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Why a Narcissist Creates Chaos

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From Zari Ballard’s book, When Love Is a Lie:

Without chaos, the narcissist has nothing. The more chaos a narcissist creates and projects upon you, the more you suffer and the more in control he becomes. The more in control the N becomes, the more he’s able to manage down your expectations and get away with murder – right before your very eyes. By creating a non-stop cycle of narcissistic chaos, the N projects a crazy-making condition upon his victim that is intended to destroy her.

The victim’s reaction to this form of mental abuse – where confusion and chaos is seemingly at every turn –  can escalate from mere frustration to psychotic craziness in a very short period of time and this is what the N counts on. Once you, as his victim, have reached a breaking point, the N then finds a variety of ways to use your behavior (which is, of course, a reaction to his behavior) against you and for his own benefit. The very fact that you are acting “deranged” makes him feel vibrantly alive! For this very reason, a narcissist will always turn a good day into a bad day, keep you on the edge of your seat, and act erratic and unpredictable.

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He wants you in a heightened state of anxiety and uncertainty 24-hours a day. He’ll tell you one thing and do another. Normal everyday functions and responsibilities are intolerable to him. He’s reliable only when the outcome serves him in some way. When you really, really need him, he’ll be nowhere to be found. He’ll make plans for next week and then disappear the day before as if the plans were never made. To explain a disappearance or odd behavior or silent treatment, he’ll create an illogical story in incredible detail and then dare you to question it. Most of the time, you will be so bewildered at the depth of the lie, that you choose instead to “sort of” believe it. The alternative – to stand up for what you know is true and call him on The Lie – would, of course, guarantee his early departure and a feeling of doom and gloom that you’ll do anything to avoid.

Every so often (and usually when he was trying to lure me back), my ex-N would excitedly suggest we see an upcoming concert together. This, of course, would mean making plans, something I was completely hesitant to do since I had been let down countless times previously by promises he never kept. So, each time he suggested a date, I naturally seemed reluctant and I hated the fact that I couldn’t get excited about anything. When I explained my fears about him letting me down again, he always acted insulted (as if he would never do such a thing) and inevitably I’d give in and make the date.

Without fail, every single time, the night of the event or concert would come and go and he’d be nowhere to be found.  I’d be sick to my stomach – again – at the very fact that I let him lead me on to another disappointment. It was such a show of deliberate malice, deliberate neglect, that it hurts now to even think about it.

In normal relationships, the goal of one partner is typically to make the other partner feel good. With both working towards this same goal, relationships enjoy a period of peace and security where both partners seemingly blend seamlessly. This type of relationship is conducive to both partners always feeling that the other partner has “their back”. A narcissist never has your back.

The fact that I could never “count on” my N for anything ever was – and still is, in retrospect – the most hurtful part of the experience. During one three-year stint when my ex worked as a cab driver, I was probably the only person in town that he wouldn’t give a ride to. One scary night, after stalling on the highway and coasting my car down the nearest exit, I found myself smack dab in the worst possible part of town. Terrified, I called the N who I knew was working. He wouldn’t answer his cell. I called again and again. Nothing. Then, I called cab company dispatch and relayed a message to the N and my location. An hour passed. A group of troublemakers had spotted my car and promptly began to circle it (more chaos – what’s up with that?), taunting me. I watched in vain as two police vehicles cruised by but never stopped (like I said, this was a bad part of town). Another hour passed. I called the N’s phone (he ignored it) and dispatch several more times but couldn’t get through. Terrified, I finally dialed a girlfriend who promptly crawled out of bed and drove over 20 miles to rescue me in her pajamas. She would later tell me that the terror in my voice during that call haunted her for days after. As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply could have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.

From then on, in the rare cases that I needed similar assistance or any assistance, once in a while the N would come but it was never without fanfare. My friends, however, both male and female, always had my back. That’s what friends do. Lovers are supposed to be our friends. The N’s reaction to others helping me (if I even told him), would range from complete indifference (and probably relief that he hadn’t been called) to shock and disappointment that I would call anyone else besides him. Moreover, when I attempted to explain my reasoning for not calling him (complete with examples of his neglect), he pretended to not have the slightest idea what I was talking about and accused me of making him look bad.

Does (or did) the partner in your life have your back? Could (or can) you count on him no matter what – even if one of you is angry at the other? Are (or were) you a team? Think about it. Answering “no” to any of those questions….why is that even an option for any of us?

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35 Comments

  • Lena

    September 16, 2016 at 7:01 am Reply

    When I read this it just makes me open my eyes. N and I are on silent treatment again. I had several very bad situations. One in which I lost my house and would have been homeless. He wouldn’t let me stay over at his place. Luckily my friends took me in.
    Another one my dog died and I asked him if he could stay over because I was really heartbroken. He wouldn’t even answer my calls. And told me the next day that he loved that dog even more than I did and that I’m just trying to get his attention and he had to punish this behavior. That’s what he always says. He creates drama, gets my ex husband involved, my job and then tells me he punishes me because he rejects drama.
    We have been on/off since 8 months. The last time I saw him he told me he can’t be with me anymore, so I ended that date and went home. Last week he called me and tried to have me come over again. He won’t leave me alone.
    He’s in Germany (my native) right now and I know exactly once he comes back he is going to rub it in my face, so I blocked him everywhere. I hope I’ll stick to it this time, but I have been doing my research and I’m convinced he’s a N.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 4:57 pm Reply

      Hi Lena,

      Trust your intuition and always be confident in the truth that you know. You owe him no explanation for you going No Contact. get your head together and realize that this is your chance to fly. If you don’t do it before he returns, he will happily waste another eight months of your life and it will pass in the blink of an eye. There is no time to waste!

      Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. You deserve to be happy….

      Zari xo

    • Karen

      December 8, 2016 at 7:00 am Reply

      Whether he is or not is almost irrelevant. Please use this as an opportunity to free yourself emotionally and physically.

      You “know” he is going to be unkind, ungenerous, spiteful. You know this because he has done it repeatedly. Repeatedly.

      This is not love.

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

      Please don’t twist all of that to mean that you now need to show him how to love. Or give him opportunities to make it up to you.

      Get out and demonstrate that you understand what love is because you make the choice to live in loving relationships (where you are loved and are loving, in equal measure) as per the above definition of love.

      The past 8 months were melodrama – not passion, not love. You have a lifetime of love in front of you.

  • Lisa

    July 24, 2016 at 4:19 am Reply

    Zari – when I read this I got tears in my eyes, as I had an almost identical situation with my car breaking down and it was during one of the “silent treatment” times. I was calling and leaving messages as I was stuck near the Mall as my car was overheating and had had problems with it and needed coolant. My Narc would not pick up the phone and I was asking him just to go get some Coolant to help me so I could at least drive home or to the mechanics shop. He never responded. NEVER! I then waited for an hour until my car cooled down and was able to get to the next exit and then it happened again. He still would not answer his phone and even after leaving repeated messages that I needed help. Again, I waited on the side of the road for the car to cool down and called my sister who stayed on the phone with me until I was able to drive another mile to my father’s house. I then was able to call a good friend to come and help me. He too, when he was ready called me and never mentioned a word. I am in the 2 week period of a 6 year relationship and finally am enforcing the No Contact and determined to now discover me again and have a better life, a life that I deserve without misery, anxiety and craziness. Thank you for all your great articles as they are helping me so very much.
    “

    • Zari Ballard

      July 25, 2016 at 2:17 am Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      I’m so sorry you went through that…it hurts to the very core. I can’t count the times that my ex did that to me but this one time really did it. I felt in such danger and he could have cared less. This was when I realized that he did not and would never have my back no matter what. Even as a friend. It’s very hurtful and I’m sorry you had to feel that. These are the times in any relationship with a narc that you realize that you are truly on your own. Love isn’t supposed to be that way….it’s supposed to feel safe and, with these jerks, it truly doesn’t.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

      • Karen

        December 8, 2016 at 7:07 am Reply

        When I read of the repeated behaviours, it makes me wonder why repeatedly put up with them.

        I think you’re right about managing down expectations. I think it’s also about shock and not believing it’s really happening, and giving repeated opportunities for someone to redeem themselves. As if somehow this time it will all click into place and make sense. Meanwhile the N is working hard to make sure it never does make sense.

        • Zari Ballard

          December 13, 2016 at 3:20 pm Reply

          Hi Karen,

          Yup, you are right on every point. We can’t wrap our head around it so we keep hanging in there hoping it’s not what we think. And, yes, the narc just keeps us confused. Nothing he does is ever random – he does it ALL with intention. He KNOWS right from wrong…he just doesn’t give a shit!! haha! Basically, that’s all we need to know! Seems to easy in hindsight, doesn’t it? Thank God we have each other:)

          Stay strong!

          Zari xo

  • Cindy Ellen Glass

    June 10, 2016 at 2:53 am Reply

    My former N never made him self available unless it served his ego well and soothed his guilt and shame. After my cancer diagnosis he thought making amends by finishing what he had started in my home and then driving me to my new home in Florida would make me grateful forever.

    That was the end of November and we had kept contact since. My cancer has worsened and my hormonal system is a mess. Crying is an understatement, more like a tropical storm.

    I never understood his resistance and fighting everything and everyone until now.
    Monday night was the last contact and after I told him it was done for good I smiled but am still far from thoughts of him and wishful hopeful thinking. He was texting and calling me while out for the weekend with his new victim. I read “People of the Lie”, Scott Peck, back in the late ’80’s. He is one of those cruel people.
    I am in therapy and we are just tapping into the tip of the iceberg.
    I just wanted to belong and be loved. I hate him for what he has done to me. Trauma Bonding is like being chained to a dump truck wheel that keeps backing up over me.
    I want nothing more than relief from this pain and confusion and I want it yesterday.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 12, 2016 at 5:06 pm Reply

      Hi Cindy,

      Thank you for writing and I want nothing more than for you to feel relief from this pain and confusion too. And while we’re at it, let’s get past this cancer thing too. Once you survive that, the narcissist will look like the peon pebble on a beach that he is. I, too, read “People of the Lie” by Scott Peck many, many years ago and, in fact, recently found a copy at a used book store for 50 cents and bought it to read again. So funny that you should mention that. I read Peck’s book in the very beginning of my relationship, never thinking that my ex would ever be like that. How wrong I was.

      Look, I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a PDF copy of all three of my books. Please read them because I believe they will help you look at all this bullshit just a tad differently. None of this was you – it was ALL him and he can’t be allowed to do this to you any more. You have far more important things to deal with.

      Look for the books, sister. I just sent them from my yahoo email to the email that you used to login to write your post. If you don’t see it, check your SPAM folder. If that doesn’t work, write me again here and I will send from gmail. I wish you nothing but the best and never hesitate to write me. I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Lcherie

    February 14, 2016 at 9:04 am Reply

    My experience with my ex psychopathic narc for 12 years sounds exactly the same just different story sceneries.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 19, 2016 at 8:03 pm Reply

      Yup, it appears that all of our lives (and partners) – aside from the locale – are quite interchangeable!

      Zari xo

  • Holly

    February 11, 2016 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Author wrote: “As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply could have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.”

    Should be:”As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply COULD NOT have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.”

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2016 at 3:39 pm Reply

      Are you my editor? I’ll keep it as is because a narcissist can ALWAYS care less. It works either way.

      Zari

  • Jerome

    November 14, 2015 at 11:12 pm Reply

    Hi,
    I want apologize in advance for the bad grammar and punctuation in advance. I must say out of everything my Ex female narc did to me the future faking would have to be the worst. I was skeptical about how aggressive she was in pursuing me and locking me down into relationship after going on only 3 dates. It just seemed odd and I kept my poker face up. she would tell me stories of how men would instantly want to marry her after only dating for a short time which also made question just what was going on. And like all the other men I eventually fell for her. This woman was so charming and could light up an entire room but as the relationship progressed I started to feel like a accessory for her almost like a new hand bag she could show off. All I had to do was play this perfect boyfriend role and she was happy. It wasn’t until I stepped out of this role and put up a few boundaries that she started to get upset and lash out. I asked her grandfather a few questions about her and where all this anger towards men was coming from. It was just an eruption of hate from no where. when we were still dating and he basically told me the horrible and chaotic childhood she was trying so hard to keep from me. He mentioned her mother isolating her from everyone and growing up in a chaotic house hold. It wasn’t until the next day when I guess the grandfather told her what he told me that received the most evil and destructive gas lighting and silent treatment anyone could ever imagine. I felt like I was going insane that whole day being with her and her family. Its crazy because her tactics of abuse can be subtle that most people won’t pick up on it but the one being abused can feel the effects 100%. I’ll never forget the look on her face once she came back in the house from talking to her grandfather. it was like I was dead to her. she felt no emotion toward me but hate. I shrugged it off just thinking it was nothing but at the point I was dead to her. I understand the relationship was destined to fail but the person who said they wanted to have my child,buy a home with,plan a life together could turn on you so quick. The next day I was discarded while we were driving back home. Everything she claimed to had liked about was turned around and became the very reason it wasn’t going to work. I played a perfect boyfriend for her so she couldn’t find much but a few petty things. I’m not sure how anyone has felt during the initial discarding but the only thing I could feel was shock and betrayal. I never saw it coming. Every healthy thing like communticating and learning how to compromise were the very things she said she wanted no part of. In her mind it was basically her way or the highway. The sick part about was I could tell she was somewhat getting off on seeing me in pain during the discard. I Iooked in her eyes and saw no one there almost as if the mask had finally been pulled off. Her energy was negative, hateful and cold. her movements were almost robotic. Im an empath and a codependent so some of my behavior didn’t help my situation but the closer I tried to get the more she pushed me away.

  • Bekka

    June 20, 2015 at 6:07 am Reply

    He never had my back. It hurts to look back and think about. I had a similar situation where my car broke down in a horrible part of town during rush hour (a broken down shitbox that he purchased me for Christmas, by the way) and when I called him for help he picked up the phone, told me that “he wasn’t a fucking mechanic, so he doesn’t know what he wants me to do,” and angrily hung up the phone on me. He then wouldn’t answer my phone calls. When I finally got home after calling my father and having a kind stranger on the street help me out, he was SLEEPING. Something he would always do to ignore me. When I got upset at him at it, he lashed out at me, screaming at me that he was tired, and somehow made me feel bad about it. I am so glad I never have to deal with that again.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 3, 2015 at 9:49 pm Reply

      Hi Bekka,

      Wow…In another reply, I just suggested that you read my book When Love Is a Lie and, if you do, you will see a story EXACTLY like the one you tell (leaving me broken down in a horrible part of town; refusing to come)! Amazing….

      Zari xo

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