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To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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299 Comments

  • Maxie

    July 18, 2015 at 7:47 am Reply

    Hi Zari—At some point, I realize that I have to get out there again and I will run into my ex-Narc at one of my gigs. Last Friday night was a “close call”. I went to one of the clubs I play at to see a friend’s group perform . I had just finished a gig with the Hawaiian Band I play with and was assured that the coast was clear by one of my bandmates who got there before me. What he “forgot” to tell me was her best friend (and fellow Narc) was there. She approached me the second I stepped through the door as if she had some kind of radar. I immediately look toward the table that she came from and she said, “oh don’t worry, she’s not here”. I replied, “that’s good”. She proceeded to tell me all about her new love interest that she had found in Hawaii who was from the same town that I born and went on and on…blah, blah, blah. I was very careful not to mention a single word about her partner in crime (my ex), especially since her birthday was the following day. I know for sure that it would have gotten to her within seconds. I remained quiet and just listened as she rambled on about how marvelous this new guy was ( like I really cared). I excused myself and made the rounds, saying hello to a few musician friends I haven’t seen in a long time, having to answer the recurring question: “Where the heck have you been?” Then, as I was leaving, she approached me again and said, “it was so nice to see you, please stay in touch, ok?”. My bandmate thought she was being very cordial. I told him that there’s an old Native American Indian saying: “The message of a dove is seldom brought by a hawk”. Needless to say, it was a very awkward evening for me and it brought back painful memories, even without my ex physically being here. I still cannot believe that I actually gave my heart to that parasitical predator.

    I hope things are going well with you and that you’re getting back into singing again. I know you are busy lady!

    Thank you for your support!
    Maxie

    • Zari Ballard

      July 28, 2015 at 7:40 pm Reply

      Maxie wrote…there’s an old Native American Indian saying: “The message of a dove is seldom brought by a hawk”.

      Hi Maxie,

      Wow…I love that saying and isn’t it true! I’m so glad that you didn’t mention her to the friend because you KNOW that it came up in conversation. I understand that it was a weird night because we tend to associate everything that had anything to do with the narcissist – friends especially – as being all about him/her all the time. Many, many times (during other break-ups), I’d be playing somewhere and one of his co-workers or quasi-friends or a musician (of course) that we’ve both jammed with or a sister of a cousin’s father’s uncle (who knows!) would pop in and sit there all night and YUCK! It was all I could do to not slip out the side door, know what I mean?

      Well, at least you’re getting it out of the way. When and if it finally DOES happen, it won’t be nothin’ but a thang!! LOL

      Zari xo

      • Maxie

        July 29, 2015 at 1:59 pm Reply

        Hi Zari—Yes, sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then other times I can’t even see the tunnel. They all have PhD’s in brainwashing! One thing that seems to work for me is having a list of all the shitty (and really fucked up) things she has said and did to me during our “Camelot from hell relationship”. Whenever I look at this list—which I do whenever I start to miss the monster—it literally sickens me. I also periodically review “When Evil is a Pretty Face” and Martha Stout’s “The Sociopath Next Door” and still cannot believe that there are people (or aliens, as you call them) who have no empathy or conscience and literally have ice water running through their veins.

        I’m sure I’ll run into her eventually, probably at some club or restaurant where I’m playing. If she’s had a few too many glasses of wine (which she ALWAYS does), I’m sure she’ll approach me with some ass clown remark. I’ll have to be prepared for a response. My sister-in-law, who’s been ravaged by a full blown sociopath and fully understands my plight, advised that I should just walk away and say nothing. However, I think I’ll do something more tactful and classy: perhaps say, “fuck you”, then walk away LOL!

        These last five months of NC has been priceless for helping cleanse myself from the emotional addiction to this spineless misfit. For one thing, it allows you to step back look at the big picture. This this the picture that my friends could see, but I couldn’t—the fact the you are literally being sucked into a web of betrayal, deception and pathological lying. And, the fact that someone could walk away from a relationship where so many endearing and intimate moments were shared without the least bit of remorse, empathy or conscience can only mean one thing: It was never real to begin with. This is probably the hardest pill to swallow, however, I believe until you do swallow that pill you will begin to heal from the pain and trauma. The truth was really a lie, from day one. And, those afflicted with this disorder are destined to repeat their pattern of failed relationships—relationships based on deception and pathological lying.

        Thank you for supporting all of us!
        Maxie

      • Maxiey

        November 5, 2015 at 9:01 pm Reply

        Hi Zari—I cannot begin to tell you how much more peaceful life has been since I’ve adopted a policy of permanent No Contact with my ex-Narc. As you well know, this is not easy, and I do find myself occasionally drifting back and “re-romanticizing” the relationship. The key benefit of No Contact for me has been the opportunity to step back and reflect on the reality that it was ALL an illusion from day one. During the relationship I was consistently brainwashed and kept in state of anxiety and confusion through her expert use Gas lighting, over-the-top public displays of affection (complete acting of course), and pathological lying. However, once distanced from her, the reason for her repeated and disturbingly numerous past relationship failures became clear as a bell.

        You mentioned that “it’s better to be mad than sad”. I must agree. Most literature on the subject recommends anger has a healthy step in moving forward and recovering from the severe damage that your self-esteem has been subjected to. However, we should not hold on to that anger—since it curtails reaching the state of completely letting go (indifference). I believe this should be on a case-by-case basis. When you compare what you’ve gone through with a Narcissistic partner compared to a normal individual, it’s similar to comparing the Boy Scouts to the Navy Seals. So, if anger is an integral aspect that protects you from these predators, then it should be harbored for as long as you desire. I myself harbor both anger and utter disgust at the thought of her—and I see no change in this philosophy in the near nor distant future.

        Thank you for your support and friendship,
        Maxiey

        • Zari Ballard

          November 21, 2015 at 10:50 pm Reply

          Hi Maxiey,

          Oh fuck all that psycho babble! LOL It’s whatever it takes to get ya through it. My experience is that the feeling goes from being hurt to being pissed and then straight to indifference. And the final shift does it on it’s own…just like you say, there’s no time limit to holding the anger. I completely agree and I don’t care what the textbooks say.

          I hope all is going good with you. My drummer texted me last week to say hi and I knew I had to ante up or lose a potential opportunity. So, I sucked it up and stopped by his house last night. My sound guy, one of the guitarists, and the new singer dude they’re working with were there. I was nervous but I did it – hadn’t contacted anyone for a long time. I kinda tip-toed in with my tail between my legs but I had a good time. The new singer dude pulled out the acoustic, of course, to show off his originals. It was cool. So, tomorrow night, since I know what time they practice, I’ve already decided to show up at the jam room to surprise the other guitarist and my bass player and to hear them all practice. Sloooooowly but surrrrrrely, I’ll weasel my way back in and the next thing they know they’ll be practicing with ME on the off nights! That’s usually how it happens when I come back! ha-ha! Hope you’re still jamming – it will keep you sane:) I’ve waited so long to get back that I don’t quite have all my confidence but I will.

          Much love to ya brother!

          Zari xo

          • gary aka topper

            November 21, 2015 at 11:24 pm

            Zari,

            Well, I knew there was something I liked about you, Zari. As a 67 year old retired guy, I have played music from the third grade, from trumpet, baratone, bass guitar, sousaphone and acoustic guitar, to now that I am playing accordion. My music ranges from some doo op to Morricone.

            MUSIC IS THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE OF PEACE.

            My accordion favorite are, Le Vie en Rose and Va Pensiero by Verdi.

            gary….aka topper

          • Zari Ballard

            November 22, 2015 at 1:13 am

            Hi Gary,

            Another musician – and a very multi-talented one at that! How very cool! I’ve been a hard rocker for years now but way, way back, when I lived on the east coast, I studied classical opera privately until my second year in college – and I mean CLASSICAL. I would sing arias in all different languages by learning the lyrics phonetically – it was crazy. Then I joined a rock band and I’d show up for opera practice completely hoarse from singing at the bar the night before. My opera teacher gave me an ultimatum and I CHOSE ROCK & ROLL!! lol. Long story short, moved to Tucson and started a band that became very popular locally for many years. We became local celebrities, opening in town for a Quiet Riot reunion tour, Tesla, Lenny Kravitz, Black Crowes, and some big bands out of LA. When that ended, I started The Zari Ballard Band and that’s basically where I’m at today except that for the last few years, I’ve been laying low until last night. Now I’ve just got to slither my way back in. LOL But they can’t say no, they love me, I love them. It’s all good!

            I love that you play bass, acoustic, accordion…your range of music and obvious abilities are across the board. Very, very cool:) Yes, music speaks to all of us…the language of peace it truly is:)

            Rock on, Gary!

            Zari xo

          • Maxie

            November 23, 2015 at 8:10 pm

            Hi Zari—First and foremost, I think it’s great that you’re working your way back into singing again. And, I like the idea of the Zari Ballard Band—that needs to happen! It’s in your blood and you must be very talented. I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re in the full swing of things and the band is cookin’! It’s part of the full circle journey back to being your healthy and happy self again—and Narcissist free.

            I also strongly agree that one should thread carefully when reading textbook theory on the subject. One author claims that Narcissism is “essentially a spectrum of self-importance— and everyone falls somewhere on the scale between utter selflessness and total arrogance”. All of a sudden a condition identified by the professional community as a disorder now has a “healthy side”. Really? Hmm, I wonder where one would find a humble and empathic Narcissist? Certainly not on this planet!

            As for me, I’ve been playing a ton of music, but have slowed down a bit on the book. However, I’m determined to finish it. There’s so much to say and the story/informative format is really working well: chapter vignettes, followed by chapter reviews which walk the reader through the mechanics of the disorder and the warped reality of these disjointed parasites. Like you, I too am pissed that I wasted so much time and effort on a monster!

            Thank you for writing and keep on singing!

            MadMaxie

          • Zari Ballard

            December 1, 2015 at 2:07 pm

            MadMaxie wrote…I also strongly agree that one should thread carefully when reading textbook theory on the subject. One author claims that Narcissism is “essentially a spectrum of self-importance— and everyone falls somewhere on the scale between utter selflessness and total arrogance”. All of a sudden a condition identified by the professional community as a disorder now has a “healthy side”. Really? Hmm, I wonder where one would find a humble and empathic Narcissist? Certainly not on this planet! I love the sarcasm – made me laugh right out loud. Hilarious! This is exactly what I mean about the psycho-babble…it’s makes no sense at all.

            Hi Maxie,

            Just like I said would happen, I showed up at THEIR practice Saturday night, hung out with the guys for a few hours, didn’t even have to sing a single song – AND I’M IN! The new singer was very cool to me and it looks like I’ll be opening for them at some upcoming shows. They are all top-notch musicians…the best in this town. I feel so grateful to have worked with all of them on and off for years. To put my band together, I’m borrowing their drummer to be my guitar player, their second guitar player to be my drummer, and the bass player. Since Saturday, I’ve already been back twice just to work out some of my songs. Hurray!! It’s changed my entire disposition this week…I’ve had all kinds of energy, picked up the guitar at home and been practicing…just been happy in general. Amazing how that works, eh? You get it:)

            I love it that you’re writing a book about the experience. There really is a missing niche for that for the guys. Sure, I can write all about it but to have a guy do it is the best thing. Just plug away at it and it will get finished. I slack sometimes too but eventually it all gets done. Slacking because you’ve got a whole lot going on musically can only be a good thing!

            Keep rockin’ and thanks for checking in!

            Zari xo

        • gary aka topper

          November 21, 2015 at 11:16 pm Reply

          maxie,

          you are so correct about anger. Being angry is a total waste of you valuable time, that we have so little of to be happy.

          topper

  • Zari Ballard

    June 29, 2015 at 8:32 am Reply

    Dear Helen,

    If I waited to hear both sides of every story that comes in here, I’d never be able to respond to anyone. Do you understand that? I’m putting your posts through in hopes that he’ll see that you responded and read them. Then, after a day or so, I’ll just delete them both (yours and his). It’s all I can do at this point. I wish you well and hope that he gets the message. Unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader and as we both know, these guys are slick.

    Zari

  • Jim

    June 21, 2015 at 5:32 pm Reply

    At first I felt inclined to right a dialogue about the details of my last relationship with a female narcissist. Right now, six full months after the breakup, I still feel wounded in a way that seems like it’ll never go away. They move on (or appear to), and I don’t. To sum it all up in short, it absolutely confounds me how someone can think and treat you like you’re the greatest, then as you put in one of your responses, erase you. They’re the victim and never apologize. At our ages (40’s), people still can’t have the decency and introspection to deal with stuff head on; you get blamed for everything, then they disappear. It’s one thing to be dating someone who is just kind of nonchalant in general regarding their feelings about you, but when you get elevated to a godlike status and are then tossed aside… it’s been one of life’s toughest pills to swallow.

  • John Desautels

    June 20, 2015 at 9:56 am Reply

    One thing I had to face is that I am angry and discusted at a sub human evil robot. It would be like me having deep remorse and sadness over an old unreliable computer system that just shreadded all of my files. The rage get’s none of us anywhere and the computer doesn’t care that it has gone to a new trashy home. It lacks feelings. My former N. now dates a sex predator after formerly being married to a pedophile. Of course little mrs. good girl failed to mention her wicked past until it was way to late. These are sick sociopaths. Mine was-is a math teacher….and we wonder why our education system has problems? I hurt like everyone else on here and badly. But we are victims, we were betrayed, violated and all share a common bond. These monsters through public awareness and thanks to Zari need to be brought to light. They look just like you and I, they are the guy next door or the local baker-but, trust me, their is nothing normal about them. I am working on a red flags checklist through therapy that I will share with everyone once done. They all do display these red flags we just must be more attune with our subconscious minds to catch them at there game before we are sucked into the vortex.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 1, 2015 at 5:49 pm Reply

      John wrote…One thing I had to face is that I am angry and discusted at a sub human evil robot. It would be like me having deep remorse and sadness over an old unreliable computer system that just shreadded all of my files. The rage get’s none of us anywhere and the computer doesn’t care that it has gone to a new trashy home. What a perfect analogy!

      Hi John,

      When we think of these sub-humans in that context – relating them to an inanimate object to which our emotion absolutely will have no effect – it puts them in an entirely new light. We give them far too much humanness as it is and they don’t deserve it. Much better to imagine them as a trashy computer that, being that it never really worked anyway, was, in effect, un-fixable and so clogged up with bullshit that it never did anything productive for us from the day we got it. So out to the dumpster it goes to await the next fool. MUWAHAHAHHHHHH!!

      Zari xo

  • John Desautels

    June 17, 2015 at 6:40 am Reply

    I remembered something this morning about my N that in retrospect was quite revealing. I am a talker and most of my friends and ex wife would probably agree. My N used to love me babbling and sit as though she was intently listening to what I myself most of the time was saying was trivial and not worth that much focus. I realized she-the predator was studying me deeply. Digging into my habits, routines, weak spots in my personality, vulnerabilities. I would also notice what I call “mirroring” during the early phase of our relationship where she would attempt to at what I first thought show commonality but in hind sight was mirroring me as she changed herself as a shape shifter into whatever environment she needed to act appropriately for the role. Of all the creepy things she ever said to me it was the first thing on the first deep conversation and the last thing on the night before I was discarded that will always stand out in my head. She said, “I like fantasy.” At the heart of my N at least and I believe many of these others is a deep seeded need to create a complete very detailed and twisted 3d movie with a plot from beginning to end that they write, direct, produce and we are the characters in. As I continue my recovery thanks in large part to Zari, her book and this group I will post again. John E. Desautels II

    • Zari Ballard

      June 18, 2015 at 10:46 pm Reply

      John wrote...At the heart of my N at least and I believe many of these others is a deep seeded need to create a complete very detailed and twisted 3d movie with a plot from beginning to end that they write, direct, produce and we are the characters in.

      Hi John,

      A great observation…keep them coming:) And they will use EVERYTHING you tell them against you when they need to. No doubt she was studying you VERY intently!

      Zari xo

      Zari xo

  • John Desautels

    June 2, 2015 at 4:32 pm Reply

    I just was destroyed by one of these predators a month ago. I care barely breath it hurts so bad. I am going to a psychologist, psychiatrist, talk therapy, self help books etc. … nothing takes the pain away. My story is horrific and sounds so similar to everyone else’s. I would rather have been shot then to have to live through something like this ever again.
    Anyone that would like to talk please feel free to call me anytime: 727-265-7352

    • Zari Ballard

      June 10, 2015 at 5:58 pm Reply

      Hi John,

      I am so sorry that you are hurting and I wish I could take that pain away. Believe me, everyone here has been at that point of not being able to breathe. Please feel free to share your story, my friend, as this is a place of support. I don’t know if you’ve read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face but I am going to send it to you in PDF format. I’ll send it to the email that you used when you logged in to comment here. I do hope you read it because it may offer a little something extra towards lessening your pain.

      Please look for it in your email because I just now sent it. And feel free to write anytime:)

      Zari xo

  • Maxie

    May 30, 2015 at 9:03 pm Reply

    Hi Zari—Well, just when I thought it was safe to go in the water….…let the hoovering begin! I was 99.9% certain that she would not contact me after going completely ballistic on me during her Narcissist rage on our last night together. I literally ran out the door while she was screaming at me and felt certain that I was permanently deleted from her life as she decisively began the silent treatment and final discard (via a brutal email the day after Valentine’s Day). I really thought that my ordeal would be an exception to the rule of the Narcissist always returning. It’s been almost four months of No Contact, then just a few days ago I get an email from her work address (I blocked her personal address). It simply said, “Hi”. I was caught off guard and was tempted to take the bait as those “feelings” began to creep back, but I didn’t. I’m not sure what she’s up to with the one-word hoover, but one thing is certain—she’s a cunning and calculating little devil!

    I completely agree with you about the power of saying nothing. I have adopted that philosophy, as well as Postpone and Pretend. I believe this two-pronged approach is best for me. I’ve been laying very low and saying as less as possible about my ordeal on the crazy train. I’m in three different bands now, but all of them have been doing corporate and private gigs, reducing the possibility of running in to her. And, when asked about her, I simply change the subject. Knowing her, however, I’m sure she’s plotting a Pearl Harbor attack at one of my gigs just to see how her appearance will impact me…probably hoping I’ll be too upset to tune my guitar. What a turd!
    Thank you for listening,
    Maxie

    • Zari Ballard

      June 15, 2015 at 11:43 am Reply

      Hi Maxie,

      How are you? So sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Your posts always make me laugh out loud. I remember all too well those Pearl Harbor attacks! I hope you have remained strong since your last post because, sure enough, she had returned to torment. Don’t forget that they know well enough to wait until the anger has passed before they slip in for quick stab. It’s a demonic/psychic ability that also extends to when they kinda get that feeling that maybe – just maybe – you’re feeling better and trying to move on. Always beware that the intention is as evil as it gets.

      Stick with the postpone and pretend and the saying nothing to the world for as long as you need to. You will know when its okay to come out to the world. Luckily, the steady gigs keep you in the limelight enough so that you don’t lose that in the process. I, unfortunately, lost much of that. My drummer has suddenly started calling out of the blue and I’ve yet to get in touch back for fear that he’ll say “Hey, there’s a gig if you want at…”. It’s ridiculous and I will regret it if I don’t so I am pretty much forcing myself to call him today. Thank God he doesn’t allow me to pull the “I’m a recluse” excuse for very long. Good lord.

      Write me back when you can and give me an update. So grateful that you’re doing well!

      Zari xo

      • Maxie

        June 16, 2015 at 8:41 am Reply

        Hi Zari— I’m glad I can make you laugh. Humor is a saving grace, even when discussing this horrible subject. Although finding humor in all this is very challenging, I believe that the ability to laugh is a tell-tale sign of healing. How interesting that I was on chapter 10 of “When Love is a Lie”, the N’s brilliant strategy of (MDOE), when I decided to check the blog and there was your response. I’m finding this book very interesting and informative and will definitely post a review on Amazon as I did with “When Evil is a Pretty Face”. My ex- Narc did a phenomenal job of MDOE that warrants a PhD and managed me down to bare bones, believe me! This was her specialty and obviously a skill she spent years perfecting. Whenever I would question her about why I’ve abruptly gone from receiving Chateau Briand to an occasional ration of stale bread crumbs, she would reverse the questioning with, “why did it take you so long to call me after my doctor’s appointment to see how I was doing?”. Not only did this happen months ago, I offered to take her to the appointment (which she declined) and I called her immediately afterwards…..as I always did. I felt as though I was being interrogated at Gestapo Headquarters. This was just crazy making! I refer to this tactic as being “shocked into submission” (SIS).

        On another occasion I came over to cook dinner for her and her family one evening. She and her sister were having champagne, so I asked if I could have a glass while I prepared dinner. She said, “well, this is pretty expensive stuff, can you wait until I open the cheaper bottle”? At first I really thought she was kidding, however this was no joke. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated, as she said this in front of everyone.

        I’m hanging in there and haven’t heard anything more since her “Hi” email. I can only assume that things are going well with her current victim(s). I’m hoping that by not hitting the ball back over the net that she’ll realize I’m not in the game anymore and that I’m a completely useless source of supply. I don’t think I’ll be experiencing a recurring D&D. Her past relationship history indicates a consistent single discard, which I believe is attributed to her vast supply of willing targets. Realizing that it was never real, NONE of it, is the only thing that really provides me solace. However, this is a very difficult concept to digest, especially when it’s your first experience with, and you haven’t fully emotionally broken free from, one of these devilish monsters.

        Thank you for your support,
        Maxie

        • Zari Ballard

          June 20, 2015 at 3:54 pm Reply

          Hey Maxie,

          SIS…oh my God how funny. Shocked into submission is a perfect way to describe the psychosis. Been there, rocked that. We are basically brow-beaten until those those crumbs become our whole world. And the champagne incident…so telling. Here YOU go over to cook HER family dinner and….Yikes!

          Since we’re sharing nightmares: I remember one night after a show with my band, he and I were on our way home about 2am and he was trying to start a fight. At the club, everything had been great. It was a packed house, he’d been sitting with the sound guy all night, everyone was having fun, and he even helped us break down after. Well, all that changed as soon as we got in his truck. He simply started nit-picking until he had me in tears and the next thing you know we’re screaming at each other and he pulls over on this road and literally pushes me out. mind you, it’s a road that goes up a hill to my apartment and it’s about 3 miles long and pitch black at night. So there I am in my stage clothes, boots and all, carrying my gig bag, walking up the side of this road while he flips a u-turn and takes off the other way. He never came back. This literally happened within, oh…I’d say…10 or 15 minutes within leaving the club all happy. Too embarrassed to call any of my band mates (why ruin they’re fun?), I called a cab and ended up having to walk a mile or more before it came up behind me. What an asshole. I knew it was all about him just wanting to make sure that my night ended on THAT note instead of – God forbid – me going to bed thinking I was some kind of rock star or something. Well, it worked because I went to bed crying instead. He would do things like that out of sight of everyone, know what I mean? Thank God it’s over.

          Keep on keepin’ on, brother!

          Zari xo

          • Maxie

            June 23, 2015 at 9:37 pm

            Hi Zari—“….We are basically brow-beaten until those crumbs become our whole world.” Boy, did you ever nail that one perfectly. That pretty much sums up the last year of my eighteen-month journey through “Narcissistville”. The crumbs began appearing during the devaluation phase, along with the insults. Is there such a thing as “insult bombing”? If there isn’t, there should be….I can attest to it and will incorporate it in my book! One time, we were on the way to dinner and out of the blue she started criticizing my clothes, my shoes, then my watch. I said, “is there anything that you like about me”? She replied: “chill out dude, I’m only trying to improve you, that’s all”. It was yet another slap in the face and an SIS moment.

            As far as your ex…..God forbid that an evening end with you feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments. What’s most bothersome is that he was not concerned about your safety! In your book, you mentioned “having your back” as a key sign that someone really cares about you. Well, this turd was only interested in covering his back. It’s unbelievable that he just left!

            Another “tender and loving” thing she once said was, “I need someone who will swim the ocean for me”. She had that distant “Narcissist Stare” in her eyes when she said it—kind of spooky! I’m a pretty good swimmer and good for a couple of laps across a standard size swimming pool, but the OCEAN? Really? I wanted to respond with, “and what will you be doing, sipping a Mai Tai on the beach while I’m fighting the rip tides and dodging sharks”?

            No doubt, the champagne incident was a major slap in the face, with a kick to the stomach for good measure. I should have ran for hills for sure. One of my friends said that if she ever discovered I’m involved with someone like that again that she would literally kick my ass and slap me upside the head…..and I believe she would do exactly that! I thanked her and held her to her promise! LOL!

            One can’t help but wonder if they’ll ever crash and burn at some point and end up in their most feared situation: being alone. There must be some justice to all this, eventually.

            I hope that you responded to your drummer’s calls and are thinking about getting back into singing again. It is a cathartic activity in and of itself because it’s who you are. I was hesitant for fear of running into her during a gig. At this juncture, I’m not sure how I would react. What this wingnut will never understand (because she doesn’t have the capacity to understand) is that I truly fell in love with her. One of the last things she said to me was, “you are not in love with me, you are merely in love with the idea of being in love”. What she didn’t realize was that she was inadvertently explaining her own warped version of love.

            Thank you for listening and sharing,
            Maxie

          • Zari Ballard

            June 29, 2015 at 1:43 pm

            Maxie wrote...One of the last things she said to me was, “you are not in love with me, you are merely in love with the idea of being in love”. What she didn’t realize was that she was inadvertently explaining her own warped version of love. Yes, projection is what they do best. Whatever they accuse us of is what they’re doing at the moment, planning on doing, or just got finished doing. if we listen to their words, they ALWAYS give themselves away.

            Hi Maxie,

            Oh, that wasn’t the first time he dumped me off and left. Asshole! When I look back, I can’t even believe I allowed myself to get into those situations. We live and learn but – WHEW! – what a motherfucking lesson!

            Zari xo

          • Maxie

            July 1, 2015 at 4:00 pm

            Hi Zari—It is so very true that whatever they accuse us of is what they’re doing at the moment, planning on doing, or just got finished doing. I cannot tell you how many times I missed that red flag—notably because I educated myself after receiving the dagger through the heart, when it was much too late.

            I often think of something she said to me just a few weeks after we met and the love bombing was in full swing. She said, “promise me that you will not just disappear—that if you lose interest in me, you’ll be honest and let me know and don’t just vanish into thin air.” Obviously, these were the ones who were wise enough to hit the ground running before her Pearl Harbor discards.

            I’m still amazed that your ex actually left you on that dark and desolate road. Did he ever stop to think of what could have happened to you? So incredibly ruthless!

            Thank you for your support,
            Maxie

          • Zari Ballard

            July 6, 2015 at 2:42 am

            Hi Maxie,

            One of things that I discovered that I couldn’t handle anymore in the relationship was the fact that he never had my back. It just hurt to much and he just didn’t “get it”. Narcissists simply can’t relate to another person that way – it’s impossible. Hence, we get left in the dust or abandoned when we really need them. Like you say, it IS incredibly ruthless…but it is what it is. Sad, but true.

            Zari xo

          • Maxie

            July 16, 2015 at 4:28 pm

            Hi Zari—At some point, I realize that I have to get out there again and I will run into my ex-Narc at one of my gigs. Last Friday night was a “close call”. I went to one of the clubs I play at to see a friend’s group perform . I had just finished a gig with the Hawaiian Band I play with and was assured that the coast was clear by one of my bandmates who got there before me. What he “forgot” to tell me was her best friend (and fellow Narc) was there. She approached me the second I stepped through the door as if she had some kind of radar. I immediately look toward the table that she came from and she said, “oh don’t worry, she’s not here”. I replied, “that’s good”. She proceeded to tell me all about her new love interest that she had found in Hawaii who was from the same town that I born and went on and on…blah, blah, blah. Like I really cared. I was very careful not to mention a single word about her partner in crime (my ex), especially since her birthday was the following day. I know for sure that it would have gotten to her within seconds. I remained quiet and just listened as she rambled on about how marvelous this new guy was ( like I really cared). I excused myself and made the rounds, saying hello to a few musician friends I haven’t seen in a long time, having to answer the recurring question: “Where the heck have you been?” Then, as I was leaving, she approached me again and said, “it was so nice to see you, please stay in touch, ok?”. My bandmate thought she was being very cordial. I told him that there’s an old Native American Indian saying: “The message of a dove is seldom brought by a hawk”. Needless to say, it was a very awkward evening for me and it brought back painful memories, even without my ex physically being here. I still cannot believe that I actually gave my heart to that parasitical predator.

            Thank you for your support!
            Maxie

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