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Narcissists & the Cell Phone Game

narcissist-cell-phone-gameNarcissists are experts when it comes to playing The Cell Phone Game. A narcissist uses the cell phone as a tool, a prop…a weapon, in fact…to conduct his evil and bring sadness and especially anxiety upon his victims. My ex was a master at The Cell Phone Game and I repeatedly called him on it, prompting him to play the game even harder and with more sinister intent. It took me a while but as the years passed and I caught on to the Game, I was able to predict his next move simply by watching how he interacted with his cell phone.

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During one three year stretch, my ex changed his cell number no less than fifteen times. His MO was to simply vanish while simultaneously letting his cell run out of minutes. The fact that suddenly (and for no apparent reason) I was simply cut off from all contact – sometimes for months – literally crushed my soul to the very core. Later, although he vehemently denied the connection, I became convinced that the number of times he cheated was directly related to the number of times he changed cell numbers. And although I never could prove this theory, I’m still convinced of it. In a weird sort of way, it was triangulation by cell phone. Sometimes he’d resurface with a newly reactivated old number (from years before) and sometimes even the old phone to go with it. I assume this twisted pathological strategy was to ensure a vaguely recognizable number when he hoovered but all I could envision was a big bag of disposable bat-phones that he simply reached into whenever he needed to cut me off or come back, depending on which bed he was headed to!

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Do not ever be fooled…..The Cell Phone Game is always a key component in a narcissist’s  pathological relationship agenda. A clever narcissist learns that he can use his cell phone as a tool for juggling multiple relationships and for keeping one relationship from ever really finding out about the other. Having a cell phone and knowing how to “use” it to his advantage allows a motivated narcissist to move seamlessly through life without the stress of multiple worlds colliding. He also understands that in a second it could backfire on him. My ex learned this lesson the hard way, giving me the one and only time that I was ever able to bust him red-handed.

After a two week silence, he had magically reappeared with a new number and ridiculous story in tow and I, of course, took him right to bed for some great make-up sex. Later, when his cell rang, instead of mysteriously ignoring it (like usual), he rolled over in bed and simply answered it, letting his guard down and completely forgetting the rules of the Game. Within seconds, he was getting an angry earful from the daughter of the girl he had obviously just cheated on me with. She was screaming at him on her mother’s behalf, demanding to know the reason he’d slipped out without a word just hours earlier…just up and left…apparently while her mom’s back was turned. Naked and lying right next to him, I could hear every word she said loud and clear and I flipped. It was a classic moment that marked the beginning of a very long summer where I did nothing but obsess the affair. For my ex, he became a cell phone Ninja, never again making such a careless mistake. From then on, it was war.

You see, a narcissistic partner succeeds at The Cell Phone Game by mastering all the various strategies by which he can play it and also by streamlining our codependency so that he gets away with it. But he can’t be careless or too cocky. Lucky for the N, victims, as a rule, are fairly easy to manipulate most of the time and, therefore, he can usually rely on the absurdity of his own words and actions to go unpunished. There were times when, for various stupid reasons, my ex would pretend to have no phone at all. In retrospect, I know that this was a narcissistic tactic and a lie and in fact he probably had multiple phones sitting at home (or in the trunk of his car) ringing off the hook. Truthfully, the multiple phone theory never even occurred to me until I accidentally overheard the narcissist quietly snicker while listening to a talk radio discussion about that very thing. I felt instantly sick but suddenly the absence of a phone or the fact that the phone he did have when with me never ever rang made perfect but horrible sense. When he pretended to have no phone, I could never decide which was worse – us having no means of contact at all or him using the only means of contact we did have as an evil weapon.

A narcissist is also very good at acting as if he isn’t particularly attached to his phone to distract you from the fact that he’s obsessed with it. For example, my ex would sometimes punish me for calling him out on The Cell Phone Game by smashing his phone to bits (whereby implementing “no communication”) as if replacing it over and over was simply no big deal. And he loved to say, “I don’t even know why I have a cell phone. You’re the only one that calls me.” Thanks and yeah, right…

Narcissists also like to “lose” their cell phones just long enough to do whatever it is they need to do behind you back…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my phone. Sometimes they’ll choose to keep the phone but “lose” the charger, conveniently rendering the phone “dead” just long enough to do whatever it is their doing…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my charger. And it doesn’t stop there because The Cell Phone Game always has another card to play….Did you call me? I don’t know why but the battery’s going out…Did you try to call me? Sorry, my minutes ran out.

Sound familiar? It’s nothing but narcissistic word garbage – all of it – and it’s intended to confuse, abuse, and manipulate you.

I imagine that before the cell phone, the Narcissist and his cousins Sociopath and Psychopath had a much harder life. They may have actually had to face their victims and admit the truth. The Cell Phone Game allows a narcissist to hide behind a nasty text or no text at all. He can subject a victim to silent treatments in the blink of an eye and the flip of a switch. He will Idolize, Devalue, and Discard you using nothing but text messages. And he’ll do it all from the comfort of his own home.

Keep in mind that the N is as simple as he is complicated and nothing about him or his evil agenda is rocket science. Once you figure out his strategies and see them for exactly what they are…ridiculous, ludicrous bullshit that no one deserves to be subjected to, you will start to wonder why you ever let it get that far. You will begin to let go of the narcissist in your life. You will be able to go No Contact and regain your sanity.

And you will begin to take your power back.

Stay strong, my friends!!

 

 

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94 Comments

  • UKnow

    November 21, 2016 at 9:23 pm Reply

    Ah, had same thing. Girlfriend was very weird about her phone. It was kept very near her at her house, but never appeared when we out together. It disappeared at times in my presence at her house, the explanation being her daughter needed it at times as she had broken hers and was now monopolizing it. I didn’t even have the number for first two months of relationship, she said it was just for emergency and her kids school related msg’s.
    Didn’t think too much of it at first but then on one rare occasion she left in my vicinity at breakfast. As she had to shower quickly for meeting she forgot about – anyways, first thing I see lit up and staring back at me on table is msg to her ex telling him I had broken up with her weeks ago and it was all because of him! So she is using me in blatant lies and worse, triangulating me into her other hidden murky relationships. That was beginning of end for me, she actually didn’t even deny it, just said needed to do it get him off her back and she was tricking him to get him to supply her with weed!
    Seriously, that was her explanation. Up until then I was very naive, I had some nagging doubts about her honesty, but it was this incident that shocked me into realizing that she was shameless liar and I would be next in line for this kind of treatment. Later when I re-though our time together the penny dropped that there had been whole other scenarios going on the whole time, like a line up of people in a queue.
    Their phone use is big red flag – if clutched closely and very mysterious it is being used to juggle hidden relationships – run and don’t look back.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 24, 2016 at 8:04 pm Reply

      Hi UKnow,

      Yup….the Cell Phone Game..I remember it well. I would look at that phone (when he had it, of course, and I could catch a glimpse!) and feel so much angst and jealousy. It represented everything that I felt fearful of in the relationship! I get it, brother…I really do!

      Zari xo

  • C

    October 1, 2016 at 4:42 am Reply

    Thank you

  • CD

    September 25, 2016 at 6:25 pm Reply

    I feel like I”m dying inside after only 6 mos w/my narcissist. I was just recovering after separting from my husband who is also a narcissist (I can’t afford to divorce him). I had been on a dating site but hadn’t checked it in ages because of a kind of bad situation but nothing to this level, I was taking a break. Well I got a bunch of notifications / very persistant from him, and finally answered he was in his home state but coming down to mine in a couple of weeks. He messaged me on the way here and we started to talking everyday, he was so into me, said I was the “one” asked a ton of questions about me, blew me up, even then I held him at bay, we met and it was fireworks. Unbeliveable but also weird, there were red flag’s but I ignored them , he was obsessed with his ex the mother of his child who he said he broke up w/bc she cheated on him and was a crazy slut. Well to find out recently SHE broke up with him, which made sense to his obsession and anger. She filed a restraining order on him and barely contacts him, she blocks him and he doesn’t have her new number.

    He told me he was falling in love with me, and when a month later I told him I was feeling the same he started playing push pull games. To find out to he was on meth! It was insane, he went to the hospital from his mother callign who he lives with twice in one month last month. who was there to pick him up? dumb me. I fell pregnant during this time and at first he cared then he said he was going back to his home state, then he’d say he was staying, the week I got my abortion two weeks ago he came to stay with me and help me through it, but all he did was get high, ignore me, and /or mess with my head, told me I was crazy that I needed a therapist and that I was too “emotional”.

    It all came to a head at the end of the week when he was freaking out after being up for days and i was driving him to drop him off so his mom could get him, to get him away from me, he pulled my steering wheel two times and hit me in the car. There was a bunch of drama at a gas station where he told me he loved me a bunch and didn’t i love him, etc. I told him no, b/c you’ve gone crazy, you need help. He then ran off. I was done with him and left his stuff in front of the store, stupidly i drove down the street to find him and tell him where his stuff was b/c I didn’t want his stuff in my car, we came back and it was gone of course it was “all my fault for being so dumb” he did nothing, more drama ensued i drove off, he was missing for about 3 days. I spoke with his mom who was looking for him, she located him in bad pysical shape of course, and blamed it all on his “anxiety” i told her what he was really doing.

    Stupidly I felt sorry for him and still spoke to him for a couple of days, where he berated me for his stuff, said he wanted to kill himself b/c his stuff was gone, etc., etc. I said that my mind was blown that he hadn’t even apologized for what he did to me, he said he barely remembers what he did, whatever. For some reason I looked his username up on the dating app we met on to see he was active on there! Even after his week of insanity and drug problems, lost his job, but still trolling for women! I had a friend message him on there and he responsded very intersted saying he hadn’t had sex in the 6 mos he’s been down here and didn’t have a gf! I was livid. I called him and acted normal didn’t mention it. listened to him whine about how bad he has it, etc. acted sympathatic. I asked him why he told me he loved me those times that day, he said “I llove you” and then in a very low voice said “but I’m not in love with You” I said “I don’t care anymore” and he said smiling you could hear it through the phone” YES You do!” and kind of snickered .

    Much later that am next day after going out with someone to get my mind off of my hell I texted him that I knew what was up with the dating site, and sent him a barrage of texts tellling him how I really felt about him at this point, what loser he is, liar, bad person, etc. He told me to leave him alone, and if he was such a bad person why am i texting him. Later I sent a pic of me with that guy b/c I was SO enraged with him and also myself and wanted to hurt him and said “enjoy” he texted back “what’s this?” I didn’t reply.

    Later he texts “well whatever” I didn’t reply
    then he text “well now I feel like getting laid, I guess I will have to now”

    I haven’t replied and wont’ it’s been 4 days. And for some sick reason I miss him. What is wrong with me? I was so strong before I met him, I don’t understand what I let this guy do to me. I’ve met a great guy but feel dead inside.

    I truely hate him. I

    • Zari Ballard

      September 27, 2016 at 3:35 pm Reply

      Hi CD,

      Everything emotional phase of the break-up that you describe is exactly what most of us – and that includes me – have gone through with our ex narc. Mine, too, was into meth and I even dabbled in the beginning but then he went off the rails. He’d be up for days while I slept, went to work, tried to be semi-normal. Of course, everything was my fault. He also drank which was worse in so many ways. Anyway, the scene at the gas station, the ridiculous texting, the push/pull, trying to date a nice guy but feeling dead inside, missing him even though he is so very bad…it’s all there in my life!

      Please stick to no contact. Block his number so that he can’t call you even if he wants to. This “bad” is as good as he’s ever going to get. Six months seems like forever but if you go back, the next thing you know 13-years will have passed (my story!). It goes by in the blink of an eye. Learn from MY mistakes. You can get through this but you have to be diligent in your efforts. The game for him will just never get old and it’s all about what he can get away with.

      The story about his wife cheating…I’m sure you know by now it didn’t happen as he said. I have no doubt he cheated on her and made her life a living hell just like he is making yours. In a narcs life, EVERYONE is treated the same. His ex, though, is doing EXACTLY as you should be doing…blocking and NO CONTACT. Even the most minimal communication (i.e. a three-word text every once in awhile) will keep you in his queue and this is how he will string you along until the end of time. This is what he does. This is who he is.

      Please continue to read here – there are over 75 articles within this website alone and I tried to cover all the topics. Get out now while its only been six months. He simply isn’t worth the trouble. I do provide phone consultations and you can always reach me here as well. I’m rooting for you!!

      Stay strong,

      Zari xo

      • Brandy

        October 19, 2016 at 8:36 pm Reply

        I am just getting away from my nightmare. These articles have truly helped me to see a narcissists true self. I guess I was always in denial. Nearly 7 years with this @sshole. How could I be so naive? Well, I appreciate the ladies stories and hope the word keeps getting out. I always thought it was my fault but, now realize it wasn’t.

        • Zari Ballard

          October 23, 2016 at 10:53 pm Reply

          No it sure wasn’t your fault, Brandy. And it’s not about being naive…it’s about you being NORMAL and him being a CON MAN. We always want to believe the one that we love…that he is, in fact, telling us the truth. People get fooled. Narcissists are really good at what they do or they wouldn’t be who they are. That’s all, girl. YOU were never the problem:)

          Zari xo

  • Vek Lewis

    August 24, 2016 at 4:12 am Reply

    I am stunned at just how much of this rings true… from my immediate experience. They’re such aliens but all the schemes and scenarios are identical.

  • Claire

    May 19, 2016 at 2:56 pm Reply

    One thing my narc used to do in front of me was to look at his messages. as I couldn’t see the message across the room I would watch his facial expression and he would act as if reading some really loving text that meant something to him. this would provoke me to say hey who’s texting you and he would reply With some meaningless comment. it later dawned on me that this was one of his narc games to keep me hooked into watching him And he would enjoy seeing my concern and questioning about the msg. After 5 years of it it dawned on me what He was actually doing was playing his little games so then I decided to Leave him to his msg from women and always left the room to kept busy which pissed him off more cos he couldn’t do it to me, the other day he came round to do some y’know hoovering and he did it again in front of me catching me out since I don’t spend time around him nowadays with the look of love reading his msg In front of me. It could have been a text from his phone provider telling him how much credit he’s got left for all I know but he sure did play out The role . How lucky was I but it didn’t fool me one bit

  • Willow

    May 18, 2016 at 7:09 am Reply

    Hi! I experienced the phone game also. I started figuring him out towards the end. He thought that he could continue his mind games and cheat etc. I really didn’t realize just how truly sick he was before I caught him. He uses women for attention, money, and sex. Then he abuses them so he can manipulate them.

  • Loretta Gallegos

    May 12, 2016 at 8:06 pm Reply

    Thank you…….I knew there was an obsession with his phone. Your article hit home.
    I finally let him go after 7,8 break ups. They always get busted though.
    Your articles really help me when I’m sad and start missing the good times.
    I’m really done. No turning back. Finally free.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 14, 2016 at 1:57 am Reply

      Hi Loretta,

      Glad I could help and I’m glad you’re free! Rock on, girl:)

      Zari xo

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