Like any high school Baby Boomer in the late 70’s, I would have associated the term ‘narcissism’ with self-absorption and conceit…albeit on a very non-threatening level. In fact, the term “narcissist” was never used at all. While roaming hallways, we may have referred to certain people as being “conceited” or “vain” but only in hushed whispers. You see, at the time, only the best looking were deemed worthy of this depiction and even as we scoffed at the audacity of another person’s conceit, we were secretly fascinated and even envious of this very taboo personality trait. It’s just the way it was. The benign rendition of a “narcissist” as being some Greek mythological God obsessed with his own reflection was a silly little tale indeed…a myth perhaps written by narc educators themselves to create plausible deniability early on….a distraction taught to keep us naive and unprepared for the upcoming evolution of modern day evil. Oh, am I being overly dramatic? No…I think not.

Today, as we all know, the actual and true, modern day meaning of the word ‘narcissistic’ or ‘narcissism’ carries serious and quite evil connotations and narcissistic behaviors continually affect millions of people in a negative way. In the world of relationships, the very thought of narcissistic abuse, by its modern day meaning, can strike fear in the hearts of the average woman and man who understand such things. For those with experience, narcissism, as we know it now, is the stuff of nightmares.

But trying to expose this shit has been difficult over the last twenty years because the narcissists have been (and still are) IN CHARGE.

As the ex-partner of a narcissistic abuser, I turned lemons into lemonade in 2011 and made narcissism my business. Being a writer by trade, this was easy to do. I simply stopped suffering and started writing… first, a book (When Love Is a Lie, the anecdotal story of my experience), then, shortly thereafter, this 95-article blog and then four more books to follow. And the hundreds, if not thousands, of people (such as those who read this blog) that I have met or corresponded with along the journey have been, as the biggest bonus of all, second to none. I am so grateful.

But with my new business, came a new and much bigger obligation: I needed to learn the dynamics of the narcissistic personality inside and out to the point that I could predict it and give people a heads-up with my content.  This task has been tough as the narcissistic psyche always appears to be quick on the upgrade! The narcissists of today know that we know and like to stay updated on their own disorder so they can fine tune the behaviors.

Recently, a question came to me…

When exactly, and how exactly, did the term “narcissist” evolve from defining a non-threatening, self-absorbed and “conceited person” to defining  someone who is innately motivated – along a spectrum – to emotionally destroy, in a variety of very specific ways, the life of anyone with whom he or she engages? When did that happen??

Certainly, back in the day, no one perceived or considered the conceited little primpers that we knew and maybe even loved as having a disorder. That would have been ridiculous. These primpers were simply who they were and most were even likable or had the potential to be likable once we got to know them. But somewhere along the line this all changed and the benign characters we once knew with the taboo personality traits that seemed, at best, innocently quirky turned darker and more defective with each generation…and so began the evolution of modern day evil that we now know as the narcissistic personality and it was hiding amongst us in plain sight.

Unfortunately, and for reasons that I find mighty suspicious, the psychology books back then ignored this disorder and psychologists refused to diagnose or discuss it. As a result of this past professional negligence, victims of this unique style of emotional abuse, just fifteen short years ago, were shit out of luck. The evolving narcissist, on the other hand, was feeling damn lucky.

Even as late as 2012, there were only a few of us who dared to talk about the experience from the victim’s point of view which is why I wrote When Love Is a Lie. Now, of course, the bandwagon is full of people exposing and vilifying their own personal and professional narcs…and still the exposed narcissist can not be stopped.

MY THEORY is that the narcissist — who is nothing if not an opportunist — appears to have flown pretty much under the radar until around 9/11 and then, after that, with society still in a state of shock at this horrible event, the onslaught of bad behaviors began in those that held the narcissistic trait. I have thought long and hard about this timeline. These behaviors had always been there, of course, but MY THEORY is that we, as a people, were perhaps being not oblivious but rather too ‘happily distracted’ with life pre-9/11 to notice. Life was actually pretty good for my boomer generation in the 80’s and 90’s…hell, we were rocking out!! Many of us were involved with narcs and didn’t even know it. We thought these people were simply boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives behaving badly. So, when world tragedy struck around 9/11, the narcissist in our lives took advantage of our emotional vulnerability and struck hard and we didn’t see it coming. This is what narcs have been doing for decades – watching and waiting – and they’ve gotten better and better at it.

Narcissists could have cared less about 9/11 but what they did care about — and quite gleefully, I might add — was the fact that the emotions of normal people had turned to mush. This emotional fallout was completely understandable given the horrific event, but a narcissist will always take advantage by never letting a crisis go to waste. Piles of mush can not defend themselves. Governments and all people who hold positions of power and authority know this and use it to control populations. It is not a conspiracy, it is fact. We’ve seen it happen again and again at all levels of society.

Narcissists are wired for patience

In my mind, up until 2001, societal pressures, at least for Baby Boomers, were few and, for various reasons, partners of narcissists felt ‘carefree’ enough to be amused by the same behaviors that would later devastate. We were complacent and even complicit, choosing to look the other way, because life was, for the most part, fairly simple.

And during it all, our narcissistic partners were quietly predatory in nature, as if waiting on a catastrophe of sorts to tip the scales of opportunity in their favor. Yes, narcissists are wired for patience when it comes to crisis opportunity.

(To read my article “How Married Narcissists Play Their Victims” on Medium, click here)

After 2001, when those who were once carefree became anxious and vulnerable, it was the perfect storm. Anxious people can be easily controlled. It’s a strategy pulled right from the Narcissist’s Universal Playbook and used regularly, and quite openly, by the very people who create such world catastrophes: never let a good crisis go to waste…

[Humorous side note: As I am writing this, I’m having a a sheepish ‘a-ha’ moment. One of my ex’s ‘talents” was that he has a photographic memory for world history events including dates, times, places and characters. He was also quite good at predicting the behaviors of rouge nations…you can’t make this shit up. I encouraged him to become a history teacher but, of course, using his historical prowess for the better good wasn’t part of his plan. Little did I know. But I digress…]

So, post 9/11, the old definition of narcissism began to take on a new and much darker meaning. Online, people…mostly women at first…began to talk and compare stories. The truth was coming out. Terms like gas-lighting, silent treatments, and love-bombing began to surface. Narcissism was becoming an actual niche.

Clinical Confusion in the Trenches

Meanwhile, in the global arena, psychiatric professionals were scrambling for answers. Client after client, the stories were all but interchangeable and the narcissist, from his perch outside, deliberately and meticulously confused the issues with chameleon-like finesse. Psychologists refused to acknowledge the term “narcissist”, choosing instead to lump these emotional predators in with your average jerks.

In 2015, the American Journal of Psychiatry, in the article “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic & Clinical Challenges”, actually admitted the industry’s inability to understand:

“Diagnostic confusion surrounding narcissistic personality disorder reflects the disorder’s highly variable presentation…Individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder may be grandiose or self-loathing, an extrovert or socially isolated, or captains of industry or unable to maintain steady employment…Given this, it is far from self-evident what such individuals could have in common to justify a shared diagnosis.” (Caligor, Levy, & Yeomans, M.D.; Vol 172, Issue 5)”

In other words, studies concluded that the characteristics of this so-called ‘narcissistic personality’ were so diverse from person to person that it was impossible to make a definitive diagnosis that could be used across the board. Clearly, they missed the point.

Narcissists, by nature, are con artists and chameleons who behave in very specific, seemingly universal, ways. Hence, the Playbook analogy. They can be whomever they want or need to be in a moment’s notice. This is the core and con of the operation. The narcissist’s notorious lack of empathy and moral compass is often only recognizable to the recipient of the abuse. Outside of the relationship, narcissists can appear to be quite normal.

Medical professionals obviously were fooled and although the clinical understanding of the disorder has significantly improved, it still happens. Victims are still dismissed and even blamed for the suffering caused by narcissistic abuse. They are told that it is much ado about nothing and to look inward. I hear about it every day.

To a narcissist, every day, all day, it’s all about what he or she can get away with. It is who they are. It is what they do. And they are good at it.

Modern-day narcissism is cleverly disguised

Yes, the definition of narcissism has evolved. Of that, we can be sure. But there is still much work to do. Those with eyes to see recognize these perpetrators everywhere. They don’t just exist in our homes and bedrooms. In fact, the narcissists within our personal space are just reflections (pun intended) of a bigger picture.

Narcissism today exists at all levels of society, cleverly disguised. Narcissists mock us from the television set, the news room and the campaign trail. They teach and groom our children in the classrooms. They patrol our streets, run our churches and reside over courtrooms. And when they feel a lack of control, they will intentionally create world catastrophes and crises, to the extreme detriment of innocent people, just to gain it back.

COVID-19 is yet another confirmation of this phenomena and a perfect example of life imitating art. Narcissists, the masters of disguise and artificial faces, are, for the first time in history, encouraged by society to hide behind a literal ‘mask’ as they feign compassion for the sick and vulnerable. Truly amazing. Another crisis where narcissism is flourishing. This time, with permission.

But I digress again…

To be fair, we are, for the most part, not talking about serial killers and therefore, people might argue that compassion is warranted because of what must have occurred to make a narcissist behave in this manner. I do not buy into this.

Since narcissists are intelligent beings with the ability to think critically and given that many become successful and even powerful and have their own families, my own sympathy toward their plight is negligible.

Narcissists are simply so mean and deceitful that I really don’t care how they got that way. There…I said it. The narcissistic personality is as simple as it is complex.

And with millions of narcissists roaming the planet, knowledge, continued education, and ongoing discussions about the dynamics of narcissistic abuse will always be our best weaponry for keeping these opportunistic, emotional predators at bay.

Do you question whether your partner is a narcissist?
If you do, please feel free to contact me via my website. I would be happy to enlighten you.

This article is also available to read, along with other articles about narcissism, at Zari Ballard’s page on medium.com