To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

Hi Zari—Just checking in and I hope all is well in your world. No Ex-Narc sightings to report and that’s just fine with me. She no doubt has moved on to another victim(s) as well as establishing another social circle. Once she suspects people realize who (and more importantly WHAT) they’re dealing with, she’ll discard them and move on to the next “feeding ground”. It’s the perpetual lifestyle of the Narcissist.

I continue to be amazed reading the growing number of cases of Narcissistic abuse and the cold-hearted actions of these social misfits. And, there is no doubt that survival is a team effort—we must all help each other to move forward and leave these parasites in the dust, where they belong. Additionally, we must thread carefully when the ever-increasing number of drug store psychologist dictate various steps towards healing. For example, anger must be embraced but not harbored for too long—in order to reach the next healing phase. In the case of this kind of abuse, anger just may be the Rosetta Stone that sets you free—it certainly was for me. Yes, I am pissed off big time and in essence I should be. The audacity of someone perpetually disrespecting, humiliating and insulting you then suggesting you be their friend after the discard is completely ridiculous. Of course the catch-22 is, as you’ve said, “whatever you allow will continue to happen”.

Thank you again for creating this website and supporting all of us!

Aloha,
Maxie

Hi Zari.Thank you for creating this support group/site/forum.
My ex up and left me 8 weeks ago for another guy and I think its coz I was broke at the time.we were together for 3+ years. I felt betrayed and my heart broken into many pieces. What fascinates me the most is that I have always known this is not my type of relationship or the fact that I wouldn’t want to marry her but I didn’t see it coming. Our first fallout was 2 days after we decided to make it official and we agreed that she should stop going to another friend of hers who was interested in her and kept on texting her while we were together. When I went to see her the guy texted her and told her that dhe had left her key indicating that she stil went to his place.i got so angry and instead of apologizing she asked me what I wanted to do now that she had already gone. I asked her to apologize but she told me an apology wasn’t going to help anyone and I was In awe of what kind of a person she was to ask something like that and see no need to apologize. I kept explaining to her that an apology wasn’t going to change anything but it would show some remorse. eventually she apologized after 15 minutes of explaining why it was good to apologise.

All through this 3 years, I have been the one doing things for her understandably because she wasn’t working and when she started working, I didn’t ask for anything. We used to argue at night even because she couldn’t tell me good night. When I told her goodnyt when sleeping she wouldn’t reply and when I asked hewr why she said that I should know she wishes me a good night to or that if she was to open her mouth, her sleep would disappear.

A sign of her narcissism is that Her insagram page had 996 photos and 920 of these were her face and I told her those were to many so she deleted some and has 560 + photos of which 550 are of herself J she is quite a looker to with a perfect body.she has a picture on there of her self looking into a mirrior that she captioned “just admiring myself” and it got me thinking how self absorbed she is. I think that is what I miss,the beauty but if you ask me of her personality, I would say she doesn’t have any.no hobbies or interest at all,she is just into make up coz that her job, apart from that,give her internet and a charged phone, she is happy. She never made me feel loved though and sometimes she made me feel like going crazy. One time I banged my hand on the wall several times while talking to her that I broke my watch because she was so unreasonable and couldn’t see the logic in what we were discussing. I could on many occasions question my memory because she kept on saying she didn’t say something and I know for a fact she had said it. I kept on telling her on several occasions that we should be recording our conversations or have someone around so that she doesn’t say she didn’t say something. I was going mad.

We used to argue so much because I would agree to doing somethings she wanted me to do and that made her unhappy. She equates love to someone doing for her things. She has no real friends,they just keep coming and going. Three years and I have hanged out with her friends (different ones)twice.All along we have been hanging with my friends coz her so called “friends”(college friend that talk once in 5 months) are sorry to say this, “hoes”.two keep globe trotting with old men, the others are the same because she kept on telling me they hang out with married people and stuff. There isn’t one good one I have met.

She used to tell me I am insecure while all along if a notification (twitter) rings on my phone, she was the one telling me that my women are texting me and I would give her the phone and ask her to read for me what they are saying and she wouldn’t want or say sorry because she was wrong. I stopped talking to my female friends because I had a “thing “ with them and to please her I would get in the house and just put my phone on the charger and that would also be a problem for her saying that I had put it off or on flight mode and every time I would ask her to see if it is off, she wouldnt.i woul actually go get it in full view and show it to her but she would just shrug it off.

Last 5 months I have been going through a tough financial time and I haven’t been able to take her out for dates or do much for her.Everytime she would ask for me to take her somewhere or do something for her in this period, If I didn’t have the money, I would tell her I am not able.2 minutes later ,she would bring it up again and I would go crazy telling her that I have already told her my situation.she just couldn’t understand.3 times she has told me about different guys my age and how they are doing great financially .guys I don’t even know and when I asked her why she was telling me about them or the fact that she kept on telling me that they are my age, her defense was that she was just making conversation.

The day she left me I had I think 5 dollars on me and another 5 in my account but was expecting money since there are institutions who haven’t paid me for work done and I let her know this.That previous night she was talking to this guy and when she hang up I asked her why she was talking as if she was flirting and she told me thats the way she talks.(I have dated her for 3 years, I would know).

The guy called again in the morning and I asked her why he called and she told me he said he would wake her up. I got mad and we got in the shower together and she left me and went to work. I followed her to work so we called talk about whats happening. We talked for two hours with her and her colleague (much older and acted as our adviser).We agreed to talk it over at home later. She didn’t come home. 20 missed calls and 10 messages, non was replied. Went to her work place later next day and she told me she didn’t expect to see me and that this wasn’t working out.i asked her about the other guy and she tells me he is just like me, has one brother, we go to the same church. What silly is that she even told me what he does and how many businesses he has and even about how he is an orphan and is raising money to take his younger brother to university. Made me feel like a loser since the guy also drives and is responsible. She was like rubbing it on my face. Went through all that begging phase and she told me off and not to look for her or contact her.6 days later(6weeks ago) I sent her a text and I told her I had freed her and I wish her well.Havent spoken to her since. I just cant seem to get her out of my mind though and sometimes its paralyzing but if you ask me why I miss her, I cant give you a good reason. She was comfortable in her ignorance and is too transfixed with her beauty (got me hooked on it too).she occasionally shot down my business ideas. I think I just miss having a beautiful person next to me. I once called her a teddy bear to her face because she wasn’t adding anything to my life she was just good to cuddle with at night.

We fought so much because I would call out her bullshit and sometimes she couldn’t manipulate me and when she got the opportunity to do something that hurts me, or withhold information concerning something I asked, she was happy to torment me and even swear not to tell me and she wouldn’t.

I remember taking a walk once and thinking to myself that if I married her, I would be the saddest person on earth because of the emotional pain she puts me through now I don’t understand how I want her back.i geel like calling her and texting her.

How do I stop missing her?its draining me.aaaaarrrrgggghhh.

Sorry for the long mail,I needed to let it out.

Zari,
This site has been so helpful to me for two reasons. The first is that I know there are numerous men who have gone through, and are going through what I have gone through. Second I know I am blessed because based on so many posts on this website, things could be far worse. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the guys that have had their reputations ruined, lost friends etc. I am lucky that my N has only been able to damage me emotionally. My roots in my community are deep and strong and I have been so lucky to have the support system of a great family and so many great and understanding friends. My N has disappeared to re-invent herself AGAIN. I met my N almost 8 years ago. I had been married twice before. Once for 3.5 years and 10 years later for 1.5 years. My N was 1.5 years out of a 17 marraige. The first year was fantanstic. She seemed so sweet, caring and I thought, had a lot of personal integrity(wow was I wrong). She was not working. She was getting a good amount of support but she was not getting by. My family has a small business and I gave her some monthly contract work that was enough for her to make ends meet. She love bombed me heavy, with cards etc. The sex was amazing. After about 5 months of dating, I made an off the cuff remark about wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, and wham, she took it as a proposal. Before I knew what had happened, we were making plans for a wedding and our life together. We were married, and about 2 months in, the first sign of chaos. She had three kids, so did I. There was a small insignificant incident and all hell broke loose. She demanded that the kid responsible(meaning one of mine) admit it. She stated it was a matter of “character.” She loved to envoke “character,” whenever possible. This small incident began a path with my 2 youngest that resulted in me not having any contact with them for over a year. Throughout the first 4 years of our marraige, we did not fight often(probably 2 maybe 3 times a year), but when we did, it began what I called the “death spiral” that lasted several days, sometimes weeks. No appology was enough and she was never wrong. It was as if she was not satisfied until she felt she had achieved total domination. I left the house to stay at a hotel, or to stay with my parents, numerous times. I needed to leave, just so I could get some peace. When she was angry she was cold, aloof and would not talk to me. We went to counciling several times, but I would end up doing all the talking. She would sit there in silence. My friend said she was just calculating her next move based on what I was telling the councilor. The separations were complicated by the fact that I brought her in to work at our family business. When we were fighting, she would not come to work, which caused added stress. Finally, in year five of our marraige, things were calm, I was the happiest I had been in years, except for I was not seeing my two youngest kids(my oldest son was in graduate school. My wife hated him but my son made peace for me). Then about 2/3 of the way through that year, I had a funny feeling. I just knew she was having an affair. I started checking phone records and yes she was. I also found phone evidence of other previous affairs(I think for most of our marraige). A close friend told me I owed it to her, to ask her about it. I did. She denied it. Two weeks later I confronted her with irrefutable evidence and she admitted it. I moved out immediately. I was devistated. I lasted a day, and begged her to tell me where everything went wrong. We met the next day, she was cold and aloof, and of course everything was my fault. 3 days later her attitude changed. I believe now that she realized that without me, she had no job, and could not support herself and her two youngest. Her support was reduced when we married and when her oldest graduated high school. Opps! Time for damage control. Over the next few months we worked to reconcile. We went to counciling, but again she did not talk. Almost over night, she was fine and great, and wanted me to move back in. I did. The first 2 months after I was back, things were ok. However, we did not socialize because of what she called her “shame.” Then she began behaving as she previously had, when she was cheating. She was hiding money(she was recieving un-employment that I never saw). I am certain she got another, secret cell phone. She was home alone with her computer and I believe secret cell phone while I worked. There were a few weekends I am certain she was with other men. After 4 months I resolved to get out but it took another 5 months. I moved out 4 months ago and have gone virtually no contact since. It helps. I talked to her on the phone1 one week after I moved out and saw her once when I picked up some furniture, but other then that, it has only been business related texts. It is funny, I think about her every day, but it feels like years since we were married. The first 2 months I could not sleep. I am now sleeping. I am now seeing my kids. I found this site and it has been a god send. Thank you Zari! I will continue N/C and my divorce is in process. I have come to realize that probably the same thing happened in her first marraige. She admitted one affair. She has no friends left(except one) from her previous 17 year marriage. No real relationship with her parents. Red flag!!! I have never met anyone who has lost so many friends. Interesting that sh said her dad(who I only met briefly once) was a Narcissist. Projection?? She met me, and re-invented herself. All my friends became her friends. Now, she is re-inventing herself again. She can not turn anybody that knows me, against me. (I am very lucky, I know!) She is also a predator who targets married men. She admitted to being with a married man during her first marraige, 3 more during the year and a half she was single, and the admitted affair during our marraige was with a married man. The others I have discovered were also married. I am sure there is more because the truth is always far worse than we can prove or even imagine. This site has helped so much. I am moving on. Slowly. But I will not ever be hoovered back. I am still very damaged emotionally, but getting better. I am in counciling. Zari I have read your first book and am now reading “When Evil has a Pretty Face.” They have helped immensly. Thank you again.

It also has to do with feminism as it has institutionalized sexism (against men) in the judicial system. In the US odds are 7 to 1 in favor women in the divorce and custody process. Men also pay 90% of child support vs. 10% by women, this is feminist “equality”, I imagine it’s also the single largest gender disparity there is (in the US) and I’ve never seen it mentioned (or any male oppression for that matter) from a feminist source (which proves it’s about special rights, not equal rights). This also means female NPDs can easily abuse the justice system, judges, police and lawyers and everyone will help them vilify their victim… And once they figure that out…. the man is in for quite the ride and may end up in jail. I had several murder attempts on me (including a visit to ER), and I’m sure had she been successful, she’d have come out the victim and a hero.

Finding this site was such a relief! I just got out of an intense relationship of about 4 months and in just 4 months this girl had eroded my self esteem, drained my money and energy, and played sides. At first I just thought she was bipolar, but there was something else about her. I read the comment where the guy realized he couldn’t be wrong all the time and that’s how I felt. I caught her gaslighting me, turning every angry argument she started around on me calling me a liar, and when I started resisting her and not giving her everything she wanted, she discarded me. She even waited until after my payday and let me buy her things before manufacturing our breakup. She ostricized me and tried to cut me off from all mutual friends on Facebook. It almost worked except one person reached out to me and a girl that started working with me went to her academy and is able to bridge the gap. She said the whole thing is a subject that discuss there. I asked if all those girls think I’m horrible and she said no. I was reassured by the other friend that everyone is aware of what was happening and no one thought bad of me, but even her own family was mad at her. Of course that prompted her to tell me I was the one pitting her against her family and it was my fault. That’s the only solace I have is the great support from people she tried to cut me off from. She’s given different reasons to everyone as to what happened and there still is no solid explanation for why she dumped me. She just went crazy and got my things together and kicked me out. It was a staged event but I remained calm while she was shoving me around the apartment. She tried to keep all my expensive electronics and cooking ware but I got those too. Of course now the adrenaline has worn off I’m dealing with the broken heart, the anger of getting dupped, the fear of being infected (I suspected her to be unfaithful), and the lingering memories of the good times that I know we’re fake.
On the positive side ibdont have to live by her schedule, do things her way. I was becoming a wreck because she’d always put me in positions where I was juggling two tasks and putting me down for not being able to keep up. She’d talk down to me like a child especially when I was dealing with her 5 year old daughter. I made a list of all the things I have back now and its odd that even though I’m immensely sad and hurt, I’m actually relieved. It cuts through the depression at times like a knife. A happy relief that I’ve been set free from a trap. Finding this site was amazing because I’ve been searching for support in understanding what just happened to me and repair the damage.

Hi Zari—It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and I hope things are going well with you and that your band is in full gear! As for me, I haven’t heard anything from my ex-Narc and that suits me just fine. No hoovering, no Flying Monkeys….no nothing. I’m sure she’s convinced that I’m no longer a potential source of supply. And, I have no doubt that her next victim is being groomed for the hellacious nightmare to follow. I know I’ll eventually run into her at one of my gigs and I’ve carefully prepared my response if she dares to say anything to me. It consists of two words, the first word starts with an F—not very pleasant, but well-deserving and gets the point across very clearly.

My book is progressing slowly and I have a new-found appreciation for the time and effort you have put forth completing your books! I continually read the posts on your website and I always shake my head in amazement at the brutality of these mentally disordered monsters. It’s as if they have iced water running through their veins—cold, ruthless, and of course perpetually dishonest. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and we’ll all get there.

Thank you for your love and support,
Maxie

What do I do, after severe devestation, financial, ruin, false arrests, and complete isolation from both our families a result of learning about this horrible evil?
I have a beautiful daughter in her grasp.
How does this get better?