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To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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299 Comments

  • Melodi

    January 18, 2017 at 7:26 pm Reply

    Hey Zari, you dont know how thrilled I am to finally find a site that talks about meN being the victims of this horrible evil abuse. I reconnected with my first love a little over a year ago and when I first laid eyes on him I was heartbroken as to how a man who had lived life so fully and was such a loving, sweet,sexy, and hard working man had become a depressed zombie. I barely recognized the man whom I had loved do dearly and really had never gotten out of system. He was thrilled not only to see me again but admitted to me that he had missed me as well and never had stopped loving me either. His significant other (whom he never married thank heavens, even though she tried to force him to) I was horrified to learn literally had him prisoner with no car, no phone, no friends, had isolated him from family, and all of the things that he had loved passionately like playing pool and gold, she had made him give up. I’ve done LOTS of research on NPD, and he has done the ” No Contact” thing and she has formed an all out revenge “Smear Campaign” against us (mainly me). Trying to spread untrue lies on me or us on gossip websites and to anyone who will listen.We have not responded to ANY of it. I’m just curious as to how long have you heard of this type thing going on. I was hoping that if she could find someone else she would move on, but that’s not going to be easy for her bc I don’t know of a single soul that likes her. I know that I’m doing the right thing by not giving any attention whatsoever to all the bs she’s trying to spread about me and showing her that she’s not worth a Minute of my time or energy, but as every one knows this also angers a N, being ignored and all. Do you have any advice to give me or any ideas on how to handle or not handle the situation? Thanks,Mel

    • Zari Ballard

      January 20, 2017 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Hi Melodi,

      First of all, you refer to her as his “significant other” but I’m assuming that you really meant to call her his ex, right? You don’t say how long they have been split up or were together because that would make a difference. Since you only reconnected a year ago, I’m thinking it hasn’t been that long. If that’s the case, at this point, she’s mad because, to her, you’re the other woman. So, he had allowed this woman to put him under her thumb, forcing him to give up everything in his life right down to his hobbies, family and friends, phone and car…to the point that he became a depressed zombie? Hmmmm. And then he left her as soon as you reconnected? If he could do that, why didn’t he just leave before that? Do they have kids together? How did you happen to reconnect with him? If they don’t have kids, then she needs to be blocked on all phones and social media and what you don’t look at won’t hurt you. That will take care of the smear campaign. If there are no kids and/or property, there should be no ties.

      I’m thinking that something is off about the story. Have you ever had a conversation with her and is everything you know about her only come from his stories? Who is she smearing you to? Do you all have mutual friends? And if the stories about her are all true, why isn’t HE dealing with it…telling her once and for all that he met someone else and it’s over. Did he just walk out and why, if things were so horrible, didn’t he do it earlier?

      You see, the thing about the female narcissist is not really that she’s mean (although that can be part of it). I counsel guys all the time who are in relationship with narcs. They typically are hooked on her beauty, the sex…there’s something about her that keeps the guy there even though she misbehaves. It usually isn’t because they are being held hostage and I don’t know any of the guys who would give up their phone and car. Does he have a phone and car now? What is she telling people?

      If you can, send me more information and I’d be glad to give you a better answer. I’m not exactly sure I understand the full situation.

      Zari:)

  • Derek

    December 26, 2016 at 1:41 pm Reply

    Zari,

    Thank you. As a male victim to a Female N, it is hard. You are right. It’s not so much the him and her thing, I can read between the lines and make the comparisons. It’s the victim thing you mentioned. I’m left with physical and emotional scars, and she is always the victim. I’m at the end of my rope. I thought I was strong enough for years, now realizing what npd/bpd means, I don’t know. It is so much more painful now, every time she opens her mouth it is self centered. We have a 4 year old daughter or I would be gone already. I can’t leave my daughter with her and leave, she will abuse her as she does until I put my foot down. My N stopped drinking, but the N behavior is still there, just not the threats of suicide and disappearing. Mostly due to the fact she got child abuse charges and is in litigation. I know I can get full custody. I’m dreading it. She will be the victim and everyone in her narcissistic family (mom and 2 other sisters) will hate me.

    I want hope, but honestly, I want to feel loved. I never get to feel loved anymore by my wife, and that is the hardest part. As confusing as it was in the fog, at least there was hope to feel loved. Now knowing all about N’s and their self centeredness, I feel so depressed and trapped.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 3, 2017 at 2:22 am Reply

      Hi Derek,

      Look, if you can get custody, LEAVE. And you better do it now while the child abuse charges are in litigation…while it’s still fresh in the court’s mind. Who cares what her narcissistic family thinks? That should be the least of your worries. If this woman is a child abuser…how the hell did she get child abuse charges? You mention child abuse twice in your post…if there was ever a time to get out, it is now. Take your child and run. As long as the COURTS don’t see her as a victim, who cares how she appears to the rest of the world? The courts apparently see your daughter as a victim and they may even be wondering why you are still there with abuse charges about her in litigation. I need more information on that. When it comes to the children, it’s time to come out of the fog. We don’t have a choice. Do what is right for your daughter. The rest is lost…she doesn’t love you or the child…never did and never will. Knowing this, you have to make a plan and go. Be strong and do the right thing. Who cares if she plays the victim??? You know the truth…and you can to be confident in the truth that you know, brother. Time is wasting away and a new year has started where you can get it right once and for all.

      Zari xoxo

  • Maxie

    December 19, 2016 at 10:51 am Reply

    Hi Zari…..I just wanted to wish you and your son a wonderful Holiday Season. I’m sure you’ve been very busy but I know I can speak for all us when I say that your efforts to support us is very much appreciated.
    As for me, there have been no recent “Pearl Harbor Attacks” from the Narc since the guitar return episode. However, as you mentioned, where there’s one hoover—another one is probably around the corner.

    Aloha,
    Maxie

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2016 at 10:52 pm Reply

      Thanks Maxie! Your message means a lot to me:) Have a wonderful holiday and New Years and don’t forget to stop by and visit in 2017. Here’s to a brand new year, brother!

      Love,
      Zari xo

  • silvio

    December 15, 2016 at 4:10 am Reply

    Hello Ramone,
    I read your letter. I don’t know how old are you and your “narc past wife” I think you are a lot younger than me: I’m 58 and looking back my past life I saw: my mother was a narcissist, my dad too and they crushed me, so I was a perfect victim and a Guinea pig. My first girl-friend was a victim too, the second was a sociopath and I remember the total lack of empathy. My wife was neither narcissist nor sociopath and I was lucky for nearly 25 years …. than something happened and I met my last partner: she was 40 I was 55: she was the perfect sum narcissist and sociopath… on that days my batteries are very, very low and I was without any protection: she used “love-bombing” a tactic I did not understand and -obviously-submitted me. After the first year I was KO and I left her… nope she was pregnant! The nine months a raging inferno! She lived in another town with her daughter and son both over 20 years old and I could not stay with her … she did not want a man who address her life: I gave her money: “I’m pregnant I can not work”, she said … she worked, she nearly lost the baby due hard work .. the money for a quiet pregnancy I gave her (a lot, about 3500$ each month was never enough…) money, money she always need money also for her sons vices… she also met other men regularly but I was blind: that was my first and only children with a wrong mother … at that time I did not know nothing about narcissist and sociopath of that kind … and I was a Security Operator for over 30 years… finally that’s HER pregnancy, that’s HER daughter not mine too… when she asked a lot more money through her lawyer, I said her “go to the hell, I want to know if that baby is mine too!) … well she refused the proof, again and again asked for money… I resisted, I did not give up… 10 months passed from the last call: she never worked in the meanwhile, she had money somewhere and another sponsor who give her money each moth… the real dad? ..or what? another victim, another believer? well I know she sold all the items of some worth I bought for the baby and all the gifts I bought her in two years. Remember: the boys are HER boys in her mind; her narc partner could be stronger than her but they live a life without empathy or regrets: conspirancy! Hugs, my friend!!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2016 at 11:27 pm Reply

      Hi Silvio,

      I posted your message to Ramone for you but it’s so much easier if you just hit the “Reply” button next to the post from Ramone you’re responding to. You can actually pick any of his posts and reply to it to get him a message. That way it will go directly to him and he can do the same. Right now I am re-routing but it takes me awhile and why waste the time if you guys want to correspond! Happy Holidays, brother!

  • Ramone

    December 14, 2016 at 11:49 am Reply

    Hey Silvio,

    Thanks for your reply… Yeah it’s a real battlefield sometimes… Like Zari has said a thousand times, the BEST approach is no contact, and I’m usually pretty good at this, but she’s been using the kids against me and frankly she’s pissing me off! She’s especially wound up at the moment because she’s still unemployed, her new dude has moved in and she’s not adjusting well to having another narc around her that close all the fucking time and I think she’s recognizing what a loser he is and that the tactics that she’s so familiar with using to damage other people are now being aimed at her by him! HAHA! It’s the holidays and what used to be a perfect family time where a lot of attention was sent her way as the mother of the only great/grandkids isn’t gonna be there this year. She’s miserable and she’s lashing out in anger in retaliation and then trying to coax with feigned kindness… Her whole life she’s been a kept woman, either by her grandparents, parents, siblings, or myself… She’s never had consequences for bad decisions. Her schooling has always been paid for, nice trips, presents, or just help paying the bills. I moved 4 times in the last 5 years so she could chase her happiness that she never found, including building a house for her that we no longer live in!!! Talk about codependency and enabling… So anyways, I did break the rules yesterday… but dammit! It felt good and I don’t care if it may have given her any sort of supply because it helped me vent! I told her exactly what I thought about her decisions and that the rift between her and the family was not my doing, but all consequences of her poor choices and that I’m done with her!!! She traded everything she had (which was never enough for her) for her own selfish gain, thinking that she was going to live like a rock star (she bought a boat and a motorcycle this summer, which was more important than food and clothing for our babies!) It was all a lie! I would say that she’s regretting her decision, but that wouldn’t be true because she doesn’t regret shit!!! She doesn’t think it’s her fault!!! But she’s feeling sorry for herself after shit went downhill so quick and there’s no one to bail her out this time. Can you tell I’m kinda in the anger phase of recovery again? LOL! She’s also freaking out because the police are involved in an investigation because she stole about $19K in jewelry from me… Engagement ring/wedding ring to be exact that I had purchased for her as Valentine’s gifts last year that she never got. Guess she felt entitled to them anyway because she used the kids to get in my house and the rings were gone. Then she had the audacity to actually wear the ring in public and say it was from her new dude!!! Now she’s scheduled for a lie detector later this week! Called me yesterday fully shocked that I wouldn’t drop the case! How could I do this to her??? Why am I so mean? Then called me later to scream at me that I just didn’t understand how much she wanted to be with me again! Said she’s gonna get her life together and break up with the loser and I’ll see how much she’s changed… Whatever… I’ll believe it when I see it. Not falling for it this time…

    And, yes, the kids are mine! Beautiful daughter and amazing son who are at least half of the time experiencing all of the love and nurturing they deserve. It’s exhausting dude!!! But I’m staying strong and starting to see the benefits of doing what’s right because karma is catching up real quick! Hope you have a beautiful Holiday in Italy! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too Zari!

    Thanks! I’ll talk to you guys soon…

    Ramone

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2016 at 11:23 pm Reply

      Hi Ramone, Silvio sent you the message below. To reply, find a post from Silvio in this thread and hit the “Reply” button. It will post directly to him and hopefully he will do the same. Right now you guys are re-routing through me and it takes much longer…xo

      Hello Ramone,
      I read your letter. I don’t know how old are you and your “narc past wife” I think you are a lot younger than me: I’m 58 and looking back my past life I saw: my mother was a narcissist, my dad too and they crushed me, so I was a perfect victim and a Guinea pig. My first girl-friend was a victim too, the second was a sociopath and I remember the total lack of empathy. My wife was neither narcissist nor sociopath and I was lucky for nearly 25 years …. than something happened and I met my last partner: she was 40 I was 55: she was the perfect sum narcissist and sociopath… on that days my batteries are very, very low and I was without any protection: she used “love-bombing” a tactic I did not understand and -obviously-submitted me. After the first year I was KO and I left her… nope she was pregnant! The nine months a raging inferno! She lived in another town with her daughter and son both over 20 years old and I could not stay with her … she did not want a man who address her life: I gave her money: “I’m pregnant I can not work”, she said … she worked, she nearly lost the baby due hard work .. the money for a quiet pregnancy I gave her (a lot, about 3500$ each month was never enough…) money, money she always need money also for her sons vices… she also met other men regularly but I was blind: that was my first and only children with a wrong mother … at that time I did not know nothing about narcissist and sociopath of that kind … and I was a Security Operator for over 30 years… finally that’s HER pregnancy, that’s HER daughter not mine too… when she asked a lot more money through her lawyer, I said her “go to the hell, I want to know if that baby is mine too!) … well she refused the proof, again and again asked for money… I resisted, I did not give up… 10 months passed from the last call: she never worked in the meanwhile, she had money somewhere and another sponsor who give her money each moth… the real dad? ..or what? another victim, another believer? well I know she sold all the items of some worth I bought for the baby and all the gifts I bought her in two years. Remember: the boys are HER boys in her mind; her narc partner could be stronger than her but they live a life without empathy or regrets: conspirancy! Hugs, my friend!!

      • Ramone

        December 28, 2016 at 8:26 am Reply

        Well, I fucked up… pretty bad…
        My girlfriend decided she needed time out from our relationship just before Christmas, left me in a pretty deep emotional hole. Perfect for my narc ex to come hoovering again. I let my emotions lead me again, and I knew the entire time I was just setting myself up. So here I am again, emotionally destroyed and alone again. Hating life and my choices!!!

        Hope at least the rest of you are doing well,
        Ramone

  • silvio

    December 13, 2016 at 10:55 am Reply

    Wow , that’ a bad situation. It seems a war declaration! the boys are the victims: she use them, her partner is the other big problem. Try to think in a way different: what can you do she does not aspect? to ban her from socials? can you have vacation days just for Christmas and leave your town? … I’ll do something different from your usual way of life … a surprise! She knows you better than yourself, be sure! I say: poor boys and poor guy: you cannot control how the children grow really… sorry for this question, are you sure they are yours? did you do the DNA proof…. I wish you’ll live the best Christmas possible, my friend! Hugs from Italy

    • Zari Ballard

      December 13, 2016 at 2:41 pm Reply

      I think you meant this for Ramone so I replied to him for you with your post….

  • Ramone

    December 13, 2016 at 9:40 am Reply

    Hi Zari,

    Just finished the book this morning and it’s like a play by play of my life lately…

    As I predicted she’s cranked the drama up again. Started this week with a good deal of hoovering and then insults and now love bombing… She knows exactly what buttons to push and I have to keep reminding myself over and over that she can’t change and that I have to stay the course. Her narc boyfiend has moved in with her now since he lost his rental house and she can’t pay her mortgage because she lost her job. She of course is giving me the sad story that she really doesn’t want to be with him and that he’s cheating on her but she doesn’t have a choice because she’d lose the house without his contributions. She also know that I can’t stand having that scumbag around my poor babies!!! So her tactic is now to try to reel my in by saying that if I would just cut ties to the family then she would want to be with me again and we’ll live happily ever after because she’s learned so much from her mistakes… I’m calling bullshit…
    It sucks to watch her suffer, but I just can’t go through this endless recycling!!!

    Ramone

    • Zari Ballard

      December 13, 2016 at 2:46 pm Reply

      Hi Ramone!

      Silvio sent you a message:

      Wow , that’ a bad situation. It seems a war declaration! the boys are the victims: she use them, her partner is the other big problem. Try to think in a way different: what can you do she does not aspect? to ban her from socials? can you have vacation days just for Christmas and leave your town? … I’ll do something different from your usual way of life … a surprise! She knows you better than yourself, be sure! I say: poor boys and poor guy: you cannot control how the children grow really… sorry for this question, are you sure they are yours? did you do the DNA proof…. I wish you’ll live the best Christmas possible, my friend! Hugs from Italy

      He’s above your below your post under this article…you can hit “Reply” within his post and respond to him that way. Hang in there, brother! You are not alone. Yes, you are right to call bullshit and you don’t have to cut ties with anybody to appease her. The hoovering and the love bombing is null and void given the fact that she is LIVING with someone…has moved someone IN. All she’s trying to do is keep you in the queue.

      Zari xo

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