To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

My wife basically destroyed and took my entire life. I’m living homeless, trying to survive, while dealing with round 3 of criminal charges she had me arrested for, even though she admitted that the first 2 were wrong, and she shouldn’t have done it. I finally managed to be allowed to live at home again after 8 months and less than 24hours later she said she hadn’t wanted me home so soon. A week or so later she told me “I will have you removed again, you’ll see, you won’t be here long” so on Valentine’s day 2020 she did it again. And I’ve been able to see 4 our of our kids once, and two of them twice, since then. It’s July 2021 now, and all signs point to her not wanting me back at all, even though she says she loves me and wants to be together. She has displayed most of what is considered narcissistic behavior and bipolar Disorder, among others. She has no regard for what this does to our family or the kids. Her family is pushing for us to be apart and she listens to everyone else, even when she knows they’re lying about something, and she uses everything against me. Since our last child was born, I haven’t been able to do or say anything right. She has a problem with every single thing I do or say. She denies everything and anything. She doesn’t care how much she lies, to me, or anyone else. Whatever keeps her out of trouble and from having to deal with her actions. She would lock me out of the house for the night sometimes, no matter how cold it was. I live in Ontario Canada. I once spent the night in the garage when the temperature was minus 42 Celsius with the windchill. The garage is not insulated and is very drafty, and al I had was a small kerosene heater. And she did that often. Then she sent word to my manager at work that I was not sleeping and often staying out all night. I lost my job of 22 years soon after. One week later I was arrested for assault. And she agreed that I wasn’t guilty of assault. But she didn’t change her statement and tried to blackmail me with another accusation if I didn’t plead guilty. I refused, and she did it a second time. When I was home for 2 weeks in February 2020, she kept saying how happy she was before I came home again. And she has turned the kids and even my own family against me. I basically have nobody.
When I read other people’s stories about their experiences, it’s like reading my own. The is often one difference, but I’d say 95% is usually the same. And yes, we hurt too. I have always been more open about feelings and emotions and things like that than my wife, and I saw there was a problem and tried to work on our differences, but she refused. She’d say there was nothing to talk about or nothing was wrong. Then suddenly, everything was wrong and she made it public instead of talking to me. She accused me of things she did and does, and she is the one who creates the turmoil, and will follow me when I walk away, and won’t stop, until she has something to make me look bad for. She is the violent one. And she has the kids. She made me out to be a horrible father and husband. She has the house, my tools and equipment that I often need, but I can’t access them. She still controls so much of my life and it makes me feel sick every day. Sometimes it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest. My hair is going white rapidly and i’m 40. She used to be on antidepressants and going to counseling, which was helping, until her family decided it was not necessary. She has never been diagnosed with anything and I doubt she will be anytime soon, unless something happens that leaves her no choice but to finally go see a doctor about her behavior. After the first arrest I went to our family doctor for help, but she had beaten me there and turned him against me too.
I want to forgive her and be together again, for the kids sake at least. And we can be good together, but it’s not looking too hopeful. I don’t know what to think anymore. I have tried to get a little hope or something from her through others, but she gives me the opposite every time. Maximum damage and hurt, every time. I don’t know how people can do this to anyone. To their own children. The spouse they vowed to love honor and support for life. After the first arrest, she promised to do whatever it takes to be a good wife to me. But this is what I get instead. She doesn’t seem to feel any real remorse, and has no problem going to bed angry. She expects me to forgive her for everything with apology, and never let’s me off the hook for anything I ever did. She uses it over and over again no matter how many times I have asked her to forgive me.
Thanks for giving me a chance to talk about this. There really is next to no support for men in this area, and no one believes me anyway. Not the police, or social workers, people in general, as if they simply don’t believe me because of the extreme nature of what I say happened to me. I spend my weekends on a dirt road while my wife and kids go to family functions and gatherings.
Hopefully she and her family don’t come across this, or I’ll get it some way or another. If I dare say anything about this, they get furious.

I have been living in this hell for far too long. We’ve been married 13 years, have 3 daughters, but I’m older and wiser now (courage) and I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ve been covering it up. I am married to whom I feel like is the epitome of a female narcissist. I started putting my foot down late last year. Our family life (house) is riddled with tension, anxiety, and her explosive anger is off the chart. It is very scary for our girls. I feel like I’m constantly shaking now. My confidence level is like a roller coaster, and she’s only becoming more aggressive. Very few would believe me. My wife is seen as this “big-hearted best person I know” and “you’re so lucky to be married to her” narcissist. It sickens me. I can’t even type correctly or speak clearly right now.
I need a group badly, and of course seeing a therapist right now (Covid) is practically impossible given the high volume that’s seeking treatment. They are all booked solid. This is like prison. Mental torment. The things she has said to me, under breath, at the most opportune times, is unbelievable. You can’t even believe some would speak in such a way to inflict that type of harm. Nobody sees it. She is a master at it. I can go on and on. Thankful for running into your letter to men.

What about when it’s a sister abusing her brother, who is so co-dependent he refuses to see it?

I have been searching for genuine support regarding my own deconstruction at the hands of a narcisistic wife. The fact that my own search yielded next to nothing to read, learn, or understand about being a Male Victim of a Narcisistic Female, is in direct correlation with the absence of voice that we encounter when we have finally built enough courage to peak over the walls that silence us.
I know my own personal experience has been to climb back down and run back to my cell, since my peak over the wall made me more likely to report a bigfoot sighting than to share what it is like to be a married male victim.

Do you know of any supper groups for male victims in the Orange County, California area? It seems like a hard group to find.

“I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive.” You’re a fucking narcissist. Shut the fuck up. Case in point, this post won’t efface you, so it’ll be deleted.

Thank you so much for acknowledging and recognizing the pain that we go through. I’m not at all surprised that it’s worse. And I can’t wait to hear the reasons and your justifications. And with said, I will read your article.