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How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

marriednarcThe narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

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Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

  1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
  2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
  3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
  4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
  5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
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When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.

So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believable demeanor and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!

Will the married narcissist ever leave his wife? Click here…

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144 Comments

  • Lisa P

    November 23, 2021 at 10:55 am Reply

    So glad to have found this community. It is crazy making to understand that these people are disturbed and intentional with this abuse for their own fun! My story: A former high-school romance reached out to me 3 years back on social media after my mother had passed. Said he found notice of it in our former home town mewspaper. I didn’t reply. I now live in another state and it had been 30 years since I last saw him. I had heard he had gotten married back 28 years ago. He was a used car salesman at the time. Perfect job for a narc, right?! Anyway, he tracked me down and called me at my work. I was in a fine mood and decided to take his call.. It was nice to hear his voice and reminisce as he was always so charming. I was going through a divorce at the time. I didn’t learn he was still married until call 3 of likely 500 or so that followed. Same lies.. she is moving out, filing for divorce and is a mean psycho. He would travel to visit and we went on trips. 1 year affair, then gaslighted and ghosted. I did know these terms until recently. I guess I should have been thankful for the covid travel restrictions over that second and third year. His wife found during that time as he was always on the phone and couldn’t travel for work. Long story short, same cycle. Just picking up the pieces of my life and trying to remember that the person he presented to me never really existed even though it felt so real. As former friends from the same high-school how could I have been so duped? I guess I let the red flag slide because I knew him already. His wife knows now and it is OVER! I will try the no contact thing, but I did call his wife last week to confirm her suspicions. She said they have both moved on, but I am not sure I believe her. No matter, not my circus and this feed has really helped to understand this is a true disorder. Thanks!

  • Fila Buster

    August 13, 2021 at 4:33 pm Reply

    My situation is bat shit crazy: My narc and I dated for 4 years…he was 14 years older than me when we met. We worked at the same place. I grew up in a broken home with no father—and he preyed upon me. He groomed me. He’s even said so. During the 4 years we dated, it was mostly a long-distance relationship.

    Along the way, I found out he was seeing another person on the side. I left him. He married her and now I’m his side piece…I found the courage to leave him two times, but am back with him and this has gone on for 35 years in total…and in the meantime, I have been married for 21 of those years myself.

    The trauma bond is real, which I didn’t even know was a thing until recently. I couldn’t understand why I would go back to or stay with a person like this, or risk everything to be with him, until I learned about it. All the manipulation all the gaslighting, all the coersion, everything, I get it now. I get why he’s a hypochondriac, to get attention.

    He hoovers when I am at my lowest iwith my spouse and swoops in and makes me feel better about my marriage, he’s even given me advice on how to improve it! WHAT? I have recently truly woken up to who he is.

    I am now trying to find the strength to get out, but now he has blackmail material and has actually hinted at it, he’s hinted at calling my college-age son, he’s doing his best to make sure I stay put. He’s angry as hell that I left him two other times. He determined to make me pay and make me stay.

    I know exactly who he is and he hates that I tell him, “I know you”. I do. I have stopped showing emotion when he tries to upset me. I laugh at him more than I ever have, in his face. I know him inside and out and I know he’s a snake and evil. I want to expose him so badly. The good thing is I do have the fact that he’s 14 years older than me, so maybe time will ultimately be on my side. But I’ve been involved with him since I was 18. I’m 52 now.

    I grew up with a Narc Mother…so I went from one Narc to the other. I don’t even know what is real. I’ve lived an allusion my entire life. I feel like an imposter in my own life.

  • Chris

    August 10, 2019 at 3:05 pm Reply

    Thank you for this site. What a wonderful
    Venue for understanding, healing and change. It’s been two years since I’ve seen my ex narcissist. After a horrid almost 7 year crazy relationship that caused so much emotional, financial and physical damage – I’m
    Still trying to recover. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I read in another comment they felt like “ they were under a crazy spell”… yep, me too. I cannot believe I didn’t see things until
    after the break up. I didn’t understand narcissism, could not identify it. I kept dealing with him like he was normal, not until the breakup and some distance did I begin to see clearly. I’m still so sad, still so painful. I uprooted my life and gave up so much, on so many levels. For a person who didn’t care about me, not in any real way. Which was proven again and again. So many broken promises- no regard for my well being on any level. What a different person from the man I met day one.. charming, caring, romantic, affectionate. Called me his “ dream girl”..all while pursuing another and marrying them while we were together! Never told me until years later.. actually, I found out! So much more, but, I’ll leave it there.God, I cannot believe I lived that! I cannot believe because of him I suffer, put myself in a bad position for him.
    What makes me even more upset- there are moments I miss him. Miss who I thought he was. Thank you Zari, for this site and to all who post. You help more than you realize!

  • Rye Be

    April 25, 2019 at 8:16 am Reply

    I was with a married narcissist for 10 years ( I managed to liberate myself 3 years ago). I think one case you do not mention with regard to how a narcissist will explain the presence of, at least, two women in his life (and which to me now is the peak of narcissist behavior) is what I got: my narcissist, who hid from me the existence of his wife during the first 6 months of intensive platonic dating (I found out through a mutual acquaintance), subsequently never once stated any type of problem with his wife at all. He simply felt entitled to having 2 relationships in his life (probably he had other minor ones at the same time as well). He run a sort of paralel life with me, with lots of exciting activities, travels and amazing sex, but he would always eventually go back to his loving, loyal wife, who, as far as I know, knew nothing about my existence. Do not ask me how or why I tolerated this, I still cannot understand it, I feel I was acting under some kind of spell.

  • annonymous

    April 6, 2019 at 10:47 pm Reply

    Yes….I got hoovered during the holidays waiting for the divorce to be final from a VERY SHORT MARRIAGE when I left him after 2.5 months with a lifetime worth of flashbacks I have every day now…even with such a short period of time! Even though I knew who he was…my fairytale thinking had me secretly hoping because his GOOD SIDE WAS MY SOULMATE…and after a little bit of time and distance from the trauma…Internally I hoped that we could work things out…even though I KNEW BETTER IN MY HEART!!! We were together for a few weeks, and I know he wanted me to beg him not to go through with the divorce…and he kept saying he didn’t want it, but….I told him I didn’t see a solution (because I know he is a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist and can’t change even if he WANTED TO…and because of all the shit he had said and done…irreparable damage). I wish I had not gotten back with him because it just made it harder in the end…he tried and tried and tried to get me back when I went no contact after the divorce was final…even though I was very kind to him in the end…but when he wanted me back even after the divorce and he realized i was serious that I wasn’t going back with him, Mr. Hyde came back in full force! That is when I nicely told him we should not stay in contact so we could heal quicker. He hoovered relentlessly…texted me begging me to come back to him, and stalked me (driving by my house…ringing my doorbell) after that for a couple of months with no response from me… and then texted me he found someone else (he had already told me that 3 days after the divorce and out of my bed while still begging me back)…and he was taking them to meet his parents already!!! I did not respond and then blocked him. Even though I am grateful to not be married to this monster anymore, I am still hurting and even missing him on some level! I can’t even explain it to myself…but it is the whole “trauma bonding” thing…and, too, I am 54 and thought that after being single for so long he was the Godsend I had been waiting for after my longterm marriage had ended 9 years ago. Fools Gold, he was! Hang in there…it is just going to hurt for a while. But…this, too, shall pass. Just hurts like hell in the meantime! Feeling sorry for the “new supply” who will soon have her own story!

    • Whitney

      January 9, 2020 at 10:44 am Reply

      This is so very similar to my story. 4 1/2 year relationship. I was single for so long after my divorce. I am 51. I went back and regret it. Even got engaged. Only he has not tried to Hoover me although it has been less than 4 months and he has a new supply that he was grooming before the break up and I assume they are still together. I see him on the road almost EVERYDAY and it sucks. I’ve lived in my town for 30 years and he’s only been here 5 years. I vacillate between anger, sadness, acceptance. I’m done with the denial and bargaining. I pray he stays away. It’s been a lot better for me since I blocked him and he new supply on Facebook. So I wouldn’t look! Strength and peace in healing.

  • Hilary Sweet

    March 19, 2019 at 10:46 am Reply

    I have been married to a N for almost 50 years and didn’t even know it! Reading your books has really opened my eyes. I just feel depressed that I have wasted so much of my life, we met when we were 15 and we are now 68! He left me 4 years ago to !I’ve with a real nasty piece of work, I feel humiliated and that I am too old now to start again, so all see in my future is loneliness and more heartache. We still see each other every day except Sunday, and he has text me every 3-4 hours for the entire time he’s been gone, I haven’t got a clue how to get over him!

    • Sher sky

      September 28, 2021 at 7:34 pm Reply

      In an 8 year relationship 4 which we were married. Of course I was trauma bonded & doubted my own intuition! This man abused me
      In every way! I left once and he was persistent. We married & started becoming ill. I was raising his kids from 4yrs to 10yts until they were 12 & 18. The year prior to our divorce I moved out & stayed gone for 8 months. I noticed I was feeling better, no longer had memory issues, my lupus flare ups
      Suddenly were gone when they had been
      So frequent I had to retire after 30 years of
      Nursing & go on disability. I found out
      Later he lied about what he made and had more
      Than
      Half of his pay going onto a credit card all
      While not paying our debts. I couldn’t figure out where our money was going. He was supposedly working 6 days a week yet we are out of money when he made
      13k a Month with my 3k. He convinced me he had changed, he signed up for anger management & couples counseling if I moved home. I came back to rent being 4 months behind, caught it up to be treated the worst
      I had ever experienced he incorporated his children and with the years. Of him being absent they were happy to have his attention I didn’t blame them they had to be his children forever!
      Then: I started planning my final move & ended up having to obtain a protection order and have Him removed from the home just so I could pack
      My things & be safe: I suddenly realized I was in danger & the judge even stated this is how I know your trauma is real! Bc u had no clue u were in danger until now! That still resonates today the realization of it. I had been gone 8’monhhs & Bc he wanted to do the discarding & wanted me to catch up his bills I was sought after! The day I went to the court house to file for divorce he was sitting there giggling and happy as if he was on the best date ever! Lied over abs over when I asked for the truth! Just stare with the black
      Soulless eyes that he never cheated in his life he never lied! Truth was she existed before we married! She had been waiting on the sidelines tor him to leave me for years! It suddenly didn’t matter all that mattered was putting the pieces back together & not wasting any more of my life on someone unworthy of my love or loyalty. So she is his new soulmate! Which is my fun way of referring to the luck of him having multiple soul mates every year! The days she was in turmoil would of been my good days &’ vice versa. It’s been 3.5 years and as far as I know they are still together but I know she knows down deep I wasn’t the problem, everything he claimed i did I am sure. I didn’t pay his bills just like he told me his ex didn’t pay taxes on his business 2 years & he lost his business! Nothing to do with cocaine and alcoholism, gambling or prostitutes or his financial irresponsibility. Nope nothing at all to do with that! It was all his ex! I m sure He said I was the reason for all his problems or why he has to have your money or help! I will admit it was all true except the role reversal trick! I was crazy tho! I was suffering from stole Holmes syndrome, npd abuse trauma, CPTSD, Codependency, disassociation that developed when I became really ill from the constant consistent abuse! I was a career nurse! I obviously had nightingale syndrome! I was naive to evil existing in people! I excused the red flags that were flying high & him the director of the red flag convoy! I allowed him to treat me disrespectful in the beginning until it was the new Norm! Violating my boundaries sleepless nights! My life is now peaceful & I am 3.5 years post narc. Went on my very first date Friday, red flag presented & that was the last date also! I didn’t explain myself, just told him thank u but I don’t think We are compatible & I blocked him,
      He was stattimg on excuses & I don’t have any time or room for chaos. I made it thru tho I m
      No longer having panic attacks or turning around when I am expected some place! I thank god every day I was with him during the pandemic. I know I look younger now at 52 than I did at 48! A gf of mine said she saw them both &’ that she looked really unkept on maintenance & he now had MS, so I karma is a real thing & I am a thriving warrior! Thanks for the words! Anyone questioning whether to leave or if they will change, if u are even thinking about it there is a reason! Leave Bc they can not change without having accountability & that isn’t going to happen as long as their are sources of supply! U are worthy of the life u deserve! And the woman who said she is too old to have anyone or have a life! U can have the life u chose to have & don’t allow him stealing your years, steal your future! U are now in control of the story! U are writing the narrative! Xoxo

  • Blondy

    March 7, 2019 at 11:23 pm Reply

    Thanks so much for this article. I’ve been thinking my ex who is married is a narcissist and pretty much everything you wrote sounds just like him including he travels for work.Except he wasn’t mean or angry with me. We have a baby and he has never met my child. He ended things after a fight almost a year ago and I made him tell his wife. I was three months pregnant at that time. It’s been a hard and long rough year! I feel it’s never going to end but reading stuff like this and seeing that other people have went through the same things and overcame it gives me hope. Thanks again for article !

    • Zari Ballard

      May 4, 2019 at 1:22 am Reply

      Thank you Blondy! I appreciate you stopping by and finding some strength in my words. Makes my day!

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