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Narcissists & the Cell Phone Game

narcissist-cell-phone-gameNarcissists are experts when it comes to playing The Cell Phone Game. A narcissist uses the cell phone as a tool, a prop…a weapon, in fact…to conduct his evil and bring sadness and especially anxiety upon his victims. My ex was a master at The Cell Phone Game and I repeatedly called him on it, prompting him to play the game even harder and with more sinister intent. It took me a while but as the years passed and I caught on to the Game, I was able to predict his next move simply by watching how he interacted with his cell phone.

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During one three year stretch, my ex changed his cell number no less than fifteen times. His MO was to simply vanish while simultaneously letting his cell run out of minutes. The fact that suddenly (and for no apparent reason) I was simply cut off from all contact – sometimes for months – literally crushed my soul to the very core. Later, although he vehemently denied the connection, I became convinced that the number of times he cheated was directly related to the number of times he changed cell numbers. And although I never could prove this theory, I’m still convinced of it. In a weird sort of way, it was triangulation by cell phone. Sometimes he’d resurface with a newly reactivated old number (from years before) and sometimes even the old phone to go with it. I assume this twisted pathological strategy was to ensure a vaguely recognizable number when he hoovered but all I could envision was a big bag of disposable bat-phones that he simply reached into whenever he needed to cut me off or come back, depending on which bed he was headed to!

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Do not ever be fooled…..The Cell Phone Game is always a key component in a narcissist’s  pathological relationship agenda. A clever narcissist learns that he can use his cell phone as a tool for juggling multiple relationships and for keeping one relationship from ever really finding out about the other. Having a cell phone and knowing how to “use” it to his advantage allows a motivated narcissist to move seamlessly through life without the stress of multiple worlds colliding. He also understands that in a second it could backfire on him. My ex learned this lesson the hard way, giving me the one and only time that I was ever able to bust him red-handed.

After a two week silence, he had magically reappeared with a new number and ridiculous story in tow and I, of course, took him right to bed for some great make-up sex. Later, when his cell rang, instead of mysteriously ignoring it (like usual), he rolled over in bed and simply answered it, letting his guard down and completely forgetting the rules of the Game. Within seconds, he was getting an angry earful from the daughter of the girl he had obviously just cheated on me with. She was screaming at him on her mother’s behalf, demanding to know the reason he’d slipped out without a word just hours earlier…just up and left…apparently while her mom’s back was turned. Naked and lying right next to him, I could hear every word she said loud and clear and I flipped. It was a classic moment that marked the beginning of a very long summer where I did nothing but obsess the affair. For my ex, he became a cell phone Ninja, never again making such a careless mistake. From then on, it was war.

You see, a narcissistic partner succeeds at The Cell Phone Game by mastering all the various strategies by which he can play it and also by streamlining our codependency so that he gets away with it. But he can’t be careless or too cocky. Lucky for the N, victims, as a rule, are fairly easy to manipulate most of the time and, therefore, he can usually rely on the absurdity of his own words and actions to go unpunished. There were times when, for various stupid reasons, my ex would pretend to have no phone at all. In retrospect, I know that this was a narcissistic tactic and a lie and in fact he probably had multiple phones sitting at home (or in the trunk of his car) ringing off the hook. Truthfully, the multiple phone theory never even occurred to me until I accidentally overheard the narcissist quietly snicker while listening to a talk radio discussion about that very thing. I felt instantly sick but suddenly the absence of a phone or the fact that the phone he did have when with me never ever rang made perfect but horrible sense. When he pretended to have no phone, I could never decide which was worse – us having no means of contact at all or him using the only means of contact we did have as an evil weapon.

A narcissist is also very good at acting as if he isn’t particularly attached to his phone to distract you from the fact that he’s obsessed with it. For example, my ex would sometimes punish me for calling him out on The Cell Phone Game by smashing his phone to bits (whereby implementing “no communication”) as if replacing it over and over was simply no big deal. And he loved to say, “I don’t even know why I have a cell phone. You’re the only one that calls me.” Thanks and yeah, right…

Narcissists also like to “lose” their cell phones just long enough to do whatever it is they need to do behind you back…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my phone. Sometimes they’ll choose to keep the phone but “lose” the charger, conveniently rendering the phone “dead” just long enough to do whatever it is their doing…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my charger. And it doesn’t stop there because The Cell Phone Game always has another card to play….Did you call me? I don’t know why but the battery’s going out…Did you try to call me? Sorry, my minutes ran out.

Sound familiar? It’s nothing but narcissistic word garbage – all of it – and it’s intended to confuse, abuse, and manipulate you.

I imagine that before the cell phone, the Narcissist and his cousins Sociopath and Psychopath had a much harder life. They may have actually had to face their victims and admit the truth. The Cell Phone Game allows a narcissist to hide behind a nasty text or no text at all. He can subject a victim to silent treatments in the blink of an eye and the flip of a switch. He will Idolize, Devalue, and Discard you using nothing but text messages. And he’ll do it all from the comfort of his own home.

Keep in mind that the N is as simple as he is complicated and nothing about him or his evil agenda is rocket science. Once you figure out his strategies and see them for exactly what they are…ridiculous, ludicrous bullshit that no one deserves to be subjected to, you will start to wonder why you ever let it get that far. You will begin to let go of the narcissist in your life. You will be able to go No Contact and regain your sanity.

And you will begin to take your power back.

Stay strong, my friends!!

 

 

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94 Comments

  • Madonna

    July 19, 2015 at 12:53 pm Reply

    This article perfectly sums up the narcissist and his phone. The narc I was with did exactly all of this including turning off notification alerts so his phone was on but silent. I tested it in front of him by sending him a text. The phone sat silent but on. With his wallpaper picture still visible. His phone traumatised me. I hated it. How do you hate a phone? Easy. I hated hated his relationship with his phone and I hated the seemingly infinite amount of ways things could be hidden on it. I’m in the middle of a typical discard at the moment. But I’m so tired. Hoping I will uphold no contact this time.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 21, 2015 at 11:15 pm Reply

      Madonna wrote...His phone traumatized me. I hated it. How do you hate a phone? Easy. I hated hated his relationship with his phone and I hated the seemingly infinite amount of ways things could be hidden on it.

      Hi Madonna,

      Thanks for sharing and I “get it” all too well. For 13-years, the biggest triangulation in the relationship was between him, me, and his cell phone. We’d be in the same room, both browsing the internet on different computers and not paying attention to each other (him clutching his phone for dear life for fear of who knows) and every so often I’d send him a “How ya doin’?” text from one of the of those free text sites. Man-oh-man you should have seen him squirm. Of course, it didn’t ring out loud but it must have done something because he’d look down, wondering who the hell it was, his face getting all nervous, and I’d start a casual conversation about something and he’d barely be able to communicate! Sometimes I would do it over and over until I’d see him shut the phone off. HA-HA!! Other times he’d leave it in his car under the guise that he had to charge it and the car charger was the only charger that worked. I, of course, would sneak outside at some point and peek in his car window only to see his phone all lit up with 10 missed calls. Other times he would just not have it all or let it run out of minutes or change the number or any one of the things I describe in the article. It was awful.

      So how do you hate a phone? EASY!!! NARCISSISTS MAKE IT EASY! How crazy is that?? If you can, get my book When Love Is a Lie because I talk all about this and describe the craziness.

      Thanks for sharing. Stay strong and stay away from that fool! I’m here to support you.

      Zari xo

    • Beenplayed

      July 22, 2015 at 12:41 pm Reply

      Madonna,

      I feel your pain because I lived it for an entire year on and off. Keep reminding yourself of how miserable he makes you. It will be hard, but stay away from him as you will never be happy. In fact, it makes him happy to see you miserable. I hope you find the courage to walk away.

  • Yu know Who

    July 15, 2015 at 8:51 am Reply

    George is doing this to Erika Bachari as we speak / she will soon know his tricks/ I saw her call come in so many times when he was here spending the night. She hasn’t figured out she will
    never know where he is EVER. He will gaslight her to send into her pathetic silent treatments which she thinks hurts him but only sends him to my house . The endless future faking ( no divorce in process right now ) and the endless faking of his future monetary success will leave her in a perpetual state of waiting which devalues her self esteem to NOTHING. He bought 2 xmas trees in one week and made love in front of mine I know. I am on to the tricks now. I only wish she pitched in on the trips instead of pushing our last available credit card over the $10.000.00 limit at the Ft Lauderdale Tiki bar. Thanks Sweetie. He says your black eyeliner is trashy. And yur body turns him off but yu are cheap fuck. Let me but you a car as he never will / I can help you get the assistance yu need as he likes yu broke and needy so he can do what he wants. At this point he is after a rich Greek girl so you will soon be discarded as I was. Your hair is falling out. Get some help or call me/ I’m in the book under him still and is goes right into my cell. Had to get the proof as my daughter was convinced he was coming back and I told her he’s lying . Other than that I could care less. I needed to catch him in the act as he had her hopeful daddy was coming back and I had to show her proof he’s not well. Don’t flatter yourself that I’m a stalker.

    • Red

      September 4, 2015 at 12:59 am Reply

      It’s crazy. But I think I’m connected to the “George” just a few days ago I found in plane sight written in the dust on the shelf I frequently use. I heart Erica!!!! I confronted him and I got the usual run around…

  • Ella

    July 3, 2015 at 11:37 pm Reply

    May I ask why you’d remain with a man after such blatant disrespect especially considering you could go months without even seeing him. Like, there was not even a pretend relationship there. I think he made himself pretty obvious. What’s your accountability for staying with this bastard? Have you sought therapy?

    • Zari Ballard

      July 5, 2015 at 8:48 pm Reply

      Hi Ella,

      No, I didn’t seek therapy. I created a website and wrote several books so that I could help others in the same boat not make the same mistakes. Does that answer your question? Now, I’ve got a question for you that that’s far more pertinent – “Like”, what’s your accountability for coming to a support website and making judgment calls about a relationship dynamic that you obviously know nothing about based on, apparently, one article? If you make a judgement call about me on this website, then you’ve automatically made a judgment call about the hundreds of women and men who share similar stories here – and you simply don’t have a right to do that. Since you can’t relate to what any of us here have gone through, why even stay long enough to read?

      • Melanie

        July 13, 2015 at 3:53 pm Reply

        You’re response to this person’s post was, like, epic. I too once judged women who stayed in abusive relationships after the abuser had shown his true self many times….until I ended with a narc. “Normal” people who have never encountered this type of evil before have a hard time wrapping their minds around the fact that it exists and over and over again give the narc chance after chance. I liken it brainwashing, which, I suspect, it really is. After 15 years, I will be free on September 12. When I finally educated myself on what I was dealing with, I was able to detach and make plans for No Contact and start my life anew.

        Thanks for this site.It has been part of my “education package”.

        • Zari Ballard

          July 14, 2015 at 2:52 pm Reply

          Hi Melanie,

          Thanks for the back-up. We’ve all judged at one time or another, of course, but to seek out people to judge…that’s what pissed me off. I mean, why go out of your way, know what I mean? LOL

          I’m grateful that you found the site and always remember that you deserve to be happy!

          Zari xo

  • Almost free

    July 1, 2015 at 8:53 pm Reply

    Anyone know how I can get him evaluated in VA legal system? He’s a serious threat to my kids and I?! He WILL kill me when he gets the chance and there’s no witnesses in fear of exposure because I KNOW TOO MUCH!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 3, 2015 at 7:38 pm Reply

      Okay, I just looked up VA divorce laws and the deal, as you know, is that with children, you have to live apart for a year and you have to have grounds. I assume the grounds for your divorce is cruelty and adultery, right? Now as for this one year of separation NOT including any sex that may happen in between, how on earth would the courts know that or why would anyone volunteer the mistake or even admit to it? Those are the most archaic divorce laws in the country. If you had just a couple of kids with him, I would say pack your bags and run for it…seriously. But with six, there’s not much you can do but hopefully get as much money from him as possible.

      When you say “evaluated”, what do you want him evaluated for? You have protective orders so have your hand on the phone ready to call the cops each and every time. DO NOT allow him in the house. He shouldn’t even be allowed to see the kids but I know that’s nearly impossible. Is there anyone there – family or friends – who can help you or provide support?

      Zari xo

  • Deb

    April 19, 2015 at 11:44 pm Reply

    great article! I left the narcissistic relationship 2 years ago. I’m still in recovery. I tried so hard for a long time to leave. I didn’t ever have control in my relationship, but for the 1st 2years it appeared as though I had some control. Back handed comments, glares, sniggering. He had other women of course he did, don’t they all? At just 18 years old,our relationship began, he was 31, he lied about that until I became pregnant. We had 7 children together in our 10 year relationship. I didn’t even control that. When I left him, I was bombarded with threats of harm, he had to keep some attachment to me, so he wanted money from me to support his gambling lifestyle, refusal would often result in mind games that would last months… He never forgets even your slightest wrong doing! Your greatness is never rewarded, someone else is always better but your faults go unnoticed. I lost my 7 children, they took them off me because they said I couldn’t control the situation because we had split up and I couldn’t cope without him! He was my rock apparently and I was unstable without him. This “rock” spent all our money on gambling leaving me to fret and worry over how to feed children, this rock would punish me for even the slightest bad thing I done (this could mean leaving him without money to get a particular gambling bonus) of course he had bled me dry, but it is my fault he can’t gamble, it is my fault money doesn’t grow on trees, it is my fault he’s a gambler. Because I was never allowed out, I suffer agoraphobia, I have cbt session but I don’t have an issue with my thought pattern, I still grieve for my children and I am still broken from my ordeal. I am free to do whatever I want but they force us together once every 4 months to see the children, we must have it together because “the children need to see you can get along” but this just keeps him holding on, he still manipulated me and uses the situation for his own advantage. So full recovery isn’t possible because they won’t let me have that chance of no contact! What do I do? I’m in the uk and the justice system sucks!

    • poisoned rationality

      May 23, 2015 at 6:27 pm Reply

      Wow, all of your articles are right on and I am connecting to all that you say. My N doesn’t switch phones but plays games with the one she has, and of course the rules for the 2 of us are completely different.

      “I never got your text message, there must be something wrong with the system”

      “My phone died and I didn’t have a charger with me”

      “Oh, I forgot my phone and left it in the car overnight” (a recycled lie I witnessed her use on others)

      “There was no reception where I was”

      “Odd, my phone was with me, but I never heard it ring”

      The rules: my N never has to read, listen, or respond to any of my text messages, phone calls, or voice mails if she does not “feel like it”. But, it is expected of me to always answer if she calls, always respond to text messages within a few minutes. And if I call or text and there is no response from my N, if she finally gets around to calling me back or texting, then I am expected to respond immediately. And when I don’t, I am called out on it, always. “I called but you didn’t answer.” These comments always have the unsaid question of “what were you doing and why didn’t you answer me immediately? And she has admitted quite a few times that me not responding immediately infuriates her.

      • Beenplayed

        June 29, 2015 at 4:03 pm Reply

        I broke it off with my N a week ago. We dated for a year and I now realize that he was probably cheating the whole time. He would always keep his phone on silent/vibrate and would keep it face down always. He would also leave it “charging” in his truck and tried to make you believe that he wasn’t that attached to it. Meanwhile, he had a harem of women that he would inappropriately text with and I wasn’t allowed to see his conversations. He would occasionally flash the phone by me when I asked to see, but I was never able to look for more than a few seconds. These were all huge red flags and deep down I knew it, but he made me feel so good that was in denial.

        • Zari Ballard

          June 30, 2015 at 12:43 am Reply

          Hello Beenplayed,

          Wow…apparently, we dated the same guy. You just described my ex to a “T”….that cell phone was a constant point of contention with me for the simple reason that I knew it held the key to what he was really all about. All his Lies were tied up/connected to that phone and that’s how he played me. He actually triangulated me with his cell phone! We have to keep in mind that that kind of behavior is NOT normal under any circumstances – ever. Stick to No Contact and BLOCK THAT PHONE FROM BEING ABLE TO CALL OR TEXT YOU. Blocking is the necessary first step because if you don’t do it, you’ll always be – consciously or unconsciously – waiting for the “ding” of his text or looking for a missed call. He knows that and will use it to keep you in the queue.

          Stay strong!

          • Beenplayed

            June 30, 2015 at 9:28 pm

            Thanks Zari, for your support and helping me to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Your books have been a godsend. I too saw my relationship being played out in your books. Not only have I blocked his cell phone, I have also marked his email address as spam. Thank you again for helping me to think clearly amidst the confusion and regain my self-respect again.

          • Zari Ballard

            July 1, 2015 at 5:38 pm

            Hi Beenplayed,

            Your welcome…. and stay confident in the fact that you have absolutely made the right decision for yourself. Have no doubt about it. I’m here to support you:)

          • Zari Ballard

            July 1, 2015 at 5:39 pm

            Hi Beenplayed,

            Your welcome…. and stay confident in the fact that you have absolutely made the right decision for yourself. Have no doubt about it. I’m here to support you:)

        • stanley's gig expose

          January 31, 2016 at 12:57 am Reply

          1. “My battery was charging”.
          2. “I was sleeping, I couldn’t hear the phone”.
          3. “I forgot to pay my bill”.
          4. “Sometimes my bill is due at the beginning of the month (I don’t have money for to come and see you).”
          5. “I have to turn my phone off so it will charge”.
          6. “I fell asleep and just woke up”. (from someone who sleeps 3-5 hours) now it’s become 9)
          7. “I lost my phone”.
          8. “I was talking to one of either brother”. (text follows of detailed conversation although it seems quite lengthy).
          9. “I left my phone at home while I went out for a walk”. (he never leaves his phone anywhere)
          10. “I am not receiving text messages because the messages are full”
          (‘they are all from you’) I’ve only sent a couple dozen in multiple years.
          11. Make up your own.
          12. “I got the discounted rate because I don’t need email”.
          (3 years later, I tell him that my phone’s memory is filling up–could he email it? Oh sure, he said, he’ll try)
          13. “I am in bed with my phone in case you called”.

          He insisted one night that I look at the voice calls all from calling me and my calling him. No mention of texts.
          He got the texting phone after he started lying big time about old friends. Apparently he has been doing this for some time.
          I hope this helps someone out there. my compassion to you.

  • Angie

    February 26, 2015 at 5:13 pm Reply

    Zari,
    I loved your article, It’s only been a week since I left my N but the third time in less than a year that N has kicked me and my kids to the curb with no place to go. I am currently going through the cell phone game. N text me last night using my own words against me and simply said “My incoming texts are off, no need to reply”. It makes sense and it is tough at this point because of the time and things we have been together. I have never been dependent on a man and am a college educated woman able to take care of myself, a health care professional and I still can’t believe that I let myself fall into this type of abuse. Your story and others I have been reading are really helping get through the worst. I know my N well enough to know N will end up with a new cell number soon and will just contact me again later down the road, apologizing. This time I am wise enough to get help and design a plan to help not fall into his deadly trap once and for all. I wrote down all the horrible things N has said to me to remind me of what I do not want to go back through. N hasn’t worked in a year, I have been paying the rent, bills and food. Everything out of my pocket for both of our children. I work and go to school as well and N has said to my face that “everything I do doesn’t mean S***”, multiple threats to take me off the lease, tells me I don’t appreciate what he has done for me, cheated on me multiple times even impregnating me and his ex at the same time and tells me “him chosing me over his ex don’t mean anything”, constantly belittling my children, swearing in front of them like nothing and tells me in front of his kids that he will get rid of me real fast if I mistreat his kids in any way”. AHHHH I’m just glad to be out of there…..Need any advice I can get.
    Angie

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2015 at 2:11 am Reply

      Hi Angie,

      Thank you for writing and I apologize for the delay in responding. I seem to be saying that a lot lately as I try to catch up! You’ve been through the ringer, that’s for sure. As my article states, my ex was also a Master of The Cell Phone Game. I can’t even imagine what narcissists did BEFORE the cell phone, can you? If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie because I go into detail about my 13-years and you will likely relate to all of it. Yes, he went through something like ten number changes in three years or something ridiculous like that. It just about made me insane. Whenever he had to be some place else and really want me out of the picture, that’s what he would do. And then sure enough, a couple of months later, he’d show up with a new number. It’s nothing that any one of us should ever have to put up with.

      You must stay strong and stick to no contact. Give him a taste of his own medicine and BLOCK HIM from ever being able to contact you again. But do it, of course, with the intention of not ever dealing with him again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. And that’s the only reason it will ever be. For that alone, we should get a grip on the reality of the relationship and move on. Girl, you deserve to be happy and he will never ever be able to give you one teeny iota of happiness. It’s just not the person that he is.

      Stay strong and read the book if you can. And please…write here anytime. I’m here to support you.

      Zari xo

      • Ivy

        September 6, 2015 at 1:43 pm Reply

        Hi Zari,

        I dumped my narc a month ago after I (finally!) found solid proof he was cheating on me — from no other place than his cellphone! The same cellphone that tortured me for a VERY LONG TIME. I’ve gone no contact and plan to stay that way for the rest of my life, but I haven’t blocked him. That’s because he owes me a decent amount of money—that he’s promised and signed to pay back by the end of next month. I do really wanna block him and am thinking of unblocking him when his due date gets closer…but then I’m like hmm..maybe I should just block him as soon as I get my money so there’s no excuses for him to make something up until then.

        Any advice would be much appreciated! xx

        • Zari Ballard

          September 21, 2015 at 11:17 am Reply

          Hi Ivy,

          You’re assuming that your ex is going to pay you back on time even during no contact. This usually doesn’t happen. If he does, well good but don’t get your hopes up. Also, one of the excuses we always use to keep the lines of communication open is the fact that they owe us money so be aware of this. I’ve done it, a whole bunch of us here have done it. As soon as he misses the pay date and you have to hound him for the money the very first time, no contact goes down the tubes and he wins. Right now, I can see him hanging onto the money just to get you to break it so that he can create more havoc in your life.

          I’m not saying to forget about the money (although sometimes, depending on the amount, it’s better to just cut your losses)…I’m just saying to be aware of your own feelings and behaviors and reasons for keeping lines open. It’s very important.

          Good luck & stay strong!

          Zari xo

  • Di

    February 19, 2015 at 5:59 pm Reply

    Wow… My second go around because, I simply thought, I had a power that could bring out the best in him. This N has two cell phones, a work issued and a personal one, so when we were out, if he received a text message, he would look at it and then use the work issued to respond all while pretending his was reading and responding to emails from work, which I now believe was his interactions with dating websites, when he did his disappearing acts, I would text his personal line and he would respond with the job phone, I knew something was right and after a months break, both phones were ringing off the hook at all hours of the night. I so agree that the N can sit home an control his victims with little effor. it’s a sad thing that there are these kinds of people out there, although he said “He knows who he is” he also said he’s not changing, I once and still kind of feel sorry for him, even knowing he probably despices me, for confronting him on his issues. Here’s to hoping, I find enough compassion for myself to finally never reach out to him again. “He’s never reached out for me” It’s always me trying to be a friend…

    • Zari Ballard

      February 23, 2015 at 11:26 pm Reply

      Hi Di,

      Ah yes, the Cell Phone Game. Sounds like you and I had the best of the best when it came to that. Do not feel one ounce of guilt about calling him out on any of it…he deserved to be called out. Narcissists have a false sense of entitlement about what they feel they can do in this world and it is twisted indeed. They simply don’t care for anyone and they actually enjoy the suffering of others and “getting away” with things (anything!). It makes them feel alive while they officially destroy the psyches of those who care for them.

      Stay strong and put your happiness first! If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie (downloadable from Amazon) because it will change your perspective about what you just went through. You will see yourself on every page, girlfriend. I guarantee it.

      Zari xo

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