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How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

marriednarcThe narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

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Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

  1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
  2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
  3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
  4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
  5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
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When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.

So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believable demeanor and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!

Will the married narcissist ever leave his wife? Click here…

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144 Comments

  • Cris

    February 22, 2019 at 1:33 am Reply

    Funny a game is what I always felt it was with him. I know when I was seeking hell when he left me pregnant with our 3rd child he didn’t like it bc I was learning who he was. That it wasn’t all in my head…his behavior to figbt over small things then act like a chikd by telling me “Don’t talk to me!while giving me his back. He would physicall abuse me infront of my children even though I tried to keep it not in their sight. He would yell and say “Stop hurting me!” When I am not doing anything or just trying to get near him to comfort him as that is what I was just triggered to do as if he was a child with issues learning how to coupe with an argument. Someone told me I sounded like a parent. Curl up like in a fidle position. Crazy acts and drinking made him sort of normal. I noticed he would be really nice to older women at work better than me. Always having the ability to seem so normal for a second and then find ways to flip the blame on me and be normal around others when he needed to be like w the police.Even at work he is able to shift the blame of the students he works with and it scares me how many aren’t taken serious by his behavior towards them. I’ve heard the stories even from him and he tells them like he has done nothing wrong and it sickens me to hear and be afriad to speak up! Makes me upset n depresse inside.
    He even tells me to deal with how he is and his tantrums of needing space by leaving within one week while he lived w me m kids then on his own to his apartment he got during the second year of our marriage which I have no access to. Divorcing me on my birthday then comes back for me to give hom a try bc he knows he needs to work o himself and not always running away that it wasn’t helping our marriage. BUT THE WHOLE time he did nothing to except true fault always mine. Telling me I was the manipulator and abuser. Telling me I was manipulating the kids while they always told him sorry when he asked them while he was the one who walked out a minute ago and by my stupid self feeling bad for him to xome back and its okay to blame me but not to leave the kids in termoil.always had the kids tell dad thank you for a dinner he made when around when they shouldn’t bc he wasn’t even in their lives enough but it was my fault. Somehow he has them in a hook that he is their. For all who are out their w kids give your kids tons of love n tell them they are loved and let them know it isn’t their fault. They will see in time even very young who was really their. Believe in yourself to leave and Know IT ISN’T YOU OR IN YOUR HEAD.
    Sorry for lengthy comment. Always felt he had someone else. He never liked I even mention an accusation while him telling me I have no proof but I did bc he would leave me over simple things that turned very bad within a week and would walk out over m over again w no contact with me not even about kids then I would make the call n if I didn’t he would text me like he was concerned with “I will call to do a welfare check”…involving police to come to my home to check on me n kids. Scaring me for houra when after the fact I am like why am I even scared?.. they get you caught up in doubts and fears for no good reason you should. THAT IS THE SCARY PART of them. Little things other would blow up would make you freak out in tears wanting to escape but can’t. Sick to still love someone like that. After bending over backward find put by others amd being straight out told that…I wasn’t even his wife nor a girlfriend bc a girlfriend you at least want to please and he never pleased me when I needed his help to fix doorways to our kids door that have no doors,no kitchem w even one pair of needed cabinets or repairs I needed to be fixed n help w my car cleaning. Right away he would help his parent before us. His friends never came over since we were dating and we never saw them in the 6 yrs of our marriage. Fishy I guess he does have another life. He even told me that once..that I am probably thinking he has another life. Hate his gutts just to read this article n see it might be all true he does. My kids n I have to suffer n them more bc of court visitation. Sick justice system too to not care to hear he is not healthy to be around bc when u speak u don’t have the same demeanor as he can play off, so you look like you don’t know what you are talking about. Be safe. Be calm and try n pray so that you can provail even when it might be small. Keep your head up. Your not alone. It’s ISN’T YOU xo

  • Michael

    February 13, 2019 at 4:08 am Reply

    Hi Healingmysoul. I agree that it is nice to talk about the situation when your lover, not your spouse, is the married narcissist. Marriage, IMHO, creates behaviors by the narcissist that can be different from what I’ve been reading about with cheating narcissistic spouses. Your situation sounds very similar to mine (I posted another comment). You are not alone!!!

    My covert malignant narc was a married woman. Something that I thought I would not do either, but she was a relentless predator. She also had some psychopathic traits. The love bombing was intense and her lying was so smooth. Both went on for most of the 2+ year relationship, especially whenever she felt me pull away. We are NC now, I am trying to get on with my life, but I am careful not to provoke narcissistic rage.

    She triangulated me with her husband and he befriended me (very awkward). Initially, I didn’t know she was married. Thankfully my job moved me away and I blocked her from all of my social media, but her husband and I are still FB friends. I don’t want to unfriend him because he may start asking questions and I don’t want to lie to him again. His wife will definitely lie (rage) about me — then I may get in real trouble; which is crazy because as far as I can tell, she is still hooking up with several guys quite often (weekly; she did it while she was with me too, I ignored the signs at the time).

    Such a crazy mess. It seems like most of us find out the truth after the fact. At least that was my case. Yes, there were red flags (other than being married), but she was quite young and attractive and so I put on my rose colored glasses, the special ones made for men, and fell for the love bombs.

    I’m happy that you have a supportive husband. That’s cool. I have my supportive therapist and friends (who were clueless and then appalled when I told them about covert narcissism).

    I think healing is slow. I alternate between remembering and missing the romantic times (at least they were romantic to me) and wanting to see her meet her demise – being outed — maybe having her husband return home early from a business trip to a driveway full of cars and a “party” inside. Sadly, her skills are so good and he is so emeshed that she could probably convince him that nothing is wrong.

    As for me, I will continue therapy and rebuild the self-respect that I gave up to be in that relationship. My heartache is decreasing daily, but as I told her in our last contact – 100 showers could not wash the stain of you off of my soul.

    Sorry for this rambling response.

    .

  • Michael

    February 13, 2019 at 2:32 am Reply

    Zari. Thank you for this great post. I have been waiting for something on this topic. I agree with LittleFlower’s comment. I’m male and my covert narcissist was a married woman, who pursued me like a predator. I did not know about covert narcissism until after the relationship ended and my metal fog cleared and I began checking into all of the red flags that I had ignored. I found the dynamic of my relationship was quite different from everything I’ve read so far because she was married and was juggling many men (very well supplied to put it mildly). She never really devalued or became angry with me (gaslight yes), but when your lover is married, you become part of their web of lies; sucked away my self-respect. Even still, I have found that detaching from that toxic relationship shares a lot in common with everyone else’s stories – lots of heartache and emotional fallout to deal with. Thanks again.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 15, 2019 at 12:49 pm Reply

      Hi Michael, I wish for you the best. The web of lies runs deep and we WANT TO BELIEVE. It’s hard to wrap our head around the reality and this is why we get stuck. Knowledge is power and you are not alone. Married to the narc or not, our lives are all but interchangeable. Thank you for stopping by, brother….

  • Leatitia

    February 10, 2019 at 10:12 pm Reply

    Im currently going tru divorce with my soon to be ex husband..i went tru it all for 7yrs thinking that he would change and was a victim of several abused tacticks of him im actually thankfull that i had survive that behavior i always felt sick and he made me feel that im crayze nd stupid its the hardest thing to love a narcissist..😔 trying to heal from this ..

    • Zari Ballard

      February 15, 2019 at 12:57 pm Reply

      Hi Leatitia, you CAN heal! The fact that you are going through a divorce…good for you. Life is too short for all this narcissistic nonsense and a narc will waste your life away if you allow it. Do not be intimidated throughout the divorce process because it is only a tactic. Keep reading and learning how to deal. There are so many survivors and we all come out the other side better for the troubled journey……xoxo

  • wonda bernard

    February 10, 2019 at 8:57 pm Reply

    I met this man at my son game to make a long story short we start talking he would send me pictures and song everyday we both married I end up leaving my husband he start changing on me he is a truck driver then he stop calling before he go home stop calling or texting me good morning he be wrong and don’t see it he told me he loves me but I beg the differ now he text me only if I text him I still love him he should me thing my husband didn’t do I am so hurt now me and my husband got back together but now I get the cold shoulder if I call he don’t answer I go off he respond I just wish he never said anything to me he start sending me stuff he wanted cologne almost 500.when he in my presence he is loving when we would be on phone he talking crazy and everything being mean I know he got a lot of ladies and they going through what I am going through I know how his wife is he doesn’t have his phone around her and keep it in the car I am going to bust him out about this its so sad people playing with people feelings

    • Zari Ballard

      February 15, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

      Hi Wonda….how about you work on your marriage and forget the narcissist? Don’t spend your time trying to bust him now because he just doesn’t care. As for all the other ladies, that is their problem. You have your own life to lead. Don’t take his calls and do not respond to texts. He already messed up your marriage once and he will happily do it again because THIS IS WHAT HE DOES. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Better to walk away on this one and let him go about his merry business without you in the queue. Blessings, sister….xo

  • Aniis

    January 31, 2019 at 12:11 pm Reply

    Why is it that he is at his most interested when I am at my least? It is because I am a game and I must be played until he wins. He enjoys playing me, working out the best strategy to win. A game can be perplexing, tiresome, exciting, annoying, fun, but above all it must be won. Once he has won he goes and finds another game and when he finishes that one, he finds another. He’ll come back and play me again, because I’m a good game.

  • Chris

    January 1, 2019 at 2:26 pm Reply

    Holidays – a tricky time for those of us trying to heal from a narcissistic relationship. Well, for me it has been.. I have had no contact for a year now, despite all of the things I have learned about narcissists, what I endured and survived, there are days like today, that I still feel sad, still grieve that relationship. Maybe I’m grieving what I “ thought” it was at one point, someone who loved me. I know now that is not true – someone who loves you does not keep hurting you again and again- not caring how their behavior effects you emotionally, financially or physically. Continuing lies, mind games and manipulation, not phased that their behavior can destroy your life. Then, why do I still think of him? Miss him on a day like New Year’s Eve? Well, again, I tell myself- I miss what I THOUGHT it was, someone who loved me. But, I ask- does that mean we didn’t love them? No, I think, on our side, there was probably real love.. so, how do we still grieve an unhealthy relationship? Don’t misunderstand me, I am by no means saying I would want to reconnect, NOPE! Never! I’m just saying, it’s a complicated matter and I think we should feel safe, especially in this space, to express our sadness, grief, anger or any feeling we have.. I think by allowing and respecting our grieving process, we will not only heal and move on, but, support and inspire each other to do the same.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 15, 2019 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Hi Chris, on our side, of course there is love. It’s not abnormal for us to WANT TO BELIEVE that the person we love is telling us the truth even when they are spewing lies. Narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be who they are. You will be okay and yes, recovery has to be a team effort because no one else will ever understand the dynamic of what we go through. I have other articles here about that residual feeling we get even though we don’t want the narc back and they will explain what you are feeling. It’s all normal and part of the process of acceptance. Being free is always better….xo

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