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To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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299 Comments

  • hewho laughslaughslaughs

    August 31, 2016 at 2:41 pm Reply

    Thanks for the site Zari.
    I was with a F N for years, we have children together.
    There is no solution to this. We reduced contact and used a court order but even after that she has created so much communications – breaking order, going back to court, contact with social services for investigations, deceiving schools, dropping kids off without coats / medicine / school things etc. You wouldn’t believe.

    Four years on she still creates drama, much less mind you, but still at every chance. You would think a midweek phone call from me to the children on a phone I got them for this purpose would be straightforward. Do not even suggest a clever solution, anything which involves her requires a qualification in histrionics.

    For me I just find it so sad that a person can be so vengeful. I have concluded that she is generally just a person who wants to watch the world burn.

    More sadly is that she isn’t the only woman this way. I have met other survivors and the good women seem to be rarer than mountain orchids nowadays

    I support my children as best I can, but they will have to have the journey less travelled as I have had to in order to unravel what lies within her.

    In the meantime it’s brave faces and thick skins for the next 15 years!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 23, 2016 at 6:42 pm Reply

      Hewholaughslaughslaughs wrote… I have met other survivors and the good women seem to be rarer than mountain orchids nowadays

      I’ve come to the conclusion the the good men and women are the ones dealing with the narcissistic partners and exes and, thus, aren’t out there and readily available. Sad but true….

  • Bob Rains

    August 22, 2016 at 5:47 pm Reply

    Whoa… this is my real life.
    Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ”

  • silvio

    August 16, 2016 at 10:32 am Reply

    Hello, I discover something on these days about the relationship with an N/P person (person: persona in latin language means “mask” and refer to the classic theater were all the characters were men with masks) and that’s true with N/P! well, this is a note only: I discover that my N/P woman was very able: she created a path for me, her white mouse – her free time, with as lot of “one ways” and prohibitions so I had to move inside that path, the path of an N/P: so I was an N/P too! and she has her way out any case with all her fan club and family applauding! The phoenix is back finally free form an N/P man…. not a victim but the butcher! watch out, men: any unmotivated prohibition, any “oneway only”, any path means something unclear …. love is an open space!

  • corey crosby

    August 15, 2016 at 4:47 pm Reply

    After reading some posts other guy have wrote. I feel that I can share my story. Not sure if she is a narcissistic personality but maybe she is. I met her one time a couple of years ago. She acted like she was above everyone else. So several months later my best friend died last year. I really took his death very very hard. I did drink a lot when he died. Me and my ex have the same friend. So my friend invited her over and we hung out with my buddy’s too. She seemed so great. When we talked she seemed to mirror my personality and was just like me. I thought wow she is great. I kissed her that night. She said she was with someone so I backed off. Then the next weekend she came out with my friends. She came up and started flirting with me all night. I thought that was off if you are with someone. She wanted to know everything about me, then the next night I had sex with her. I felt so guilty after that. After that she came after me so strong I was shocked. She told me she doesn’t love her guy. She said he is friends with benefits thing. So I dated her for 5 months matter of fact lived with her. She put me on a pedestal for 4 months. Very materialistic she buys all name brand stuff. She hates her mom and step dad. It seemed her aunts, cousins, uncles stayed away from her when I met them. Struck me as odd. She really seems to lack friends. She said she has all guys hitting on her all the time. I really loved this girl then the verbal abuse came out of nowhere she would get into a rage out of nowhere. Everything I did said were wrong. Walking on eggshells feelings. She hated my friends I was isolated at home. I felt so alone at the time. Then she said all her ex boyfriends were abusive all of that stuff. So one night she said it was over. I begged her back nothing she was cold. Come to find out she went back to her ex that she said was a friend with benefits. I couldn’t believe it. Almost a year since I seen her. People tell me she will never come back to me. But I have a feeling she will in the future. Probably to destroy me more though. Do they come back? Thanks guys

  • silvio

    August 11, 2016 at 12:56 pm Reply

    hello! I read your book in a while: I find my “relationship” (I put the “” because it was not a “real” relationship, only a two years of “meetings”) and I discover recently it was a “toxic” one. I knew from the first time that the woman I met was “strange” and I gave her a loaded gun and she fired it. I said “stop here” on may 2015 but she did not finish with me: she was pregnant! I was 56 years old and have no previous child, she was 43 and had two 20 years old sons from previous husband: I said “that’s nice” and I thought it could be a great adventure… it was a real inferno! the mask had finally fallen… here, in Italy, the man rules are still strong related with educational and catholic bondind (my generation or mine, maybe) … she did not want a man direct her life, she said! It did not matter about the baby .. she is able to do exactly the same she did in the past when she left her husband for another man when the second son was three months old only! She asked for a lot of money, I told I want the DNA proof… she is a liar…. than nothing: she had a daughter and I knew that almost two days after (I want you as “dad”) … I wrote a novel about the whole, unusual story … I think that abused men are a “silent army”…. I await to meet her in a Court…maybe not: I think she doesn’t know WHO is the real dad…. thank to your work I find some answers!

    • Zari Ballard

      August 14, 2016 at 10:20 pm Reply

      Hi Silvio,

      I’m glad to help and I sure do hope you are going to come out of this unscathed. Yes, abused men ARE the silent army but with help from you and me maybe we can change that around a bit. Keep writing and so will I. The silent army needs your voice! Come and share here often…you are always welcome!

      Zari xo

      • silvio

        August 15, 2016 at 12:38 pm Reply

        Hello, thank you for your reply and support! On these days I read a lot about toxic relationship: I’m sure you know Psychopathfree and the test about P/N persons, well, “my” woman has 28/30 and the other test with 60 “red flags” is 58/60! I really think I met an evil and survived! I write a novel about my story: both my lawyers say that an “abused” man is quite uncommon in Italy, all the people who read my story fell bad “gothic” says one, unbelievable, says another and so on. I hope my witness could help people: that could be a “payback”: I suffered a lot, I still suffer and recover it is a long way: I was the perfect victim … now I know my mother was a P/N too… that’s make my N/P partner immediatly a “family face” and broke down my defenses …. sorry for my english: if unclear, please let me know!

        • Zari Ballard

          September 5, 2016 at 5:43 pm Reply

          Hi Silvio,

          I understand you loud and clear, brother. Thank you for coming here and sharing. We welcome your insight:)

          Zari xo

  • Loppy

    August 9, 2016 at 5:54 pm Reply

    Zari, what does one do after no-contact dies off due to manipulation. My MIL, FIL & BIL have all disrespected me and my family: FIL told my daughter she doesn’t have to ask me for permission to do anything with her, my MIL refuses to apologize for what she said about my mother, I got the “I” sorry you feel……” speech………and my BIL basically assaulted my girlfriend refuses to say anything.
    I want to beat up every one of them, but I know it’s a waste of time. I been doing a lot of research, but not much out there for the bf/husband vs MIL & family. P.S. I’m African American and my gf is Mexican American, the religion issue never died…..

    • Zari Ballard

      August 22, 2016 at 12:18 am Reply

      Hi Loppy,

      Please read my articles – in fact, they are new – about co-parenting with a narc 101, part 1 & 2. It will offer you some good advice as to how to deal with these people. I notice you don’t mention the gf in past tense so I’m a little confused by that. Is it just the family that you are going NC with or the girlfriend too? Maybe you could elaborate a little more…I would love to help but a little more info would be great. They sound nuts my brother!

      Zari xo

  • Andrew

    August 4, 2016 at 10:31 pm Reply

    Ok, so I recently reunited with a girl from my past that has led me here to this blog.

    We met 10yrs ago through mutual friends when I came home from college for the summer.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks, it honestly felt like “love at first sight” and I’m not the type of guy who falls in love quickly or hardly at all. We were inseparable, and everything was amazing. Then out of nowhere she just broke it off one night.

    I was shocked, heart broken and confused. I would talk to her for hours trying to get any explanation, but she never gave me anything that made sense and just seemed annoyed by me even inquiring.

    I went back to school and come to find out, she had a boyfriend the entire time that was deployed in Iraq but due to come home mid September. Of course, no matter what evidence Id provide she’d continually deny everything, so I stopped talking to her altogether and even began dating another girl up at school. Sure enough a couple weeks after he’d been back I could see through all our friends social media that they were together, so I called him up and explained what had happened. He had no idea and was devastated, but he stayed with her anyway.

    No less than a month later she was on my front porch at 3am begging me to take her back. She stayed up at my college house for 2 whole weeks, I made her call her boyfriend the 2nd day to at least give him some explanation and not just vanish like she had with me. I held out the entire 2 weeks through multiple tear filled apologies, she eventually went back home but we kept talking so within a month we were back together officially.

    We dated for 4yrs, but during the last 3yrs there were at least 5 times where she would either break it off when I least expected it and for no apparent reason, or just disappear for days at a time. there were 3 different ex boyfriends and I had figured out that she would always run to one of them during the splits. The last year I was like a full time detective, she would never admit to anything so I always had to catch her. Of course even after I caught her you still couldn’t talk to her or call her out on it until the point where she’d coming back begging for forgiveness. Otherwise she’d just totally stonewall me or turn everything back on me.

    It was so frustrating, but the splits so painful that I couldn’t say no when she’d come back with all of her apologies and promises. There were 3 different girls that I had started talking to during a split and completely shunned them once she’d return. Awesome girls that I treated horribly just to put myself through more torture.

    The last time was a few days before my birthday we were supposed to meet my family out at a nice restaurant, and she vanished blocked me on FB and Twitter, and wouldn’t answer my calls/texts. After the 2nd day I snapped, and just blew up her phone nonstop for hours. Well, turns out that sealed my fate because she used that to turn all our friends and even my own family against me, I was a crazy stalker and she had just been trying to get away from my craziness this whole time lol.

    A few weeks later she re-appeared with a new boyfriend. I was crushed and finished, and literally had nobody left to even talk to as now everyone thought I was crazy.

    So, I took a job halfway across the country and moved outta there. It’s funny, because at some point after moving I convinced myself that it all HAD been my fault, that I had been crazy and caused all of it. I had never been dumped before, I had never been cheated on before (that I knew of) so I figured the initial shock of the original incident (with the guy in Iraq) just turned me into this crazy insecure guy who was always questioning and accusing her. After all I certainly felt crazy multiple times at the end, and I was always trying to catch her doing something, always trying to “talk” when she didn’t want to. So yeah, she was young and immature and made some mistakes but I was crazy and caused it all in my head. Up until recently I believed that, so in the past 6yrs while I’ve dated regularly I refused to let myself get too close to anyone for fear of becoming “crazy” again. To this day she is my last serious relationship.

    So , for about 3yrs now I’ve been living in a city about 2hrs from my hometown. Multiple times I’ve had friends tell me how my ex is always asking about me, or that her Mom told them that she still prays that Heather and I will get back together, get married and start a family. I’ve even had her friends try to get us back together We had hung out for days at a time when I’d come back and visit about 4/5 years ago, but since then I had only talked to her a few times on the phone, and was basically over her.

    Then this spring I had a surgery that kept me on medical leave for 2 months, and with the level of initial care needed I had to recoup at my parents house in my hometown. Sure enough, once I got to the point where I could get around on my own my friends made sure that we ran into each other.

    So, as you probably guessed we ended up spending the entire month and a half together. She had become everything I ever wanted her to be, everything I ever wanted in a woman. Plus, she was so apologetic and remorseful about the stuff from the past. When it was time for me to go back home, she was so enthusiastic about keeping it going, and so understanding that I wanted to take it slow, she was willing to do anything to show me she had changed.

    Once I got back she would text me 24/7, everything was about me and the amazing future we were going to have. Every weekend we would get a hotel in a city directly between the 2 cities we lived. There was nothing she wasn’t willing to talk about she was super affectionate and passionate. It was perfect and I was falling for her all over again. When we were t together I never once felt uncomfortable or anxious or suspicious.

    Then around the 4th of July, suddenly everything changed. It was subtle at first just the tone of her texts changed (if that makes any sense) then she started texting less and less and taking 45min to respond. At this point I casually asked if anything was wrong and she aid everything was great, but in my gut it didn’t feel right. We went from having this intense connection one day to the next where we’re barely talking and only surface level convo.

    Then the following day she cancelled our hotel meetup for that weekend, knowing I had already booked it. So finally I told her that I felt like something was different and asked if everything was ok, or did she want us to slow down. She seemed annoyed and insisted she wasn’t acting any differently and I was just overthinking things, when I tried to point out the differences she got really annoyed. “Ok, I get it. Well maybe we should slow down since I can’t do anything right” I tried to explain how I wasn’t criticizing just concerned, but she would just get more and more confrontational.

    I let it go and things continued getting worse, to the point where one day she didn’t text at all. I had sent her a long text in the morning that I thought was really sweet, she never responded, never even hear from her but I can see her FB she even liked one of my pics lol.

    Next day she calls like nothing happened, and I considered just not saying anything, but her change in behavior was really getting to me. So I asked why I never heard back from her and it sparks a huge fight. “I already told you nothing is different” ” you always have a problem with me”, etc,etc.. Finally I just said I no longer felt comfortable and that it was starting to feel like our prior relationship. “I’m not having this convo, you don’t believe anything I say anyway so what’s the point?” I didn’t respond.

    2 days later she texts and from the first 3 texts I can tell from the tone that she’s back to normal, we end up talking all day and are even joking around. later that night she even tells me that originally she was upset that I hadn’t kissed her by last meetup and she apologized for being short/distant. Then she “did get upset by the way I reacted”, but she’s over it now and doesn’t want to lose me. Next night she even went so far as to make plans for the weekend and she booked the hotel. The next day I don’t hear from her at all, the following day I text her 3/4 times and still no response all day. When she finally did call I basically said she was either going to tell me wtf was going on or I was done with this, it almost felt punitive. Which of course sparks a big fight, and at some point in the argument even denies saying the stuff she had said earlier in the week about “not kissing her bye”, not that I ever really believed it, but how can you deny saying it?

    So at one point in the argument I’m going through and literally listing either lies or contradictions just from past week, and she won’t even admit to acting different or not even talking for days. So in the middle of this on a whim I google “girlfriend takes no responsibility for actions, denies facts.” And it brought me to a million different NPD articles including this blog.

    I’ve been reading all night and it describes everything I’ve gone through with this person over the last 10yrs. It’s amazing and on one hand a huge relief to know this is actually a thing and maybe I’m not THAT crazy.

    Still, I have my doubts if she’s an actual Narc, though.

    To meet her she is very shy and to 98% of the people who know her one of the sweetest girls you’d ever meet. I’m sure she has had other relationships where she’s done this to others (Iraq guy, for one), but for the most part she’s usually the one who puts herself out there and gets dumped or cheated on, when we were apart our friends would always be telling me how devastated she was because so and so had just fucked her over or cheated on her. Hell, that’s part of the reason why I always went out of my way to make sure she felt secure and special.

    She does take a million selfies, and works out obsessively, but as kid she was chubby so she’s really sensitive about her weight, and even now that she’s in amazing shape with almost zero body fat, she’s still “thick”. Anyway, she definitely has insecurities about her looks despite being hot.

    She is the furthest thing from smart or cunning, she has below average intelligence and her moves were always so transparent and lies so illogical and stupid, that it made every denial 10x more frustrating.

    She works at an retirement homes in the dementia area, I know families of clients rave about the personal touch and extra care she gives their parents/GParents. That requires some empathy, right?

    I don’t know, sorry for writing a novel as a comment. It just kept coming and I wasn’t sure which details might be important lololol

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