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Understanding a Narcissist’s Control/Validate Tactic

narcissist-abuseToday I realized that my ex, the Narcissist of my books, had given me the biggest clue into his twisted narcissistic mind when he described himself as a “simple man”. He would say this as a way of insisting that I was making too much of things…that he didn’t even think like I made it appear he was thinking. I, of course, believed this self-description to be absurdly untrue and even ridiculous but, now, while responding to a reader who felt baffled by her narcissistic partner’s behaviors, I think he may have actually been on to something.

The Narcissist Was Right – He IS a Simple Man!

To provide a quick background on the “I’m a Simple Man” story, here’s a paragraph from my book When Love Is a Lie:

“No matter from what angle you examine a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the view is complicated. Of course, he’ll swear up and down that “complicated” is far too exaggerated a description and the problem, of course, is you. Consequently, when a narcissist scolds us for making mountains out of molehills, it’s his attempt, as always, to make us doubt our intuition and the ideology serves him accordingly. During one altercation where I was laying out the facts, my N made the statement, “Really, you’re making me out to be complicated and the truth is I’m just a simple man.” Even though I laughed out loud, he found his self-description obviously very clever because, from then on, I’m just a simple man became his new catch phrase for every argument where he felt he had to defend himself.”

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Now, to be clear, by saying that the Narcissist may have told the truth, I’m not relieving him of his guilt in any way shape or form.  What I am saying is that, by insisting “I’m really just a simple man”, he was – albeit inadvertently – providing me with the biggest clue ever into how these jerks really think. Because the behaviors of the narcissist are so mind-boggling and so out of the norm of how we might consider behaving toward someone we care about, we tend to trump them up, making the behaviors much more complicated than they really are, thus actually giving the narcissist too much credit in the long run! I now believe – as of today – that there are really only two reasons that a narcissist acts the way he does towards his partner and everyone around him and they both have to do with control. In fact, every thing that confuses us about why the N did what he did, why it still continues to hurt long after it’s over, and why it appears that he’s okay with someone else…all of the residual garbage he leaves us with can be broken down and attributed to this control factor.

The question asked of me by a reader today was this: Why is it that narcissists obviously want to be ‘loved’, adored & treated nicely yet they’ll use ‘love avoidance’ tactics to push us away or they’ll use manipulation to keep us just close enough or they’ll use all the above PLUS passive-aggression, contradiction, negativity (about the relationship, you, them & everyone else in general) to completely fuck our heads up??

And here was my answer – an answer, I believe, that neatly sums-up the entire complication dynamic of this type of relationship:

IT’S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Re-read your question and ask yourself, “What kind of person have I just described?” A CONTROL FREAK, of course! The wording of your question was actually perfect because every tactic used by a narcissist and/or borderline is mentioned in it. Everything – and I mean everything – a victim partner is subjected to during a relationship with a narcissist (N) happens for either/or of the following two reasons: 1) as a means of controlling that person, or 2) as a means for validating that control. That’s it! That’s all it is! You have to keep in mind that it’s the relationship that’s complicated – and only for the victim. The narcissist himself/herself, in reality, isn’t all that complicated.

Imposters of the Emotional Kind

A narcissist’s main concern in life is to control the people around him – namely, us – so that he gets what he wants, whatever that may be. In order to control, of course, he must manipulate and mirroring our good qualities back to us is an excellent way of hooking us into the Lie. Never forget that these people are imposters of the emotional kind and they’re very good at what they do. To get what they want (i.e. adoration, ego boost, sex, money, etc.), a narcissist will tell us exactly what they know we want/need to hear to make it happen. Even when he or she is being as sweet as pie (which is, of course, a façade), the narcissist is controlling us.

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Then, once the narcissist gets what he wants, he starts a fight, creates narcissistic chaos, cuts us loose, disappears, subjects us to the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, erases us as if we never meant a thing, and generally makes us feel like shit – tactics that are fully intended to manage down our expectations of the relationship for future go-rounds. It is the victim partner’s reaction to this “managing down” process that ultimately validates, for the narcissist, that his control is still solid even when he doesn’t need that person. When he gets us worked up to the point that he can actually feel our desperation and codependency, then his control is validated and he can go about his business secure in the fact that we’ll be around when and if he does need us. And around and around it goes.

The entire control process can happen in an hour, several times a day, over two weeks, over many years…it’s a push/pull system that really means control/validate, control/validate, control/validate until we’re ready to lose our minds. For the narcissist, it’s a way to secure future narcissistic supply and that’s really all he cares about.

Now, after writing my response to this reader, I had an immediate relationship flashback of those instances where I’d be in tears, lamenting to the narcissist that I knew what he was up to…that I had figured out his MO and could predict his every move before he did it (which I could). And I remember him always giving me that look when this occurred…that stupid blank stare that only a narcissist confronted with his own lunacy can give…and he’d say, “You’re making it all so complicated and it’s not. I’m really just a simple man.” And hearing this, of course, would only catapult me further into the insanity. I felt it was just another fucking lie…a distraction reaction intended to add insult to injury. But today…..today I’m thinking maybe he was telling the truth! Maybe what appears to us to be well-thought out, calculated manipulations to wreck us really boils down to the narcissist either controlling us or validating that control – or, for that matter, controlling others (i.e. the other women) or validating that control.  Maybe a narcissist really is just a dumbed-down sociopath (like sociopaths proclaim) and we’ve been giving him far too much credit in the intelligence department!  I’m fairly convinced that this is the key to the narcissist’s psyche.

Mind you, my little discovery in no way pardons the narcissist for his despicable behaviors or for causing everyone – and even his own children – so much pain. He is absolutely guilty as charged. And if, in fact, I’m right and narcissists – like my ex – really do believe in the simplicity of their own evil, then that makes these losers even more un-fixable than ever before. And, believe it or not, the fact that a narcissist’s evil agenda is not nearly as complicated as we’ve perceived it to be is very good news. It would mean that we no longer have to think so hard about why he does what he does. It means we now have yet another way to use a narcissist’s ploy – in this case, the control/validate process – to our own advantage when dealing with the narcissist or even when we’re dealing with our memories of the narcissist. Using a control/validate process of our own, we now have another way to determine the narcissist’s motive – as simple as it may be – each and every time he opens his mouth….and I bet it will work. Let’s experiment.

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From now on, when engaging with the N (i.e. as a partner, co-parent, co-worker, or relative), no matter what he’s saying or doing or how hard he tries to push your buttons, silently ask yourself this: “Is he trying to control me or is he trying to validate the control?” Know the answer and you will respond accordingly. From now on, whenever you feel weakened/saddened/haunted by all those memories of the “good times”, review each event individually and ask yourself:  “Was he trying to control me or was he trying to validate the control?” With the answer, the memory will weaken. Watch and see….control or validate…for the entire time that you are “together”, it was either one or the other and never anything else.

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59 Comments

  • Tina

    December 19, 2016 at 8:27 am Reply

    I just want to thank you Zari . I am still trying to emotionally wrap my head around 30 years of me tolerating a marriage that took a nose dive 7-10 years ago. I am ashamed and still baffeled at myself and him. I want to buy all your books. I pray now, that God’s grace mercy comfort and peace stay with me; I see He has stayed with you. God bless you forever. Thanks again.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 21, 2016 at 8:30 pm Reply

      Hi Tina,

      30 years is a horribly long time to suffer. I just sent you an email with a gift to the email address you used to submit your post. I sent it from my Yahoo email so if you don’t see it, check your SPAM folder. Gmail will do that to Yahoo emails sometimes. God Bless you too, my sister:)

      Zari xo

    • Tina Mackey

      January 20, 2017 at 3:30 am Reply

      Hi, I wanted to reply to and see if I could directly respond to Tina as we have some similarities. My name too, is Tina and have been married 30 yrs, 31 if you count last year Jan.2016, I filed for divorce. I only came to the realization in ’15 of his covert narcissism and have been trying to wrap my head around it all, as it involves money (his #1 love), hidden accts, infdelity, trust $$$$ that he never told me about (albeit separate property) no retirement/Ira, or me beneficiary of anything in any policies; Life, Ins. beneficiary of estate in case of death (and he had a HA in 2013) Tons more revelations of affairs and I had NO idea! I’m not a naiive person and am skeptical of most and although he had strange personality deficits for years , TRULY thought this person’s character trustworthy and honorable. After realizing all this in last 2 yrs, I was blind-sided and never would have bet in a million years he was capable of this deception and pathological lying. Over a yr later, and I’m still having much turmoil and pain over it. Since he’s fighting through courts to pay me enough Alimony, it’s been going on over a yr and getting SO exhausted mentally and physically, but mostly becoming monetarily now since Ive spent more than half of my inheritance, $15k and case is still in DISCOVERY phase since “ex” filed for a protective order, even though he never fulfilled his fiduciary duties for most of our married years. He has always been a self-employed contractor, so it’s almost impossible to prove other $$. Was hoping that I could comment directly to Tina in case she had some tips, suggestions based on her own experiences.

      Thanks, Tina

  • Sera

    October 16, 2016 at 2:04 am Reply

    Dear zari,

    Thank you for being there and highlighting the traits of narcissists.
    I had no idea why I would go back to my ex narcissist after he repeatedly cheated with his ex. He worked in patterns of no more than three months and went back and fourth hoovering us both for over two years.
    Each time he would contact me love bombing me with apologies and emotional pleas to forgive him.
    He actually used to attack himself and call himself every name under the sun. He would talk about how disappointed and disgusted he was with his ‘mistakes’.
    He always won me back and I’d be his top target for a while, but then he would always let me down and let me catch him out still in contact with his ex. Every time I left him, he’d be with her the same day… 7 times in two years I’ve done this. This time though he has been the nastiest ever.
    He now sends me friend requests in fb, showing off his photos with his ex. As if to say it could of been me, if I didn’t leave him!
    His ex also sent me a nasty email putting me down, calling me an ugly c.. and saying that they are both laughing at me if I thought I could compete with her as it’s her he really loves!
    I have pretended that I haven’t received this email, so she sent it again two days later!
    I suppose she wants a reaction from me. It I won’t do it.
    I also don’t want him feeling high.
    I’m a bit lost as to how to channel my anger that they are now both in on the abuse towards me.
    Can anyone offer any help if they have experienced ‘show casing’ of their “happy” relationship? I’m wondering if he is now being that perfect partner but then again that’s what he wants me to think isn’t it?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 23, 2016 at 10:34 pm Reply

      Hi Sera,

      Please read this article about whether the narc is truly happy now. It should answer your questions, my sister:)

      Zari xo

    • Ana Dawn

      December 9, 2016 at 10:27 am Reply

      They’re united in their attacks on you but give it time. They’ll turn on each other when you’re no longer their past time. It’s intense nature’s to be selfish and two selfish people are a disaster waiting to happen. The fact they’re both still after you shows they’re bothered by you and are trying to hurt you. I’d say block them both so they can’t find you on FB. That will dismiss and bug the hell out of them.

  • Anna Cox

    April 25, 2016 at 8:08 am Reply

    My god, now my life is beginning to make sense. My husband and I were married for 30 years. He was 22 years older than me. We worked together and as my marriage at the time was falling apart, boy did he hone in on my vulnerability. He professed that he loved, adored and absolutely cherished the ground I walked on . It was all I wanted to hear and soon we were having the most amazing sex and I was hooked. I left my then husband and moved to London to be with him and for a while I had all that I ever wanted, loved… I began to notice gradually that he would have moody silences and seemed to be obsessed with his daughter from his previous marriage, speaking every day to her, sometimes twice a day, always being his most charming and happy self, just for her and reverting back to his moody self as soon as he put the phone down. We went on to have two sons of our own. The most amazing boys, now men. He would constantly criticise them over everything but his daughter could do no wrong. He put me down if we went out, he would say “your not wearing that are you?” If I ever disagreed or had an opinion he would shout “don’t question me” or disdainfully shoot back “it’s simple, why don’t you understand?” He would twist things round constantly that “things were always my fault” … Always. Years back he was caught shop lifting … My fault because of me he was saddled with a mortgage at his age, because of me we moved to our house. ” because of me money was tight”. I stood by him. He was constantly groping me, expecting sex. No love, after a day of put downs, sulky silences. That soon stopped. A few years ago a returned home after a few days away and spread across the table were police and court papers. He had been caught kerb crawling and propositoned a police woman. That of course wasn’t his fault either even though his words were recorded in court. I stood by him… 10 years ago he announced that he had debts of £50,000 from numerous credit cards. My fault because”how else did I think he could afford for us to live?” The house was in our joint names and he swiftly put the debt on to the mortgage. There was no hope of making the repayments, so my and our sons were soon to be out on the street. He wanted a divorce, sell our home, take half and feed his chronic gambling, again “he didn’t have a problem, I was just imagining it”. I called his bluff, paid his debt off with money left to me by my late father, saw a solicitor and took his name off the mortgage. He also had an additional debt of about £20,000 which I found out about later and letters from bailiffs continued to come through the door. For those 10 years he constantly insisted that we should divorce. I said no because he knew he could fight me for money from the house. What I didn’t know was that he was constantly telling everyone, his daughter, her husband, the dog walking community, how awful I was treating him and what an awful life he had because of me. He died two years ago from cancer, at home cared for me as he wished. After his death I learned about the extent of his viciousness when people in the street, dog walkers ignored me. I soon learned that apparently I was a “money grabber” I “made him sleep in the box room”. That “he always had to do all the cooking”. That I “would get rid of our dog if he died, as I didn’t care about him”. In one of our arguments I made the mistake of saying that his relationship with his daughter “could almost be described as incestuous” because as I have said, his daughter was “perfect”. Perfect cook, fabulous house etc etc … that I had accused him of sleeping her resulting in threats and abuse from her and her husband. Coincidentally when our sons were growing up she and my husband had one argument – she accused her father of always talking about our sons, their achievements etc and neglecting her. After that he became obsessed with her.. I have cried so much in the years I have been with him. He would follow me around the house scoffing about my tears. I have my house now. My sons have their own lives and I realise how isolated I feel, no friends, just my darling little dog. I wonder had I known then about narcissism, would I have done thing differently – I will never know.

  • Jolene

    November 23, 2015 at 6:45 am Reply

    Hi Zari, I have been dating a divorced 36 yr old male for 2.5 yrs over a long distance relationship. I stumbled upon realising that he is a narcissist when I was doing research on why he was giving me the silent treatment. This occurred in June (for the very first time) and I felt horrible. He did reappear after 2 days of giving the silent treatment however it’s not been the same. He has been fighting for custody for his kids and keeps throwing that at me as a justification for not being around or calling or even being emotionally unavailable. He keeps talking bout the abuse he went through thanks to his wife. He has recently started telling me that he is emotionally dead and cold. However when I question y we r together his response is I am more than a friend and he respects me and cares for me a lot. But he cannot love the way one is supposed to. He was the most wonderful man for two entire yrs until this June. He still makes me meet his new and old friends and they keep telling him how lucky he is to have me. However we meet much less now. I also have other commitments based on which I can’t make much time but he hasn’t fought bout it. Is he cheating. What phase of the relationship am in in? I have been using this time to read up more on the disorder and I don’t really want to go down the ambush road. I’d rather shut up for now and exit when I can. Any advise?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2015 at 3:37 am Reply

      Hi Jolene,

      It has been a very long time since you have written. If you still need help, please re-post or send an update which will move you back to the top of the comment list. I hate to offer advice on a post that goes over two weeks back for the simple reason that so much can change in that time period (and especially in these types of relationships). I am so sorry for the delay. I do want to help and I will respond ASAP if you write again….

      Zari xo

  • janet blalock

    September 25, 2015 at 10:26 pm Reply

    Bottom……they are CRAZY. MY NARC TALKS TERRIBLY ABOUT ME …WANTS ME TO LEAVE SO HE TELLS OTHER WOMEN…YET I KNOW HE REALLY DOES NOT. I STAND UP FOR TRUTH. I DON’T CARE WHAT HE THINKS. I DO NOT LET HIM RUN OVER ME. I BUSTED THOSE EGG SHELLS LONG AGO. WHEN HE DISRESPECT ME….I use to be hurt…and angry. But now I tell him calmly it’s not gonna happen. That his behavior WILL NOT STAND AND BE TOLERATED AND IF HE WANTS MY LOVE AND ADORATION HE WILL APPRECIATE IT OR HE BETTER FAKE APPRECIATION or HE WILL GET THE SILENT TREATMENT!!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 26, 2015 at 8:17 pm Reply

      Hi Janet,

      Thanks for writing but I believe you may have things a little confused. Your narc, as crazy as he is, is the one in control. If he’s seeing other women and talking shit about you and you’re STILL with him, the truth is that you ARE tolerating his disrespectful behavior and he IS running all over you. There’s no way to spin that. You can demand appreciation all you want and he’s still going to treat you the same, girl. You can give him the silent treatment all you want and he’s just going to use it to spend more time with the other women until he gets bored or you give in. It makes no difference to him, believe me. I’m pretty sure that you know all this but my concern is that you appear to feel that somehow you’re on top of the situation. But you’re not – unless of course this is the type of relationship that you really want (a guy that cheats on you, goes back and forth, lies to you, lies ABOUT you, etc.). Is it? According to your post, the fact that you’re okay with FAKE appreciation is just a benefit to him because that’s all you’re going to get anyway or have ever gotten from him. To him, it’s a bonus because faking EVERYTHING is easy. If you really wanted to be in control, you’d leave. I’m not saying it’s easy at all because God knows we’ve all been there…but to feel that you’re somehow the one in control because you REFUSE to leave is backwards so please stop and give that some thought.

      I apologize if you weren’t asking for a response but I just couldn’t help it. Your mindset, because it is a FALSE feeling of control, is going to keep you prisoner forever. A narcissist doesn’t care about anyone and he doesn’t care to. At the moment that he’s telling another woman that he wants you to leave, he means it because he wants what he wants from her. How do you know that he doesn’t mean it? Because he always comes back or tries to get you to come back? They ALL do that! That’s what narcissists do!

      If you want to stand for truth, leave today. Tell him no more and mean it. He is never ever going to change. He doesn’t care about you any more than he cares about the bank teller or the supermarket checkout girl. The only difference between you and maybe some of the others is that you refuse to leave and that’s convenient for him even if it annoys him. And he also knows that he can lie to you and/or fake it – in other words, he can tell you what you need to hear to behave accordingly. Sometimes, when he WANTS a silent treatment from you so he can get some more free time, I bet that he doesn’t fake it on purpose! Are you really okay with giving your love and adoration to a guy even if you know he’s faking it? Narcissists NEVER deserve love and adoration, sister. Never.

      Look, we’ve all been where you’re at and it can be very confusing. I’m just asking that you look at what’s really happening here. Unless I’ve got this all wrong and you actually want this type of craziness and deceit and betrayal, the only way for you to take a stand is to leave. You deserve better than this asshole can ever give you!

      Zari xo

  • JMG

    September 9, 2015 at 2:42 pm Reply

    This is all too familiar. His mantra… I HATE DRAMA. His favorite song was “Simple Man” I find that REALLY hilarious and I am dying at this post!! Thank you!!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 12, 2015 at 8:23 am Reply

      Hi JMG,

      I know…mine would create this traumatic drama over NOTHING! After a great day, after great sex, this ridiculous fight would ensue and I’d be begging him to stop, to THINK about the day and how it didn’t have be this way, but he’d have none of it. Then, he stomp and yell and stomp some more and then yell at me on the way out, “You’re nothing but a Drama Queen. Look at yourself! I want to go back my normal life. I’m just a simple man!” Sure, Wayne. Yup, if you say so.

      Simple bastards is what they are. And they’re ALL the exact same. So weird!

      Zari xo

  • vinee

    July 20, 2015 at 8:19 am Reply

    My narcissitic ex pretended to have no money ..always broke. Whenever he got a chance he never missed to tell how broke he is..how his family destroyed him etc..for the sake of creating a fake emotion.
    Now after a while when i started finding his habits..behavior etc weird..I blantantly used to ask him “Are you having someone else beside me in your life?”. He said there is no time to go out ..how can he have someone.. after a while..another sentence was added.. “i dont have that much money to have so many girls. Do you think i am capable of doing it?” Wow now the ball is in my court is it?
    He pretended to be broke when he had to take me out to a nice place he promised to take me long ago saying that place is expensive. The same week..he mistakenly had his wallet left in my hand bag and BAM! Lots of notes and cards. I was like..”wow he certainly IS broke.”
    Now exactly one week after that his behavior changed after i gave his purse back. Because there are some govt proofs in the wallet that might have led to the truth.

    He was already married..had a girl child (he is sexually involved with her too.she is 17). His wife is totally blank about his affairs because he is using his daughter as shield. I cut off contact with him. The last i know he was shagging a 24 yr old who looks like a man (BUT she seems to me like she has money. The only thing he needs)..along with few others from office and ‘other’ places. Btw he is 42. Lied to me about age..background..education..has a high paying job but look how he convinced me he is broke. He has a wealth management account. Who has a wealth management account when he claims to have no money. Uff..

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