace it can bring reach out to all of you, and if you have not experienced it, May I suggest that you seek for it. Your humbled neighbor William.

I had a narcissistic fiance (now ex and she’s going on a date within a few days after breaking up). It started great and she made me believe that we were going to be together forever. She’s very beautiful with a 6 year old son. Then I started to notice things. Everything was about her and she would always bring up exes and her husband that Overdosed and died. She has PTSD, major depression, anger issues and is an alcoholic to the point where her liver is starting to fail. Her now deceased husband tried to kill her (not sure if that’s true). We’ve been through 2 engagements and she broke off each one over text and yet I kept coming back because of trauma bonding. She would always bring me up and then come crashing down. Her mood and behavior would change constantly. She would cry and then get angry and start punching walls 2-4 times a day and then blame me for no reason. She hates criticism and she thinks she’s the smartest person in the world. She has a web of guys that’s always texting her wanting to be with her and that she can easily replace me whenever she wants. She’ll blame me saying I always want sex even though she brings it up most of the time and belittles me all the time so I never feel like I’m good enough. I have always been there for her when she needed me. We stayed in the hospital for 4 days and 2 of those days were in the ICU because of her drinking problem. Her parents take care of her son most of the time and he stays at their house. She lies all the time and I caught her talking to her ex and they started having phone sex. She called him because she told him we were engaged and he said he was happy for her. I’m guessing that pissed her off so she called and told him that she loved him and that they should be together and then had phone sex. When I confronted her about it, she said all they talked about was us getting married. I broke up with her and then 2 days later she wants me back and says she will change. She would break up with me almost once a week and then want me back a day or two later. I’m exhausted and it hurts because I know she’s definitely a narcissist and doesn’t care or love me. She would use her son against me and it makes it that much harder because he called me dad. I’m sorry that this is all over the place. My mind is mush and I’m tired. She brought the worst out in me but I was always optimistic that it would get better. Nothing is ever her fault and she shows no remorse. She doesn’t have many friends and she’s slept with married men before me. She’s a homewrecker. I know I should block her number and just move on but it’s extremely hard for me. I’ve stopped communication now for a few days and when she said she was going on a date, I just said that I was happy for her and goodbye.

January 1, 2018 my day of liberation.

For the first time in 19 years of being with a narcissist sociopath wife, I had the strength to stand up for myself and regain my manhood. You see, I filed a restraining order against her to stop the madness , the cruelty and manipulative abuse with my children against me. It was the first order of protection for the new year in all of Cook County, IL, to which the judge herself became deeply interested. When I showed the judge the pictures , the videos (of abuse) , heard what had happened to me ….she only had one question for me…why? Why have you stayed so long with this abusive spouse ? To which I gave her a two word response ….MY CHILDREN.

You see it’s hard to understand. But when a male has children, creates a family….he is programmed from the start to want to protect , nurture and support his family. Even if it means sacrificing his own happiness , his pride , his manhood . Anything for the sake of keeping the family together and avoid the dismantling of what was created. With that said , my narcissistic sociopath wife was in shock that I stood up for myself. When the order of protection was served, she played it off as if it was nothing as the sheriff instructed her to cease all abuse or face arrest. But she had to retaliate against me. On the day of her court appearance, she served me with divorce, thus starting a legal battle that to this day I’m fighting .

I share with you my story so that others may learn and realize that you my brother are not alone in the world . The pain you feel, seeing everything you worked so hard to build , wasnt all for nothing . You see I ask myself how could this happen to me? I’m a professional , an educator / teacher of 25 years. I have a masters degree and 11 license certifications. But one must remember , no amount of degrees or education can ever prepare you for what a narcissist will do to you. Even if I had a PHD, I’d still be the victim of the Narcissist. How can someone so educated fall for a lie ? It’s because we all want to believe that the people we love are capable of changing and that the greater the struggle , the greater the reward is for not giving up. I hope my story will help you realize that you were never the problem , it was her all along . That no matter what you did , no matter what you sacrificed for her, it wouldn’t matter anyways. Once a narcissist is done using you, you will be discarded like a piece of trash .

My nightmare began on Labor Day in 1999 where I met my wife. She told me she had just broken up with her boyfriend (the luckiest man in the world I refer to) ,

so I guess I was the rebound guy .

After dating a few months , I felt her sucking me in with no chance to breath in our relationship. We had to be together everyday, talk to each other on the phone , and even moving in together came up and marriage after only a few months of dating . She would shower me with expensive gifts costing thousands , she’d be all over me sexually and made me feel like a king . I guess this is what they call this stage as love bombing. But keep in mind , it was all a strategic part to dismantle my defenses and to gain control over me.

Red flags started popping up as my instincts kept telling me things about this girl were off. She seemed overly controlling and desperate with me . She came from a very abusive father who emotionally abused her and at one time threw her out of the house . So to find out more about her I pulled a Seinfeld tv show move. There was an episode were Jerry was dating a girl and checked her medicine cabinet to find out more about her to see what kind of medication she was on which is a valuable source of information. Sure enough I did the same and found a prescription for Zoloft which is for depression . I confronted her with it to which she cleverly responded , I told you I was abused by my father and was still trying to cope with the emotional fallout from it. Sounded like a pretty good answer doesn’t it ? But in reality she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder .

I tried breaking it off with her because I could tell she was emotionally damaged and didn’t want to deal with daddy issues later on in our relationship. So I gently broke it off with her. But she refused to give up. In her mind how can a pretty girl get dumped by an average looking guy. She became enraged that I cut it off with her. So she stalked my house , my outings with friends and kept calling me with excuses to see me to finally I gave in and decided to give her a chance , which turned out was a big mistake .

You see she told me she was pregnant. But in reality she faked it all. She took me to doctors appointments. She took her prenatal vitamins in front of me. She even showed me the pregnancy stick which was positive . She started putting pressure upon me to live up to being a man and move in to take care of my responsibility. So I bought $3,000 in furniture to decorate for our upcoming baby. Remind you , I had just graduated from college and had huge student loan debt . But again , I thought it was my duty as a man to handle my responsibilities. She even started to gain weight to make it look real. But after several months went by, I asked to be present for ultra sound and see the baby within her , to which she freaked out. A week later, she faked a miscarriage. She said let’s go to Great America and after a few rides complain she wasn’t feeling well. All this time my internal instincts kept telling me this girl is faking everything. Next thing I know she claims she started bleeding and lost the baby.

But it doesn’t end there . A few weeks later she frantically calls me saying she’s pregnant for real. To which I was like sure you are like you faked it last time. She even admitted she did but said this time was real. Funny how now she took me to the doctor and had an ultrasound to prove it. Over the months during the pregnancy was a nightmare because she came off the Zoloft and her mood swings were a nightmare . But once they baby was born , she settled down , Atleast so I thought . Then came my night mare. Ever seen a narcissist with post partum pregnancy depression? She said she didn’t love me anymore and kept breaking up with me and then taking me back . She would make plans to move out and take our baby away to which I begged her not to. When I would be alone with my child, she said if I dared to take our child outside without her permission, she’d report a kidnapping and issue out an Amber Alert. I was freaking traumatized by that because I knew she was capable of it.

She started calling my sister telling her I was abusive to her (triangulation as they call it) to spread the lies and destroy my reputation with my own family. My own sis called me telling me to straighten up or that she’ll tell our parents to get involved . My own sister wouldn’t even believe me that none of what my girlfriend was saying was true . That’s how powerful convincing she was. That is until a week later. You see she started fighting with me for no reason and I tried ignoring her. A big mistake that was because next thing I know she picked up a big candle and threw it at my face smashing my nose and blood exploded every where even on our 1 year old child . I raced to the ER and it was reported to police as domestic violence to which was documented. But I didn’t have the heart nor strength to put my baby’s mother in jail nor prosecute her. The Chicago police detective who came to see me days later warned me that he sees this abuse happen all the time and said the next time she’ll be the one calling the police claiming abuse and we will arrest you because 9/10 officers will arrest the male. He even gave me advice and said if I didn’t want to press charges that I needed to start documenting everything and take pictures and video to protect myself for the one day she decides to strike against me. From that moment on , I took his friendly advice.

As the days turned into months and months into years, I was punched , slapped, kicked, scratched so badly my skin was ripped off my body . I was told I was worthless , emotionally and verbally beaten down as I supported her and our child . It got so bad that I decided to plan my escape and abandon the apartment and move back home. For whatever reason my narcissist sense something and said she was sorry for everything and wanted to work things out for our baby’s sake. Yeah I know what a low blow. She even articulated a very powerful argument justifying her erratic abusive behavior. She said I gave you a child , a son . I cook for you , I gave you my love and you couldn’t even propose to me and get married . I’m good enough to have a child with but not to marry ? How do you think I feel ? I feel terribly used and began the tears she made. She said she felt so hurt that she couldn’t hide her emotions anymore and that’s why the abuse happened. I’m telling you I tried convincing her to give up her career and switch to acting because she gave an Oscar academy award when she told me all this and like an asshole I believed all her lies and manipulation as what narcissist do. The day I asked for her hand in marriage from her father , he warned me not to marry her because she was a bad person and she would end up destroying our marriage. Can you believe that her own father warned me to stay away from her.

Fast forward we were engaged. Yeah I know, I ignored her fathers advice . everything seemed wonderful between us once she got what she wanted. But it was the calm before the storm as they say. She was on her best behavior planning for the wedding . As a Christian we had to attend pre marriage classes. On one session the priest look straight at me and said what’s the matter, to which I told him I wasn’t sure if my girlfriend was ready for marriage or knew what it took to being committed as a wife should be. Right there my girlfriend was crying , telling the priest that all she ever wanted was my love and to be married to me and be a family. Dam she was convincing back then. I can still see the crocodile tears in her eyes . A year after we married and buying her a house, she said she wanted a divorce and wasn’t sure she loved me. Can you believe that , after everything, demanding marriage, the lies to the priest , now she wanted a divorce to which no reason was given as to why . Because narcissist don’t give real reasons , just excuses . After threatening me with divorce, I found out she embezzled $25,000 from her company to pay off the wedding . And on top of that was pregnant with our second child . Her company threaten her with arrest if she didn’t start paying them back . Now with soon to be 2 children, a house and a fired criminal wife to support on a teachers salary, I gave her company $10,000 and establish a payment plan as to not persecute her. Now I know at this point some people would’ve filed for divorce and left. But I kept thinking about my vows for good times and bad . My children and family I also kept thinking about . I needed to hold on and keep this family together and be the voice of reason and stability in this family.

When my second child was born , honestly things changed immediately. My wife became like a real wife. She was no longer angry , no longer reckless and irresponsible. She was always happy and in a good mood. For 3 years it was heaven on earth . For those who are wondering what happened, without my knowledge my wife was back on anti depressant medication. Then all of a sudden she quit . And with her quitting , back came the fighting , the violence , the manipulation. In fact your not going to believe this she broke my nose again but this time with a baseball bat . Again I was back in the ER but told them I got involved in a car accident . I knew if the police were involved, DCFS would be called and I wasn’t emotionally willing to deal with that . As usual , she said she was terribly sorry . Than days later came the it was self defense excuse and that I was abusive to her. Can you believe the nerve of her of blaming me for her breaking my nose. But like a loser that I am , I forgave . Throughout the years , she ran up my credit , because narcissist are by nature reckless, irresponsible people financially who damage their own credit and seek to use others for financial means . Man my wife used me up pretty bad. We moved and I bought her another house just to make her happy. Your not going to believe this , one month after we moved in, she filed a restraining order on me claiming emotional abuse . I just bought this psycho b@a$& a $400,000 house and I’m forced to leave my own home. Again it was all part of her control over me to destroy my will , my spirit , my heart.

For those who never went through being served with a restraining order , it’s the worse experience of your life. A sheriff came to my door thinking a terrible accident happened to my kids or wife and they tell me I have exactly 10 minutes to get my clothes and leave my own home or I’ll be arrested. As they were counting down the minutes out loud, I cried out in Gods name to save me. I begged God why was this happening to me after everything I did for this women .

I was so emotionally destroyed and nervous , I packed my clothes except for my pants and underwear because I was a nervous reck. The messed up part was the sheriff allowed her in our home to watch me scream and cry out as I packed in disbelief. She kept saying she was sorry but obviously not sorry enough to stop the madness . It was like a train reck that she had to see the damage she was inflicting upon me. I was gone for 3 full weeks and was forbidden to see my own children. I stayed at my parents in total shock and disbelief. I was so desperate I even called the priest who married us and who told me he wasn’t surprised to hear from me. When I heard him say that and told him what had happened, he said he would break his confession promise that my wife had shared with him. Apparently, she was seeing the priest behind my back and admitted to him about the stealing money from her work and other things she was involved in. The priest she was confessing too was also a psychologist and had diagnosed her with mental illness. The very priest who married us was now telling me he believed everything I was telling him and recommended an annulment against her.

When it was time for court , my lawyer threatened to show the judge the pictures of abuse throughout the years and reveal how abusive she was. Remember the advice that Chicago police detective gave me on making sure I document everything with pictures ? Wherever you are officer , thank you because his advice saved me from being labeled an abuser. The order of protection was withdrawn by my wife and I was back at home with my kids .

My wife even apologized and seemed remorseful. That is until a year later she got pregnant and blamed me for it . Behind my back she took the pill to cause a miscarriage thereby having an abortion . And on top of that couldn’t handle the decision she made alone without my knowledge. So she went back to court to punish me and filed another restraining order against me . Yes I know it sounds crazy doesn’t it? But narcissist people ladies and gentlemen NEVER take any responsibility in life nor in their decisions.

Again , the sheriff showed up at my house . The funny thing was that after the first restraining order , I had a luggage of clothes already packed just in case for any future incidents . My mother who was furious demanded I divorced my wife claiming she was mentally ill and hated seeing me suffer and being used.

My lawyer felt so bad for me, he charged me nothing to represent me again at court . But before we went to court my wife called my attorney to propose a deal . I had to pay her car payments, her insurance, her cell phone bill and other bills in order for her to withdraw the order of protection. It was either I give in or battle it out in court and risk loosing not seeing my children. So again I caved in and paid for everything.

After that , like a vicious dysfunctional cycle things between us calmed down and she was on her best behavior. That is until she decided to enter a beauty pageant contest . I begged her not to do it because she had no experience in speaking publicly. But I guess it was to feed her narcissist ego. Funny thing is entering into a beauty pageant isn’t about all looks . You actually need to be able to articulate yourself and be able to think . On the day of the pageant, she forgot her lines and stuttered. It was a terrible disaster and she felt humiliated. After the pageant she gave me the silent treatment for 16 months .

During that time she took everything away . The food she cooked she threw away preventing me from eating . If I bought food and put it in the refrigerator, she’d throw it out. She would hide the toilet paper from me, stole my clothes and hid them. She wouldn’t let me take my own kids out unless I had her permission. I couldn’t sleep in my own bed, nor be allowed to be in the same room as her. On thanksgiving day she cooked a turkey and locked herself in the kitchen with our children as they ate . I was so hungry that day. On thanksgiving day I had McDonald’s instead. When the kitchen was open I figured I get done of that delicious tasty turkey . Nope, not a chance . She gave the leftovers to our dog so that I couldn’t have any . On Christmas she took our kids to see her parents in another state, leaving me alone for over a week. On Easter , on my birthday and any other special event , I was prevented from having my kids be with me as she took them away, just so that I would be alone and suffer.

On December 25, 2017 as our kids were opening their Christmas gifts. I gave my wife her gift and wished her a merry Christmas, to which she responded in front of our children….go fuck your self . Days later on December 31 New Years eve, I begged my wife to stop the cruelty, the silent treatment, that I’d be willing to do anything. She responded by telling me that she was filing for divorce soon. So I left to the basement to get my clothes because I wanted to stay at my parents house. As I gathered my clothes from the laundry machine and made a small mess….she came to the basement and said I needed to learn my lesson and actually called the police on me for no valid reason other than to torture and inflict maximum damage upon me . You see narcissist people like to end relationship on important dates like ones birthday , Christmas, if you were diagnosed with cancer, or in my case ….new years eve. It’s called the grand finale! They want to leave you emotionally crippled and scarred forever.

As you can imagine on a cold winter night on New Year’s Eve, 5 police officers showed up at my door. She apparently had called 911 and said I was violently throwing things in the basement and was scared. I was humiliated in front of my children and my own neighbors. I showed them the pictures of abuse to prove to them I was the actual victim of her abuse . The police eventually believed me but called dcfs on our family because of the dysfunctional environment.

If you had already forgotten, my career is in education. If I’m indicated or found guilty of child abuse I can lose not only my job but my career. The premeditated stunt my wife had pulled had jeopardized my livelihood. Eventually dcfs found me not guilty because they said that every year when the new year starts , there’s a spike in child abuse claims because the other spouse wants to divorce and launches false accusations.

After that incident , was when I decided to take action against my wife and stand up for myself because I was terribly frightened of what more she was capable of doing against me. I finally had enough!!!

Though my struggle is far from over . She said I could keep the house and share in custody of our children. But in court she’s denying me everything and refuses to negotiate in good faith. My lawyer said she’s so sick that it looks like she’s planning on dragging out this divorce process in order to torture me further .

There is so much more to my tragic story but the point has been made that narcissist people can never change and any relationship you might have with them , will end up destroyed. The good news is that I found myself closer to God. If you ever read the Bible , there are countless stories of people suffering but overcoming their obstacles in life . Moses had pharaoh and the Red Sea . King David had the philistines and Goliath. Even Jesus had his own obstacles with the Pharasiss and his own crucification by the Romans .

I had my wife and the demons that haunted inside her.

Regardless, what I learned is that we are all called upon at some moment of our life in which God will test our faith in him. Rise up men and take the lead as brothers , as fathers , as a son . Our children need us in their lives and never let anyone devalue the importance of having a loving father in a child’s life. If my wife had gotten the love from her own father , none of this would’ve ever happened.

Jay

Thanks for your compassion for your brothers in pain reflected in your letter Zari. I lost my 30 year relationship, career and most of my close friends as a result of Narcissistic Discard by FN. Indeed I nearly lost my mind. In truth I probably did but luckily found it again.
Evil is a good (excuse the irony) word to use but not one I subscribed to using much previously. Yes most of the articles refer to the Narc as He but not all. The real evil in my case was my FN’s enthusiasm to ride on the back of gender equality and very necessary change movements such as #metoo to prosecute her false narrative and run a smear campaign against me(well before stupid me had any inkling of what was going on. I still find it hard to fathom that one human can do that to another let alone one they professed to love.).
Such behaviour undermines not only the targeted individuals but potentially gives ammunition to those who oppose progressive social movements critical to improving society. As a son, brother, father and friend of fantastic women I find such cynical manipulation terrifying and very close to evil.

Your brother in arms (of the huggy not shooty sort)
Steve