Loving the Narcissist is NOT Your Destiny

Please don’t use my real name I purchtased your book in May, and you were the one to shine headlights on my situation. Thank you !

When i first discovered what narcissist personality was, I fit my narc boyfriend to a tee. In fact reading about it I felt so close to him, I was actually turned on. Ignored the red flags, thinking this has to get better when he knows how he was loved. The hardest part was t. hat he didn’t choose me. He did mirror me in the first year. He studied me, he learned how to please me in bed. Hurt, that he duped me. Then knew Oh well, he duped bigger people. His leadership and projection was so intense, I was so turned on. Blown away with his intelligence. It has taken me a year to get over him. I didn’t want to let the memories of the awesome sex go. But my last stage was knowing he did a great performance, It was just that. I don’t know who he is, He rarely genuinely smiled, it was a smirk. He will be back. I was paranoid about that, because he came unannounced and I started feeling sexy again, and desired him so. Oxycodone is addictive,and I am an addict. nc for 4 months. Then the text. Not falling for it. It is a decision to let it go. I don’t worry about it happening again with anyone else, because the are rare. Education is Key. Im sorry for him that his spirit won’t go anywhere, just disintegrate. They are farce, and know nothing else. He was coddled and praised as a child,and a product of personality disorder,This helps for the forgiving part. But never ever trust,or think they will change. Now its time for me to feel happy again. Im sorry i fell for evil.

Hi Zari,

It’s been a few months since I’ve last submitted a post but I am back because I need some of your helpful advice. Currently, I am on month five of NC and for the past four months of NC, I haven’t snooped online to look for info about my ex — that is until this past Friday. I went online and checked two of his email accounts. After I snooped, I instantly felt horrible because I saw a picture of the OW that he discarded me for through triangulation.

Deep down inside I felt awful because I was hoping that they weren’t together. I know that I shouldn’t have peeked. Since Friday, I’ve been ruminating like crazy about my xN and I really feel terrible. Is it normal to regress when I’ve been doing so well by not peeking before? It was like that day I just kept thinking, “I wonder what he’s up to?”, and I looked.

I can’t even believe that AFTER 5 MONTHS he hasn’t changed his passwords. I on the other hand, changed my passwords and blocked him from my email, cell phone, and house phone.

Another thing Zari, I’ve been seeing his birthday (which is next Friday), pop up out of nowhere more than a little bit. Even one of my best friends was talking to me about a special event and when she said the date, I said, “OH NO!” because, it’s the same day as my xN’s birthday.

Is that a sign? What do you think? Now, I’ve been constantly thinking about his birthday coming up and I can’t help but to think about how he’ll be with the NS, laughing and having a great ole time. Meanwhile, I am here going bonkers and putting energy into him, and he’s living his “Happy Life”.

Do you have ANY suggestions or advice on how to handle when their birthdays come up? What should I do?

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling this way lately when I’ve been doing way better before.
Anyway, I thank you for taking the time out to read my message!

Best,
Starting_Anew …or trying!

I have, today, sadly reached the conclusion that I will never feel safe whilst my former husband is still alive. The persona which he portrays to the world is so charming and plausible, yet he lurks within my life, with menace, and only death will free me from his vice-like grip. I joke to people that the inscription which I will have upon my tombstone will read, ‘I have finally escaped from my former husband!’. Just for clarification, I am not suicidal!! Just tied by the English legal system to a monster.

After a 30-year marriage in which we once were recognized in the Detroit Free Press as one of the state’s “power couples” because of our respective high-profile careers, I discovered my Narcissistic husband had been having an affair for four years. To my knowledge, this was the only time he had cheated though there probably were other times I just didn’t know about. All my life, I knew there was something not right about him, he was incredibly self-absorbed and non-giving and could rage suddenly, but I never knew until last December there was an actual disorder for this. My ex-husband is textbook and he is malignant. I had to tread lightly during the divorce process, but vowed that his smear campaign upon me and the brainwashing of my adult daughter (his golden child among our three girls) against me would come back to haunt him once the divorce was final (6 weeks ago). We must have some contact at this time because we are selling the home we have lived in for 29 years so he comes over once a week or so and moves out some more of his stuff. But when we do speak, I have made it a point to be relentless about my knowledge that he is empty inside and will cheat the rest of his life, no matter who he is with, and will die in hell. I have always been a very kind, but assertive and self-confident person. Fortunately, I have three cell phone audio videos of his profound and profanity-laced rages during the past year, in which I was in the throes of a very cruel discard phase and didn’t know what was going on, since my ex constantly lied about his faithfulness and devotion to me to keep me in the queue of his love triangle so that he could continue to get his “high.” Once I found the fake phone in January, I was on the phone with an attorney to file for divorce within 10 minutes, and waited a couple days to confront him about discovering his affair to ensure our funds were frozen so he didn’t pull any shenanigans with our money. Having to pretend that all was OK for 36 hours was the most difficult acting job of my life, but it was successful. Now when I confront him in a very calm and measured voice about knowing he is an N and how he works and what he will do and that he is simply the devil in disguise, he generally starts to gasp a bit for breath, projects what I am saying about him onto me, and then leaves abruptly. I feel very empowered by doing this and in control of my life for the first time in a long time. Everyone says “no contact” at all. I tell him to stop the smear campaign against me and to quit brainwashing our daughter or I’ll put his rage tapes on YouTube. Why is me spreading the truth about this vermin wrong?

Hell no! They are not our destinies in the least! I believe they come into our life for a reason and once you heal and understand what happened, you are better for it. I’m definitely a better person for the experience with stronger boundaries and more knowledge about myself. Most of us who get into this situation are empaths, fixers and the type of person that always looks for the good in people. Narcs will exploit that for all it’s worth. I can’t tell you how many people in my personal life I have helped to get away from these toxic vampires so my experience was valuable in that aspect as well. Narcissists are way more numerous than statistics show. Thanks to people like Zari the word is spreading and more people are on to their sick games and the futility of hanging in there in hopes of fixing them. The road to happiness and peace is there for us all once we detach. Take that invitation and celebrate!

Was my ex narcissistic ok lets skip to the middle by this time I just had our daughter he was going out a lot so i figured if I let him have sex with . My friend’s not them alone a . Threesum ….so we would have them ass he would pay more attention to my friend’s then me clearly seeing that i was upset he would continue to have blsex with these so called friend’s sometimes i would fall asleep with them sexing next to me the next day he would he be all Over me an i would just write it off as him being bl really drunk so four months later I became pregnant with our son back to going out he would go out almost every other day he would go shopping every time an by this time we had argued so much about it an he would tell me have you every caught me cheating no you haven’t an I come back home too you every time yeah drunk cocaine out would wake me up out my sleep bring his friends home an woman at this time I was convinced that I was being a trusting an understanding girlfriend I didn’t blow him up our questioned him but if I was going out who are . You with where are you going when will you be back we argued so much about the going out even when I wasn’t pregnant he would tell me it’s just me an the boys witch was always him an the boys we would break up he would tell me he changed he did for a while then back to the same him he never woke up with the babies or changed a dipper an ibwould be sleep just falling asleep from cleaning or doing whatever it was he wanted then he would yell at me telling me I know you here the baby crying me not hearing the baby from being exhausted I cooked washed clothes an I was also initialed to satisfy him it wasn’t about me any more he didn’t even care i . Layed there like a dead animal he wouldb tell me all i did was complain became so dapreessed that bib drank from the time ib woke upb till ib went tob bed he would leave 11 a.m. to 11p.m i wasn lonely an b he seemed to be bothered i should be happy I lived in a 5 bed room house with a office family room an a spa tub fire place I Told him I never cared about material things b all I wanted was him after 5 years ib couldn’t b take it any more i moved o ut he started popping up at my place all hours of the night i barely b got him tob leave me alone b he came over threw a wrench through my n patio window then act like he didn’t know what bi was talking about ib Todd him I was in a happy relationship an he blocked b me like I’m the nut bag now he sweet too me I told him I’m having a baby he seems perfectly fine an it’s all skit being a great dad bull shit