To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

Hi Zari,

I’m still doing pretty good… Since I decided to minimize contact she’s resorted to trying to use the children as a weapon against me. The situation is a bit stranger I suppose because her family has rallied behind me and helped me through all of this mess, so now with the holidays coming up she’s doing her best to deny us any compromise. She actually texted me demanding that she have the babies on Christmas eve and Christmas morning. Her intent was to upset me and the family because it has always been tradition for everyone to get together at the great grandparent’s house on Christmas eve and then Christmas morning at the grandparent’s. She hatefully informed me that she was happy that we wouldn’t have the kids for these occasions… I’ve adopted a non confrontational approach and didn’t show her that myself and the family were upset by this, instead I jut agreed to her schedule and told her that next year I would have the kids on this same schedule. I think she’s becoming more and more frustrated that I’m not letting her rattle me or control me. There’s been a lot of name calling lately whenever she texts me. I just don’t respond. She’s openly attacked members of her family on social media too. I just don’t understand. It’s like her reality is completely separate from the truth! Blaming everyone else and publicly! and people believe it too… At least it’s been a lot quieter! Maybe a text or two every day or every other day, no more phone calls or Face Time… I’m just terrified that the silence is just to lull me into letting my guard down… I’m trying to think about it all less and less, not let it dictate how my day goes. Thanks for the kind words and the book! You’re a good person for helping people going through this hell!!!!!! I’ll keep you updated. I got a feeling it’s gonna be okay, but I’m still gonna need some help getting there…

Thank you sooooooo much! Sending you a hug!
Ramone

Hey everybody,

I’m glad I found this site! It helps me a lot right now to keep revisiting and reinforcing my resolve.
My Narc ex wife dropped the bomb on me two days before Christmas last year and told me she “wasn’t in love with me anymore”…
Found out about a month later that she was talking to another man behind my back, and still I tried to keep us together. She filed for divorce, but still always found time to love bomb me and hoover me into false hope. we got divorced. Good thing was she agreed to joint physical and legal custody of our 2 and 3 year old son and daughter. They’re the center of my universe. Meanwhile, my therapist helped me discover my codependency, but even with it clearly identified and me understanding my problem I still let her control me. It’s an addiction! I felt horrible if she wasn’t hitting me up for conflict or attention! She got engaged to that guy… I suspect he’s a Narc too. He has a reputation for breaking up several marriages in our community. Violent, heavy drinker, no job… Anything but a nice guy, hate having him around my kids, I worry about them so much. I could hardly believe that’s who she chose to be with, she’s so smart!!! But anyway, she left me alone for awhile, I thought I was on the road to freeing myself and rebuilding… I thought wrong. She called crying, said she was sorry, she messed up and couldn’t we work it out. I fell for it, only to find out that she was lying to me. Hurt again! Stupid thing is I kept letting her do it. She repeated this same scenario a couple of times, and I just let her! She left me be again for maybe a month. I was feeling better and even met someone beautiful and kind. Then my ex lost her job for being drunk on duty, broke up with her fiance’, and found out I was seeing someone new all about the same time. This drove her to a new high in harassment! Not a day passed without her blowing up my phone with texts and calls. She was determined to wreck my new relationship, and then it just kind of clicked in my head and I said NO! She’s never going to change, I can’t save her. I have to break free!!! So it’s been a little over a week and I’ve been doing my best to limit my communication with her to only things about the kids… She’s still pushing back, trying to get me to crack… I’m staying strong! I just need to keep reminding myself.

Thanks for listening. If any of you has ideas or advice that you think might help, I really appreciate it!!!

Ramone

I’m new to commenting on anything at all
.So bare with me!.

I’m 4 years separated 3yrs divorced from my extremely Narcissistic ex wife.

We have 2 wonderful boy’s 7 and 9.

i have them every other weekend,half terms,10 days summer holidays,alternate Christmas etc
The above arrangements took over 2yrs of countless court appearances and order’s always in my favour (as I had done nothing wrong and was only wanting to see my boy’s etc)
At a cost of nearly £32k(not including the ongoing financial court case situation….getting the FMH sold etc!…..I’d like to point out at this stage I’m not a city high flyer but a £35k electrician on commercial sites in London!

I’ve been to rebuild my life for 4 years…..ironically she forced me out etc….priar to that I lived a life of hell once our first child was born…….if she wouldn’thave forced me out I’d still be living that life of hell….I’m hoping you understand what I mean……meaning I wasn’t leaving my children ever and I’d take whatever abuse was thrown at me in the process.
The only thing I’m grateful to my ex wife is that I now have a beautiful relationship and bond with my boy’s that I know I would never have been allowed to have if I was still at home

David,

I read your comment. I agree with every word. I am a 68 year old typical guy. “Trains, boats and planes” as the song goes describes most men. It IS our fault by design. The problem is we think with our pecker FIRST. That little guy and his two friends will do us in every time, and they know it. Sometimes I think women know that at birth. Besides, half the world is made to screw the other half. So WTF?

So, how can we protect ourselves from disaster? We can’t, plain and simple. We are doomed before we even start. My ex wife is pure narc…..cute, hot, extremely sexy, she was a 20, she had an awesome figure, and when the lights were out, the ride would last all night long. It was incredible.

Then later I learned what each ride would eventually cost me. So here is what i learned. We need eachother as humans. We are social creatures. We have parents that raise us, by what is believed to be socially normal. We make decisions by all the knowledge and wisdom we have at that very moment.

So, what do we do? Well, the next morning, get up and leave. That is for the short term. We need to learn how to choose better. Part of the problem is that men do not stand up for themselves because we have three little friends that interfere with our decision process.

It’s like this, when it comes to abortion, how did that woman become pregnant in the first place? Even though it is her body, that child is half mine, whether I want it or not. Now, suppose I WANT that child, and she don’t. We have NO CHOICE in that matter, until it comes to money.

If we spent the night together and she was a willing participant and became pregnant, then that event was a 50/50 deal. Unless she was already pregnant and needed a daddy. THAT happened to me three times. They were too easy and focused on getting me in the sack. Something was not right, so I declined the advances and was punished for it.

First date nights that end up in the bedroom are a very dangerous activity, so be carefull.

Thanks,
Gary

I too am so glad that I have found this site. I have been married to a narcissistic wife for 48 years. Can you believe that?
I am a very strong person. First realized that about ten years after our first child was born. She has the usual characteristics-lying, criticizing, uncomplimentary, etc. (She has told me that her mother was a mental case and she was emotionally abused as a child). I began to realize the NPD when she told a pharmacist friend that she had been accepted to medical school. She had only a two year certificate in x-ray technology. That was a lie.

We were heavily in debt at the time from educational loans, home mortgage and trying to build a dental practice from scratch. I rolled with the punches thinking she might change. Tried to get her into therapy which she refused. Not surprising!

Do not know if she is having sex outside of our marriage presently. She has no close friends. They have no doubt figured her out and run from her.

She never wants to do anything together unless it’s her idea. I have many talents—I run 5K races, an avid swing dancer, singer and blues guitarists. Only way I can feel wanted is to become independent performing outside the home. It sure helps the psyche. She never wants to accompany me. She says she does not feel well, busy or has rotator cuff problems. Lies! Most of our lives we have been sexually compatible(maybe) with the favorite missionary position and she once loved oral sex. No more!

Now she is trying to turn my three adult children against me probably with lies about me.(I won’t go into that). I think one of my daughters is narcissisitic, my son possibly a sociopath. We’ve got an effed up family. Sad but true!

I am 73 my wife is 69. I have cyclothymic disorder since 1982 and have overcome this, Have not had any episodes in 12 years and take lithium daily Otherwise medically I am good except triglyerides are a bit high. I am a twelve year colon cancer survivor.

I do not wish to leave my wife. If years ago I was not so heavily in debt I probably would have left her. (hindsight is 20/20.)

At this point in my life I just can’t see giving up what I worked so hard for and going through the red tape of a divorce and giving her ½ . I have lasted this long I think I can continue another 20 years unless she threatens to kill me. (Ha)

Alot of guys wonder, like me, how long it takes to get over the monster in their life- if they’re making progress, will it ever end, what’s the most painless way to die- questions of that nature. I was with a psychopath (narcissist). I’m, well, still living. Here’s my progress report.

It’s been one year now, almost to the day, since the last time I saw the predatory animal that I used to call “my pet.” And it’s been 5 months since the last time I heard from her (April 2016).

She only hoovered me a couple times after she left me high and dry and wanting to die. She never needed to make any real effort- I did all the writing and begging for her. There was no question, no mystery at all, that I was still completely lost in her- and I have no doubt (in retrospect) that she relished my misery- and never wants it to end. After all, I was getting- and get- what I deserve.

But I knew nothing of what a narcissist or psychopath was at that time- not until a mere 3 months ago- well after the last time she destroyed my sanity with her sickening, soulless emails. I discovered this site by chance (thank you Zari!) when I was searching for break-up advice for lads on google. Since then, I’ve read everything I could find on the internet about this inhuman form of evil.

But some of the common traits don’t fit the psycho I “knew,” and that’s bothered me as to whether I’m right in concluding that she’s a psychopath. I was not the overtly hen-pecked-husband type; she was a high-roller & took care of me financially; she was rarely jealous over me, and told me many times that I should go screw other women (probably since she knew I never would); she has been the opposite of a stalker every time she discarded me (I did all of the writing, calling, and begging for her). Until close to the end, I never had the feeling that I was being used.

The earliest “ah-ah!” moment was a line in an email I got during a 3 month discard, about 4 years ago now:

“Of course what I like you most for is sex,” she wrote.

This is the sort of blithe thing she said in the midst of a horrible situation (of her creation) that was almost past my human endurence to survive. I loved her anyway- we had so much “history,” we agreed on everything, she was the soul of monogamy, my best friend ever- “What God has joined together, no one could put asunder” was her frequent way of saying we were soul-mates. She told me we were soul-mates, too.

But in the last email I got from her, she said something that made the dim bulb in my head light up just a bit little.

She told me that I could write her “love or hate letters, either are fine” she said. Wow.

That’s one of the few times it ever occurred to me that I was being played with, toyed with, that I & my tortured being were mere sport for a demon in the guise of a beautiful, sweet, innocent, very harmless woman of 51 years. It is true that not one word I ever wrote to her mattered to her in the least. I just became boring and too fucking crazy after a short while and not worth another moment of Princesse’s time. Ricky Nelson’s “Poor Little Fool” is my jam.

I turned 41 in August. I’m now as old as she was when I first met her. I still grieve. I grieve often. It was a week shy of our 10 year “anniversary” that I got the final discard. It’ll also be the one year anniversary of the last time I ever heard her voice in another week or two. What you read on this site about holidays, anniversaries, and narcissists is true. I’ve spent many alone. Last Christmas was the third or 4th one.

It’s gonna be a year now since I’ve lain eyes on her and I’m still of the opinion that she is the most beautiful woman under the sun (which is not to say I’m not attracted to other girls, but I’m a shell of a man). I never look at the pictures of her & they are well out of sight, but I still have all of our photo albums, and everything on a hardrive as well. I still have pieces of art that we made together, things we found together, some sitting out. Not many, but some. I feel like I live in an empty museum of memories, like I’m married to a ghost. I felt like shit with her & I feel like shit without her. I love her ghost, I hate her ghost, my life is misery.

That is one of the most painful questions, it feels to me, after they’re gone for good- what to do with all the photos you have of you/them?? I have videos of us having sex, for god’s sake. It’s funny that she had maybe a handfull of very old photos of us/me in her stock of fabulous posessions in the end. Like she said, she didn’t want anything that reminded her of me (even though she said she still wore the ring I gave her- which is no surprise, it was f’n awesome).

But I still can’t get rid of the hundreds of pictures I have from the 10 years I spent with her, even though I can never- and will never- look at them again. I’ve yet to feel ready to part with them. They’re like evidence that someone so “gorgeous” once loved a silly boy, like the popular girl deigned to fuck the loser or something. I once asked her (toward the end) if she thought she had it over me.” “Yeah,” she said, “I have it over you.”

But if I trash all the photos, I feel, too, like I’d just be destroying another part of myself, of my life, of my history, and there’s not much left to destroy. It really is so hard to say goodbye. But that didn’t stop me from trashing all the drawings and paintings I did of her, and every other thing she left behind as a gift. But goddamn those photos!

I’ve feel that I’ve never loved someone so much, nor ever felt so loved. But I hate her more than I’ve ever hated anyone. I’ve never felt emotions as violent as the emotions she’s made me feel. I would love five minutes alone in a room with her. Or one. I would love for her to feel something, anything, approximating the pain of being thrown away by your “best friend,” your “best everything.” And thowi g me away only after heavy doses of humuliation, triangulation, and the mask more-than-slipping. I’d rather be in physical pain any day.

I tried dating almost immediately after the last discard. I wanted to prove, I wanted to show myself, that I didn’t need her, that I didn’t skip a beat either. She was posting pictures on instagram of her brilliant trip to NYC with her new billionaire lesbian BFF: “On top of the world, kisses to you ♡♡♡.” She was fucking random guys with her new girlfriend on Ashley Madison before she dumped me. And having threesomes with her new stoner jesus bible friends. I was most likely drunk and sobbing, if I wasn’t working. I’m still single, btw.

I feel like I’m going to die alone here, in my mother’s house where i now live, in a double-prison of my misery and my “love.” But at least I’m not emaciated anymore, I guess. At least my heart isn’t constantly beating like a hammer anymore. At least I know everyday will be peaceful and quiet. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m not waiting for anything, anymore. It’s heart-rending that they never loved you, that they only pretended to. No human being would do that. It’s pure sadism of the soul, to abuse that kind of power, to rape another person’s soul. Mine was fond of calling me her “sin-eater.” Of course we were soul-mates, and then some.

I’m ashamed that I was such her willing victim after a few years, that I would put up with worse and worse, that I’d put up with her bizarre disappearances, rampant cheating, humiliation, demon-posessed fury, claw marks down my face, arrest, not to mention shock, horror, endless grief, and times of true insanity. Ain’t love grand 🙂

What about you, boys? Are you making better progress? Has your life turned around? How did you fill that gaping void in yourself? If not, Why Not? Chin up boys, they’re only girls…

Hi Zari, Thank you for acknowledging us men. We are human, too! I was in a relationship with an FN who was also a hardcore feminist, influenced by the third wave. It is my assessment that feminist ideologies have facilitated female narcissism by setting up the male gender as a punching bag and by attributing good human qualities like empathy and nurturing to the female gender. While your willingness to make space for male victims of female narcissists is a step toward equality, an invitation to join “the sisterhood” seems insensitive.