Understanding a Narcissist’s Control/Validate Tactic

By Zari Ballard

Today I realized that my ex, the Narcissist of my books, had given me the biggest clue into his twisted narcissistic mind when he described himself as a “simple man”. He would say this as a way of insisting that I was making too much of things…that he didn’t even think like I made it appear he was thinking. I, of course, believed this self-description to be absurdly untrue and even ridiculous but, now, while responding to a reader who felt baffled by her narcissistic partner’s behaviors, I think he may have actually been on to something.

The Narcissist Was Right – He IS a Simple Man!

To provide a quick background on the “I’m a Simple Man” story, here’s a paragraph from my book When Love Is a Lie:

“No matter from what angle you examine a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the view is complicated. Of course, he’ll swear up and down that “complicated” is far too exaggerated a description and the problem, of course, is you. Consequently, when a narcissist scolds us for making mountains out of molehills, it’s his attempt, as always, to make us doubt our intuition and the ideology serves him accordingly. During one altercation where I was laying out the facts, my N made the statement, “Really, you’re making me out to be complicated and the truth is I’m just a simple man.” Even though I laughed out loud, he found his self-description obviously very clever because, from then on, I’m just a simple man became his new catch phrase for every argument where he felt he had to defend himself.”

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Now, to be clear, by saying that the Narcissist may have told the truth, I’m not relieving him of his guilt in any way shape or form. What I am saying is that, by insisting “I’m really just a simple man”, he was – albeit inadvertently – providing me with the biggest clue ever into how these jerks really think. Because the behaviors of the narcissist are so mind-boggling and so out of the norm of how we might consider behaving toward someone we care about, we tend to trump them up, making the behaviors much more complicated than they really are, thus actually giving the narcissist too much credit in the long run! I now believe – as of today – that there are really only two reasons that a narcissist acts the way he does towards his partner and everyone around him and they both have to do with control. In fact, every thing that confuses us about why the N did what he did, why it still continues to hurt long after it’s over, and why it appears that he’s okay with someone else…all of the residual garbage he leaves us with can be broken down and attributed to this control factor.

The question asked of me by a reader today was this: Why is it that narcissists obviously want to be ‘loved’, adored & treated nicely yet they’ll use ‘love avoidance’ tactics to push us away or they’ll use manipulation to keep us just close enough or they’ll use all the above PLUS passive-aggression, contradiction, negativity (about the relationship, you, them & everyone else in general) to completely fuck our heads up??

And here was my answer – an answer, I believe, that neatly sums-up the entire complication dynamic of this type of relationship:

IT’S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Re-read your question and ask yourself, “What kind of person have I just described?” A CONTROL FREAK, of course! The wording of your question was actually perfect because every tactic used by a narcissist and/or borderline is mentioned in it. Everything – and I mean everything – a victim partner is subjected to during a relationship with a narcissist (N) happens for either/or of the following two reasons: 1) as a means of controlling that person, or 2) as a means for validating that control. That’s it! That’s all it is! You have to keep in mind that it’s the relationship that’s complicated – and only for the victim. The narcissist himself/herself, in reality, isn’t all that complicated.

Imposters of the Emotional Kind

A narcissist’s main concern in life is to control the people around him – namely, us – so that he gets what he wants, whatever that may be. In order to control, of course, he must manipulate and mirroring our good qualities back to us is an excellent way of hooking us into the Lie. Never forget that these people are imposters of the emotional kind and they’re very good at what they do. To get what they want (i.e. adoration, ego boost, sex, money, etc.), a narcissist will tell us exactly what they know we want/need to hear to make it happen. Even when he or she is being as sweet as pie (which is, of course, a façade), the narcissist is controlling us.

Then, once the narcissist gets what he wants, he starts a fight, creates narcissistic chaos, cuts us loose, disappears, subjects us to the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, erases us as if we never meant a thing, and generally makes us feel like shit – tactics that are fully intended to manage down our expectations of the relationship for future go-rounds. It is the victim partner’s reaction to this “managing down” process that ultimately validates, for the narcissist, that his control is still solid even when he doesn’t need that person. When he gets us worked up to the point that he can actually feel our desperation and codependency, then his control is validated and he can go about his business secure in the fact that we’ll be around when and if he does need us. And around and around it goes.

The entire control process can happen in an hour, several times a day, over two weeks, over many years…it’s a push/pull system that really means control/validate, control/validate, control/validate until we’re ready to lose our minds. For the narcissist, it’s a way to secure future narcissistic supply and that’s really all he cares about.

Now, after writing my response to this reader, I had an immediate relationship flashback of those instances where I’d be in tears, lamenting to the narcissist that I knew what he was up to…that I had figured out his MO and could predict his every move before he did it (which I could). And I remember him always giving me that look when this occurred…that stupid blank stare that only a narcissist confronted with his own lunacy can give…and he’d say, “You’re making it all so complicated and it’s not. I’m really just a simple man.” And hearing this, of course, would only catapult me further into the insanity. I felt it was just another fucking lie…a distraction reaction intended to add insult to injury. But today…..today I’m thinking maybe he was telling the truth! Maybe what appears to us to be well-thought out, calculated manipulations to wreck us really boils down to the narcissist either controlling us or validating that control – or, for that matter, controlling others (i.e. the other women) or validating that control. Maybe a narcissist really is just a dumbed-down sociopath (like sociopaths proclaim) and we’ve been giving him far too much credit in the intelligence department! I’m fairly convinced that this is the key to the narcissist’s psyche.

Mind you, my little discovery in no way pardons the narcissist for his despicable behaviors or for causing everyone – and even his own children – so much pain. He is absolutely guilty as charged. And if, in fact, I’m right and narcissists – like my ex – really do believe in the simplicity of their own evil, then that makes these losers even more un-fixable than ever before. And, believe it or not, the fact that a narcissist’s evil agenda is not nearly as complicated as we’ve perceived it to be is very good news. It would mean that we no longer have to think so hard about why he does what he does. It means we now have yet another way to use a narcissist’s ploy – in this case, the control/validate process – to our own advantage when dealing with the narcissist or even when we’re dealing with our memories of the narcissist. Using a control/validate process of our own, we now have another way to determine the narcissist’s motive – as simple as it may be – each and every time he opens his mouth….and I bet it will work. Let’s experiment.

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From now on, when engaging with the N (i.e. as a partner, co-parent, co-worker, or relative), no matter what he’s saying or doing or how hard he tries to push your buttons, silently ask yourself this: “Is he trying to control me or is he trying to validate the control?” Know the answer and you will respond accordingly. From now on, whenever you feel weakened/saddened/haunted by all those memories of the “good times”, review each event individually and ask yourself: “Was he trying to control me or was he trying to validate the control?” With the answer, the memory will weaken. Watch and see….control or validate…for the entire time that you are “together”, it was either one or the other and never anything else.

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59 Comments

Coming to Terms
June 19, 2015 at 11:34 am Reply

This was a great read. I just had my second “hovering” from him. It was worse than the first. Filled with I love yous, I know that I was an a-hole and I’m sorry, I’m ready now I want to do this. Blah Blah Blah. Though my guard was up after the 5 hour phone call, I am still disappointed that he went back to the disappearing act afterwards. It is sad that the person you thought you loved, really doesn’t exist. I guess that phone call was him checking to see if he still had the “control” over me, and to find out if I was still there for him. I’m trying not to be mad at myself, because I have stayed true to myself, and him. I just need to understand that he is not who I thought, and not healthy to keep in my life in any way.
- Coming to Terms
  June 19, 2015 at 11:39 am Reply
  
  Oh, and the “I am a simple man”….His absolute most favorite description of himself, along with “my intentions are always good”.
  - Zari Ballard
    June 19, 2015 at 4:32 pm Reply
    
    Hi Coming to Terms,
    
    So true! How amazing is it that they all say the same things?
    
    Zari xo
- Zari Ballard
  June 19, 2015 at 4:37 pm Reply
  
  Coming to Terms wrote...Though my guard was up after the 5 hour phone call, I am still disappointed that he went back to the disappearing act afterwards. It is sad that the person you thought you loved, really doesn’t exist. I guess that phone call was him checking to see if he still had the “control” over me, and to find out if I was still there for him. Yup, you’ve got it exactly.
  
  Control/validate – it’s always one or the other and never anything else. Once we narrow it down to those two things, it’s a lot easier to figure out what they’re up to. It’s unfortunate that he had to waste 5 hours of your time only to disappear once again but that is so, so typical. Hit and run over and over. Don’t feel angry about it at all. If anything, now you know now without a doubt what results from responding or participating to a hoover from this guy. Now, BLOCK HIM FROM BEING ABLE TO CONTACT YOU so that it doesn’t happen ever again.
  
  Stay strong!
  
  Zari xo
Ian Juhnke
June 15, 2015 at 12:15 pm Reply

Thank you for all you have written and the countless contributors to your website. I owe you a debt of gratitude for making sense of everything and pulling me out of the depths of despair.
For over 16 years I gave myself totally to be the most loving, trusting, empathetic, compassionate, nurturing and supportive friend, husband and father. It all came crashing down in Feb. 2014 when I found evidence of my ex’s secret relationship she had been having online with a rich and unsuspecting man. She had become a travel nurse and had me leave a job to move to Orlando so she could be with him.
When the mask finally came off and I finally saw her for the evil person she was, I hit rock bottom. Besides everything she has done, the most hurtful has been the systematic alienation of my girls from me. I have lost my dear three girls, the loves of my life, my soulmate, my career, future and life savings. I cannot begin to explain the heart and gut wrenching pain, sadness and torment I’ve been through this year. You have helped me realise I was married and betrayed by a cold hearted predator, pathological liar and cheater for over 16 years.
I believe the Lord directed me to you through my prayers for help during my cruel discarding stage and divorce at the hands of my truly evil narcissist ex, JB, and the constant spinning. When she resorted to threats to me and my family’s safety if I didn’t agree to hand over her complete custody and sign over parental rights to my girls, I realised she was a psychopath. I went completely no contract. I have complete faith the Lord will watch over my girls and grant them His grace.
The Lord, my family and you saved my life.
Thank you, and God Bless!
- Zari Ballard
  July 3, 2015 at 9:17 pm Reply
  
  Hi Ian,
  
  Thank you for writing and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond to you. I’m grateful that you found my website helpful as it certainly offers comfort when we are finally able to put a name on everything that’s been happening to us…all the weirdness. And wow – yes, the girls are SO much worse! To provide you additional help, I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a copy of my newest book, When Evil Is a Pretty Face, which is all about female narcissism. I’ll be sending it to the email address you used to post on this website and I’ll make a note in the Subject Line. Please look for it, read it when you can, and let me know your thoughts:)
  
  Stay strong & I’m here to support you!
  
  Zari xo
Kathy
May 16, 2015 at 4:48 pm Reply

My life with a N. This is the best read of the year and hits the nail on the head.
- Zari Ballard
  May 16, 2015 at 5:52 pm Reply
  
  Hi Kathy,
  
  Thank you for visiting my website and isn’t it amazing how we’ve all lived the same life? Stay strong!
  
  Zari xo
Graham Crandall
May 3, 2015 at 10:18 pm Reply

I’m amazed at the simplicity of this in itself. I found this out the hard way, when in the 19th year of a relationship (including 16+ years of marriage) in which I’d been spun like a top, searching for answers to all the crazy conundrums, she simply said, “Everything I’ve told you is a lie.” What a brilliant scheme! As I was continuously looking for answers to why she behaved the ways she did, from “childhood sexual abuse,” to “children of alcoholics,” to “divorced parents,” etcetera, ad nauseam, she must have been delighted in the simplicity. I, too, heard the phrase, “I’m really a simple person,” many times.

Now for my advice to your readers: don’t think that “convincing” the narcissist to see a therapist/psychologist will help. It will only give the narcissist more insight into how to manipulate. The grip will become tighter; the therapist will provide the narcissist with all the armor he or she needs. Trust me, that is the goal when a narcissist goes to therapy. Don’t be fooled that the person truly wants help or to change at all, and you know nothing about what’s being said behind that closed door, and trust me, it’s just more manipulation. Unless the therapist is brilliant and can induce transference, he or she will NEVER find anyone but the victim of the narcissist at fault.
- Zari Ballard
  May 4, 2015 at 11:59 am Reply
  
  Graham wrote…Now for my advice to your readers: don’t think that “convincing” the narcissist to see a therapist/psychologist will help. It will only give the narcissist more insight into how to manipulate. The grip will become tighter; the therapist will provide the narcissist with all the armor he or she needs. Exactly. It’s all becomes part of the agenda! Thank you for sharing….
Ashley Neems
February 24, 2015 at 6:06 am Reply

Hi! Great information on this site. I’m dealing with a friend of mine who I am absolutely convinced is a narcissist. He exhibits all the behaviours and I am doing the requisite amount of crying so it must be right. Worse is he is roping more and more people (my replacements) in with his charismatic spell. He has me in a devalue/discard phase at the moment. And he has definitely said things like “I’m very simple”, “I’m very straightforward” and, especially when I’m upset with him about something, “It’s really not that serious”. In fact as I examine more of his behaviours and things he’s said to me over the last year, he has almost been practically giving himself away.

Now one of his latest social media profile pics is the following poem. Tell me if this is not eerie as hell:

““Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.”
― Caitlyn Siehl, Literary Sexts: A Collection of Short & Sexy Love Poems

Keep writing and sharing everyone! This information is so crucial. Thanks 🙂
- Zari Ballard
  February 28, 2015 at 8:19 am Reply
  
  Hi Ashley,
  
  Holy Crap!! That is the creepiest little “poem” I ever read and it definitely reflects how the asshole narcissist thinks – without a doubt! Thanks for sharing!
  
  Zari xo
  - No Doormat
    October 13, 2015 at 12:44 pm Reply
    
    W.O.W. Wow. Wow. I have the *exact* poem posted as my profile picture too, and have since last year, when my husband dumped me after 24.5 years (21 years married), as a reminder to myself. I have also posted several times about self-centered people, and about having to love some people from afar. I always used to mean my dad, but now I have to admit my husband is included in that too. It’s so crazy-making, because all the projecting on me has me questioning whether I’m the one who’s a narcissist. There was a time in our marriage when I did wrong him and did act narcissistically, but then I sorted myself out and was a good loving supportive wife for ten years, until I took exception to him picking up a new bottle to uncork because my bottle was starting to run out of narcissistic supply. When really all I was doing was having the strength to enforce my boundaries. It’s also crazy-making because everybody thought he was so wonderful and giving, the knight in shining armor, but he had learned 15-20 years ago to stop the overt punishment (yelling, breaking things out of anger) and instead turn it into passive-aggressive holding me hostage on things that he would promise to do but never deliver on, and putting it back on me to say no to his constant requests for discretionary spending instead of being genuinely generous and not asking for a while so that I might relearn to want things and get things for myself.
    
    How could I have been so blind for so long?! I thought we made a genuinely good team, but I’m starting to think that I was good at pulling the wagon and he was the one who was good at riding it while (silently, subtly) getting others to give him the credit for his excellent driving ability!
    
    It’s been a year and a half, and I’m finally just beginning to buy the things that I like that I had trained myself out of wanting, because they were not his preference. What a sucker I’ve been.
    - Zari Ballard
      October 24, 2015 at 6:26 pm Reply
      
      Hi No Doormat,
      
      My ex, too, at an opportune point in the relationship, turned to passive-aggressive abuse tactics as a form of damage control towards his outward appearance. Without the over punishment, we basically have nothing on him that’s concrete and the narcissist knows this. It’s all part of the ludicrous game that becomes not only his whole life but ours as well.
      
      I do have to comment that it is obvious that YOU were never a narcissist or else you would have never been able to gather yourself together. Sure, we may all have “narcissistic” qualities but I believe it’s by an entirely different definition. The bottom line is that we know right from wrong and guilt keeps us from the dark side. A narcissist knows right from wrong too…but he just doesn’t care. Good for you to have escaped after such a very long time. I wish you nothing but the best, my friend!
      
      Stay strong and thank you for sharing!
      
      Zari xo
- Danielle
  June 17, 2015 at 2:45 pm Reply
  
  Dear Ashley,
  
  Thanks for your comment. I agree. This site has been an invaluable resource for me, as well. I am so grateful for the wisdom, strength and courage shared by all the survivors here. I, too, am dealing with the repercussions of a relationship with someone I have come to believe is (among many other things) a narcissist. I have know this person for four years and I lived with him for almost two years. The damage I have allowed this person to do to my self esteem, self worth and self confidence has been almost indescribable. But, I survived. And I am finally coming out of the fog (fear, obligation and guilt) to a place where I can believe in (at least the possibility of) living a life that is N free.
  
  Your N sounds exactly like mine. I mean exactly. My ex displayed all the characteristic behaviors of a N (although, of course, I did not recognize them at the time). I did the requisite crying (as you so perfectly put it). Although, knowing what I know now, I have to wonder: Is there ever enough crying for a N? Is there ever enough anything for a N? I don’t think so. My N was attractive, charming, charismatic. He was hyper sexual and used his sexuality to lure, seduce, ensnare, dominate and, ultimately, control his supply.
  
  Just like yours, my N was constantly on FB and Twitter for what he called “amusement and entertainment”. It was, in reality, his code for endless hours spent grooming additional/replacement supply. He was a chameleon with an almost supernatural ability to identify, pursue and mirror his target(s). He did so with a single minded intensity that (once upon a time) I mistook for passion and later recognized as simple relentlessness.
  
  He portrayed himself as a yogi, an enlightened one, a kind of new age guru. In fact, for about a year and a half, he changed his name on FB to a phrase from a seminal Buddhist prayer. Evidently, it didn’t accomplish the desired objective, because he later changed it back. But, what you see on social media bears absolutely no resemblance to real life.
  
  He lures supply with the use of an idealized false self that is positive, nurturing, loving, kind, generous and compassionate. But, in reality, he is the opposite – negative, exploitative, cruel, angry, selfish and arrogant. He will do whatever it takes to get what he wants when he wants it – lie, cheat, steal, threaten, manipulate, intimidate – and if you have a problem with it, well, it’s just that: Your problem. Not his. And, if you try to make it his problem (by, say, calling him out on any of his behaviors, no matter how calmly or rationally) he will make you pay. And you will be fucking sorry. Because he will say or do anything (the more hurtful the better) to get your ass right back in line where you belong.
  
  Because, you see, it is very important that, as the puppet master, he maintain absolute control over his puppets (i.e. supply) at all times. Therefore, nothing is ever his fault. Ever. I began to realize that this was one of the central themes of his life. My N was always responsible for good things that happened (because he is special and unique and smarter than everyone else). Just ask him. He was delighted to drone on and on about that shit for endless hours. Naturally, he was never responsible for bad things that happened – other people were (because they were worthless and incompetent and stupid). He was equally (if not more) delighted to drone on and on about that shit for even more endless hours.
  
  And all the shit my N said about how sick and twisted and codependent and fucked up his EW and ex GFs were? I really should have paid more attention. Because those are the exact same words he is now using to describe me after my fall from grace. Which was, of course, inevitable. It didn’t matter how sincere I was or how much I cared or how much I loved him or how hard I tried to work it out. Because he wasn’t interested in being sincere or caring or loving or trying to work it out. None of that mattered to him. All that mattered to him was to ensure that he maintained a sufficient supply that was available at all times.
  
  I have to admit that I got chills when I read your post. When I said your N sounded exactly like mine, I meant it – literally. You see, I recognized the poem in your post, because my N recently posted the exact same poem on his FB page. From my reading here (and elsewhere) I understand that all N’s tend to play by the Narcissism 101 playbook. So, it could be that this particular poem just happens to resonate with N’s. And, since (I think we can all agree) social media is the N’s new killing fields, it’s likely to make the rounds, Or, it could be that you and I are, in fact, talking about the same person – which would be a chilling coincidence, indeed (then again, maybe not so much of a coincidence after all).
  
  My N posted this to his FB page on 04/16/2015:
  
  “Some of the most selfish,
  self-centered, self-seeking,
  dishonest, jealous, envious and inconsiderate people I know
  are people that I love.
  
  I choose not to struggle
  in the futility of trying
  to change them.
  
  Just accepting them
  for who they are and
  where they are.
  
  Loving them.
  
  From afar.”
  
  Because, of course, nothing could possibly ever be his fault. But, that’s not even the interesting part. What do you think the response to this (ahem) “profound poem” by a 54 year old man would be on any other forum? Probably the sound of crickets chirping, right? Well, it received nearly eighty “likes” and numerous “shares” on FB. They loved that shit.
  
  This is typical of my N’s interactions with his thousands of friends and followers (i.e. his groupies or his harem). He cultivates a strange, fantastic, euphoric, almost hysterical kind of atmosphere – liking, sharing, posting, commenting, joking, teasing, flirting – and they respond with a kind of adulation, of hero worship It’s all one big on line love bomb.
  
  It breaks my heart to think about these women. They aren’t his friends. He doesn’t have friends. He has exes. He has exes he is “okay with” (i.e. those he can and/or believes he can still manipulate). And he has exes he is “not okay with” (i.e. those who dared to stand up for themselves and/or call him on his bullshit and/or went NC). Of the many exes that I know of, he claims to be “okay with” a total of three. I am officially in the “not okay with” category. In fact, I believe his “profound poem” was posted to get a response from me.
  
  However, I digress. I do feel for these women he is grooming. I have no doubt that the vast majority of them are good, caring, trustworthy and trusting people. And, therefore, they are vulnerable people. Just like I was. They have absolutely no fucking clue who (or what) he really is. They have no idea of the unstable, disordered, paranoid, aggressive, vindictive person that lurks beneath his charming facade. I hope they never find out.
  
  I hope they pay attention to the red flags and warning signs that I ignored. I hope they listen to their intuition and refuse to allow themselves to be deceived and manipulated. I hope they have strong physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries and refuse to allow them to be violated. I pray for these women’s safety. And, because I know how very convincing and compelling he can be, I pray for the recovery of those he does ensnare. Just as I pray for the recovery of all of my courageous brothers and sisters who have shared their stories and support here. Thank you for your wisdom and your strength.
  
  Blessings,
  
  Danielle
PastorDiablosEx
February 20, 2015 at 5:14 pm Reply

Dear Zari,

“What I am saying is that, by insisting ‘I’m really just a simple man’, he was – albeit inadvertently – providing me with the biggest clue ever into how these jerks really think. Because the behaviors of the narcissist are so mind-boggling and so out of the norm of how we might consider behaving toward someone we care about, we tend to trump them up, making the behaviors much more complicated than they really are, thus actually giving the narcissist too much credit in the long run!”

Yesterday was 5 weeks since I kicked my Narcissist Ex out. At the time, of course, I didn’t know he had a personality disorder. Since then, I’ve done a lot of reading and going back over the texts and emails during our 8 months together, learned how the red flags I spotted fit together. I discovered that the man I fell in love with was a covert, somatic, altruistic narcissist.

Some things, however, didn’t appear as “red flags” without understanding NPD and 2 of them came up in this blog post. One of them was that he used to say that I “give him too much credit”. The other was that during the love bombing, my ex used to send me links to romantic songs. One of those songs was “Simple Man” by Graham Nash. Reading the lyrics now gives me chills because, as Maya Angelou so famously said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time:”

I am a simple man
So I sing a simple song
Never been so much in love
And never hurt so bad
At the same time

I am a simple man
And I play a simple tune
I wish that I could see you
Once again across the room
Like the first time

I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hold you down
I hear what you’re saying
And you’re spinning my head around
And I can’t make it alone

The ending of the tale
Is the singing of the song
Make me proud to be your man
Only you can make me strong
Like the last time

I just want to hold you
I don’t want to hold you down
I hear what you’re saying
And you’re spinning my head around
And I can’t make it alone
http://www.metrolyrics.com/simple-man-lyrics-graham-nash.html
- Zari Ballard
  February 23, 2015 at 8:48 pm Reply
  
  PasterDiabloEx wrote...as Maya Angelou so famously said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time:”
  
  Hello PasterDiabloEx,
  
  Thank you for sharing:) It’s very true that we simply couldn’t have known having not ever experienced the weirdness of narcissism with anyone else. Moreover, as good humans, we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, whereby overlooking instances that really “aren’t such a big deal” (little did we know!). But now, of course, we do know and we will be watchful for the diablos in disguise. They are everywhere.
  
  Stay strong!
  
  Zari xo
JodiAnn
February 9, 2015 at 3:38 pm Reply

Zari,

I have read both of your books and I just began reading your most recent, “The Little Book of No Contact.” I totally agree with your control/validate observation. I just came to ACCEPT this bitter truth after the last hoover (that I allowed) four months ago. After 6 months of a “silent treatment” that I “caused” after telling him to go to hell and it was over (my failed attempt at NC), he resurfaced wanting to “talk”. Of course, there were no apologies on his part for any of the pain he had caused me over the 4-years I was in a relationship with HIM. No talk of the past. No. None of that. Typical N style, he acts as if we had never been apart–all jovial and smiles–like nothing ever happened. I’m nervous, but laughing inside watching his performance. Just watching. Listening. Waiting to see how he was going to spin it this time to get what he wanted–which was me in a hotel room.

He explains: “I’ve been working out of town for my brother. Making a lot of money (shows me his paycheck!). I’m only going to be home for a few weeks, then off to New Mexico to work for several months. I am working right here (we are at a park by the bay where we used to hang out) and I was thinking of you. I miss us.

TRANSLATION: I’m in town. I REMEMBERED you and the great sex you provided (which made me hard), and now I want to have sex with you again. I’m just “prettying-up” the words for you because I know after spending 4-years with me, your very wise to my bullshit. If I just tell you the straight-up truth, you won’t fuck me, and I just HAVE to have what I want when I want it! I need to be able to control you so that when I want to fuck YOU (as opposed to another/other supplier(s) I’m currently bored with)—I can. Right now, I’m giving my best peformance (and fuck you for making me!) telling you what you want to hear so that I can validate that I still have control over you AND so that I can fuck you now because I WANT TO. I also want an ego stroke because the person I’m giving the silent treatment to now was getting on my nerves! I’m tired of pretending to be the guy I pretend to be with her, I’M BORED. Right now I want to be the guy I pretend to be with you so I can get the kind of sex and attention YOU provide. Something different.

So, the reason the N keeps coming back is not necessarily for the purpose of hurting us. I honestly don’t think he fucking cares one way or the other how we feel, except as I mention in the next paragraph. He just wants something we have and would like to keep us on tap for when he needs a refill. Our positive reactions (e.g. letting him back in) AND our negative reaction to his inevitable chaos and depature, validates our feelings for him and therefore, his control over us.

It makes sense too because, if an N CANNOT feel anything like compassion and does not care about anyone but himself, he wouldn’t need to/care if he hurt us or not. The only time I think he cares at all how we feel is when we are with him. He wants us happy, carefree, and not thinking too much so he can have a good time!! Which also explains the N heading for the hills when something is going on in our lives that is not happy (i.e. an ill family member, a beloved pet passing, etc.).
- JodiAnn
  February 9, 2015 at 3:52 pm Reply
  
  I also think the N collects (uses) different people for different reasons and that the amount of “sacrifice” the N makes for one of his suppliers is in direct proportion to how much he needs that person in his life and/or how he perceives that person reflects on him (makes him look). My ex-N was excessively worried about how people perceived him. He was also obsessed with physical perfection/beauty and wealth. It is like he is searching for this perfect woman that cannot possibly exist, but even in his mid-fifties, still thinks does exist. So he keeps searching, and searching and searching. Meanwhile, he uses one person to fill this need (e.g. financial/public persona), and another (or others!) to fill that (sex, good time), until he finds this “perfect person” that any other mature person knows doesn’t exist. He is immature, as if his emotional maturity stopped developing at age 16.
  
  Apparently I was the supplier that would do things for him sexually that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do with his other suppliers. As he once confessed: “A man just doesn’t WANT (as in not appropriate) to do that to his wife [or the mother of his children, etc.].” Lucky me 🙂
  - Zari Ballard
    February 12, 2015 at 11:48 pm Reply
    
    JodiAnn wrote…Apparently I was the supplier that would do things for him sexually that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do with his other suppliers. As he once confessed: “A man just doesn’t WANT (as in not appropriate) to do that to his wife [or the mother of his children, etc.].” Lucky me
    
    Hi JodiAnn,
    
    So true, girl! Thanks for sharing!
    
    Zari xo
- Zari Ballard
  February 12, 2015 at 11:56 pm Reply
  
  Hi JodiAnn,
  
  YOU’RE POST HIT THE FUCKING NAIL ON THE HEAD, GIRL!!! I swear to God, it’s a page out of my life with the N. Wow…it describes perfectly the reappearance of an N after a long silence and the absurdity of his thinking (and also of our behavior when we accept the pathetic crumbs of his attention). Yes, you are right about all of it. As you know from the books, I’ve been there countless times and I’d be practically waiting – like a good soldier – for his return. Thank God life does go on after it’s over. Honestly, I read your post twice and I couldn’t have said it better.
  
  Thank you for reading my books and I hope you found them meaningful. Please do leave reviews at Amazon for each if you can…it would be most appreciated and it’s a great way to get the message out to others that support is available. You are going to do just fine, sister and thank you so much for sharing!
  
  Zari xo

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