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How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

marriednarcThe narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

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Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

  1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
  2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
  3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
  4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
  5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
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When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.

So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believable demeanor and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!

Will the married narcissist ever leave his wife? Click here…

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144 Comments

  • Becky

    December 7, 2018 at 7:43 am Reply

    How did you all find the strength to leave? I’m so upset I fell for this. Red flags flying everywhere but every time I’m ready to run I somehow get sucked right back in. I’ve convinced myself this is karma for any wrong I’ve done in life but my god. I don’t think I’m that bad of a person. How is everything my fault? How do my own eyes lie to me? How am I wrong 100% of the time? He makes me feel crazy!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 9, 2018 at 12:51 am Reply

      Hi Becky,

      You are not alone and you are not crazy. You need to understand that HE is the problem and he will never change. Don’t judge your self-worth by the bad behaviors of another person. It just makes no sense. His job ion life and especially in your relationship is to distract you from what HE is doing so that you don’t pay attention. You just need some tough love. Book some time with me and I’ll give it to you straight. Life is so short and he will waste your life away if you allow it. How can YOU be so wrong when HE is the one juggling and ruining multiple lives? It’s all about changing your perspective:) You can do this!

      Zari xo`

  • Susan

    November 24, 2018 at 11:37 pm Reply

    My soon to be x-husband of many years discarded me and his five step children. He was in their life for 11years. The thing I struggle with is he has many narcissistic traits but he doesn’t have all of them. He also is a mix of the different types of NPD. Is this common? I always read about the narc hovering. Mine sent mixed signals but they weren’t I’m sorry I want you back. It was a text here and there saying I love you. I never answered except when it was about the sale of our house. He didn’t seem jealous or worried to lose me at all. I had no idea he would ask me for a divorce. I was blind-sided. He went through six jobs in seven years. He resented me because I called him out on it and was very harsh. He got mad and planned his exit and completely abandoned us. We had only lived in our new house for 7 months when he bailed.

  • Jennifer Smith

    November 24, 2018 at 6:05 pm Reply

    That’s a sociopath who behaves this way. And none of it is for the reasons we think it is. Their brains are wired this way. They biologically do not connect to others, people are objects for their own personal use or gain. They live in a parallel reality that is quite specific. Until we understand their identical minds were vulnerable to an invasion, ensnarement by one. I guide people around the globe through escape and trauma recovery, healing ptsd, and becoming narcissistic user, sociopath proof forever after my own hijacking by one of these creatures.

  • Wendy

    November 10, 2018 at 12:51 am Reply

    I never thought I could be fooled like this, but I was. I married my husband after 3 years of dating. 3 years of red flags that I ignored or let him explain away, and married him anyway. He was a master at making me feel sorry for him. I never realized I was such the bleeding heart until now, looking back at the mental abuse that I accepted, for years not expecting more for myself.
    Finally a year ago, I asked for the divorce. I felt so guilty but I couldn’t live like this anymore.
    Over the past 5 years He had a job that kept him away from home, I’m sure it’s what prolonged the marriage as things were off from the beginning. We were in marriage counseling from the start. I never could quite understand what was wrong. We never could resolve issues and he was a master at flipping things after appalling behavior by him, He never showed any empathy at necessary times. And I always would feel guilty! He was always the victim. He barely kept a job in our first 5 years of marriage. I often discovered indiscretions with other women but never found evidence of cheating. Now I know, he played me every time.

    After discussing divorce a year ago August, he returned from his job in November. We made plans to get thru Christmas for our son and then separate. It was somewhat amicable and I agreed to give him a sum of money from a big case I had just settled.
    However, in June I was contacted by a co worker of his, she told me she had been in a relationship with him for over a year. She decided to tell me because she found out he was involved with another woman!! She always thought we were “separated” as he explained to her. He told her from the beginning that he couldn’t divorce and had to play his cards right because I was coming into money. The extent of his lies are beyond shocking. More and more has come out. The girlfriends before her, etc. My marriage was a sham.

    The co worker and I are now friends. She no longer works with him. This summer when he found out she and I were in touch ( and that I was now refusing to pay him the money that I agreed to) the mask came off. He attacked both of us. He attempted to get her fired and threatened her that he was going to f’ up her life. (she soon quit). He accused me of fraud in court ( I’m a lawyer and got it dismissed). He went after both of us in a way I didn’t know he had in him. He has shown that he has no boundaries and no limits. His true nature has been revealed and finally the last 16 years of my life make sense. I was confused and thought so much was my fault-,and most would say I’m one of the strongest women they know.

    Crazy enough the co worker and I talk regularly and have helped each other to heal. She was just as much a victim as myself, ( she is 18 years younger than me). Unfortunately, I can’t go no contact as we have a son together and the divorce is pending. He is suing me for some of my income and I am pursuing supervised visitation only. My lawyer received a settlement demand that addressed all of the reasons that I should pay him, it didn’t make one mention of his son.

    This has been a lot to face discovering who and what I was married to. Especially concerning my son, though I think my son was the first one to see through him years ago.
    Thanks for listening. These platforms have helped me tremendously. I now understand so much more.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 10, 2018 at 5:52 pm Reply

      Wow Wendy!

      Girl, I sure hope you kick his ass in court! I love that you are a lawyer even though he apparently feels that HE is one too. This is the absurdity and scariness of the situation. The narc truly has no boundaries whatsoever and they are so delusional about their abilities that they WILL take things to court and demand their “rights”. This is how they intimidate people into doing their bidding…the fact that we know they will do ANYTHING to get what they want. They have no shame at all. The fact that you are a lawyer doesn’t scare him one and this is only because he’s a narcissist. No moral compass. Hopefully, he won’t get a dime of anything! Supervised visits sounds like a very good idea because he will likely use his son as a pawn when it suits him. I hear it all the time. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

      What a story! I’m keeping my fingers crossed, sister. Hang in there and hang tough. Let the truth prevail and keep me updated!!

      Zari xo

      • Shelly

        November 10, 2018 at 11:31 pm Reply

        I am still waiting on my ex to get the divorce papers to me, but he also thinks he’s a lawyer, like Wendy’s husband does, and he is so smart that he beat his first wife in court, he lost at first and took it to Appellate? court, on his own with no lawyer and won and she got nothing of his….at the time I found out I thought that she was a bad person and deserved what she got, but also talked to an ex GF of his and found many of his stories lies, so don’t know for sure now if he won or just states that to make others afraid to try, but I don’t have the money to fight him and since we were only married 2 years and together 5, I probably wouldn’t get much anyway, I just want out and he still won’t send me the papers to sign even after I told him I wouldn’t fight it….I don’t talk to him at all unless it is necessary, but for a couple months now I’ve just been waiting, and nothing since those first papers came in letting me know he had plans to divorce and I returned the paperwork stating I had received them, so I don’t know how long he can go before the court decides he changed his mind or what, but I am on his medical insurance thru the military, so figure I’m getting something so am not worried as long as he leaves me alone…if I push him it will just give him ammo to work with, so I am hoping he gets tired and bored and finally just sends me the papers! I hope Wendy can show the truth of her ex in court and win as they are good at fooling people and making you look bad, and I’d hate to see her end up looking like the bad guy in her situation, but he will do whatever he has to to make it seem as though he is to be pitied and make her out the villain. Good luck to you Wendy, stay strong!

  • Christina

    November 4, 2018 at 8:21 pm Reply

    Hi all! Did anyone on this blog EVER think they would be writing on this venue? Reaching out to other survivors of narcisist and sharing the insane stories? Not me! But, here I am! I’ve been “No contact” since last December. We ended things last summer but, it took me that long to begin to understand the narcissistic personality, the abuse and toxicity that it brought into my life. After him trying to come back and doing the hoovering dance..Told him I couldn’t allow him to abuse me anymore, he had been beyond horrendous to me.. then I blocked him on everything! Yes! Everything!

    Like many, “Prince Charming” was married. But, I didn’t know for the first almost two years. When I did find out, it was too late emotionally .. I was “ in love”… or so I thought! I believed him when he said it wasn’t a real marriage, he was separated and would be divorcing soon..I could go on but, I will skip details – 4 years later.. many lies, deceptions, gaslighting, 2 moves, I was a shell of my former self. Like many others stated, never, ever did I ever think I would be with a married person – but most of the time, i never really thought he was married! Not until the end, when the abuse ( emotionally, financially and somewhat physically- I have a disability and he had no empathy or compassion for my pain.)

    The past several months, I have taken the time to learn about narcissists and how one hijacked me! To all those just ending things or trying to- things get better. I’m by no means “ all healed”.. but, I’ve come a long way! The pain I felt, of someone whom I thought “ loved me”.. realizing that they never truly did! And the gaslighting! How mind f****g is that! The never ending broken promises – no consideration for how things effect you! Only lies and excuses given- while he still tries to “ string you along”… I’ve had some difficult things in my life, but, this, almost did me in… If it weren’t for two best friends, therapy and my belief in the good and positive .. I’m not sure where I would be!

    I think passing on what we learn to others is a must! Most people don’t understand how devastating these narcissistic connections can be! Talk about it! Explain to friends, family, etc.
    This venue by Zari is amazing, as is her book! The first book I ever read on the subject! Thank you Zari! We are all so grateful!
    ☮️💟

    • Zari Ballard

      November 9, 2018 at 4:30 pm Reply

      Hi Christina,

      Thank you for the kind words, girl:) Yes, recovery has to be a team effort. Only someone who has experienced this would ever understand so we have to stick together. Continue with your healing and find your true self again. Stay close to that support from family and friends because that is where you will find your strength. There’s no reason to ever go back…it simply is not sustainable. No one deserves to be held back from happiness:)

      Stay Strong & thank you for sharing!

      Zari:)

  • LittleFlower

    September 30, 2018 at 12:54 pm Reply

    HealingMySoul you are in the same position as my husband…a female psychopath/predator went after my husband in a diabolical way. Neither of us even knew that “people” like this existed. Covert manipulation and psychological warfare are more powerful than I would’ve ever believed. This was never about my husband, she wanted my life and the happiness and financial security that we have. Thankfully, we figured out what she was, and my husband’s therapist (Who specializes in abusive relationships) validates this…. otherwise our marriage may have ended. Truly, they are vile despicable excuses for human beings. It’s been 10 months since everything came to light…. it was excruciatingly painful for me but now, our marriage is better than ever! Just know that you are the same good person that you were before, this is not your fault!! Anyone can be manipulated. Also though, the only way is no contact, even if it means losing his wife’s friend

  • Lea Ann

    September 17, 2018 at 8:41 pm Reply

    Thank u so much for sharing Gemma… wow… my mind is reeling right now

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