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Narcissists, Holidays, & Dealing With the Christmas Grinch

narcissists-and-christmasThe narcissist will always be the Grinch that steals our Christmas.

With that said, I bet I could leave the rest of the page blank, letting you fill in the blanks! Yes, it’s that time of year again, friends! Readers who suffer the Holiday Discard will always understand what I’m talking about because narcissists and holidays never change. We’ve all felt the heartache of being abandoned and/or rejected over the holiday season by the one person – our narcissistic partner – that we yearned to celebrate it with. Typically, it happens over and over to the point that we don’t even expect this person to be around much past October or November. At least it was this way for me. My ex – the narcissist of my books – was the Grinch that stole my Christmas every year for 13-years.

narcissist-abuse-recovery-zari-ballardI won’t repeat my entire story because When Love Is a Lie says it all. What I will say is that the memory of those Christmases past is vivid even today. The N was present, of course, for our first holiday season but that was only because we got together in October and he had no choice. After all, the Idolize, love-bombing phase must go on. But after that, my narcissist would disappear every October and not return until – I kid you not – January 2nd. This isn’t to say that he didn’t think of me at Xmas. In 2010, ten days after I tearfully sent a Facebook message to the girl I suspected he was staying with, he was thoughtful enough to have me served with a restraining order at 8:00pm Xmas Eve night. My suspicions, obviously, were confirmed. My heart, obviously, was shattered in a million pieces.

So, why do they do it? Why is every narcissist the Grinch who steals not only our hearts but our holidays as well? Christmas comes but once a year…you’d think that even a narcissist could manage to stick around or at least be pleasant for those few days but they can’t. It’s not in their nature. With the possible exception of the very first Xmas of the relationship, the truth is that nothing and nobody is ever going to turn him into Santa. So, what does the narcissist do over the holidays, then, when he’s not with us? And if he is around for Xmas, why does he have to make it so miserable? I mean, what kind of person plans to ruin the holidays?! Although I can’t, of course, presume to know what every narcissist is thinking at Xmas, I believe it must have something to do with at least one or some combination of the following:

  • He’s a seasonal narcissist – meaning that he spends his holidays with someone else every year. This is, of course, refers to the vanishing narcissist. The Houdini of the Holidays. The pattern and the length of time he’s gone will always provide clues as to what he’s up to. Because my N consistently vanished from October until after New Years each year, I wasn’t stupid enough to think that he was really staying at his mom’s during that time as he would insist. He’d turn off his phone and/or change his cell number AND sometimes even move out of wherever he was living. I mean, he disappeared. In the early years, I was able to find him, but later on and towards the end, I had no clue where he was at. I only had suspicions. Towards the end, it occurred to me that it was quite possible that – even after all those years “together” – I was actually the other woman the whole time. Talk about an “a-ha” moment! The bottom line is that if your narcissist is a Holiday Houdini, you can safely assume that he is NOT alone and that when he returns, someone else is getting the silent treatment.
  • It’s too much responsibility. No narcissist wants personal responsibility, least of all at Christmas time. If there are children around, all the more reason for him to run for the hills or become sullen – even if the kids are his. The festivity of the season is simply too much and, besides, it’s not all about him. Even a narcissist knows that with certain celebratory events come certain expectations – expectations that he has no intention of filling. So, rather than wing it like a normal guy, a narcissist would rather act like a dick so that no one has a good time OR remove himself from the situation completely. It matters not that your heart will be broken or that you’ll have to explain his absence or surly demeanor to his/your children. A narcissist’s only concern is that he be able to  resurface with no repercussions. He’ll fully expect a post-Xmas pass for his bad behavior and then some hot post-Xmas make-up sex…and he usually gets what he wants. And if he’s been gone and the story of where he’s been sounds suspicious, refer above to bullet #1.
  • It’s not about him. Narcissists keep us busy day in and day out with one crisis after another…and it’s all about him. No matter what we’re doing, he wants us to be thinking about him and it doesn’t even have to be a positive thought. Negative thoughts work just fine and, in fact, actually work better because negative thoughts that go unresolved will always last longer than happy thoughts. The holiday season, because it automatically causes us to focus on family and friends and gifts and parties and trees and children, is a source of angst for every narcissist on this planet. For this reason, he will start a fight, opt out on presents, give you the silent treatment, go to Xmas parties without inviting you, triangulate, and cause general suspicion until your brain is consumed with figuring out what the hell is going on. The narcissist’s holiday chaos will last until the season is well over and all outside influences and commitments have faded away.

when-love-is-a-lieThe truth is that the narcissist is a year-long Grinch…he’s the Grinch who steals birthdays and holidays and anything that takes the focus off of him. He is a celebratory buzz kill and he plans all year to be the best buzz kill he can be.

This year, do not allow any narcissistic person to interfere with your celebration. For those who co-parent with a narcissist,  your job is more difficult. You will have to mask the anger and/or sadness for the sake of the children. You will have to make up for everything he lacks or doesn’t bring to the party but you will be the better person. For all others, if the narcissist in your life vanishes or refuses to cooperate in a civilized manner, do your own thing and cancel his invitation. Cross him off your Christmas list.

This year, participate in the holiday season as if it were your last one. Make memories with your children or your friends and family and fuck the narcissistic Grinch. We have no clue what life will serve us tomorrow and time is a’wastin. The narcissist only thrives when you suffer so begin to break free one small choice at a time. If you’re not together, commit to a holiday “no contact” like no other and follow-through.

Finally, remember that in two weeks, we get a new year, a fresh start and an empty canvas upon which to paint any fucking picture we please. Let’s make it good, my friends, because life is short. For 2017, paint yourself a masterpiece.

Much Love…

(Updated from 12/15/15)

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62 Comments

  • Lee

    December 15, 2015 at 8:07 pm Reply

    Ugh… I find this website so depressing. I’m not a narcissist, nor have I been in a relationship with one, but I have had the misfortune of having one destroy my life. At least I’m pretty sure he was a narcissist.

    I was in this relationship with a woman. She was pretty messed up from her terrible childhood. Her mother was a narcissist and emotionally tortured her during her childhood. She had a drug problem and low self confidence when I meet her.

    I worked really hard to help her get off drugs and turn her life around. She would always say she wanted to go to school and get her degree, and after a couple years of listening to that, and her doing nothing about it, I went to the University and got all the info on how to enroll. I payed her application fee, and payed her enrollment fee. Got her a computer.

    She was off drugs and doing well in school. I thought things were going to progress. Then I caught her cheating on me with a narcissistic POS! This guy actually borders on being a Sociopath. Has a criminal record a mile long: Theft, Fraud, Money Laundering, He assaulted one of his former girlfriend. I looked up his traffic tickets and found out he even parks in handicap zones!

    Now that I found all this out, and am pretty certain he is a narcissist. I want to try and talk some sense into her, but I see that all the women on here stayed with these dirt bags for years and years not matter how bad the treated them. I don’t know, I feel bad. I wish there was something I could do. I would like to ask you, how should one go about telling someone that you think they are in a relationship with a narcissist?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 21, 2015 at 11:11 pm Reply

      Hi Lee,

      I don’t know…that’s a hard one. I know it would have been impossible for me to “get it” until I was ready to get it. But you can try by giving her a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie or you can direct her to the website and to an article that resonates with her experience. Unfortunately, it takes time for a person to grasp what is happening. At first, we just think he’s an asshole but then we start noticing it’s all about patterns and passive-aggression. If you push the issue, she will think you are doing it because you want something more than friendship. I would hate for you to lose a friendship over it.

      Best to see it through and just be there to listen. When she starts really questioning the weirdness, then you can bring it up and it may spark her interest. Go with the flow of it and, believe me, his colors will shine through soon enough.

      Zari xo

  • Wendy

    December 15, 2015 at 4:13 pm Reply

    Thank you , this is very helpful, Zari! Everything I read and learn about Ns heals my heart a little more. I was only with him for a couple of months but he did a real number in me until he had safely lined up his next victim/s and then he finished with me by email and blocked all forms of contact with me. I was devastated as I had not a clue it was coming. Thank you for your supportive information and may all of us have a happier and healthier 2016!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 18, 2015 at 3:21 am Reply

      Thank you, Wendy…Recovery is a team effort:)

      Zari xo

  • Emily

    December 15, 2015 at 1:53 pm Reply

    Your articles are really great. My ex never had presents for me or the kids on Xmas and I always was hurt by that. I wasn’t sure if he was an N or just a jerk but by reading your posts it’s opened my eyes a lot. Its amazing to look back and remember how much I put up with and nice to know I’m not alone. It’s taken me a few years of divorcing and trying to raise children with an N to fully realize what you are saying in all of your posts.
    Nothing any of us can do will ever change these people. They don’t feel there is a problem. My ex is with the girl he cheated on me with still do this day and I often wonder if he acts the same way with her. Would love to hear your insights. They act like they are just the star crossed lovers that met under untoward circumstances but I have to believe he is doing to her what he did to me.

  • Same Boat

    December 15, 2015 at 11:28 am Reply

    I should have mentioned that his plea for a ‘second chance’ was actually his 4th chance.. in one year… so yeah, I’d been down that road before… I use to buy into it (he’s quite the salesman), except when the customer (me) is now all the wiser ! NO SALE this time! HA!!!

  • Same Boat

    December 15, 2015 at 11:23 am Reply

    Ah yes… Mine was really trying to play up how much fun we’ll have at Christmas this year ! We’re gonna get a tree, go shopping, listen to nostalgic music, go to light displays etc. “It’s going to be wonderful”! This was the conversation we had face to face while holding hands 30 minutes before I went home only to find him “logged in” on one of his ‘hook up accounts’. I couldn’t believe it (ok, wtf, yes I could). ugh. So I ditched the Grinch bullet and broke it off with him that very same night (just before Thanksgiving)! Yup, I didn’t waste any time! He hoovered and love bombed me BIG TIME a couple of weeks after that. Thankfully, do to this incredible site and Zari’s GREAT advise, I was FULLY prepared!!. None of his pleading for a second chance or his sudden discovering of how me he ‘really’ cares (or the pathetic love songs he attached) made an impact on me. No, instead I rolled my eyes and thought “OH BROTHER!” Let’s make no mistake, if I had not found this site, or had the info I now have, all that crap most likely WOULD have worked and I’d be right back at square one, thinking all that great stuff was actually going to happen, until the last minute when…. “What tree? I don’t want to get a tree!” “I hate crowds, you know that, I’m not going shopping” etc. etc. etc…. I’m not sure if he wouldn’t have disappeared completely or not (we were not together last year at this time), but he did need space days before my birthday! Then on HIS Bday (a month later, we were still ‘broken up’) he messaged me. What an ass. Anyway, I’m thrilled that I will be spending the holidays with my family and not with him!! Unlike the Grinch from the movie, I guarantee his heart WILL NOT grow 3 sizes that day!! 😉 Merry Christmas Everyone!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 20, 2015 at 2:09 am Reply

      Hi Same Boat,

      I love your post!!! I just friggin’ love it! Yes, you dodged the Grinch bullet and you rock:) Thank for sharing the journey – it’s enlightening, empowering, and inspirational. And I appreciate it.

      Go forth and have the best Christmas ever with REAL family and friends…

      Zari xoxoxox

      • Same boat

        December 20, 2015 at 11:28 am Reply

        Thank you Zari! Seriously, and this is NO EXAGGERATION: YOU SAVED MY LIFE! For REAL! This site, everyone’s stories, your books have been one of the most helpful and important tools of my entire life!!! My only regret is not finding you sooner! But hey, God, the Universe, the Angels… led me to you at the time that was meant and I am “so eternally grateful!!” There are times (quite often) when I think (and shudder) at where I would be right now (again) if it hadn’t been for you!!! Just this morning I had a nightmare of the ass. I woke up both upset and relieved. That IS NOT MY REALITY ANYMORE! PHEW! Getting out the woods has been a daily battle and it still lingers. The ‘end’ was not long ago, so I realize it will get even better in time. To those of you who feel you won’t recover, YOU WILL! Definitely talk to someone (how about Zari?) and other friends who understand! My sister was my sounding board. I took her to see Transiberian Orchestra the other night as part of my “thank you” for her hours and hours of listening to my woes and attempts to calm my anxiety. She was sucked in by a narc around the same time as me, but her story is much different… I won’t get into it, but luckily hers didn’t become what mine did. I’m ready for a NEW START! Here’s to a NARC FREE 2016!!!!!!!! <3

        • Zari Ballard

          December 20, 2015 at 4:15 pm Reply

          Hi Same Boat,

          You’re such a doll…I’m grateful you found me too:) And I’m glad you have your sister. It makes a world of difference to have a sounding board. I had to respond because I, too, had a nightmare about the N last night. It was weird and shook me up (for five seconds) until I realized the sun was shining, my door was still locked, and the book was already written. So I’ve got to share it…LOL The first 1/2 of the dream was peaceful enough with me hanging out with a girl that I’d just met. We were bar hopping and having fun and then, like dreams will, suddenly something changed. I’m not sure why but I started to get the idea that Wayne (my ex) was her new boyfriend and that this was a set-up. We were at an outside bar on a pier and she was chatting all happily and I was just looking at her when the thought came over me. She didn’t say it or even mention him but I just knew it. So, the second half of the dream was all about me being anxiety-ridden but trying to pretend I wasn’t as we continue partying on this pier but I felt that the moment was coming when I’d see him.,,that they had something planned for me. It was strange because she was doing all the talking and I was just thinking and, at one point, just by a look she gave me, it dawned on me that she knew that I knew. So, I’m looking around for an escape route and she grabs my arm, chattering nonsense but trying to keep me there. I know that he’s coming and I’m a wreck and she’s still in my face talking and out of the corner of my eye, I see this huge man-eating lion (right out of Natural Geographic) bounding down the pier and it’s him. He’s the lion. I pull away from her and I’m running down this pier where all these people are partying and paying no attention and the boardwalk is getting smaller and smaller and I can feel this lion) coming up on me…and then I woke up. What the heck does THAT mean???? Beware of lions on piers? Ha-ha

          Anyway, good for you this Xmas! I’m very proud of the progress you made and I know you’re going to do just fine:) Stick close to family and let no lions in, sister!

          Zari xoxoxo

          • Same boat

            December 20, 2015 at 9:14 pm

            Wow! That is quite the dream! Damn!! Yes, stay away from lions, vampires, aliens and monsters of all kinds! So, let me share mine then. I was walking with my N in a parking lot behind a building. We stopped for a second and I reached out to give him a hug. He pushed me away and asked “what are you doing?” I said “just want a hug” and gave me his usual disgusted look and said “you’re crazy”. Then two guys started fighting in the parking lot and he started to chase after them but they disappeared. There was this huge metal gate and as I was walking toward him he quickly started to close the gate door…to trap me in!!!! I yelled “OH NO YOU DON’T!” and ran through it right before it closed. Later that same day (still dream) he messaged me 4 photos of him and his new girlfriend. One was just her, two were of them together, and one was of their bare feet intertwined. I wrote back back saying “you think this is going to bother me, but it’s not!” and his response was “this could have been you (insert my name)”. Then I was at my work and it was soooo busy but I just couldn’t keep it together, I started crying in front of everyone! That’s when I woke up. Truth is I have not cried over him in more than a month and I won’t ever again! Happy Holidays to you and your son! PEACE TO ALL!! xo

          • Zari Ballard

            December 21, 2015 at 5:08 am

            Good Lord! The good news is that in both dreams, we made a run for it! Hallelujah! I’d say we have to analyze no further:)

            Zari xo

          • Zari Ballard

            December 21, 2015 at 5:08 am

            Good Lord! The good news is that in both dreams, we made a run for it! Hallelujah! I’d say we have to analyze no further:)

            Merry Xmas to you and your family as well!!!

            Zari xo

  • Dragica

    December 15, 2015 at 10:27 am Reply

    Oh well, what can I say. Mine broke off with me in the beginning of November and we confirmed our split-up in first week of December. He says he wants to stay with his GF for the sake of his kid. But I know this type of the guy – blowing cold and hot – he got very scared when he noticed I was getting REALLY attached to him emotionally so he cooled it down, but I was persistent and was tking things so far, that in the end he stopped playing his mind games with me and he disappeared for good. I know he already has some OW somewhere else banging, as he is not the type of the guy who could hold a dick in his pants.
    BTW, when we first met and flirted and took things to intimate level quite quickly, he didn’t tell me he was involved. And I was already head over heels in love with him, when he finally spilled the news that he also has a small child at home – kid was 10 months old when he told me. Such a great guy, isn’t he.
    After a while he confessed feelings for me too, only to play sick mind games and behaving like a pirck for another month and a half, trying to turn me into a friend with benefits and then ultimately just a friend who would do him all the deeds. He abused me, not just sexually, when he was using me for the exact kind of sex he wanted, but also for money and connections. Not to even mention that he tried to manipulate his way around so that I would become his coke dealer for VIP clients as I have access to many well know people with money. Which of course I refused. I have no criminal record and have no intetnion to have one, but boy, was this guy convincing… he is an ex-footbal player and utterly handsome, so no wonder I fell for his charm.
    And no doubt he is N, because I’ve read most of the stories here on the site and I found creepy similarities between him and other guys that other women described. He’s got all the traits: verbally charming, great looks and body, but pathological lier, deceiving and manipulating all the times, I swear to God he could tell me yesterday one story and next day the totally opposite – be it minor things or something trully important.
    I’ve never felt into a trap like this – he was like a spider, lurking for a victim (probably has more than just one), trying to suck out of me life and use me for every imaginable favor, be it sexually or otherwise.
    I know, I shoudl be glad I got rid of him – ultimately HE seemed to be the on that walked away – but still, my heart was broen badly and I shoudl have known better, I am 43 years old and he is 33… but I was desperate for a man, I hadn’t had sex for more than 8 years prior to meeting him and although I look good myself and I had a great career in the past, I seem to be naive when it comes to love matters and also I don’t have that kind of confidence that I usually wear as a mask in the public. He seems to literally have ‘smelled’ my vulnerability and took advantage of me. We women are such funny creatures. We would do anything just for the sake of feeling sexually attractive and alive and loved – and no matter how old are we, we sometimes fall a prey to ‘players’ and douchebags. I should regret nothing, it was a part of life experience, still, it hurts that my holidays will feel like a huge blank space.

  • Jennifer SG

    December 15, 2015 at 10:25 am Reply

    Howdy Zari! Gotta love your hideous picture of the Grinch! It is so like the Narc! Had to belly laugh and glad I can, because in previous years I would have had my stomach all tied up in knots and crying. Honestly, I am still very angry at all my wasted energy given to the narcissist, years thrown down the crapper, for nothing but a taker and liar and fraud. However, any holiday without them is glorious! I’m still not grateful for the narcissist and doubt I ever will be. It is healthy to be repelled from dangerous people. I nearly lost myself! This year, I am reflecting on all the non narcissists whom I love and the list is many. My heart is so grateful for them. Whenever you write that phrase “trying to figure out what the hell is going on” I also laugh out loud even though it wasn’t funny at the time. That is the perfect description of the entire relationship after the initial love bomb! Thank you for another wonderful, educational article! Love your work and I am grateful for you as well. Sorry you pissed so many years away as I did too!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 15, 2015 at 4:15 pm Reply

      Hi Jennifer SG,

      Thanks for writing and I’m glad to make you laugh! God knows we have to find some frigging humor in it. You know, when I was looking for the right image to put with the article, it took me awhile. I just couldn’t find what I wanted but I didn’t even know what I was looking for. So, eventually I came upon that Grinch pic and it’s so horrific, I was like “Yikes! That’s so creepy, it’s hard to look at!” and went to the next page. It took me about five seconds to realize “What am I doing? Hell yeah, it’s creepy – and it’s exactly the picture I’m looking for!”, so I went pack and saved it. It’s the narcissist through and through! Doesn’t get uglier than that.

      As far as I’m concerned, you NEVER have to be “grateful” for a narcissist. It IS healthy to be repelled from dangerous people and it’s this realization that helps us to recognize them (from here on out). I always say Be Mad, Not Sad because anger will get you through it a whole lot quicker. I get a lot of flack from others outside of this blog who don’t approve of that way of thinking…and you know what? I don’t care. They can work on forgiveness and understanding all they want…and while they’re doing that, we’ll already have moved on past the worst parts of the break-up pain. It works for me anyway:)

      Thanks again for writing and I’m grateful for YOU for stopping by:)

      Zari xo

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