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Narcissists & the Cell Phone Game

narcissist-cell-phone-gameNarcissists are experts when it comes to playing The Cell Phone Game. A narcissist uses the cell phone as a tool, a prop…a weapon, in fact…to conduct his evil and bring sadness and especially anxiety upon his victims. My ex was a master at The Cell Phone Game and I repeatedly called him on it, prompting him to play the game even harder and with more sinister intent. It took me a while but as the years passed and I caught on to the Game, I was able to predict his next move simply by watching how he interacted with his cell phone.

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During one three year stretch, my ex changed his cell number no less than fifteen times. His MO was to simply vanish while simultaneously letting his cell run out of minutes. The fact that suddenly (and for no apparent reason) I was simply cut off from all contact – sometimes for months – literally crushed my soul to the very core. Later, although he vehemently denied the connection, I became convinced that the number of times he cheated was directly related to the number of times he changed cell numbers. And although I never could prove this theory, I’m still convinced of it. In a weird sort of way, it was triangulation by cell phone. Sometimes he’d resurface with a newly reactivated old number (from years before) and sometimes even the old phone to go with it. I assume this twisted pathological strategy was to ensure a vaguely recognizable number when he hoovered but all I could envision was a big bag of disposable bat-phones that he simply reached into whenever he needed to cut me off or come back, depending on which bed he was headed to!

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Do not ever be fooled…..The Cell Phone Game is always a key component in a narcissist’s  pathological relationship agenda. A clever narcissist learns that he can use his cell phone as a tool for juggling multiple relationships and for keeping one relationship from ever really finding out about the other. Having a cell phone and knowing how to “use” it to his advantage allows a motivated narcissist to move seamlessly through life without the stress of multiple worlds colliding. He also understands that in a second it could backfire on him. My ex learned this lesson the hard way, giving me the one and only time that I was ever able to bust him red-handed.

After a two week silence, he had magically reappeared with a new number and ridiculous story in tow and I, of course, took him right to bed for some great make-up sex. Later, when his cell rang, instead of mysteriously ignoring it (like usual), he rolled over in bed and simply answered it, letting his guard down and completely forgetting the rules of the Game. Within seconds, he was getting an angry earful from the daughter of the girl he had obviously just cheated on me with. She was screaming at him on her mother’s behalf, demanding to know the reason he’d slipped out without a word just hours earlier…just up and left…apparently while her mom’s back was turned. Naked and lying right next to him, I could hear every word she said loud and clear and I flipped. It was a classic moment that marked the beginning of a very long summer where I did nothing but obsess the affair. For my ex, he became a cell phone Ninja, never again making such a careless mistake. From then on, it was war.

You see, a narcissistic partner succeeds at The Cell Phone Game by mastering all the various strategies by which he can play it and also by streamlining our codependency so that he gets away with it. But he can’t be careless or too cocky. Lucky for the N, victims, as a rule, are fairly easy to manipulate most of the time and, therefore, he can usually rely on the absurdity of his own words and actions to go unpunished. There were times when, for various stupid reasons, my ex would pretend to have no phone at all. In retrospect, I know that this was a narcissistic tactic and a lie and in fact he probably had multiple phones sitting at home (or in the trunk of his car) ringing off the hook. Truthfully, the multiple phone theory never even occurred to me until I accidentally overheard the narcissist quietly snicker while listening to a talk radio discussion about that very thing. I felt instantly sick but suddenly the absence of a phone or the fact that the phone he did have when with me never ever rang made perfect but horrible sense. When he pretended to have no phone, I could never decide which was worse – us having no means of contact at all or him using the only means of contact we did have as an evil weapon.

A narcissist is also very good at acting as if he isn’t particularly attached to his phone to distract you from the fact that he’s obsessed with it. For example, my ex would sometimes punish me for calling him out on The Cell Phone Game by smashing his phone to bits (whereby implementing “no communication”) as if replacing it over and over was simply no big deal. And he loved to say, “I don’t even know why I have a cell phone. You’re the only one that calls me.” Thanks and yeah, right…

Narcissists also like to “lose” their cell phones just long enough to do whatever it is they need to do behind you back…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my phone. Sometimes they’ll choose to keep the phone but “lose” the charger, conveniently rendering the phone “dead” just long enough to do whatever it is their doing…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my charger. And it doesn’t stop there because The Cell Phone Game always has another card to play….Did you call me? I don’t know why but the battery’s going out…Did you try to call me? Sorry, my minutes ran out.

Sound familiar? It’s nothing but narcissistic word garbage – all of it – and it’s intended to confuse, abuse, and manipulate you.

I imagine that before the cell phone, the Narcissist and his cousins Sociopath and Psychopath had a much harder life. They may have actually had to face their victims and admit the truth. The Cell Phone Game allows a narcissist to hide behind a nasty text or no text at all. He can subject a victim to silent treatments in the blink of an eye and the flip of a switch. He will Idolize, Devalue, and Discard you using nothing but text messages. And he’ll do it all from the comfort of his own home.

Keep in mind that the N is as simple as he is complicated and nothing about him or his evil agenda is rocket science. Once you figure out his strategies and see them for exactly what they are…ridiculous, ludicrous bullshit that no one deserves to be subjected to, you will start to wonder why you ever let it get that far. You will begin to let go of the narcissist in your life. You will be able to go No Contact and regain your sanity.

And you will begin to take your power back.

Stay strong, my friends!!

 

 

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94 Comments

  • Mary

    July 11, 2017 at 3:46 am Reply

    Ok, here is my story. It’s kinda graphic. I don’t know if the man I had an affair with is a narcissist. He was a co-worker that I never really knew. Fast forward 10 years he pops up on FB asking why we never had any meaningful conversations. I told him I was married and loved my husband. Didn’t hear from him for a few weeks then he came back and turned on the charm. And boy did I fall for it. He had just got stationed in Korea. He talked me into downloading Viber and talked me through how to use it. Importantly how to delete things. Our chats went on for months. At one point he sent me money to buy him a sports watch. Why he didn’t ask his family or friends to do it I don’t know. Then he started turning it sexual. Started sending pictures of his penis and telling me he wanted full nudes from me showing my face. I’m dumb, I did it. We talked about sex and he asked if my husband was good in bed. I said yes and he told me he was better. He said we should hook up. Well as he was on the other side of the world I didn’t see any harm agreeing with him. Then one day I got a text saying he would be here in two days. I was paniced. I felt trapped. He showed up and I met him in his car. We talked for a couple of minutes. He was charming. Then he grabbed me and pulled me on his lap. We had sex for less than a minute and he went limp. He moved me and masterbated for a few minutes then we tried again but a cop car drove by and that ended it. A few days later he asked me to go to his hotel room. He had come with his daughter (he’s divorced) so he had rented a separate room. I went. I wasn’t in the room for more than a few minutes when he grabbed me and started taking off my clothes. Said his daughter thought he had gone for a run and he seemed in a hurry. He wanted sexual acts we had talked about. He wanted oral but I couldn’t cause it smelled so bad. Then he seemed to get a bit angry. So we had sex. No forplay. After a minute or two he went limp and had to masterbate. Tried it again then just quit, got up and said he had to leave. I felt used. I felt like a cheap whore. A couple of weeks later he texted and asked how he was. I just couldn’t tell him he sucked. So I said good. He then started bragging about how he tore it up. Texted for a few more months then he wanted video chat. He instructed me how to do it. Told me to take my clothes off and talk dirty. He them masterbated. I felt so cheap. Months later he came back from Korea and showed up again. This time I went there to end it. He was drunk and make me sit while he watched a basket ball game. I tried but I was just to scared to say anything. He started removing my clothes and I said stop but he didn’t. He went limp 3 times and did his masterbation thing. I was dry and it hurt. Then he just got up and went into the bathroom for ten minutes. He came out and said “how was it”? I said I have had better. He got a bit angry and said “you know it was good”. I went in the bathroom for 20 minutes before the pain went away. I felt like a whore. I came out and he ignored me. Like nothing happened. So I went home. Same thing a week later. “How was I”? I said good and he bragged about it. I so wanted to end it. But he had my pictures, text messages and knew all my friends. For months he texted demanding pictures. Everytime i posted something on Facebook about how I loved my husband he would pop up damanding naked pictures. Even on my anniversary. If I said no, he would say “boo!” and hound me till I gave in. And they got worse. He started asking me to insert things. It was like he had to be in control. The pictures were humiliating. His texts were humiliating. The charm wasn’t there anymore. Then I got caught. He said “hope you work it out, take care”. This lasted almost two years. And I was so happy to get caught to get rid of him. But you know after two years I knew nothing about him. Nothing. I didn’t even know where he lived. He would say Texas, Virginia, Delaware. He did say he had a girlfriend but I don’t know if that is true. I feel so bad for doing this. I’ve hurt my family. I have humiliated myself. And I don’t really know what kind of a man he was except a controlling bastard. Does this sound like a narcissist?

    • Zari Ballard

      July 14, 2017 at 5:57 pm Reply

      Hi Mary,

      I don’t know if he’s a narc or not but who cares? He’s a creep and a weirdo, that’s for sure, and as soon as you mentioned that he “smelled” and basically blackmailed you (“Boo!”) for pictures, that did it for me! You don’t need a label to confirm what you already know to be true and, sorry, but you know all that you need to know about this gross controlling creature. Yikes! I hope you have saved your family…you don’t explained what happened there but I hope that you did. Don’t feel humiliated…consider it a lesson learned, forgive yourself and go forward. You can’t take it back and self-blame after the fact is non-productive in my eyes. I wish you happiness, sister….

      Zari xo

  • Nate

    June 27, 2017 at 8:40 pm Reply

    I recently was dumped by the girl of my dreams as she left me for a narcissistic, loser who has no job, a history of drug use and a huge criminal record. This young lady and I started dating a few weeks after she had left an abusive/narcissistic guy who she was living with for the past 3 years. She told me when we were dating that she seems to attract these types of guys. Things were going great with her and I but it suddenly ended the day after we became physically intimate. This came as a huge shock to me because everything seemed to be going great and we both expressed our fondness of each other and enjoyed ourselves. She was also dating a new narcissist guy a little before I started seeing her. I am not sure what happened but basically she went full throttle with this guy and left me high and dry with no real explanation. I was told be her brother that she shares everything with the new narcissist guy and there is nothing I can do as long as he is in the picture. He is a complete loser, even recently just came out of jail and she has such low self esteem that she cannot get out of the cycle. I am a regular, responsible, guy who is honest and wants a bright future with a young lady worthy of it. She is so sweet and kind and very pretty, I have known her all my life also and really took this situation hard. I am not sure what to do, my heart is worried that she will stay with the new guy for some time and I can’t keep my heart open. I know things where going good with her and I; her brother told me that she admitted to him that she was developing feelings for me and she had a great time while we dated. I’m pretty sure the new narcissist did everything in his power to make me look like the bad guy. This girls brother told me that the narcissist suggested calling the police on me because of having sex with this girl even though we were dating for 3-4 weeks and it was consensual. My question is, is there anything I can do at this point? I really want to confront her and “wake her up” but I’m pretty sure that is useless. I have been giving her space and not contacted her for almost two weeks and only once per week before that, she never responded. I even sent her a card apologizing if I hurt her in any way since I was left to try to make sense of all this. What to do? For the past year, the guy has been consistently arrested about every 2 months. Her brother let me know that he had a huge criminal record. *Also, this young lady is a recovered drug addict and this new guy has a history of drug use so I am really worried she would get back into drug using. She was doing so well and had such a good perspective on things and was ready to improve her life but then this happened. She was at an extra low point because of losing her job recently due to an injury and breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years and moving back in with her mother. What to do? I really did feel a connection with this young lady, I know I can’t save her but I know she would be so much better off with me (or someone like me) who is willing to truly love her.

    • Diane

      March 3, 2018 at 4:43 pm Reply

      Hi Nate People do what they want to do. Save your energy for someone who can reciprocate …you deserve no less.

  • Michelle

    December 26, 2016 at 10:24 am Reply

    Hello Zari, I really need to speak to you. I am trying to end a 5 month relationship with a man who is definitely a textbook narcissist. It’s so hard for me because I didon’t fall in love with him. I finally caught him red handed cheating last night. Christmas night. He was giving me the silent treatment and then he called me whIle i was at a Christmas gathering. He had been giving me the silent treatment since the Friday before Christmas because we got into an argument. He was totally in the wrong. I finally busted him and now I’m super hurt. Like hurt beyond measure. Because I actually thought that he could possibly be the one that I would or could end up being with. He hid who he truly was for the entire 4 in a half months. I hav never met anyone like him so I was on baffled answer confused about his behavior. It wasn’t until here recently that I decided to research his behavior because it was so abnormal and hurtful to me.

    • Marj

      February 3, 2018 at 6:28 am Reply

      All sounds familiar to me.. i was stuck for 6yrs. It was very hard to.. i cried an ocean! I was blind and everything.. fight so hard to keep a unworthy relationship. But people, your the only one who can help yourself. Once you realized your worth, there is no turning back. I am so glad i was able to run with this feelings.. stress free, worry free.. and more time for myseld.. specially to love yourself.

  • Michelle Bachmeier

    December 20, 2016 at 2:33 pm Reply

    I have just had my “aha” moment, unfortunately, my best friend has been taking care of his needs once I confided in her how I discovered his “dating websites”. I heard it all. When I was able to absorb the website activities, he denied. Until I told him I printed copies, and I had to tell him several times before he would admit. Then it was, ” it was only checking thing things out. Nothing physical….. “. And that would have went to the grave with him also, but just like the guy that commented about the phone games, “they’re as simple as they are complicates”. Or to that reference. I initially started to comment that you are NOT ALONE. I AM HAVING ONE HELL OF A TIME, knowing what I know after so much research attempting to be as strong as I once was also, it feels nearly impossible! I am reading your story and I can mimic the words EXACTLY, OMG…….and THEN the breakdown of having to go get laid himself now. Sniffle sniffle. Dear God, have MERCY. I HEAR AND I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I don’t know how I’m gonna get thru it but, DAMMT, I AM GOING TO DO IT! I , AND YOU, DESERVE A BETTER LIFE. I/we have so much kindness to offer and deserve our self respect back. I hurt, myself, knowing I am only hurting myself and I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. I guess it’s the letting go of the vision of a dream of being married to my best friend forever. I know what he’s NOT(he’ll, he just screwed by best friend for months!)! They are monsters. He took my vehicle and every red scent(AGAIN!), and has the blessing of his lonely mother and comfort of his childhood bed to sleep in-when he sleeps. Ahhhhhh….. 12 years gone…. Nice work, “Mom”

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2016 at 7:34 pm Reply

      Hi Michelle,

      A narcissist will never admit to anything, even with the evidence laid out before him. In the end, WE HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT IN THE TRUTH THAT WE KNOW. When you get the evidence, run away, dump him. Don’t wait for or listen to excuses. There is just no purpose to it. We already KNOW the truth…we’ve ALWAYS known it. We keep hoping that something that we say or show them will break through the narcissist’s stone cold wall but it simply never will. This is a FACT and, as sad as it is, we have to leave or he will keep us in the game until the end of time.

      Zari xo

  • Kelli Carper

    December 15, 2016 at 4:23 pm Reply

    I don’t know where to begin !! My mind is going a mile a minute I got 2 year old twin boys on every part of my body demanding attention and can’t ever be satisfied. Actually I’m a single mother of four who just can’t seem to catch a break from my thoughts and overwhelming feelings of depression I try n hide because I have to be a strong role model for my kids, but right now I feel like just dying and it’s all because I’m in love with the biggest narcissist known to man kind who is also the father of my twins and 10 years younger then me . The story is so long I don’t know if there’s enough space to write it out …so, I met him 4 years ago flirted talked really enjoyed him he took my goodies first red flag but I didn’t know if he felt led on so I over looked it didn’t talk to him for a week talked again n my life hadn’t been the same since … he lived with me a week or two after meeting said he had an ex he was still good friends with she lives away he would visit her n her visit him while telling me they are just friends as well as him and I are ..dummy me…to back it up more he had 2 small children at the time I encouraged him to get the was weary at first blaming the boys mom saying she wouldn’t let him see them..long story short 2 new children were added to my family I had 2 as well at the time..so moving forward 8 months pass I’m not feeling being his friend nor his friendship with this girl …then I find out I’m pregnant with my twins …now all the side n I’m ruining his life the girl comes out of no where to live with him n that was his girlfriend the entire time 5 or 6 years at that time ..he left me alone n pregnant I prayed everyday for his return n I got it about 5 months into my pregnancy ..she still lived here n he would visit while she was at work . Not a very woman thing of me to do but I was already so in love n preg. He wasn’t at the birth of my twins ..she “caught” us n moved back to where she was n by this time she’s pregnant with their first child did I mention his older kids are by a different woman he cheated on this same girl those years ago ..he lived with me again things were ok but his ways were killing me so I kicked him out only to beg to b around him again he blames me for ruining his life the cell phone game omg yes …ignores me comes n goes as he pleases calls me crazy we even put our hands on each other reading blogs n people who are going thru the same are helping a little I pray but am tired of the same prayer God prob is too ..im so unhappy with myself for allowing this to happen to me but my children too I was beat n almost killed in my last relationship before this ass how do I love myself ??? How can I really really break free I’m praying I’m begging I’m screaming I’m EVERYWHERE

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2016 at 4:53 pm Reply

      Hi Kellie,

      Okay, girl, you need to take a breath and take a good hard look at this. You have to know, by reading everything here and at other sites, that HE IS NEVER EVER GOING TO CHANGE. Any man who DELIBERATELY is not at the birth of his children needs a big huge boot to the curb. That is number one! Anything after that is just spoiled icing on the cake. A narcissist simply doesn’t care about anyone but himself. This is a fact. He sees everyone in his life – you and all the other mothers of his children – on the same emotional level. This means that he doesn’t “care” about you any more than he cares about them. He tells them all the same lies so that he can juggle his worlds and basically keep them from colliding. If they do collide, he just hides in the world that is giving him the least amount of conflict at the moment. This is what they do…it is what he will ALWAYS do. It simply must end for the sake of your life and for the children. I hope to God you are getting money from this loser – I hope he is not flitting through life making babies and having no financial responsibility.

      As for “loving” yourself, that will return in time but not until you kick him out once and for all. This isn’t the time to have a whole bunch of self blame. Strangely enough, it is often self blame that keeps us in the game when, in reality, it should do the exact opposite. You KNOW what he is so you have to be CONFIDENT in the truth that he know. He will NEVER admit to anything so YOU have to believe what you know to be true and act upon in, taking the appropriate measures. He doesn’t deserve to have all these families waiting around for him – it is ridiculously wrong on so many levels. You can participate in his game until the end of time because for him, it just never gets old. Please get out now while the children are still small. Do you have support…friends, family…who know what he is doing and BELIEVE your side of the story? Do you work and can you sustain yourself? Does HE work…can you take him to court for child support?

      Life is too short for this foolishness. Stop blaming yourself and take a stand! Narcissists are very good at what they do…this is why we fall for it over and over. But at some point, it all must stop. Please make a plan for the new year and begin to take steps to re-create the life that you and your children deserve…and he certainly needn’t be a part of it.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

  • Patty

    December 14, 2016 at 5:36 am Reply

    Hello out there….
    The anvil of the reality of my relationship has been in a comfortable free fall for the past 9 months. The gravitational pull of his a narcissism is just starting to take me down and obliterate me. I’m going to be very transparent with ya’ll because I have nothing to lose and I feel that is dangerous for me. So I met my Bubs over 12 years ago And became romantically involved with him because he threatened my livelihood if I did not. He has 2 children, that are 2 months apart. I found this out because I followed him home one day to see whee he lived and looky here, it was nowhere near where he told me originally and there was a girl with a baby living there too. I later found out that he there was yet another woman and child. He started out charming and presented himself as my ride-or-die. He was just a greedy little mexi-fil that couldn’t keep his pants zipped up. He used to mess with me by being severely late, phone games, rude names, lies, threats, violence and pushed my buttons like no other. On the flip side we had the most amazing chemistry he would say; the best sex he ever had was apparently with me. So as time went on and social media presented itself as the tool of the scumbag, I noticed strange things and then discoverd he was “pimping” girls on line. This was not an ingredient that I wished t have in my soup of life so I Told him to make a choice – the hoes or me. He chose the hoes. This was devestating because it appeared he was changing his act for the better, but it was not real. I had an unfortunate accident with some stuff, died, came back to life and ended up in the hospital. My mother ransacked my phone looking for clues of what I could have had an accident with and in her super sleuthing she discovered all his hate texts and vmails with threats and me saying I wish I would die to escape his abuse….this guy actually showed up to visit me and my father told him to leave and to never show his face again. I lived one mike from him for 5 years and saw him a few times. Then I moved to another home a Mike the other way and it coincidently was the flat upstairs from his sisters brother inlaw. He starting showing his face here and there, but he was not showing his face only his presence a whole lot more than I knew until neighbors, friends and house keepers talked about a car like his and how it seemed he was stalking me. I kept him arms distance away, didn’t give him the time of day for 2 years before I finally dropped my guard because he was there for me when no one else was while I was taking care of my dying father. He was my knight in shining armor and I fell for him again. He is a jealous, control freak, manipulator and is currently in the process of a role reversal scheme to make me look evil and he look like the victim. I call him Sensei napoleon – pretty self explanatory. He sends me up the wall sideways and it makes me want to knock him out, so I tried a couple time like when he said “fuck your dead dad” and the latest after a miscarriage -“that it was my fault because I didn’t listen to him when he told me what to do.” All he does is criticize, judge and orders me to change just about all I do, say and think. The method to my madness is a bit more creative than most, but I always get to the same solution just a different way. Meanwhile he can’t tell time on a watch… He is jealous of everyone and I’m not allowed to talk to any men, my family, any mental health pro and he has approved a handful of gfs of mine. I can’t dance, listen to techno or go out. I have to update him on all my movement throughout the day -including arrival, departure and details. I’ve had to change my number 4 times or suffer consequence of his threats or better yet – the silent treatment that I detest. 3 weeks before we were basking in the sunny idea that being a month late meant we were pregnant. Unfortunately not last night but the night before, I stated losing it. He told me that I’m pathetic, I’m not a woman and he’s tired of getting his hopes up to have a healthy baby with someone who battles substance abuse. That’s his go to when he need to reduce me to nothing – that I fell back on a very juvenile, but effective coping mechanism when I was caring for my dad. He really pissed me off with his fouls words and when I saw him, in front of his parents house I punched him in his face then tackled him to the ground. He’s much stronger and angrier than me so he shoved me down, I hit the back of my head so hard it bounced up and the front of my face hit his bumper. I shook it off and he ran to the gate after he threw my things and a bunch of money at me. I managed to prevent him from closing the gate and then he opened it up and threw me to ground again. His father came out and saw what happened. This is not the first time his father has seen him fuck me up. This all happened as I was cramping like no other, bleeding out and very sad. He starts shit every week, most of it fabricated fairy-tales and lies that I need to exert so much effort to disprove and bring us right back to what’s real and it’s nothing. My family despises him – there is no hope for him with them bad that’s my fault. Final story – I found this girl on line that he used to pimp that claims him as hers. Like every instagram post is her professing her love to him, for him, pictures she designs for him, of him, with him a year ago when we were together, when he went to the state where she lives, but claims he didn’t go for her, but that story changes a lot. I didn’t even put the pieces together that she was talking about him until after I like a couple of her posts, she then not knowing who i was became my friend for a day. Then somehow she found out who I was and blocked me…bubs said he did not contact her to make her do it, he says she’s a stalker and he can’t get her to stop calling him her B.E.L – those are his fucking initials you maroon – duh. When I asked about her, nothing was discussed And if I ever bring her up again I’ll get it. I could really give two shits about the poor girl, it’s just the gargantuan lies that trouble me. After this episode with the pregnancy, I believe there is enough evidence to prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is a narc and doesn’t care or love me – and I need to run while I can. Huh, I think He is trying to break into my apartment as I type this….what a maroon…looks like I have to stop now.
    Any insight, feedback, similar experience, truth that you see that I can’t, advice, etc is greatly appreciated. He’s got me tangled in his web and I need your help. Please.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2016 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Hi Patty,

      I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond! The first thing I did after reading your post was remove your last name from showing. This guy is nothing less than a PSYCHOPATH, girl, which is two giant steps up from an asshole and a hairs breath or two from a sociopath. He skipped right over “narcissist”. Narcissist’s are not motivated to be so blatant and the fact that you fear for your safety – and rightly so – shows me he is at the top of the “xxxpath” pile. As you know from reading here and I’m sure at other sites, this guy is never going to change. Moreover, he doesn’t want to…he likes himself just the way that he is. You have to know that any girl other than you who is entangled with him even now is more or less suffering the same fat. His life is all about what he can get away with, day to day. And he knows right from wrong, her just doesn’t give a shit.

      Having said all that, what can you do? Move away? Get a gun and learn how to use it? I say consider all and then some. How long can you allow this? Call the cops…get a retraining order…block him on all phones and social media. It has to start somewhere and a new year is as good a time as any to do it. You are only entangled in his web if you choose to be although I do feel that this guy is dangerous. The lies that “trouble” you are the least of your worries. There will always be lies and there always have been. And whether you care that they are there or not, there will always be other women. Because psychopaths (and narcs and sociopaths) do fall back on that which is familiar, you will always be the convenient punching bag. Please don’t allow it anymore. He has caused you enough pain and suffering.

      Send me an update to let me know how you are and I will look for it. Take the power back, sister! Enough is enough…time is slipping away and we can’t waste another fucking second on these douchebags.

      Zari xo

  • Jess

    December 5, 2016 at 8:15 am Reply

    Right now I am in a season of hoovering and cell phone tricks from my ex N. we dated for 2 years and he was the first guy I ever fell for….my life came crashing down when I found out he had another girlfriend our entire relationship and even let the two of us meet, thinking the other was just his best friend. He kept us separate just enough to keep his web of lies in tact. We broke up in february right before I found out the truth. She chose to stay with him even after talking to me and figuring out between us, all of the ways he lied.

    So now it’s been 10 months since breaking up. I’m trying to go no contact but it’s so hard… he has been blocking and unblocking me from whatsapp and I can’t help but continue checking. This periodic blocking/unblocking has been going on almost 4 months. I don’t always pay attention so it may be even more frequent or longer than I even realize.

    I would love some encouragement or thoughts on how to really do no contact successfully! Thank you.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 13, 2016 at 4:05 pm Reply

      Hi Jess,

      Look, it’s never easy to stay away from the chaos…we become addicted to the lifestyle, the suffering, and then we continue it even after its over by checking on what they’re up to. With only a little over two weeks left to this year, make a list of how you will proceed in 2017. Vow to stay away from social media. Block him in on social media and on any other avenues of communication. This is more for YOU than it is for him. YOU must make the mental separation. Read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will explain what has happened to you, why you feel like you do, and a whole new perspective to look at on recovery. It is my story and I guarantee that you will see yourself on every page. In these types of relationships, our lives are all but interchangeable.

      YOU CAN DO THIS! We are all here to support you! Please read through all the articles and the comments below each because you will see that you are never alone. Just two weeks left so make some goals and then stick to them. Recovery is coming, my sister, I guarantee it:)

      Zari xo

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